Help! I have helicopter parents!

tamasha · February 13, 2013, 6:55pm

Hi CC Parents,
I deliberately posted in this forum because I feel that parents can probably give me a better perspective and better advice on this issue than other students my age.

I am a junior originally from TX (class of 2014) at an expensive private college on the East Coast (no financial aid but some small loans/scholarships), and I just returned from a study abroad program in Cuba (yes, Cuba). I have also been in a relationship with a Black male student that I met at college my freshman year and started going out with sophomore year.

To give some background, my parents are conservative, well-educated, well-to-do immigrant parents who don’t really know how to let go of their adult daughters. My father is particularly bad in the helicopter parenting department.

There are multiple issues that I have when it comes to “letting go,” so to speak:

I had a paid internship the summer before studying abroad and decided to use the money I earned to pay for a Spring Break trip to Puerto Rico with my boyfriend. Since I usually go home for Spring Break and my parents pay for the plane ticket, I told my mom about the vacation so that she wouldn’t book a ticket back to TX. My mom didn’t like it, but she didn’t fight me on it. My father, OTOH, felt personally offended that I didn’t ask him for permission to go on this vacation, even though I’m an adult and used my own money to pay for the plane ticket, the hotel, etc. They both were mostly upset that I was going with my boyfriend, since we are not a married couple. Also, my dad is still trying to get over the fact that my boyfriend is Black.

<ol>
<li>Apart from the vacation, my parents pay for all my expenses, from food to housing to tuition/books/etc. I’m very lucky and very thankful that my parents can provide me with this aid, but my father often uses it as a control tactic. For the past three years (save during my study abroad program), every week, without fail, my father will call and ask about every single charge on my online statement and lecture me about the importance of managing my money. Each time I attempt to find a job and close out the account, my father tells me not to worry about money and just concentrate on studying. I understand that he’s giving me the money and has the right to ask, but I feel that his minute monitoring is overly excessive and unhealthy. My mom has tried talking to him about this multiple times, but it hasn’t solved anything.</li>
<li>Every decision turns into a huge fight with my parents. For example, when I applied to my study abroad program, I told them about it since it would charge tuition/books/etc, and they needed to know. Needless to say, they were upset that I wasn’t going to a “conventional” destination like London or Spain or Costa Rica. It turned into a huge fight. I went anyway since I was accepted, and my mom helped him mellow out on this decision.</li>
</ol>

My relationship with my father has deteriorated to the point where I sometimes don’t pick up the phone when he calls or will deliberately wait a few days to answer his emails. I love my parents, and I feel horribly guilty for treating my father this way. But I’m sick of the bickering and being treated like a five year-old. Even my sister (college grad, 25), who is much more patient and passive than I am, is starting to chafe at his behavior. My biggest fear is that I will be financially chained to my family for the rest of my life since I have absolutely no idea where to begin regarding financial independence. I have also decided to see a college counselor and get therapy.

Parents, please, help me understand. What do I do?

Kajon · February 13, 2013, 7:51pm

Tamasha - You sound like a great kid. And it sounds like your parents really do love you. I hope someone can offer tips on how to best handle your situation. Here are my 3 gut reactions to your post. It is not intended to come off sounding like a lecture.

1) Your dad is probably trying to stay active in your life the only way he knows how and that seems to be by focusing on your finances. I am sure he doesn’t mean to “pick” about the details. It might be his way of trying to open a simple dialogue about what you are doing/spending. And yes, he is fearful of the day you no longer need his advice!

2) What is with kids and foreign countries for spring break? My 21 year old son is heading off to Cancun and I am a nervous wreck. It is his money, he has a good head on his shoulders and he will have a great experience. There are just so many things that can go wrong in a party atmosphere in a foreign country. I would have been 10 times happier if he would have selected Florida or Texas.

3) Sometimes us parents process things more slowly and at times we need some warning before getting involved in a topic. I think they might have handled the study abroad issue better if you had discussed it with them BEFORE you registered.

intparent · February 13, 2013, 8:16pm

You have one more year. He is paying your bills. Just chill until you are done, then don’t move back to Texas.

tamasha · February 13, 2013, 8:38pm

Easier said than done. The economy for young grads is absolutely horrible right now, and I wouldn’t mind cleaning bathrooms or assembling sandwiches while doing unpaid internships, but if I can’t find a job in my field, then I might have to move back home.

