Help a frazzled parent

Parent Cafe
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<p>YDSay -</p>

<p>Let me just give you a framework, rather than specifics - specifics will change, underlying principles will hold.</p>

<p>First of all, it is embarrassing for him when these things happen. Some of his denial is genuine, some of it may just be too ashamed to admit that he screwed up again. </p>

<p>Fortunately, it sounds like he uses a lot of effort on the things that matter, i.e. school. and on things with less significant consequences he lets up a little. If you had to choose, I am sure you would rather it be this way, so be grateful for this.</p>

<p>I think it is important to talk to him, not about a particular incident, but about whether HE thinks he loses things, misplaces things more than he should. If he can admit this, then you can talk about things like retracing steps, always mentally reviewing if you have valuables before you leave, etc. I never leave anywhere without saying aloud (softly) glasses? I always check for my glasses. I should probably check for other things, but if I do, then I might forget to check for my glasses. </p>

<p>Encourage him to become a list maker. I write lists for everything. Everything. </p>

<p>Encourage him to try and estimate how long something is going to take and allow a little extra time so he can re-check belongings, obligations, before he leaves a place. </p>

<p>Going from one place to another is the tough thing. You get distracted with what you are doing next and you forget what you need to bring with you. </p>

<p>Don’t make this his identity. Don’t give him labels. It is one thing to say I know you can get distracted when you have a lot on your mind, it is entirely different to doom him to be the absent minded professor. It is belittling and doesn’t allow for improvement. I know people say it in a light-hearted, almost complimentary way, but it interferes with growth. </p>

<p>I would avoid arguments about whether he did or did not lose something. I would just do a “Columbo” like thing and say you just can’t imagine what happened to the $$, or the schedule. Then there is no winner or loser. It is just an unfortunate situation that he has to cope with. (I know you can’t always stick to that, sometimes you just want to smack them and tell them to get a grip, they lost it - but try, try, to make it impersonal. </p>

<p>So - that’s all for now. It is such a funny balance. Acceptance of difficulty without excusing or rescuing and trying not to strangle them.</p>

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<p>PS - the line about OCD is telling. People tease me about that and I know it is my way of hanging on by a thread. I am not OCD, it is truly a coping mechanism.</p>

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<p>Thanks. This part really resonated with me: “First of all, it is embarrassing for him when these things happen. Some of his denial is genuine, some of it may just be too ashamed to admit that he screwed up again.”</p>

<p>I think we do pretty well by him, but dh went so over the top tonight that it all came to a head. I relate to him a lot and, really, dh is much more like him than he’d admit. It was the fact that the key and phone have been missng for days and we could have been robbed because ds is easily identifiable based on info on the phone that set dh off.</p>

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<p>I can give you a little hope. S1 was always horrible about losing things – I think he learned to be a minimalist because he lost everything. Cell phones, keys, wallets, clothes, shoes, you name it he lost it. TWICE he lost a test while walking from his desk to the front of the room to turn it in. From kindergarten on he had a whole cadre of friends, both girls and boys who looked out for him. It was not unusual for friends to stop by with his coat, his wallet, whatever that they had found somewhere. Up until he stopped riding the bus, his bus driver would just save everything in a bag and give it to him on Friday as he got off the bus. It never seemed to bother him and he always seemed surprised when people returned his stuff. I was really worried about him going off to school on his own – I was convinced he would lose everything. But he has done really well – in three years he has lost nothing at school. He claims he doesn’t even misplace things. But as soon as he walks in the door at home he loses everything. So far this Christmas he has lost his cell phone (twice), a set of car keys, his wallet, $20, and three pairs of gloves. We talk about it and his theory is that he feels so comfortable at home that he thinks of the whole world as his space, so the stuff is not really lost, it is just in another room. </p>

<p>I should add however, that was not him who lost his PSAT test, but his a****** high school counselor.</p>

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<p>Do they outgrow it? I’m not holding out much hope as my nearly 50 year old H is the same way. I guess he’s better in a way. He also married someone who keeps track of his stuff. I should let him flounder but it’s easier and cheaper to help. I can’t tell you how many times he forgets his phones at home and he loses his work ID all the time. But usually the phones are on his nightstand and his ID is lost in his car. </p>

<p>His brother is the same way. The first time I met him he was in medical school. He was visiting his parents and drove back to school about 2 hours away. He called when he got back to school inquiring where his books were. They were in his parents house, sitting by the back door. His mom calmly said, oh you left them here, I’ll ship them to you tomorrow. The weird thing was that no one seemed surprised or concerned that he left his medical school books at home. Apparently things like that happened all the time.</p>

