HELP! I am committed to play a sport at a school I don't think I belong at. What do I do?

College Life
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During my junior year (last year), I committed to play division 1 women’s lacrosse. This year, I signed my NLI for the same school. The recruiting process was very long for me, and I had decided early on that I wanted to play at the division 3 level. However, when I finally got noticed by a division 1 school, I took the visit, liked what I saw, and committed without hesitation. The school goes against everything I had originally said I wanted in a school. It is very large and far from home when I wanted a small school that was close to home. Their lacrosse program is also brand new, with the first recruiting class being 2023s (college graduating class of 2027s). Because of this, there were no other athletes for me to ask if they liked the school. I know it sounds dumb that I committed without thinking it through, but in the moment everything about it seemed really great. A lot of it still sounds pretty great, but I am torn. Here is a pros and cons list I made about this school:
pros

  • top of the line everything lacrosse wise
  • athletic scholarship
  • assigned to the best dorms
  • nice girls on the team and nice coaches
    cons
  • too far (10 hours)
  • i don’t fit in with the people that go there (the non-athletes)
  • commuter school
  • too big
  • i won’t be the best on the team & who knows if i’ll even play (my parents think I won’t be the worst on the team and that I will play. They are brutally honest, so they are probably right but I have very low confidence sooo)
  • D1 lacrosse is a full time job
  • a girl on the team told me that the class of lacrosse girls that are currently there don’t go out or party (something I would like to do)
  • tons of car break ins and there were 3 arrests on campus this week alone
  • i have a very bad feeling about it and don’t see myself going there

That being said, I have some options on what I can do.

  1. I can go there, see if I like it, and transfer to another school (with or without D1 lacrosse) if I do not like it
  2. I can get released from my NLI contract and apply to other schools, but this means I will not be playing D1 lacrosse in college (because the NLI penalty is taking away a year of eligibility and I would have to try out/walk on to the team at a new school)
  3. I can get released from my NLI contract and play D3 lacrosse (what I had originally wanted). Today, I got accepted to a D3 school. This school checks all my boxes, I have an offer to play lacrosse there and the coach really liked me, and my acceptance came with a merit scholarship that is more than my athletic scholarship at the D1 school. I really wanted to go here originally, and I was about to commit before the D1 school called. The only downside is, my longterm high school boyfriend is committed to play men’s lacrosse at this D3 school. My mom says we will definitely break up if were at the same school, but I think we could make it work. It is not a big school, 3,000 students, but I could really see myself going here.

So, what do I do!!! Help!!! Thank you so much in advance, and I hope most of this makes sense (it was very hard to write out).

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To me, #3 seems like what you really want to do. It checks all your boxes. So I would vote #3.

You might break up if you go to the same school, you might break up if you go to different schools, or you might make it work in either case. Who knows. You are (probably) 17 or 18 years old and, while I get that you love him, you can not make life decisions based around this right now. It may work out or it may not. But you must decide on college based on your needs because you can not predict the future of a relationship once both parties start college. There are no guarantees either way.

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Put aside lacrosse for a second. Where do you want to go to college? I think you have answered that. On top of a better college experience, it will be cheaper and you will more likely have a better lacrosse experience at choice 3.

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#3. It seems it will offer a better all around experience.

I think it’s interesting and also shows great self awareness that you said your boyfriend being there is a downside. If you and the boyfriend are meant to stay together, it will happen. And if not, it seems as though this school is a good fit. Should you go separate ways, I think it’s likely you will have people there who can support you.

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I also think choice #3. D1 – like you said – is a full time job. If you got hurt or couldn’t play where would you rather be. Sounds like the D3 school.

Also, I would think it would be easier to keep the boyfriend if you are at the same school. Long distance relationships are really hard in college.

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Just because you wanted to go to a small school - could it be possible that your mindset changed and that’s why you jumped at the chance to go to the big school?

Not saying your desires changed but for many they do.

It’s ok if your mindset changed but it’s also ok if you want to stick with the original plan.

PS - kids break up when they go to school together, often earlier than they break up if they go for a distance.

I wouldn’t factor a relationship into the right school - if it’s meant to be, it’ll find itself later.

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You do have a decision to make! Obviously all we can do is listen to how you are explaining things and reflect back to you, plus think about our own experiences and those we’ve observed.

It may well be that this D3 school is the right fit for you, and “I could really see myself going there” is a really powerful feeling - one you should listen to!

That said, there are a few of your notes about the D1 school that I think are worth thinking about:

At any school of any size, you’re going to find people you fit in with and people you don’t. It may take a little longer - and as an athlete, it always takes longer to find the non-athlete community - but I wouldn’t assume that everyone is in Box A and you’re in Box B.

There’s your other community! Party kids! I’m only semi-kidding. Also the kids that are there now are less than half of the kids that will be there when you go (I say less because some will leave), and you don’t know what the party scene for the team will be like then, or what it will be like at the D3 school. I do think that pretty much anywhere you’ll find party people.

Just in general I wouldn’t put too much weight on the people you’ve met as the 100% representation of a school, good or bad.

Also, I don’t know where you think you’ll rank on the D3 team, but I do know that most athletes want to not be the best on the team, especially as a first-year - they want to be good enough to play and grow but they don’t want to be carrying the team.

I agree (like everyone else) that the relationship shouldn’t be part of your decision, but of course I do, I’m a grown adult. :slight_smile: We can’t really be in your shoes here, but I hope people are helpful.