Sent from my SGH-T999 using CC

intparent · February 13, 2013, 8:47pm

Not sure what your field is… but hope you have hustled up a decent internship for this summer (you are running late if you have not done so yet). And start your job search early – in the fall. And don’t be too picky in this economy, consider a broader range than your “ideal” job. There was a thread out here a few days ago about a political science major who was two years out of college with no job, but she appeared to have only been looking at government jobs. You need to look at any job that will use your strongest skills (analysis? writing? interviewing? etc.). It sounds like you have some incentive to get on this and work hard at it! The best way to escape the helicoptering is to become a self-supporting adult – not kidding.

tamasha · February 13, 2013, 8:54pm

I am a junior, and I currently have an unpaid writing volunteer gig, plus I write for my school newspaper. I am looking at summer internships right now, but must of the deadlines for summer internships aren’t until March or later. In fact, many organizations haven’t posted summer internships yet. (I live in a large city on the East Coast where the vast majority of internships are unpaid if that helps.)

You are absolutely correct about financial self-sufficiency, but how do I get there? I guess figuring that out is part of being an adult.

Also, thank you to the first poster!

Sent from my SGH-T999 using CC

paperplane · February 13, 2013, 8:54pm

intparent is offering good advice. Perhaps one way to ease things with you father would be to initiate contact on a regular basis–begin writing him weekly emails that fill him in on what you’ve been up to, in a chatty way. Maybe then he’d feel more connected and relax some. It sounds like much of the communication you have with him is either defensive (him grilling you on expenditures) or through your mom. His grilling you could be what he feels is his way of protecting you–if you show him you are making good decisions (feel free to brag slightly in your notes about things that have gone well, in class, etc).

Try sending HIM notes via email or mail once a week and it might help. Just a thought.

And–I would look for a part-time job. Earning more of your own money is good and you might need a ‘side job’ or to supplement a low-paying starting job. Or until you can GET a low-paying professional job. Make yourself as independent as you can.

travelnut · February 13, 2013, 8:56pm

Tamasha- your post is very thoughtful and thought provoking. My kids are older and hindsight lets me know what a transition these years are for both parties. Some families can do things a bit differently and reap the benefits, while others have too wide a gap to close. If that is the case, the incentive for achieving fiscal independence quickly is heightened. As others have said, that is the best way out of helicoptering.

If it is worthwhile to see some bridges can be built, here are my ideas. You have identified a “vicious” circle. You are asserting your independence as a young adult, your parent/s wouldn’t do everything the way you do and they get anxious and at times critical. You pull back, avoid calls and parents’ imaginations work over-time and feelings get hurt. Interrupting this cycle may serve you well. Try to make an effort to call your folks when you have time to chat. You are trying to demonstrate that while you are an adult, you still want a connection. This will take time and some issues sound like they are bigger than your experience with your family and growing pains. If you fortify the workable connections, you will see if it is possible to diminish the problem areas.

It is tough to feel that a relationship is all about control, but it may also be about a personal style as Kajon suggests. Some people use finances to stay connected and though it can be trying, it is actually meant as a way of helping their kids to acquire life skills and know when to be grateful, not guilt-tripped. Your family has subsidized your choices, even if there was some ambivalence there.

You are trying to be pragmatic and seeking ways to move forward. Can’t assume that all of the big issues will go away, but maybe things can improve. Keep us posted and best with all your plans. Cross posted with paperplane.

paperplane · February 13, 2013, 8:56pm

PS therapy is a great idea. A therapist can help you sort things out, especially when they seem a bit overwhelming. You’re on the right track!

GMTplus7 · February 13, 2013, 9:04pm

@Tamasha,
You say u are an “adult” and that you spent YOUR OWN money on this vacation w your boyfriend. From what I read, you have a sense of entitlement that your parents money should be spent on your education and upkeep, while your money should be yours to spend on your own pleasure.