<p>He’s a very successful physician who still loses stuff all the time. </p>

<p>Thankfully neither one of my kids have inherited this gene. One on my BIL’s kids has. I’m just thanking my lucky stars that I have one person to look after.</p>

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<p>I’ve joked before that I would never let ds2 operate on me. “Hmmmm, has anyone seen my keys?”</p>

<p>Gave him instructions for what to do at school today to follow up on the theft and told him to call me when he’s done. No call. School starts in one minute. <em>sigh</em></p>

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<p>It doesn’t seem to be getting better. Last night, the college police called on my daughter’s cell (she’s been back at college for approximately 30 hours) to tell me that it had been found and they were calling a number to find out whose phone it was. When you are expecting to hear your child’s voice and the person identifies herself as police, it is unsettling. I am still waiting to hear whether her wallet was in the purse that had the phone or if she had the wallet with her. My hubby and I both manage to keep track of our stuff, but the tendancy to lose things must have come from his side. hahahaha</p>

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<p>In our house, we’ve had some limited (and usually temporary) succuess in combatting this by reducing overall clutter, and insisting that certain places (the top of the washing machine, the space by the steps, etc.) not be used as “staging areas” for stuff that really needs to go somewhere else. I’ve also thought of replacing all our furniture with solid plastic blocks so no cell phones, pens, or remote controls could go down under the cushions.</p>

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<p>I had problems losing things as a teenager but have solved them as an adult by setting up systems - basically everything has a place. When I drive to work I put my backpack and workout bag in the trunk of the car where my employee badge is. I have two sets of keys in my right coat pocket, wallet in a particular pocket, cell phone in another pocket. I have two sets of car keys so if I lock myself out (hasn’t happened in the last 10 years), I have a backup. The set of keys with house, office, etc. keys is long and somewhat heavy. If it falls out, it will be heard. At home and in the office, the cell phone is either in my coat pocket or on a charger on my desk.</p>

<p>The key is to set up systems and habits that make it harder to lose and misplace things and to have backup systems in place if your main systems fail.</p>

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<p>^^Great ideas. Do you consult? Oh and DD did have her wallet.</p>

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<p>My son at 20 still loses things. Multiple sets of car keys that can only be purchased from the dealer and programed at the dealer with the car. Last year we went through a crisis where he had gotten down to just 1 set of car keys. Somehow between driving into our driveway and the house he lost the keys. He went so far as to say it was the puppies fault. He was convinced the puppy had ate the keys. We knew the keys had to be somewhere. It have the car towed to the dealer and keys made was going to be beyond my son’s bank account. He had to walk and skateboard. Finally my H found the keys in between the seats of the car. At that point we made my son pay for getting a 2nd set made. At one point he lost 1 set at a concert that he had taken a cab. Another sleeping over at a friend (again without the car). Another time we think he took them back to college(again without even having the car).
When he lose or breaks a phone we don’t rush to buy him another. He has used some pretty old phones we have saved.
He has misplaced his debit card on way to many occasions. Soph year we brought up a replacement card (to replace the one he had no idea where it had gone). While visiting my H drove him to the bank to activate the card. We go home and a week later we get a phone call from someone at the bank in his college town. His account is at a home branch so we are not sure what is up. Son can’t seem to make time to call. Finally my H calls and reaches a nice woman who says someone turned in a ATM card that was left in the machine on blank date. The day he activated the card. He forgot to remove the card when he activated it. He didn’t even know he had lost the card. This is the reason this child does not have a credit card!
His room also looks like a cyclone went through.</p>

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<p>S1 just emailed to give me a list of things he forgot (which I hadn’t noticed). He is a proud absent-minded professor. I will note that he doesn’t lose stuff at college – it’s when he comes home that things go awry.</p>

<p>Hey, this proves I am still useful, even if only for taking boxes to the P.O. :)</p>

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<p>Well, I am not going to comment on where Hunt’s phones have been spotted :)</p>

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<p>Ha! And my wife is not the one who typically loses stuff!</p>

<p>The inside joke is that my wife dropped her phone inside a Port-A-Potty at a college football game–and that’s how we met worknprogress.</p>

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<p>Everyone in my family of four is terribly absent-minded. We all constantly misplace all the basics–keys, phones, purses, wallets. I often leave behind my purse in stores, or walk out after paying without the item purchased. H is the same with leaving things behind in taxis or at restaurants. </p>

