Help!!!!!!!!!! I want to go to Penn, but I need Essay Help!!!!!!!

<p>Here is one of my essays. Is there any good parts or should I dispose of the entire essay.</p>

<p>Abraham Lincoln once said, “I do not think much of a man who is not wiser today than he was yesterday.” This is a quote that has been instilled in me at an early age. Through the duration of middle school, I received straight A’s and many highly selective awards. Toward the end of eighth grade, I was faced with a great opportunity that eventually would change my life. My counselor recommended me for an enhanced summer program called Cranbrook Horizon’s Upward Bound. This program was designed specifically for students that yearned to be intellectually stimulated. This program was to be attended throughout one’s high school career with the expectation that he/she would attend during both summer and winter phases of the program. This is a preparatory program that is geared towards inner-city students to help them with their forthcoming years. That year, I was one out of 80 students selected to enroll in the program. This was a great accomplishment considering the program selected 79 others and me out of a pool of over 300 students. The competition did not end there; the 80 freshmen then went on to compete for various accolades that are given out. I spent my summer working hard and managed to receive the award for the best overall student in each of my seven courses. The following summer three others and I were chosen out of the 250 students in the program to attend Cranbrook on a full time year-around basis. Cranbrook is a nationally recognized school for its academic excellence and prestige; the tuition is approximately $30,000 per year. All of my expenses were covered through this scholarship. My prospective of society and my role in society has changed throughout my Cranbrook experience. My views on life completely evolved and I got an opportunity to see first hand what a different society looked like. I was no longer insular and I learned how to appreciate the many different ethnicities of this world. Along with an ethnic diversity, there is also a socio-economic diversity that is different than most schools. In addition, Cranbrook has helped me evolve intellectually; moreover, my perspective on life itself has become more cerebral. My first high school, Cass Technical High School in Detroit is a great public institution; however, the ratio of students that were concerned with their own academic progress at Cranbrook was astronomically greater than those at Cass. The teachers were extremely helpful, dedicated, knowledgeable of their subject area, and most all, happy to be at Cranbrook. In the summer of 2004, I was accepted to LEAD, a national partnership of business and academia that encourages the best and brightest high school students to further pursue degrees in business. 3000 students applied, but only 330 were accepted. During my three-week stay at UNC, we took a multi-faceted curriculum that covered the majority aspects of business. UNC’s professors taught our classes and we visited three major companies. I gained a valuable insight on business and hope to further pursue my degree at <strong><em>. I have begun networking with other students from other states, as well as professors and guest speakers. Discovering and choosing a university that fulfills all of my needs was a rigorous yet exciting task. _</em></strong> clearly emerged as the best choice for me and I, as a great match for the university. After visiting the campus, reading the information pamphlets, and researching the university Web site, I realize that _________ business school is one of the best in the country. In return, I will contribute to the university as a person with leadership qualities who takes initiative and enjoys participating in school events. As founder of the Big Brother Program at school, I’ve had the privilege and extraordinary task of guiding middle school students based on my previous knowledge and experience. Having seen both aspects of education, my appreciation for diversity, culture, and educational excellence has encouraged me to become a leader of tomorrow.</p>

<p>i took a quick read through it, i have to say that it reads really smoothly, you did a good job not bogging it down with unecessary details or big words. I assume you are interested in wharton. good luck
are you applying ED?</p>

<p>its boring.....sorry, im just being honest.....make it INTERESTING...creativity is not a necessity, but showing part of your personality instead of your accolades (which should be in your activity list) is mandatory.....make it more personal, cuz honestly, at least 1000 students could write that same essay (minus the stuff abt ur shcool or w/e)....almost every1 thats competiting for top college admission has very similar experiences to yours....show something of YOU that no1 else can possibly have</p>

<p>You should dispose of this essay. You do almost everything that experts say not to do. T</p>

<p>knightmare is right...btw marvis, im not trying to be mean, im just trying to help....i dont want you to turn in a crappy essay....but sorry if i come off sounding mean</p>

<p>what is he doing that experts say not to do?</p>

<p>Marvis, here's my advice. Get rid of this essay. I hope you're not too attached to this essay because it really does nothing for you. You start out with promise...I like the Abe Lincoln quote. But all your essay really is, is an extended extra-curricular resume. Tell a story. Be creative. Do something. Don't talk about how great you are. Colleges want to see what kind of person you are and all they'll get from this is that you didn't challenge yourself on the essay. You mentioned something about an inner-city program in your essay. Are you from an inner-city? Are you a minority? Those would provide for far better essays. Write about something important to you...something you value...an experience that changed your life. This is just my opinion...it might all be for naught if your grades and scores are good enough to merit acceptance on their own. Good luck.</p>

<p>marvis, what more can I add to the many great advices already posted here?</p>

<p>This essay sucks, I know you can right much better than this shjt.</p>

<p>First of all, lose all the "me is good straight-A student with the biggest ego in Penn" stuff. While this is the exact thing you want to IMPLY, notice the word IMPLY, you should write it in a way that leave the Penn admission scratching their head, wondering why your essay just sound so damn c0cky (wtf they blocked out c0cky, c0cky is not a bad word mr.admin) without seeing a word of arrogance on the paper.</p>

<p>And please don't send in a list-essay, it is boring and it makes people want to bang something hard on their head. Try to focus on one event that happened in your life. From the sound of it, you don't seem to be the kind of 1600's who reads the American Dictionary for fun; so write something interesting.</p>

<p>THIS WAS AN OLD ESSAY I HAD THAT I WANTED TO SEE WHAT KINDA COMMENTS IT WOULD GET. I AGREE WITH YOU ALL, ITS A GREAT ESSAY BUT 1000 PEOPLE COULD TURN IT IN, SO I TURNED TO ANOTHER ESSAY THAT TELLS WHO I AM. I WOULD POST IT, BUT I AM SCARED SOMEONE ELSE WOULD STEAL MY IDEAS.
IF YOU WANT TO READ IT, PLEASE POST ME A NOTE AND I'LL SEND IT DIRECTLY TO YOU. THANKS SO MUCH FOR THE CONSTRUCTIVE CRITICISM ,</p>

<p>Marvis</p>

<p>The question is in the title, I want someone to read my other essay and rate it.</p>

<p>hahah err i'll evaluate it email me <a href="mailto:booboocat@walla.com">booboocat@walla.com</a>. and try sending it early than monday, probabyl saturday, just in case</p>

<p>yeh whats up i can evaluate it... <a href="mailto:twodollabeer@yahoo.com">twodollabeer@yahoo.com</a></p>

<p>Sent my app in today...wharton...lets pray...</p>