help me convince my mom about a roommate

Parent Cafe
1

<p>Hi parents. I’m hoping that you can help me with a problem.</p>

<p>I’m a senior in HS and I have known a girl for almost 4 years and since we are going into the same major at the same school, she asked me if I wanted to be her roommate. I agreed and we requested each other as roommates on the housing application. Since then, I have got to know her better and I’m really nervous about being her roommate now.</p>

<p>Here’s some reason why I don’t want to room with her:
-she will keep me from meeting new people. She is very clingy and doesn’t get along well with any of my friends
-she isn’t very smart. I have to pretty much tell her how to do the easiest things and then she still doesn’t understand. The only reason why she got good grades in HS is because she studied every moment she had. She has zero common sense
-all she does is study and she never wants to do anything fun
-she has told me that no guys are allowed near our dorm room. If a guy comes to say hey or just hang out, I should have the right to do that (I wouldn’t do anything sexual)
-she told me that if I call her drunk, she will refuse to pick me up and she will not allow me into the dorm room
-she goes to bed at 9pm every night and wakes up at 7am every morning. I like to stay up later and wake up later on weekends.
-her parents are not allowing her to take a car. I will have to constantly drive her around and I would NEVER let her drive my car
-One time, she thought she got a “B” in a class. She literally flipped out and acted like it was the end of the world and that now she would have no chance of being anything in life. Her dad said that if she gets a “B” he will pull her out of college (more stress for me to teach her)
-With how much help she requires, I will have a very hard time getting time to do my own work (she doesn’t understand that I have to take care of my own work)
-she is very immature and sheltered and doesn’t know many things about sex, drugs, relationships, or anything like that.
-I am a tad bit OC about being clean and organized. She is a slob and watching her eat literally makes me feel sick. She has food trash all over her room.
-her mom wants a key to our room so that she can drop off food and things like that. I don’t want her mom to be able to walk into the room at anytime and I really don’t feel comfortable knowing she could be unattended in our room and go thru all my stuff (she’s known for throwing away everything). My friend doesn’t understand why I don’t want her having a key
-she is stingy. She never offers to pay for gas or anything that we share. I just want her to offer to pay for our 100 mile trips every other weekend. She always makes comments on how expensive my things are and that makes me very uncomfortable
-she is very self-centered and doesn’t even try to be considerate of me. She also makes rude comments to me all the time and doesn’t even realize it
-she uses my things without asking and doesn’t seem to care if it bothers me. She also looks thru my things (notebooks, purse) in the progress and it really bothers me because I just really don’t like people going through my personal things
-just talking to her for more than 10 minutes makes me have a great amount of anxiety</p>

<p>If I actually tried to tell my friend that I don’t want to be her roommate, she would flip out and never talk to me again. I know that rooming with her will ruin our friendship. She doesn’t comprehend that we can still hang out and visit each other without sharing a room.</p>

<p>I’ve told my mom all these things and she doesn’t seem to care. I think that the reason why is because she wants to make sure I do my studying and stay away from bad things. If I am her roommate, I will be so stressed that I probably will not be able to study and I will end up resorting to bad things. My mom thinks that if I room with a stranger, that they will steal all my things (I don’t plan on taking expensive items) and that I won’t get along with them either. I think it would be easier to make rules with a stranger and get away from them when I need privacy.</p>

<p>How can I convince my mom that I cannot be her roommate?</p>

2

<p>I agree that it’s often easier to live with a stranger than with an acquaintance. Strangers come into the situation expecting to compromise, set rules/guidelines for the room, and figure out how to live together. Often friends or acquaintances who decide to live together don’t feel they need to compromise or set rules because they expect that they will be able to live together and get along fine.</p>

<p>Anyway, you should tell this girl that you’ve decided that you’d like to be matched with a random roommate because you feel it will widen your social circle on campus and allow you to get to know a wider variety of people (or something like that). She’ll probably get angry, but you’re going to have to deal with it sooner or later, and I think it’s better to tell her now so that she can change her housing plans.</p>

<p>Tell your mom that this is your decision, you’ve weighed the pros and cons, and you’re prepared to deal with the consequences. You would rather take the chance on a good or bad roommate than enter into a situation where you are sure you will have a bad roommate. The concern about theft is a little ridiculous… If your roommate steals something, where’s she going to put it!? It would also be pretty obvious that your roommate’s stealing from you if things go missing, and you would definitely be able to get a new roommate. </p>

<p>In the end, this is your decision. You are the one who is going to have to live with your roommate for nine months. Make the decision that you feel is best.</p>