<p>Naturally, my Ds have inherited these genetic tendencies. I’ve told them that it is something they have to know about themselves and learn procedures to compensate. D1 especially has lost many things in her life (as have her parents) but basically I let her suffer the consequences by replacing things with her own money. I think she’s gotten better on her own at college this year, but who knows? D2 is somewhat better at keeping track and highly organized as a student, but can walk into a room looking for something and miss what’s right in front of her. Ironically, she has superior visual-spacial skills which seems to me a contradiction.</p>

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<p>But Wildwood, sometimes those very skills are a distraction. It is the whole ping pong ball thing. I take in WAY too much stimuli, but the trick for me is to just stick to paying attention to what is important at that moment. Earlier I talked about always checking to see if I have my glasses. It is the single most important thing for me. Just today I was trying on some jeans and I took off my prescription sunglasses in the dressing room. I paid the jeans, and as I headed for the door I said to myself - check for glasses. Yup they were on the bench in the dressing room. Now I can tell you how many people were in the store, what the three customers and the two clerks were wearing, but if I didn’t go thru this ritual of asking myself where my glasses were…it is a stressful way to go thru life.</p>

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<p>Yes, thanks wnp. It is stressful and sometimes highly embarrassing. I certainly can relate to the leaving glasses behind. I always thought it had something to do with short-term versus long-term memory, as we are all pretty strong in the latter. Or else, we have minds that just set themselves to “automatic” too easily and do things like set down keys or jot down info somewhere??? without paying attention to what their doing, cuz of course, they’ve got more lofty things to think about, lol.</p>

<p>Believe me, I’ve tried making myself (and Ds) have systems…like always leaving things in a certain place when I get to the house or keeping the car keys in the same pocket when I’m out. Some things work, but I swear almost everytime I go toward the car I have to look in at least five places between pockets and purse (sometimes repeatedly) before I find the key (and that’s if I didn’t leave it on store counter). I know it is a question of being stricter with oneself, but what happens when you’re too distracted to remember to follow your own rules?</p>

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<p>These last couple of posts have made me feel better. Ds2 has amazing recall. He memorizes lines so easily. He remembers things like what he wore to his second birthday party or food served at a dinner 10 years ago. And he’s very attuned to people’s moods and body language. I’m going to go with the idea he’s taking a lot in at once.</p>

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<p>S had been at school for less than a month when he lost his keys. The only reason he told me (almost a week later) is because the key to the little lockbox that holds his meds was on the same keyring. He wanted me to bring him the spare key so he could take his meds. He’s less than an hour away so that wasn’t a problem, but I wasn’t very happy about him going without meds for several days (he has bipolar disorder).</p>

<p>Over a month later, he found the keys. IN HIS BACKPACK. :mad: The front pouch where he always kept his keys and cell phone has a number of little pouches inside it, and the keys were inside one of them. Why he didn’t look in there before, I don’t know. Of course, the lock had already been changed, which cost $57.</p>

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<p>Youdon’tsay & Wildwood - It is stressful growing up with a great mind that betrays you on things that matter. My parents were both very, very methodical and hard-working. They were both extremely frustrated and downright angry with me a lot. I was told I was a goof-off, lazy, irresponsible, etc. Actually, I was very conscientious and somewhat of a perfectionist. The nuns told my folks at every conference that I was not working up to my potential. I was grounded, denied phone privileges, etc. I would resolve that I would do better, BE better, but my best efforts would go awry. </p>

<p>I went to college and did become a goof-off. I couldn’t take the stress of trying and not meeting everyone’s expectations, including my own. I dropped out of college and worked for a year and a half. Fortunately, I didn’t like my job, so I returned to school. While employed, I started to drink coffee. I noticed that a little coffee helped me stay focused. I finished undergrad, went on to grad school and first was an LD consultant and then went on and became a school psychologist. </p>

<p>When I started working with kids and realized that I was a classic ADD kid myself, it was so easy to help students and families. I certainly never talked about my situation, but kids and parents marveled at how well I understood the challenges and the pitfalls. Sure it was easy, I lived their life. </p>

<p>A couple of weeks ago we had a thread about holiday meals and I said I make and freeze everything in advance. It is a coping strategy. If I waited until the day before, I might forget something - like the main entree - and feel like an idiot. </p>

<p>So, hang in there. Recognize and verbalize the positive traits you see in your kid. Believe me, it will go a long way.</p>