Help a frazzled parent

Parent Cafe
1

<p>Ds2 is what you might call an absent-minded professor. He has lost more stuff over the years. Final straw was today, when he finally admitted that his phone and house key had been lost/stolen last Thursday. Dh is off to Home Depot right now to buy new locks for the doors, and we’ve cancelled the phone line. No calls had been made on it, thankfully.</p>

<p>Yesterday, his first day back to school, he lost his new beanie. I figured it was stolen, but, no, he found it today when he went back. He lost his lunch box the first day of school. Never saw that again.</p>

<p>This is not an 8yo. He will be 15 in a couple of months. My older sister used to say I had all book sense and no common sense. Ds2 is me in spades.</p>

<p>Can anyone give me hope that this will turn around some day? Dh is most upset because he feels like ds not telling us illustrates a lack of trust. I think he was just a scared kid who was hoping it would work out and not get caught.</p>

<p>Oh, did I mention this was a new phone he’d gotten for Christmas? Grrrrrr.</p>

2

<p>Last night we turned the house upside down looking for a gift card that Son received for Christmas…it was for the restaurant to which he was taking his GF who was on the way over. Never did find it. I guess I paid for dinner.</p>

<p>Son can’t find things that are lost. His GF leaves her purse behind everywhere. I always say that if those two marry, they’ll have to buy cell phones and house keys in bulk.</p>

<p>But I seriously feel sorry for Son…it would be difficult to live with such a disorganized mind.</p>

3

<p>But, different kid. Freshman year, D claimed that her wallet full of cash and gift cards had been stolen from her drill team locker. Yeah, right. A few months later the local news ran a story about two girls arrested for stealing from the cheer and drill team locker rooms at our HS. Never found D’s wallet, but it did vindicate her.</p>

4

<p>OK, not giving me much hope, missypie!! :)</p>

<p>Are there some kind of learning disabilities that prevent him from being able to attend to mundane tasks, like keeping track of his hat? I shudder to think I was considering driver’s ed this summer. I am sooo putting that off.</p>

5

<p>I’m right there with you with my DS2. We just changed cell phone providers. I made both boys pay the initial cost of their phones (discounted with the 2yr contract) AND I made them pay the cost of the insurance for 2 years ($8/mo). I’m sick of scouring craigslist for replacement phones!</p>

<p>At least this way they can replace their phones TWICE for the cost of the deductible.</p>

<p>Maybe we coddled them too much because they were always the “little brother”? My son will be 15 in June. I keep hoping he’ll grow out of it, but I doubt it. He’ll be calling me from college asking me if I know where he put his stuff :-).</p>

6

<p>Some people are not good with tracking their belongings. My sister’s H is a very responsible and successful professional with multiple graduate degrees. He has lost wallets, credit cards, checkbooks, keys, phones, hats, and jackets throughout their marriage. She always solves the issues for him when he loses something. She actually has nametags in his hats and jackets with their office phone number so they can be returned. Her H has actually come home from their athletic club in his workout clothes, leaving his street clothes (inadvertantly) back in his locker. And yes, he does have a learning disability (with reading). Suggest your S marry someone who is organized?</p>

7

<p>My D used to loose or break phones like they were toys. I would buy a cheap compatible phone on ebay or scrounge around for a used compatible phone from family as we were not yet up to the time we could get a phone on the 2 year contract. I finally said no more new phones, and made her buy a new phone with her allowance or work money. Once it was her dime, that phone is now going on 2 years. Once she got a part-time job (first babysitting, then scooping ice cream) it was AMAZING the improvement in being responsible. She no longer forgot her wallet, lost her purse, etc. With her dime, things became far more valuable.</p>

8

<p>Make sure that he majors in electrical engineering and works on RFID chips.</p>

9

<p>DS2 actually has been working for two years and is incredibly responsible in that regard. That’s what gets me – he’s uber-capable in some areas of his life and just clueless in other areas.</p>

<p>Oh, and he’ll be paying for the new door locks and multiple replacement keys out of the money earned at the part-tiime job.</p>

<p>I “lose” keys and stuff all the time – but I know they’re gone and just have to hunt a little for them. I don’t forget that I don’t have my keys for days and then not tell anyone once I do remember.</p>

10

<p>My D has a friend who is also 15. The lost keys pushed his Mom over the edge. He no longer has one. If his Mom or Dad are not home he has to sit on the porch and wait for one of them to get home. Luckily we live in Ca.</p>

11

<p>I think there are (at least) two kinds of kids who lose things. My D thinks we’re made of money (or she just has too many possessions) so if something is left behind, she won’t go search for it. She now has one of a pair of fairly expensive earrings. She probably knew where she lost it, but couldn’t bear the indignity of scrounging around on the ground for it.</p>

<p>Son, on the other hand, has a neurological issue. He truly can’t find things. His homework can be alone on the center of the desk, and once he “loses” it, he can’t find it. He can go in the room, see the desk and not find the homework. </p>

