<p>JYM, I am here to help Calimom and her son, Will. I am not into a senseless debate on your semantics.</p>
<p>Hahaha thats quite funny. That, on the heels of your insulting post # 92 telling me I couldn’t do the math? I’ll take that as an apology. I work with the mentally ill, the head injured and some military active duty and retired personnel. I am here to help the OP’s son too-- and to address/respond to incorrect information when it is posted. These are not “semantics”. These are additional variables that have to be considered when comparing the frequency of suicide in the 2 populations. Apology accepted.</p>
<p>** By the way, what country did you serve in the military? Here, the draft is long gone, a potential recruit has to want to enlist, and even with the # of troops in Iraq being significantly scaled back, it can be a very tough several years. Don’t get me wrong, it can be a good experience for many. My H is an army officer (now in the reserves) and we have friends with kids in the military. But it is not simply a matter of military vs homelessness. As you said, treatment, if the s will comply, is a first line approach.</p>
<p>I left out that he did do a 30 day stint at a very prominent rehab center. He wanted to leave the first 3 days but stuck it out becuase we said we woulnd’t take his phone calls and the doors would be locked if he decided to walk out, playing tough with him being far away was effective…he stayed and was a model member of that environemnt for 30 days. When we went for a visit weekend, we felt like in some ways he didn’t belong…he was the only one there for only pot. Nearly every kid there was there for hardcore drugs, cocaine,heroin, oxycotins(most in for that),etc…even the other parents questioned why we had sent him…but he was a dual diagnosis, depression and pot addtiction. For those that thought maybe he has done more…thank God the extensive testing proved that he only had pot in his system.</p>
<p>For the first weeks that he got back, things seemed great, he seemed like a changed man but slowly he crept back into his old ways, had a hard time trying to readjust, was anxious and the depression came back. It is a crippling situation indeed. They recommended “aftercare” which my husband was against and decided he was ready to come home (I did not agree) and so it is that he is here about 4 months later and things are not quite as bad as they were but slowly heading there.</p>
<p>My biggest problem with having him leave our house is not knowing the depths of his depression/hopelessness. He is not overly expressive and keeps a lot in. He is from a high achieving family in an affluent neighborhood where everyone seems to go to great colleges, and land great jobs,etc…he feels lost in the shuffle of such an accomplished group…not that he is not fully capable of being one of them, just not right this minute.</p>
<p>My husband comes back tomorrow, thank God and we will see this new therapist together. Will said hes going to work today, where unknownst to him, he will be told by cousin (boss) that one more missed day unless he is sick, he will have to let him go. Best thing that could happen, becuase he will know from a relative stranger that there is a consequence.</p>
<p>Someone said something about knowing when to let go, and I ask myself this all the time. Thinking most people probably would have done it by now, he has caused a great deal of distress on all of us and our household. I have become a different person, physically, emotionally and mentally. I know that whether I choose for it to or not, it really cannot go on much longer this way. I am really hoping the therapist can help us find some direction here.</p>
<p>^ I understand, my daughter also grew up with high achieving brothers, one has just graduated MIT and two will graduate from Cornell this coming May. When families have children who seem to be at complete opposite ends there is alot of guilt on the parents end. We seem to question if our pride in our high achievers have made our lower achieving kids feel inadequate. I always wondered if I sent some message to my daughter but I still don’t think I have. I saw myself as accepting and encouraging but for the kid who is always seeing the siblings success it must be difficult. However, this is not a reason to say to hell with my life, and to behave in a way that is self destructive. </p>
<p>Depression and ADHD is a difficult combination that requires much love and support but it also requires some boundaries before the behavior reaches a level where the child is spiraling. I wish I could tell you for sure that our approach is working…I just don’t know. My daughter has a long way to go and her time away this past summer seems to have thrown her off. I just know one thing, and that is what we were doing was not working, so now it is our daughters responsibility to find what works for her.</p>
<p>My eyes are always opened to the danger area but if we keep living like she is about to take her own life, than she is not going to have a chance to really live her life. Real living means all the good and all the difficult aspects of life it does not mean that we will find jobs for our kids or providing money for all of their wants and it does not even mean that we could make them happy. Real life is simply putting one foot in front of the other and sometimes that foot may stumble causing them to fall…that is real life. I think kids have succeeded when they are no longer afraid to fall because they know they could pick themselves up. It has nothing to do with the college they attend or the career they choose…it really is just about them finding their own happiness.</p>
<p>I do agree Mommathree, in some cases because of our unintentional enabling towards Will, he really doesn’t know just how much he can do and accomplish on his own. He has rarely had the chance to do this and when he did (sending him away to college) he wasn’t up to the task to be successful, that was probably his last stab at total independence. Why he is so different from my other two very goal oriented and high achieving other two…I have yet to figure out.</p>
<p>I don’t even expect him to be like the two of them, if he decided to have a career playing music in some smokey downtown bar 6 nights a week or decided to become a plumber, as long as he is happy and content and fulfilled I WOULD BE THRILLED and I truly truly mean it with all my being. I just want to see him satisfied and enjoying his life. To see a kid so miserable makes my heart ache on a daily basis. I am out of whack in so many ways myself, and I know my daughter though she doesn’t express it fully is equally troubled and thrown off.</p>
