<p>My 18yo freshman daughter had her boyfriend of 6 months (her first boyfriend) break up with her this morning. He lives here in our hometown (he is 22 and graduated from a 2yr tech program but does not know what he wants to do with his life) and she is in school in a city about 50 minutes from home.
She is devastated as just 4 days ago he told her she was “the love of his life.”
Since this is a first for both us (meaning my trying to help her thru a breakup) I could sure use some advise. Thanks</p>
<p>Oh, I’m sorry for your daughter. Breakups are always so hard.</p>
<p>It’s difficult to know what to say - the cliches are true: if it’s meant to be, it will be; there are lots of fish in the sea; time heals. But none of these things are so comforting in the moment.</p>
<p>I guess sometimes it’s good just to be a listener, since nothing you say is going to fix this. </p>
<p>Maybe since your daughter isn’t too far away you coukld arrange to do something fun together this weekend. It’s good to stay busy I think.</p>
<p>Don’t minimize the pain of now-tell her you understand that and she will have to go through it-but going through means she will emerge at the other end and eventuallly the guy who was once “my boyfriend” will become “my first boyfriend.” It is good that she is away from home at college–at 18 she really does have a whole wonderful life ahead of her. Tell her to try not to get thrown off her academic path by this–it’s OK to lose herself in her studies for a while and then new social possibilities are sure to arise. Freedom to look around and meet new men–and being a little sadder and wiser–these are not necessarily negative experiences. She can also learn that a woman doesn’t have to have a relationship with a man at all times–she can find other pleasures that enrich her life.</p>
<p>Don’t say anything too negative about the boy. They may end up getting back together:
In my experience, break ups that are out of the blue often don’t stick more than a day or two. Of course, I don’t know the situation, but it sounds as if something else is going on here.</p>
<p>As you know, though, there’s not very much you can say or do. Encourage her to talk to her friends and spend some down time with them. Maybe go up for a visit next week if she’s still having a very hard time.</p>
<p>The rule of freshman life is that most hometown relationships break up by Thanksgiving. She’ll probably find other freshman in her dorm going through the same thing. I agree with the advice above, though, that there may be a few more bumps before it’s really over.</p>
<p>" Oh honey, I know how it hurts. I know how close you both were. I wish I was there to hug you, to watch a show with you, to make you hot chocolate. You probably want to curl up in bed and cry. That’s okay. Try and hang out with some girlfriends, they can really make you feel better."</p>
<p>Would driving to her city and going out to a movie/dinner do any good?</p>
<p>Ask her what she really liked about him. I’m currently going through a break up as well (she broke up with me), and I realized about three days ago that I liked the idea of a girlfriend (by that I mean someone to spend time with, the physical portions of the relationship, etc) than I actually liked my girlfriend. And I realized that several of my other relationships suffered from the same thing. Those things that I’m missing the most are things that most any girl who liked me could provide. And the things my ex did that I liked, are pretty much overshadowed by the things she did or didn’t do that I didn’t like. </p>
<p>Being able to separate the wheat from the chaff, so to speak, is an important skill, one that I think is often overlooked because the stuff that near “anyone” can provide is still important stuff, still things people miss.</p>
<p>Hugs to you…it is very difficult to witness their pain. We have all been there and done that and survived, and she will, too. She will be very glad when she moves on to something and someone else, that she did not miss that opportunity. It sounds like he could sense that she will be moving past him, and he wanted to protect himself. He may have preferred a girlfriend who is easier to hang out with, lives close by, or has housing close by without parents. There is a bit of an age difference, too. Regardless, it hurts, and all you can do is be supportive and understanding, and distract her as best you can. Good luck. Lorelei</p>
<p>My first girlfriend dumped me a mere 20 days into our relationship. I know it doesn’t sound like long, but I was a very sensitive kid, and I was devastated. (The utter gracelessness pf her method of breaking up with me had a lot to do with my reaction.) I mooned after her for another nine months, until I got together with my second girlfriend, whom from the summer before college until a year after.</p>
<p>I was terrified about how I might react if that relationship ended. As it was, it was the sweetest breakup I could imagine. We had a New Year’s Eve conversation about what we would want to do with our lives if the other person wasn’t in the picture. Our dreams couldn’t have been more different. Each of us had concluded in our own way that we were ready to move on, and it was such a relief when we finally admitted that to each other. Then all the tension went out of the relationship, and we moved on as dear friends.</p>
<p>I’d try talking to her, not just mother to daughter, but also as one adult to another. If you went through something similar yourself at that age, this would be a good time to mention it. Tell her that this is one is of the hardest things about becoming an adult, but that it will hurt less with time. “This too shall pass.” Tell her that most of us need some experience of love before we really figure who is the right person for us. Let her know you love her, but give her the space to grieve. Tell her that it takes time to feel better, but that it’s not a process that happens all at once. Grief has a half life that varies from person to person.</p>
<p>What I really needed when it happened to me (at the beginning of a school day in which I fought tears minute by agonizing minute for hours) was to go to a friend’s house, and commiserate. </p>
<p>Best wishes.</p>
<p>There’s an oldie but goodie book, Men who can’t love: when a man’sfear makes him run from commitment, by steven carter. See if library has it. It may help your D recognize a pattern, in that this boy cannot commit to a career, let alone a girl/relationship. By admitting his ‘ove’, he may have felt trapped and then ran.</p>