<p>I pity Son and get angry at D.</p>

<p>I went through a stage in HS where I lost coats. My parents didn’t yell. They just didn’t replace the coats. After a few months I was left facing an Illinois winter in a windbreaker from Goodwill.</p>

12

<p>missypie, that sounds just like my ds! There will be a huge paper bag on the table in the kitchen and I’ll say “Hand me that bag, please” And he’ll turn his head left to right and say, “What bag?” Uh, the huge one RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOUR FACE. I used to think he was yanking my chain, but I know he really doesn’t “see” it. My dh is the same way at times. Part of me wants to feel sorry for him because at times it seems like he can’t help it, but other times he (ds, not dh) I see him trying to get away with things and I kinow he’s lying.</p>

<p>He wants to go into politics, and he has just the personality for it. He’ll be caught in a scandal and really will think he didn’t do it.</p>

13

<p>I have a kid like this too. I have to say, I don’t know that they ever grow out of it but perhaps improve a bit once they are on their own and have to be responsible for paying for lost items and such. But not much. </p>

<p>My youngest is now 21 and out of college. She is highly intelligent and an over achiever. She has been extremely responsible for so many high level things…not just academic but she has been a leader with many responsibilities and for some pretty complex things she manages and organizes, as well as having held professional jobs for a very good rate of pay. She is very organized in ALL of these matters…much older than her years, in fact. </p>

<p>But when it comes to personal belongings, she is disorganized and loses things and it is all quite a mess. I think she is a LITTLE better in the years she has been out of the home (started college at 16) but then again, I likely don’t know of each thing she may lose. Her personal effects are very sloppy but when it comes to very important things and professional things, she is very on top of it. I think she is on this high level in her mind and can’t be bothered with the small stuff? She has always been this way. </p>

<p>I must admit that she has not lost her cell phone yet but it has broken many times and has had to be replaced. But hey, she left her laptop in the airport security conveyor belt once (amazing that it was returned) and if that were not enough, within a year, she left her laptop on the plane and tracking that down several months ago was horrendous but it did turn up in another state. I could give you sooooooo many examples, LOL. I did hear that my niece, same age, but still in college, just lost her cell phone (she is similar to my D in this way). </p>

<p>I can’t say there is hope really. It think this is a personality thing? Thankfully, when it comes to very important matters, this kid (and sounds like your kid) is very on top of things. But with everyday stuff, she seems scattered. She is responsible for high level functioning stuff but can’t seem to get it together with belongings. But she now supports herself and I ain’t paying replacement costs! It helps…a little.</p>

<p>PS…I can’t help but add this anecdote…the past two months, my D, who lives in NYC, was on a national tour (she is an actor). She told me that while she was away, her boyfriend (pretty new boyfriend in fact, but does not live with her), as a surprise, obtained the keys to her apartment from D’s apartment mate the day before my D returned from her tour, and spent a day cleaning and organizing her bedroom for her, as well as laid a rug that we had given her, which entailed moving all the furniture to do it. Now, if you had ever seen her bedroom, you would understand the undertaking involved in her mess! I can hardly believe a guy would do this and it was so thoughtful. She told me about it. An excerpt of her email to me reads: “You would never believe how my room looks right now. I’m kind of convinced you put him up to it actually, haha… Pretty impressive, nonetheless. I think I beat the system by finding a guy that cleans for me, haha.”</p>

<p>So, well, there’s hope. If your kid is very messy and disorganized, they can find a mate to organize their stuff, ha ha.</p>

14

<p>Youdon’t say - I am a school psychologist who evaluated kids for over twenty-five years. I don’t think kids like this grow out of it, but I think they can learn to compensate. The funny thing is, I remember early in my career going over a checklist with a parent to determine whether her child might have an attention deficit. As we talked I realized that her child might have a mild deficit, but if MY mom had responded to the survey, I would have been off the chart. I spent many, many years anxious all the time because I was always forgetting things that were right in front of me. </p>

<p>So, I became very, very good at working with families with kids like your son. I still occasionally work with bright young adults who have such difficulties. I think the most important thing is to acknowledge it is tough for them, but guide them to coping strategies. Getting angry doesn’t help, nor does excusing. </p>

<p>Actually, what is funny right now is that as my parents age they have become extremely forgetful. They lose something about once a week. I finally told my dad that he is lucky I am more patient with him than he was with me when I was a kid. </p>

<p>So - tell your son, remember to treat you with patience in your old age when you can’t find your wallet, checkbook, or remember that a doctor changed your appointment.</p>

15

<p>I don’t think it is always attention deficit though. I highly doubt that is the case for my kid. It is very selective. She doesn’t forget or lose very important things and is highly organized and responsible for directing others and for professional work and for academics. In my kid’s case, the disorganized mess and the losing things are with personal belongings almost exclusively.</p>

16

<p>S1 has gotten much better about these things with time. He only left one book home this time, and it’s one he checked out for his brother for a research project, so it’s not like he even needed it. At Thanksgiving, he left his <em>laptop</em> home with all of his assignments for the end of the quarter on it, due the day after his return.</p>

<p>At this stage, we have reached two steps forward, half a step back, rather than one step forward, two steps back.</p>

