Help me help my daughter over her first breakup

Parent Cafe
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<p>To be perfectly honest, Jilliebean, I can’t see the weekend visit being anything but detrimental to your daughter’s already distraught state of mind. It can’t come to any good to go somewhere and observe your freshly-spurned ex having a great time without you. Let us know how things go, OK? I hope it doesn’t work out poorly for her sake, but I’d be leery of opening up the cut so soon, and it hasn’t even scabbed over yet!</p>

<p>PS, I’d give the exact same advice to my son if he were in the same boat… don’t put yourself in the situation of being hurt or dredging up memories for a certain amount of time… let your heart heal a little first.</p>

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<p>It is not about the Ex changing her plans, it is about HER changing her own plans and life around things that doesn’t involve him, and taking control</p>

<p>she can go, but I would HIGHLY recommend she bring a girl friend along…so she ISN"T alone, or the 5th wheel or whatever</p>

<p>so her best friend is dating his best friend…in breakups, too often the spoils, Friends, goes to one party or the other, and the OPs D needs to be sure that her friend won’t just want to hang with her BF, who will want to hang with the EX most likely, she doesn’t need to make demands, but get a feel for what she is walking into- that is taking back your life</p>

<p>Point is, the D should have a mental plan before she goes to the visit- some back ups in case it is still too painful, if she has her own friend with her, (squeeze her in, sneak her in, whatever), then if she is still distraught, she can go off with her friend and have fun…and they can include the other BFF</p>

<p>If D shows up with a smile, and that can come from having someone with her, she will be more able to get through this weekend without breaking down, and if she does breakdown, she has support with her</p>

<p>If does get uncomfortable, and the Ex isn’t being as nice as he could be, or is being TOO nice, and sending mixed signals, or whatever, D has someone there who is there just for D, who can have fun at the same time</p>

<p>If it takes $ to take a friend, I as a parent would chip in, times like this is when GFs mean alot, and while her BFF is there, she has her own relationship and conflicts to deal with, so this is indeed the time to look to other friends to help you through difficult times</p>

<p>So, my suggestion is to maybe mention to D about bringing another friend along…it can be very rejuvenating after a breakup to giggle with the female types</p>

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<p>My frosh D just “survived” her first wknd w/o her bf of 2 1/2 yrs (since she was 16 and him 18; he’s now a jr at nearby uni). She reports that her friend have been terribly supportive - -buying her junk food, taking her to movies, etc. - - and it’s been a reall girl bonding experience. This weekend she went to her first college parties (bf was very studious and didn’t party) and had the time of her life - - apparently included meeting a couple of nice boys.</p>

<p>There were a few days when D was weepy and hated everything, including sports. But the tide had definitely turned and if anything, I am now concerned that she’s having too much fun and neglecting her studies (though I guess it’s ok for a short while).</p>

<p>Anyway, I hope D’s experience bodes well for you D.</p>

<p>Also, I have been very careful not to “pile on” when D bad-mouths her ex - - b/c they could get back together.</p>

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<p>Well, considering your daughter is 4 years younger; and that means he was graduated from high school and into college or tech school or whatever when she was starting 9th grade; I would hope that she hasn’t been dating him that long. If so, that is part of the problem which shouldn’t have been allowed. As such, if they haven’t dated that long, then that is what you have to emphasize.</p>

<p>Let her know that she is going to date and breakup with a lot more guys in the future until she decides to settle down. If she doesn’t see this logic, then you really need to get her to understand that. She really needs to grow up. (let the flames begin). But that is the truth. At the age she is at now, their age difference is definitely a problem if they’ve been dating for more than a year. It’s definitely an issue with him being past the normal college age. She’s got a whole life ahead of her. Much of that is the excitement and experiences of her next 4 years in college. Get her to understand that. Don’t let her concentrate on this being such a dramatic experience. Get her to concentrate on the fact that him breaking up with her is the greatest thing that could have happened.</p>

<p>She needs to grow up and now’s the time. To be unhappy at school, not wanting to play basketball (Which is her ticket to school), willing to basically drop out of school because of this, is totally a “Non Adult” approach. She needs to understand this. You can sugar coat it anyway you want to. Moms tend to do that. But the message still needs to be the same. Teach her that this is the real world and this is life. Teach her to be in control of her own life and not allow anyone, especially a boy friend, to have that much control over her emotions.</p>