3

<p>So…why don’t you handle this with the roommate? It’s going to hurt in any case, but better now than later. If you come to understanding that you won’t room with her, the issue isn’t left up to your mother.</p>

4

<p>I’m not sure you have to convince your mother of anything. Perhaps just contact the housing office directly by email with your many complaints and retract your wish to room with this person. Ask that they handle it confidentially to preserve the other girl’s feelings. Perhaps she’ll conclude the original request just was not honored by the college.</p>

<p>Then work on your own issues. By that I mean, figure out why you envision yourself so drunk you have to call a roommate to pick you up; why it bothers you that someone else is hardworking, etc. This will help you be more flexible as a roommate to a stranger. </p>

<p>Sounds like you both need different roommates and it’d be a blessing to each try to carve out a new relationship. You can still be her friend, but it doesn’t sound like a very compatible beginning to negotiate dorming together.</p>

<p>It’s interesting about her intention to give her mom a key. I wouldn’t like that either, and wonder if colleges have rules against making key copies…for anyone, moms included!</p>

5

<p>Without reading past the 4th line of your OP, I already had formulated a response, which didn’t change after I finished reading.</p>

<p>Time and time again, I highly recommend not rooming with someone from your own hometown/school. Especially with girls, it hardly ever works out well. I’ve known a couple of boys for whom it worked (my husband was one), but for the most part, they end up hating each other by the end of the first semester.</p>

<p>I agree that you don’t have to tell your mom anything… make the call yourself and let them assume the school didn’t honor the request. Remember, even if you do change roommates, you may end up with someone who has many of the same traits as your high school friend, and you need to be prepared to negotiate.</p>

<p>If you are both going to study the same major, the whole situation just isn’t healthy. You need the opportunity to meet other people and expand your social network.</p>

6

<p>OKgirl - I’m not a parent, but as a peer, here’s my .02</p>

<p>I agree that this is not something you have to convince your mom about. It’s something you have to handle.</p>

<p>My first reaction was to tell you to find the courage to just tell the girl, nicely but firmly, that you changed your mind. There are plenty of reasons on your list that indicate the two of you would be incompatible as roommates. You could use some of them to explain your *decision<a href=“like%20the%20differences%20in%20sleeping%20preferences,%20privacy%20and%20housekeeping”>/i</a> and skip the personal stuff & the nitty gritty details to avoid hurting feelings.</p>

<p>But after reading about the suggestion to contact the housing office, I think that might be the way to go solve your problem without anymore stress. Hope you get it worked out!</p>

7

<p>The “no guy” rule is ■■■■■■■■, just go potluck.</p>

8

<p>you contact the housing office and say for personal reason and no reflection on the girl, you want to not room with her becuase you realize you really want to room with someone new…and you should tell the girl that after thinking about it, you think its best you both have roommates that are new, that way you can both meet new people…but if that is just too awkward, well you can just blame the housing office, but it would be beter if you were honest and you changed your mind…its still really early, so do it sooner than later</p>

9

<p>I agree with all of the above. You sound perfectly normal to me. Contact housing ASAP and remove your request to room with her. You don’t even need to tell her. You can just act perplexed when housing doesn’t put you together in the same room (most schools require you both make the same request). If she raises a stink and tries to change the assignment let her know you have decided you are OK with the new arrangements.</p>

10

<p>I agree it is your choice and you should contact the school yourself. As a Mom myself there is no way I would insist my child room with someone. The difference in sleeping patterns alone can be a cause of enormous stress. My daughter is a night owl and she roomed in her high school (a res math/sci school) with an early bird. They really got on each others nerves and ended up switching. My daughter would have to study by flashlight and the roommate would be up at the crack of dawn trying to get stuff done in the dark. </p>

<p>It is highly unlikely the school would allow her Mom a key to the room. At my daughters school she has a key card to get into her dorm building, the floor of her dorm and her room. Any guests are supposed to be escorted at all times and when we have been to the dorm she is supposed to make sure we are out and the door closed behind us. We cannot get into the building let alone her room without her and her coded key card.</p>

11

<p>Point-by-point suggestions (assuming that you do end up rooming with this classmate):</p>