It sounds like things are going to work out for you either way, and it also sounds like your heart is pushing you in one direction. Feel free to listen to it! You clearly have a good head on your shoulders. Keep us posted.

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I don’t think you’ve said anything about your academic interests. Which school do you think is best for you academically? Are there back up majors at each school in case you change your mind?

Small schools are limited in the number of majors and courses offered, but they make up for that in other ways. The pros of a big school are the cons of a small school and vice versa. Have you given some thought to the differences academically?

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You don’t know who you fit in with - at any school - but it’s more likely you’ll find people to fit in with at a large school than small.

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I don’t agree with that. When people choose a small college, that’s quite a deliberate decision. Many very small colleges have high retention rates, probably higher than the commuter collge she is thinking of not attending. Happy students stay.

It can be overwhelming to make friends at large college. People can struggle to make themselves heard. Classes can be large and impersonal. That can contribute to lack of confidence.

There are pros and cons to any size college but I think OPs pros for #3 outweigh the pros of any other option and outweigh the cons too.

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When is the deadline to make this decision? If it’s in January sometime, or later, I would urge you to put this decision making aside for now…and revisit it with some space between this new acceptance and opportunity.

In other words…take a break from this decision right now.

If the decision needs to be made this week…that’s another story…please clarify when you need to do this.

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IMO if this student is going to break the NIL they signed, they should do that ASAP. That coach will have an unexpected hole on the team to fill and the more time OP gives them, the better.

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Is the big school Clemson by any chance? If so there is a great group of girls there on the lax team and they are going to compete at a very high level. Anecdotally, I know several kids who have gone there and loved it socially.

With the new transfer policy in the NCAA you will certainly have transfer options either way so you are not necessarily “stuck” with your choice and likely will have more transfer options than typical non athlete students. Best of luck as these are good choices to have.

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I don’t think this student should share which school it is here. TMI.

To the OP…make the decision that is what you think is right for you. Take the sport out of the equation, in my opinion…because you might not continue to play all four years.

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If OP breaks the NLI now, the NLI penalties apply. The basic penalty is the loss of one season of competition in all sports and a required one year in residence at the next NLI institution. (Note this penalty does not apply if going to a non-NLI institution, like OP’s D3 school option).
http://www.nationalletter.org/frequentlyAskedQuestions/nliPenalty.html

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My argument to this would be -

When you choose a college and we’ve seen it this year with some - when you choose a small one and if you really feel sheltered - there’s not a lot of places to go.

Now, if you go to a big school, yes it can be hard to find your crowd - but the amount of different crowds is far greater - so it’s out there - if you can find it.

My main point is/was - OP is making assumptions to justify going to small - that are not necessarily true.

OP should choose the school they want - I am 100% there - but if one is making a pro / con list with assumptions that aren’t necessarily true, I was just pointing it out.

Truth is - no one 100% knows if the school is right for them socially - until they are there and living it.

But I believe - not that it’s easier but that the possibility of finding a social fit can be better at a large school.

As for graduation rates - let’s be honest - the small schools have higher graduation rates buy by and large by the schools we are talking about, they are wealthier schools and wealthier students.

But I’m not looking to debate that - I was simply pointing out that I didn’t necessarily agree with the logic the student put up.

That’s all.

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OP- hugs to you. I bet this decision feels a lot more complicated than it actually is.

In your heart- are you going to college for athletics, or are you going for the academics? Once you’ve got a fix on that, I think your decision will be pretty clear. You will for sure have to deal with lots of feelings around that decision (everyone has feelings) and regrets and second-guessing and Monday morning quarterbacking… but once you’ve got your “ride or die” in view, the rest will fall into place.

No judgement here. I know kids who’ve made a conscious “Athletic opportunity comes first” and have made everything else work- sometimes it takes a lot of effort, but what things in life don’t? And other kids who have decided to focus on the right intellectual/social environment; other kids for whom the ONLY relevant decision was the lowest cost; other kids who had to put everything else on the backburner because a parent or sibling was ill and they needed the most commutable or close to home option so they could help out with family needs.

No wrong answers. I know you’ll figure this out!

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I don’t completely agree with this. At many smaller colleges, the applicants and matriculants are somewhat self selecting. IOW, they apply to the school because they feel it meets their needs and comfort level and level of academics.

So…if this poster really feels that the smaller college meets their needs better overall, then that should be the pick. Some kids just don’t want to be at a huge university…and it sounds like that is the case for this student.

But I’ll repeat my advice above. Give this a rest for a couple of days and come back to it. If the deadline for making this decision is after the December holidays…all the better. I think this poster needs some space between this newer opportunity and a decision.

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Congratulations on your choices, I’m sure you worked hard to put yourself where you are.

This is a personal decision, and no one here can really say what is right for you. What I would advise is go to the school you really want to go to (based on whatever criteria that is important to you - for me that would be academic programs, academic fit and social fit). I would not worry about your NLI, there is precious little loyalty in college sports, and no one will think ill of you if you switch now (or at least no one who matters). It’s definitely something that happens - a neighbor of ours got a D1 soccer scholarship but ended up backing out after she couldn’t see herself at the school, and she went to another school she was interested in. A word of caution, she wasn’t immediately happy with the new school and has taken time to adjust, although she’s doing better now.

There’s a lot of unpredictability with school choices, if possible try to remain as flexible as possible and keep yourself open to good experiences with wherever you end up.

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I want to major in business, and both schools fulfill my interest. However, the d3 school has a Five-Year Combined BS/MBA Program that would be great!

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