I know that this book has been discussed in a few threads here on cc, but I wanted to get opinions on something that struck me in this book. They note many times in the book that the women who had the best outcomes were those who had parental help and support during college and beyond. In the book this support comes in many forms- money, connections, advice .(for example - a mother advising her daughter to stay out of her room when she needed to study to avoid her over-social roommate)
So, is parental help in college the best way to have your child get the most from their college experience and be successful. This board is full of posters saying your child is an adult back off, but is that the best approach?
Sometimes, parental advice, assistance, or a listening ear can be exactly what the student (or young adult past the college years) needs. Sometimes, it would be interference that would hamper the young person’s development of independence.
The trick is figuring out which – over and over and over. You won’t always get it right. But you need to keep trying, in situation after situation, to figure out what approach is best.
Sometimes, CC is a good reality check. I’ve brought up issues here where the overwhelming response was “Back off. This is something the young person needs to handle alone.” I’ve also brought up issues where I got the opposite response. There are a lot of very intelligent and thoughtful people here, and they can offer perspectives that you might not have thought of.
There is absolutely nothing wrong with parents giving advice and support to their children. - no matter what age they are. And yes, I do think young adults can benefit from this advice. I think the key is staying out of the specifics and just giving general advice in areas where you think they may need some help.
The best advice I gave my D was to stop telling her friends absolutely everything. Keep your romantic interests and relationships private. The drama in her life was reduced significantly when she realized that some things are better kept to yourself. Girls can be competitive with each other and some even thrive on conflict.
So if D has an interest in a specific boy or has a fight with a boyfriend, she now knows to keep it between her and the boy. No need for any other involvement. General things of this nature can help them going forward without getting involved in the nitty gritty of their life.
On the spectrum of doing absolutely everything for our infants to only giving advice when asked, college kids, in my opinion, are close to the “only giving advice when asked” end of the spectrum. But they are not there yet. So every so often, we give advice we weren’t asked for.
Different kids need different amounts of support from their parents. One of my kids is on the autism spectrum (high end) and has a learning disability. She had needed more support than the other one. So there is not a one size fits all answer.
A lot of the parental support the successful students got wasn’t what we’d normally call “helicoptering,” but more wealth and influence.The book makes much of the fact that the soft majors that the sorority women chose only worked for the women from affluent, well-connected families: a woman with a fashion design degree can get a job if her rich family can set her up in a Manhattan apartment and find her a job with one of her dad’s business cronies, but she can’t get a job if her father’s a farmer in small-town Indiana without those connections.
PS: If your child has a disability, don’t even read the threads that advise a hands-off attitude. Just don’t read them. They don’t apply to your case. You need to rev up that helicopter.
^Yup. But I am also always watching for opportunities to let her “fly solo” as much as possible. She is doing pretty well at it now as a college junior.
I think I “help and support” both of my kids. I pay for most of their college-related expenses and I am interested in hearing about what is going on in their lives. If they ask for help/advice, I give it. But I am not involved in their lives on a day-to-day basis. I let them handle their lives/education/jobs/lovelife without interference from me. I wouldn’t consider myself a “helicopter” parent.
What if they ask for $$$ for covering their wedding cost? Do you give it?
Nowadays, it often takes much longer for the offsprings to establish their careers. Unless their careers require a BA/BS degree only or they postpone their marriage to a much older age, they may not be able to finance their wedding in a significant way. I heard of many of such cases from my colleagues in recent years: The parents end up shouldering much of the cost.
If my kids want to get married just after college, the answer would be that there is no money for a wedding. If they want a big wedding with my help, they can wait. If they want a small wedding, I’ll be happy to help create that (in many ways that don’t cost money).