<p>–She can’t keep you from meeting new people (which you should do on your own, as should she). If she doesn’t like your new friends, too bad; you might not like her new friends, either.
–A lack of common sense doesn’t mean that she’s unintelligent (and she is to be commended for studying hard to earn good grades). Regardless, you don’t “have” to tell her how to do anything.
–It’s her right to study as much as she wants. It might seem to you that she “never wants to do anything fun,” but that might be because her idea of “fun” is different from yours. You are not obligated to include her in your free-time activities, and you are not obligated to share hers.
–If the dorm (or dorm floor) is female only, then she might have the right to prohibit male visitors. If the entire dorm and/or the dorm floor is mixed-gender, then she probably cannot restrict visiting male dormmates/floormates. (Check university housing rules.)
–She is not obligated to pick you up anytime–drunk or sober–but it’s unlikely that she has the right to prevent you from entering your own dorm room, even if you’re drunk. (Check university housing rules.)
–You and she have the right to sleep when you choose. You must be quiet while she is sleeping, and she must be quiet while you are sleeping. Be firm about this.
–Her parents have the right to restrict her car use. You are not obligated to drive her anywhere, and you are not obligated to allow her to borrow your car for any reason.
–Her grades are her own business. You are not obligated to teach her anything.
–You are not obligated to help her with her work. Do not help her with her work.
–She has the right not to have sex, use drugs, have “relationships,” or do “anything like that.”
–Divide the room into “your” half and “her” half, and insist that she keep her trash on her side of the room. If you find her trash on your side, move it to her side. Don’t clean up after her, and don’t do her laundry for her; that’s her job. If her half of the room becomes grossly unsanitary, have the dorm RA/RD inspect the room. You are not obligated to eat meals with her.<br>
–Speak to your parents about this. They might also object to someone else’s mother having keyed access to their daughter’s dorm room. Regardless, university housing restricts keyed room access to authorized persons only, and I doubt the school would consider a parent to be an authorized person. (Check university housing rules.) If you discover that her mother has an unauthorized key to your room, report this to your RA/RD and dorm security immediately.
–Speak to your parents about this. If the car you’re driving belongs to them, then it’s up to them to work out an expense-sharing arrangement with her parents. If the car belongs to you, don’t wait for her to “offer” to share costs; demand reimbursement. If she refuses to pay (and don’t let her guilt-trip you into thinking that she can’t afford to pay), then refuse to drive her. Either way, you have the right to refuse to accept her as your passenger anytime, whether or not she pays or offers to pay. By the way, whose idea is it to take a 100 mile trip every other weekend? If it’s her idea, tell her that she might be able to ride with you (if she shares expenses) whenever you decide to make the trip, but otherwise, she’ll have to make other transportation arrangements. You are not obligated to be her every-other-weekend, long-distance chauffer.
–Her self-centeredness is her business, but you must insist that she treat you with appropriate consideration. If her rude comments are genuinely unintentional, then shrug them off.
–Forbid her to look through, use, take, or discard anything of yours. Be firm about this. Keep your most personal and/or valuable belongings well-hidden, and preferably locked up. If you catch her snooping through or “borrowing” your belongings, report her to your dorm RA/RD.
–Speak to your parents about this. If you and she are so incompatible that you can’t stand talking to her for more than ten minutes, then you and she should not room together. Period.</p>

<p>You refer to this classmate as your “friend,” but it comes through loud and clear to me that you dislike this woman. So, corranged’s suggestion is a good one. However, I suggest that you contact university housing first, and request new roommate arrangements. If university housing agrees to new arrangements, and after the new arrangements are confirmed, then tell your classmate that you have made other roommate arrangements. If she gets angry and decides to end the “friendship,” that’s her business. It sounds like both of you are better off apart, anyway.</p>

<p>As for breaking the news (about confirmed new roommate arrangements) to your parents, I suggest that you be honest. Their concerns about you are reasonable. Promise your parents that you aren’t going to “go wild” at school, and then earn their trust by keeping your promise.</p>

<p>Best Wishes.</p>

12

<p>I’m a big fan of what several others have already posted: contact your university’s housing office, request to change your request to room with this girl, and don’t tell her or your parents (assuming the university won’t just tell her itself - for example, in room draw here at Princeton, that would happen). When you get assigned different rooms, act perplexed but resigned to whatever happens. You get out blameless. ;)</p>

13

<p>Actually, you do need to get your mom (or dad, which would work just as well) on your side. </p>

<p>Then, what you do is call housing and withdraw your request for this roommate. Then you call your former prospective roommate and say “Gee, I made a terrible mistake. I told my mom (or dad) that I was planning to room with you and she (he) went ballistic. She (he) said that rooming with somebody you already know is a bad thing for college freshmen to do because we’re all supposed to meet new people and have new experiences, and she (he) said that I was hurting both you and me by asking for you as a roommate. She (he) insisted that I had to drop my request for you as a roommate and threatened not to pay for my housing if I didn’t. So I had to change my housing request. I’m really sorry, but I’m still glad that we’re going to be on the same campus. It will be nice to have somebody there that I know, even if we can’t room together.”</p>