<p>The book will help your D realize that she didn’t do anything wrong, but she may have been prepared to move forward and this boy isn’t.</p>
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<p>In addition to listening sympathetically to her, can you ask her if she wants to just go do something with you in the city? That’s different than her coming home, since he’s from your hometown. Maybe it would just be stimulating to go elsewhere for an afternoon together, just mother/daughter time. Shopping, museum, restaurant, spa or funny movie and a restaurant meal together. Just to reassure you she still has a life of her own. Ask her, though, don’t assume this is how she’d like to spend her time. </p>
<p>Put your arm around her or hold her hand, if that’s natural for you to do, because she probably misses being touched, too.</p>
<p>Or f she is home this weekend, set her up with a soothing hot bath, bath salts, upbeat music (like Beatles) no torch songs. </p>
<p>If she prefers to stay on campus, ask if she wants you to call her a bit more than usual, and let her know she can call you ANYTIME, even late at night. Most people have their worsts when they’re trying to fall asleep and it’s too late to call anyone else. My kids were always surprised when I told them if something’s really bad or troubling and they just NEED someone to talk to (from college) I don’t care if it’s 4 a.m., just call. </p>
<p>Mostly I just listen and affirm their feelings back like a mirror without making them any worse or trying to pretend it’s something other than it is (that sounds rough; it must be hard; how sad; awww…phrases like that). </p>
<p>Once I was impressed with this movie line of a dad consoling his son through a breakup; hugging him close and tousling the boy’s hair, the Dad said, “I wish I could tell you it gets easier, but it doesn’t; still, it’s worth it to have loved someone.” THat seemed both honest and uplifting to me.</p>
<p>Only time heals a broken heart. But in the meantime, try 1) distraction (an evening out, a weekend away, a shopping trip, visit to museum or broadway show) 2) volunteering and helping others truly in need and 3) and exercise or outdoor activities. Sitting around dwelling on the situation just makes it linger longer, although a “memorabilia burning” party with a good friend can also be healing.</p>
<p>A hundred years ago, wealthy people used to send their daughters on ocean cruises to get them over troubles with potential “suitors”.</p>
<p>AnyMom - the only thing that came to mind about those cruises was the Titanic so things can always get worse. </p>
<p>Jillie - you have some good advice, and it is true that all the cliches are true in this case, but no one wants to hear them. It may seem like every song she hears has a message for her, that everywhere she looks, happy couples will be in her line of sight, that no one has eyes like his, or a smile like his, etc. Or, she could have a new crush on someone next week. Either way, you are both so fortunate that she feels she can talk to you about it.</p>
<p>I think the best thing you can do for her right now is just listen. I know that I love it the most as a 17-year-old when my mom just takes the time to listen to me without judging or even speaking…just letting me get it all out.</p>
<p>Also, I think it’s best just to wallow sometimes. Stay in a comfy sweatshirt and sweats, don’t brush your hair or put on make-up, watch really good movies, eat crap, and just cry for a while. Crying has been proven to be a stress reliever, and this always helps me.</p>
<p>And if that doesn’t work, call up some of her girlfriends and ask them to plan a girls’ day out. Manicures, pedicures, shopping-whatever your D likes. Hope I was of a little help.</p>
<p>Have her download the Marvelettes " Too Many Fish in the Sea." Sing it loud-- especially the "I don’t want nobody who don’t want me " part. I’ve taught it to both of my girls.</p>
<p>My advice is to let your d know you are there for her, but then leave her alone and let her handle her sadness in her own way. When my d was in that situation last summer, she really didn’t want any extra attention from me - she preferred to talk things over with her friends during sleepovers or girls’ nights out. Although part of me was sad that she didn’t want me involved, I was glad that she had a great network of support to help her get through that difficult period.</p>
<p>Also, Corrange made an excellent point by suggesting that you do not speak negatively about d’s ex. She is so right in saying that there is a chance the couple will get back together - that is exactly what happened with my d and her bf. They were actually apart for well over a month before getting back together - but I am so grateful that I never said anything bad about the bf while they were split up. That could have made things awkward.</p>
<p>My advice is it is her breakup not yours. Stay out of it.</p>
<p>^I don’t think that’s the best advice.</p>
<p>If she comes to you, obviously she wants your help. I think it’s only when she stays away from you to just let her be.</p>
<p>Thank you all so much for your suggestions. I did drive her back to school on Sunday and we walked and talked and had dinner. She then called me Monday morning just sobbing and wanting me to come down so I drove back there and we again walked and talked alot. This morning she emailed my husband and I saying she was feeling overwhelmed and stressed out because of the breakup and basketball (she is a recruited athlete). Now she is saying she does not want to play ball…I am trying to help her not make a rash decision.
She is also going to be seeing the ex boyfriend this weekend as they already had made plans to visit his best friend (who is seeing her best friend) at his college. The town he goes to school in has “Pumpkin Fest” this weekend which is a big festival with lots of parties. My daughter is adamant that she is going because she is not going to allow the ex to change her plans. They will be staying at the same place…should be an interesting weekend.</p>
<p>I feel so badly for her. I wish she weren’t going to see him so soon, because I think she is going to be miserable. Is there a chance he may already be seeing someone else and have a date?</p>