<p>With S2 –
Me: “It’s on your left.” (He looks right.)
Me: “No, your OTHER left.”</p>

<p>I feel your pain…at our house, it’s the phone and laptop chargers that S1, S2 and DH always forget.</p>

17

<p>I hate to tell y’all this but S1 is almost 23 years old and has been a habitual loser of things for the last ten years. It has not gotten better. </p>

<p>In high school, he lost his keys/phone in the house several times a week. Since getting his first cell phone at age 15, he has lost at least four phones, maybe more, I’ve lost count. A couple of others just got broken.</p>

<p>He has lost his wallet including credit/debit cards, college ID,Driver’s License at least three times. He thought somebody took his wallet/ phone fr. his truck when he was in college. He got a new phone and replaced all the contents of his wallet. A year later, he found wallet/phone stuffed down between the truck seats.
Recently he lost his driver’s license again and went two months before getting a new one.<br>
Just last month he lost his wallet again…said it must have fallen out of the truck door when he got out and he didn’t notice…but “don’t worry Mom, at least I didn’t lose my license this time because I never got it replaced from the last time”.</p>

<p>S1 is also the messiest guy you ever saw. While visiting us for Christmas, I turned back the comforter of his unmade bed and found…the TV remote, his car keys, an empty glass and a shirt! He’s not the greatest driver either.</p>

<p>Sounds like a real loser,right?..He was in the top ten in his h.s class (NM Commended, AP w/Distinction) went to state u. on a full ride, graduated magna cum laude, reads constantly, swims a mile/runs several/lifts weights every day(scary muscles) and is currently a SpecOps Officer in the U.S. Navy, extremely on top of things in his professional life…the Poster Child for absent minded prof. </p>

<p>I have never been able to cure the “lost it” disease. Good luck,ladies.</p>

18

<p>SZ - You’re right. Not every kid who is forgetful or loses things has ADD. However, those of us who feel like we live with a ping pong ball in our head or who forget the very thing that we have worked on for hours - in all likelihood have an attention deficit or some other neurological misfiring. </p>

<p>My younger DD is much like yours. Her room looks like a bomb went off in it, but she rarely misplaces school assignments or anything of importance. My office, on the other hand, looks pretty organized and no one I work with could ever believe me when I told them what a struggle it was to stay on top of things.</p>

19

<p>Funny, as while dh was yelling at him ds said, “I don’t know why I forget some thing because I’m usually so OCD.” :)</p>

<p>wnp, what are the coping strategies? For school work, we’ve talked about using a planner, but, really, school work isn’t much of an issue. The main is that he loses things and is sure thing happened when they didn’t. An example would be that once he “lost” $40. Mind you, no strangers were in the house, but he swears that he left for school in the morning with $40 sitting on his desk and he came home and it was gone. Never knew what came of that. Just last week, he said I must have thrown away his soccer schedule, which he was sure he’d hung on the refrigerator with all the other schedules. I agreed that that COULD have happened, but I sure don’t remember doing it. I found a new one online, not that big a deal. Surprise! He finds it in his backpack last night, even though he said he’d alredy looked there. Some things aren’t a big deal, but it’s frustrating.</p>

20

<p>This isn’t quite the same as “losing” things…but…
D was home for a week a week ago. While she rarely comes home, it is common that she accidentally leaves something here and then we have to mail it to her. So, when she was packing up the mess of her stuff (her six days home looked like a cyclone of her stuff)…I wanted to check her room, and the many other rooms where she had put all her belongings. She got annoyed and didn’t want me to check as if she was a little kid but I said that she often leaves things and it makes sense to check around as I did not want to have to spend money to mail her what she left behind. But she really didn’t want me to do that. I only checked two rooms before she adamantly asked me to stop and that she was on top of it, etc. </p>

<p>So…she gets back to NYC. Next day…she calls…and at first is just asking me what I thought of the movie, Nine, that I saw with her sister…but then I realized there was another reason for her call so soon after having left us…well, ugh, she realized she left her yoga mat in the guest room where she had laid it to do yoga while home and well, she understood if we could not mail it to her, but …well…um…it was new (“oh, what happened to your original yoga mat?”…“lost it recently at the yoga studio and had to buy myself a new one”). I really did not want to mail it. While I expect people to occasionally make mistakes and leave something behind, this was avoidable because I had gone to the trouble of trying to check to see if she had all her stuff from all the rooms she had put it in while she was home and she didn’t want me to and I had even said I didn’t want to have to pay to send her anything she leaves by mistake. The fact that she didn’t like that I wanted to check and then of course did leave something she uses and needs frequently and that she had bought with her own money, really made me not want to send it to her and I told her so and she even said she understood. But…hubby took her request and immediately mailed it to her…errrrr. She also got annoyed when I told her to remember to not leave her laptop in the security area or on the plane (both incidents happened in the past year). I mean at the least, she should not get annoyed at me for trying to help and then when she does this stuff, who pays for the delivery of lost/found items? Dad. He never says a word about it to her.</p>