<p>This is the “when all else fails, blame it on your parents” strategy. As a parent, I have let my kids use it lots of times so that they could say “my parents won’t let me” when what they really meant was “I don’t want to.” I mean, why not?</p>

14

<p>Marian - that is an excellent suggestion. I have told my kids to use that strategy as well - just blame it on me. I have to admit, they haven’t used it much, if at all - but at least they know it’s available as an excuse it they need an out.</p>

15

<p>Some schools will let you request hallmates. This would be a way to have a familiar face nearby, but not as a constant. It would make the friend feel better and you feel less guilty. Why don’t you ask the housing office if they honor such requests?</p>

16

<p>Ditto with calling the housing office. I bet if you explained that your mom kind of forced this on you (believe me, they understand helicopter parents,) they will respect your wishes! I like the idea of maybe requesting this girl be on your hall or in your dorm, but not in your room. The student should be the one to make the call and do take to the head of housing, not the student that answers the phone.</p>

<p>My daughter’s LAC does not even allow freshmen to pick roommates and they make of point of saying you can not room with someone you know first year.</p>

17

<p>I suggest that you start by being honest and acting like a grownup. Do not blame anything on your parents, the housing office, or any other adult entity.</p>

<p>Call the housing office and request a change ASAP. If you need to give them a reason, tell them that upon consideration you have realized that you and this girl do not have compatible lifestyles, and that you think it is better not to room with someone you already know freshman year. (I’m sure they will agree.) As soon as you know whether they will honor the request, inform your parents. It’s okay to wait for them to inform your classmate, but if it takes a while and it is obvious that she is making plans based on the assumption that you will room together, the honorable thing would be to tell her that you have reconsidered and requested a new room mate, and that the school has indicated they will switch you. There is no need to hurt her feelings by going into great detail about why. Simply say that you think it is better not to room with someone you already know freshman year. If pressed, say that the difference in your living styles concerns you. Stick to the hours thing, and don’t make inflammatory statements about housekeeping, going through your stuff, etc. </p>

<p>Lastly, your mom’s fear that a roommate will steal your things is almost as bizarre as the other girl’s intention to give her mom a key (NO WAY should either of you give a third party a key!). Are YOU going to steal your roommate’s stuff? If you aren’t a thief, why assume your roommate would be? If you go into the roommate relationship with the attitude that you are correct in all matters and the roommate is not, it is going to be doomed, no matter who you room with. Try assuming good intentions.</p>

18

<p>I think Consolation hit all the major points, but there is one point I disagree with. I think you should inform your classmate as soon as the housing office agrees to your request (ask for a confirmation e-mail). This would give her the best chance to find a compatible roommate through the housing survey or on facebook or other such social networks.
You can inform your parents at any time. Let them know the steps the school takes to match roommates and why you feel you wish to try the school’s recommended approach .
Be sure to be honest when filling out any housing survey. Best of luck.</p>

19

<p>I actually know someone who was in this exact situation and tried the “calling the housing office and acting perplexed later strategy.” At this school, the only reason such a request would not be honored is if one of the parties changed their minds. The other girl found out from housing office that this was the case and WWIII ensued. I really don’t like the idea, though. Just as mominva says, it leaves your friend high and dry - she might be more upset at losing the opportunity to try to find another compatible roommate in the meantime ( orientation, networking with friends, Facebook). I know at S’s school going in with a roommate increased the chance that both of them would get the housing request they wanted. </p>

<p>If it were me I think I would just be upfront about the basic incompatibility issues. Seems that this girl is the one who dictated terms to you. If you approached her to say that you’ve been thinking and realize that you are concerned about these compatibilty issues I think she may be the one having the second thoughts about rooming with you! I’m also not so crazy about the idea of blaming your mother, tempting though it is to make this about someone or something else. I think there’s a better than even chance your friend would not believe that and suspect that it’s contrived. You really do have some basic incompatibilties - it shouldn’t be more complicated than that to address, IMO. Of course, you should be as tactful and caring as possible if you have a conversation like that and make it clear that it’s because you value and want to keep the friendship that you are having it. The hallmate suggestion, if it would be honored, is a great idea for a compromise solution.</p>

20

<p>I really don’t see any reason to lie. Just tell the girl that it’s become clear to you that you wouldn’t be compatible roommates and let the housing office know that you don’t want to room with her any more. I’d tell your mother the same thing, emphasizing different sleep schedules rather than stuff like the boyfriend issue.</p>