Why are you not using your earnings to defray the cost of your education like other kids do? If I were your parents, I would be incredibly pi$$ed off, too.

GMTplus7 · February 13, 2013, 9:08pm

@Tamasha,
You say u are an “adult” and that you spent YOUR OWN money on this vacation w your boyfriend. From what I read, you have a sense of entitlement that your parents money should be spent on your education and upkeep, while your money should be yours to spend on your own pleasure.

Why are you not using your earnings to defray the cost of your education like other students do? If I were your parents, I would be incredibly pi$$ed off, too.

If you want your parents to treat you like an adult, then start acting like one and take some financial responsibilty for your life.

floridadad55 · February 13, 2013, 9:20pm

As a parent, I say that you must do what is good for you.

When I was a law student, the time came to study for the Bar.

It just so happens that my college roomate got a job in Buenos Aires.

He invited me to hang out with him down there.

He said I could crash in his apartment, and study for the bar down there as well as in New York City.

When I told my mother of these plans, she hit the roof. She told me that she had my old room back home all ready for me, as my study place. And was looking forward to me being back home.

I gave in to her.

Bad mistake.

My advice to you would be to take your parents phone calls, be pleasant, but not to let them upset you. Listen to them, humor them, but in the end, do what you want.

Just don’t get angry with them or fight with them. Always stay calm, and pleasant. Instead of saying “no”, try saying, “I can understand your point of view, and at first, I was thinking the same way, but in the end, I decided to go in a different direction”.

The fact that your parents have driven you into therapy is evidence enough that they are being overbearing. And that comes from an overbearing parent myself.

I think you have a duty to your parents to work hard in school. But the fact they support you financially does not give them the right to dictate every little thing you do.

That being said, perhaps you can bite the bullet, and give in to their wishes once in a while.

Especially if it is really not a critical issue.

tamasha · February 13, 2013, 9:25pm

Hi Gmtplus:
Thanks for the response. The reason that I am using this money for a vacation is because my parents insisted that I keep the money for myself. When I told them not to worry about Cuba, for example, that I would cover my own expenses, they told me that they would pay for it and that I shouldn’t worry about money. I probably should have explained that better. I do agree with you that I should be helping, but every time I try, I get shot down.

Sent from my SGH-T999 using CC

tamasha · February 13, 2013, 9:28pm

Thank you everyone for your sound advice! Also, thank you all for helping me understand the parental side of things.

I think another big part of our issues stem from the typical first-generation/second-gen immigrant divide.

In the culture that my family comes from, parents traditionally support their daughters in every way until they are married, and children are very close/obedient to their parents.

I have given up trying to bridge the cultural divide even though I have tried for years and I honestly tell my parents that they chose to come to the US, have me and raise me here, and tough luck if they can’t get over the fact that I’m dating (let alone outside my race), if I want to travel or become financially independent before I marry, etc. Am I being too harsh?
I agree with the people who are telling me to help with college expenses, but every time I try, my parents refuse the money.

Sent from my SGH-T999 using CC

calmom · February 13, 2013, 9:31pm

Get a part time job, open your own checking account at a different bank, but don’t try to “close out” the account shared with your dad. Just stop using it as much as possible.

You say you use your “own money” for various expenses… where did you get that money?

Any recent college grad should be able to support themselves and live independently if they want and if they are willing to live an inexpensive lifestyle. (For example, live in a shared apartment or house with roommates, rather than your own apartment. ). That doesn’t mean that you will have a job in your major field – but you should be able to find some job. The best thing you can do to improve your prospects is to get work experience now. Not just an internship – paid work experience that you can put on a resume.

You wrote:

You start by getting a paying job. There is no way around that. The process of applying to and getting jobs is a learning experience in itself. One job will lead to another, and you may have to start with a job that is pretty far down the ladder of things you are interested in or want to be doing… but that’s the way it works.

It’s not an all-or-nothing situation. You have the power to start to transition, with a part-time job now, some sort of summer employment, a part-time job next year.

