Romani, You have already been happily married. No more funding is needed. LOL.
Let me count how many young guy/gal at my workplace will have some challenge to finance their wedding likely in the next year or so: there are 5 of them who may be married within the next 1-1.5 years (2 of them within half a year for sure.) The majority of them have not been working for very long.
I think at least for two of them, their weddings will likely mostly be financed by their parents (and all of their COA for the undergraduate college and grad school as well.) They call their parents every single day though, 14 times more frequently than our son might call us. (No complaint here. I am fully aware that many times when he calls us mostly just to let us know he is fine, he is very exhausted already.)
@mcat2 Do you think your son will be getting married soon? I know that you worry a lot about his future wedding and its cost. I think some of this is because you’re “financially exhausted” from the costs of his undergrad and med school, so you’re maybe losing sleep worrying about a costly wedding in the future.
I’m sure your son knows how much his parents have sacrificed for him so far. He probably doesn’t have unreasonable expectations.
Do you have an amount in mind that you can/will contribute towards his (someday) wedding?
Seems like wedding funding is more like paying for college than related to helicopter parenting. (Not every family can or will pay for a pricey college, and not every family can or will pay for a pricey wedding. Do what you can afford. Don’t go into debt for it. There are thousands of options for how to do it.)
Maybe a separate thread on wedding funding is appropriate?
You seem to worry a lot about wedding costs and other people’s expectations, mcat. You can’t spend what you don’t have. If the bride’s family doesn’t like that, well too damn bad for them unless they want to support you in your old age. Really, people will LIVE if they don’t have big fancy expensive weddings - even if it’s common in their culture to do so, they will get over it. You have the power - you get to look at your own finances and figure out what you can spend or not. This isn’t a college presenting you with a bill and saying “if you can’t afford us, then don’t show up.”
You can get married at your local courthouse (or whatever facility performs this function in your state) for less than $200 (license plus ceremony), and marriages made in this way are just as good as any other.
You cannot skip college, settle for an associate’s degree, go to an inferior college, or bury yourself in student debt and expect that your career and adult life will be as smooth and successful as those of people who had better educational opportunities and less debt.
So for me there’s no question about where the money should go. And my (safely graduated but as yet unmarried) kids would agree.
“Let me count how many young guy/gal at my workplace will have some challenge to finance their wedding likely in the next year or so: there are 5 of them who may be married within the next 1-1.5 years (2 of them within half a year for sure.) The majority of them have not been working for very long.”
So then they don’t finance their weddings. So they go to a justice of the peace and invite their 10 closest friends to a nice luncheon (luncheon because it’s cheaper than dinner). So what? They’re just as married as the people who invited 500 guests to the Ritz-Carlton. This is all purely discretionary, so it’s about as not-worthy-of-worrying-about as saying “let me count how many young guys/gals at my workplace won’t be able to afford a Mercedes.”
BTW - it’s pretty clear that you are a hard worker and you live modestly and your big expense has been your son’s education (good for you!!). If some other family can’t appreciate that, and thinks that you need to spend money that you don’t have, they are the ones with the problem. NOT YOU. You keep thinking it’s your problem if the future in-laws aren’t “impressed” by you, but it’s not your problem, at all.
Seriously, I think that except for the most affluent amongst us, there’s going to be a burst with all of these ridiculously expensive weddings.
My niece married just over 5 years ago. Both the bride and groom are amazing. The H flies fighter jets and lands on those Naval carriers. She got her masters in Math by age 21 and has a fab job. Lavish all-weekend wedding…truly amazing. God only knows how much it all cost. She filed for divorce 2 weeks ago. We don’t know the details, her parents are shocked and confused. All she is saying is that she’s “lost all respect for him.” Maybe his name showed up on Ashley Madison? We don’t know. But, situations like this are going to leave many parents hesitant to “break the bank” for something that may end up being a short sad chapter in their child’s long life. This family has 2 other unmarried daughters…
Back in the day … lower middle-class first generation college students at state flagships sort of had a different deal. They often actually paid for their education, and they often actually understood that it was their responsibility to actually succeed in school and get the most out of their one opportunity to do better than their parents. Some folks got kicked out and would end up working and going to a local college.
If you don’t leave the party, or don’t leave to go to the library to study, or let your lives be ruled by a bunch of rich girls in your dorm that don’t talk to you, you are really immature and really clueless. Don’t you want to succeed?
I don’t personally think going to a second or lower tier university is going to change people’s priorities and personal choices. So if their local friends are going to a bar, they aren’t going to go? Brother’s drumset isn’t annoying?
And, you can’t make it out of freshman year and then request a quieter dorm? How about a housing transfer? How about earplugs?
Why did this book only talk about girls on campus?
To succeed in life, you do have to take some personal initiative unless you truly are a trust fund child. For all the folks that daddy found work for, I am sure there are plenty of others who are living in tiny apartments.
Weddings are a business, just like selling high-end cars. If you must have a Mercedes, you will have a high car note. If you get a used Corolla, you will pay 1/5 as much. If you use the bus (justice of the peace), you will be paying even less. And it’s one day, so truly crazy to spend too much, unless you are really rich.
Whoever pays picks out the car and maybe even the color.
Another interesting tactic is to offer your kids money to go do a small destination wedding or something in your yard with buckets of fried chicken.
A wedding like any other party is basically a gathering of people. The venue is really inconsequential. Most people agree that they have as much fun at a BBQ or beach wedding as they have at a black tie wedding in a 5 star hotel.
To return to the topic, the book is about an academic research project where the author and her research team set up shop on a floor in a freshman women’s dorm at Indiana. They observed the women every day for a year, then followed their academic careers for four more years, even interviewing the women’s parents. The book talks about women rather than men because they were studying women, not men.
"So, is parental help in college the best way to have your child get the most from their college experience and be successful. "
Define help. Is that … paying tuition, room / board? Giving an allowance? Hiring tutors? Paying for books? Being a supportive ear? Giving advice? Withholding advice? Arranging for “things” (such as internships or jobs)? Calling the professor? Calling the roommate’s parents?
I agree that “help” is a broad category. My interpretation of “help” will likely be different from yours. Horses for courses.
And “success” is also a broad category. Financially self-sufficient? Lucrative career? Helping make the world a better place? Creatively satisfied? Happy and healthy?
My daughter just moved into her own first post-college apartment over Labor Day. A relative gave her a twin bed / mattress. We gave her sofas from our basement (that we’d been saving for kid apartments) and basically allowed her to clear out anything she wanted from our kitchen and bathrooms - towels, placemats, dishes, cleaning supplies, etc. We also took her to Sam’s and did a “big shop” for her. She could have paid big bucks for movers, but H, S, and I borrowed a truck and made trips back and forth and moved her all in and helped unpack the bulk of it. Is that “too much help”?
On the other hand, she got the apartment by herself; she bought a kitchen table and the rest of her bedroom furniture, and she’s on her own now, financially independent and with a good job. Wasn’t that the goal?
When my daughter graduated from college and took a job in a city an hour away from us, I helped her set up her new apartment – not financially, but by going shopping with her. I thought this made sense because I had a car and she didn’t.
My husband thinks I caused irreparable harm – that I should have behaved exactly as I would have if she had moved to the other side of the country.
You are right. If she wanted you to come along to provide your experience, nothing wrong with that as long as you were invited. Why would my kid benefit from spending money on a toaster that is not “high speed” when I could have told her that it is a long wait for a toaster that is not? (Something I learned from my older brother, in fact)
(Something I learned from my older brother, in fact)