<p>It really brings down the entire family. I know there is no quick fix, but I want to feel/know that whatever we are doing is even in some tiny way working, working towards that unified goal of him getting better. Don’t feel we are in that place right now. He still is very lost, very down, and seeming very hopeless. He is up and getting ready to go to work so we will take it one day at a time…the therapist did say to applaud even the small steps, so even though it somewhat goes against my nature to applaud someone for “getting up and do what they are supposed to do like 99% of the population”, I will put that aside and tell him I am proud of him for going and getting himself up. The therapist said he feels so bad about himself and is beating himself up so much (inside) that he needs to hear something good, something reassuring and that he is in some small way redeeming himself in our eyes.</p>
<p>I like something the Navajo say, that children should be directed back on the path with a feather</p>
<p>----I love that quote. Having been down the path you are, I sooooo agree with the quote.</p>
<p>Please, please go to Nar-Anon meetings.</p>
<p>Please also encourage your son to go to Narcotics Anonymous meetings and find a sponsor.</p>
<p>^I agree, the meetings will be a big help. They have allowed me to step back and view the picture from the outside looking in. I too thought I could just keep on going and that eventually I would fix the situation. Now I am working on fixing myself so that I will stop trying to fix my daughter. She needs to find her own way because someday mom won’t be here to make everything better. Your son will need to find his way even if it means that he does not have the same lifestyle that he is accustomed to enjoying. I know it sounds rough but if he lost the job you would see him make sometype of move. Right now he is just going along and waiting for life to happen for him. Sometimes it takes a change to bring a change.</p>
<p>OP, have you ever taken your son for career counseling/aptitude testing? I’m going to look into this for my son. I’ve always assumed that my kids would get college degrees - and almost certainly advanced degrees as well. It now seems possible that my son won’t. I simply don’t have a clue of what careers are out there for those who don’t have a degree. Sure, retail, and the trades. But I bet there are lots of folks out there with interesting jobs and no degree…I just don’t have a grasp of what the jobs are.</p>
<p>missypie, funny you say that because a friend mentioned doing the same thing and gave me the name of a place she took both of her in college kids just to find out what they were best suited for. We may look into that down the road but right now he needs to get help for the suffering he is going through, frankly he wouldn’t’ admit it but my guess is a career is the last thing on his mind, he is overwhelmed and depressed and wants out of what he is going through.</p>
<p>Met with therapist…spent almost 2 hours together, bottom line is that he feels he is definitely in a major depression, feels so down on himself, and so used to hearing that what he is doing is wrong, bad, counterproductive, so used to being the “black sheep” that he engages in reckless, I don’t care behavior (pot or drinking). He said right now as hard as it is, we need to take a step back and lay off a bit…there is much more to it than that and we are coming up with a strategy, and tonight we will go back but this time my husband and I alone to meet with him. I felt better coming out of that meeting last night…its one tiny step in hopefully the right direction.</p>
<p>Next thing on the agenda is getting him on the meds asap. No matter, what there is no quick fix and its going to take some time but I am willing to try what he is suggesting because in all honesty I am quite desperate and just so badly want to see him get well and for him to be happy and a fully functioning kid again.</p>
<p>Good luck, calimom. It sounds like you’re on a good path and that getting your son on the meds and giving him the support he needs as he finds his way out of the depression is not a tiny but a big step. I’m glad you’re not going with the tough love approach for now. Hang in there. It will get better. Hugs to you…</p>
<p>Wishing you all the best. It sounds like your son is on the right path.</p>
<p>Yes, wishing you absolutely all the best. Remember that the first month on meds is a very strange time-- be very alert and understanding. All the best.</p>
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<p>I guess I should feel grateful that mine is only eating to excess. Since he’s been on ADD and depression meds for quite some time, I’ve put the fear of God in him that something really bad would happen to him if he added alcohol to the mix. When your son is on meds, I hope the doctor will have a frank discussion with him about mixing whatever he prescribes with alcohol.</p>
<p>Missypie, we talked on the phone today about that very thing, the effectiveness or potential ineffectiveness of the meds if he chooses to smoke or drink, he is going to speak to him in the next few days about this, as this will have a huge impact on how they work for him.
Thanks for all the good wishes, he woke up today and went to work and FOR HIM that was a big step so going very much against my nature, (to not compliment unless really warranted) and to the nod of the therapist…I complimented him on how he looked and told him we are all proud of him for getting up to go and be productive. In addition to him having to change HIS behavior, it means a change in OURS as well so we are all relearning behaviors and reactions, at the same time.
Challenging-very but I will keep plugging because I cannot think of anything more important to me than my sons/kids happiness…and I cannot imagine being genuinely content in my own life unless I know they are fulfilled…will keep you posted!</p>
<p>Well, I think it is fine to compliment each step when your S is in such a fragile state. Modeling new behaviors teaches us too!</p>
<p>^^^ My daughter eats more with the anti depressants but losses that appetite with the adderal. Also I notice a big difference in her demeanor when she is on both meds. Even the tone of her voice seems to be different when she takes both. The anti depressants alone do not stabilize her mood…interesting.</p>
<p>Calimom, How is your son doing?</p>
<p>busdriver…I just read the thread and I can assume your post was directed at me. You obviously lead a charmed life or you would never print what you did. Parents come here seeking advice because of the anonymous nature of this site and the fact that we all have children. Posters like myself, the OP and others should take note that CC should be preserved for college talk, chance me threads, and how to spend your tuition dollars. This is not the place to share the troubles that we go through while raising our “perfect children” or there will be a poster like busdriver who would rather not discuss such issues.</p>
<p>momma-three, what are you talking about? I haven’t even posted after you, one single time. How could I have directed something at you? I am most certain you are referencing someone else.</p>