Also, look into what services are offered by your college’s career center. My daughter felt that the workshops & mentoring provided by her college career center was the most valuable thing she got in 4 years of college. She attended a very academically strong college and feels that overall the quality of her education was extremely strong – but the career center gave her the tools to turn all of that into a livelihood.

ignatius · February 13, 2013, 9:59pm

I have a daughter who also worries about job prospects after college. She deposited money from her paid internship into a savings account earning a low amount of interest. She would have thought twice and then thought twice again before using it for a Spring Break trip to Puerto Rico (airfare, hotel, meals add up). She is the most fiscally responsible of my children and has accumulated a nice transition from college to work fund. I’m not saying you shouldn’t have gone on a Spring Break trip but since you’re trying to figure out financial self-sufficiency, I thought it’d be worth a mention.

oldfort · February 13, 2013, 10:06pm

Our 24 year old self supporting daughter still has her checking acct we opened for her. She gets the same checking privilege as us, which she wouldn’t get with a regular checking acct. She opened a credit card in her name to put all of her charges to, which we wouldn’t have access to, and she also opened a savings acct to transfer excess money to. She did all of that to have some privacy and we perfectly understand. As long as she is self supporting, she is entitled to her privacy and we are not going to ask how she spends her money.

OP - If you want to have some privacy, I would suggest for you to figure out a way to get a job after graduation. As long as you are dependent on your parents for financial support, you are going to have to answer to them. I think it should be a great incentive for you.

I was in your shoes 30+ years ago. My sense is that whatever advice you get here is really not going to be that applicable. There will be a lot of tug and pull between you and your father before both of your are comfortable with your relationship, and the first step will be financial independence. I worked 20+ hours a week when I was in college so I wouldn’t have to ask my father for any spending money. I moved out of the house as soon as I graduated (got a job that wasn’t commutable from my parents’ house).

intparent · February 13, 2013, 10:14pm

My D interned every summer in college. She was internship hunting starting in November, hit it very hard over winter break, and had her internship sewn up by the end of February for every summer. Most of them were in a “large East Coast city”. Some were paid, a couple were unpaid. She used money she earned during the school year to cover the “unpaid” expenses (I did not pay her expenses for those).

Her boyfriend did the same, and he was in a totally different field. Both of them typically sent in about 40-50 applications to land decent internships. Just saying… that is what it takes in today’s market. Both got good jobs when they graduated – she hustled more than he did and took a job a little outside her field because she was in a less employable major, but they both got it done before graduation.

I just hear a lot of college students complaining about how tough the job market is, but also know that they are not doing everything they can to position themselves to be one who gets a job. You seem like someone with incentive to get employed, so just saying that being really aggressive now can pay off later.

electronblue · February 13, 2013, 11:35pm

I’d suggest really looking at it from their point of view. They are supporting you financially. That doesn’t mean they get to rule your life but they are investing in your growth and well-being and they would still like to help shape that. Perhaps their cultural or religious background struggles with things like premarital sex. Would you expect them to be happy you are going to a romantic location with just your boyfriend?
I haven’t read anything hateful here, aside from the unfortunate discomfort with your boyfriend’s race. It’s tough for some parents to let go, put up with them as best you can and then let it motivate you to seek true financial independence.

MommaJ · February 14, 2013, 12:56am

I’m really not hearing the helicopter rotors too loudly here. I think many parents would be somewhat perturbed at a college age daughter going off on vacation with her boyfriend, and all yours did was express their feelings. They could have stopped you in your tracks by threatening to withhold tuition payments–but in the end you did exactly what you wanted with no repercussions. As for your father’s insistence on monitoring your expenditures, it’s annoying, but can be managed by taking cash advances and, of course, by working for your own money, regardless of whether your parents like the idea. Your financial dependency is entirely your choice. The selection of a study abroad program is a big decision, and as a parent financing the semester I would expect to have some input on that (and would certainly object to my kid supporting a repressive regime by spending time and money in Cuba). But again, you ended up doing exactly what you wanted to do with no repercussions. So all in all, tamasha, your issues with your father are quite manageable. The money keeps flowing, you get your own way each time–if some heated discussions are the price you have to pay for all that freedom, I think you have little to complain about.

Help! I have helicopter parents!

CONNECT WITH US