<p>Please, let’s not get into the whole; “This is a traumatic experience in a girl’s life” debate. We can save a lot of time and discussion and agree to disagree. I didn’t live through the 60s and 70s ERA, racism, drugs, free love, and a host of other social fights so that people would lose their self esteem and independence and allow such a thing as a breakup to have so much control over their lives. So let’s just agree to disagree on the emotional side of all of this. Either take some of my advice and help make your daughter a stronger person and grow up, or don’t take my advice and coddle her and let her remain dependent on boys, you, dad, and everyone else.</p>

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<p>well then, she should be just as adamant that he does not affect her involvement in basketball or her grades in college.</p>

<p>Good luck!</p>

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<p>I might be inclined to make my daughter a “better offer” for the weekend. She can visit her friend a different time.</p>

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<p>I had my first breakup in the spring, with a boyfriend of seven months. I know that I was desperate for distraction in the days afterward - I wanted to do something fun, with other people.</p>

<p>I also wanted to not have well-meaning people second-guess me. When I explained the circumstances of the breakup, I did not want to have a caring, well-intentioned person say “Well, I know you think this happened for this reason, but it probably happened for this reason instead.” The relationship had been broken for some three months, with both of us trying to mend it and few people knowing details, and it was frustrating to have someone who cared about me and was trying to make me feel better project their own thoughts about relationships onto MY situation that I and the young man knew more about than anyone else.</p>

<p>Along the same lines, I got very frustrated when people threw cliches at me, e.g. men don’t commit. It made me angry - these tired stereotypes out of bad romance movies seemed to me to be demeaning to the very complicated and difficult situation that had led to our breakup.</p>

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<p>It is okay to be upset, etc, but you can’t let a breakup take over ,and you can’t react like wanting to quit parts of your life over some relationship (I am NOT saying the relationship wasn’t important and meaningful- it was)</p>

<p>We do, however, often say things in the heat of the moment or when we are in an emotional state, we just shouldn’t DO those things we say, because then we will regret it most likely</p>

<p>that is why its important to take back control- and part of that is looking around and see what you DO have, good friends, a great school, strong loving family and move forward</p>

<p>oddly enough, Christcorp and I arent’ that far apart on the lessons learned here- by inviting her OWN friend along, she is acting independently, and taking charge of herself-</p>

<p>Its good she doesn’t want to run from the event and the common friends, but at the same time, creating some support with friends and such is taking back your life, shifting those emotions into something positive</p>

<p>My Ds roommate just got dumped, she is okay, but sad, and a bit frustrated, so i sent her a wee present, something simple, jsut a token…</p>

<p>We don’t want to act like the breakup was trivial, but we don’t want it to be a life altering event either</p>

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<p>The best thing about young break-ups is that they open up so much breathing space. College is THE time for mind-expansion and self-discovery. It’s tough to sort out who you are as an adult when most of your emotion is driven by the intensity of young passion. </p>

<p>If the relationship was a good one, I’d reinforce my affirmation for the quality of the rlationship; ie ‘you were so kind to one another’. Mostly though, I’d affirm the positives of a break for a young woman. </p>

<p>There is plenty of time to be married. In my experience. ;)</p>

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<p>Well, I just talked to her and she sounds good. She is still adamnat about going this weekend and she does have several “safety nets”…her 2 male cousins will be there (and have both said she can call/stay with them if she needs/wants) and a male friend (her age and just a friend) will also be there. </p>

<p>As far as basketball, she has been talking about not wanting to play for months so I am not sure it is related to the breakup.</p>

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<p>good about the safety nets, and if she doens’t want to play bball, and it isn’t a "new"issue, that is just fine, recruited or not</p>

<p>it could just be the breakup made D want to re-evaluate her life and set priorities, and bball, after how ever many years, may not what she wants to do, and that is just fine</p>

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<p>Unless “Recruited” means a scholarship. If that’s the case, is she and mom ready to pay for school?</p>

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<p>jessiehl said:</p>

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<p>LIFE LESSON</p>

<p>When S and HS GF called it quits at the end of the summer before their freshman year of college, I was very careful to avoid ^^^^. I refused to give into my urges to impart my “wisdom” under the circumstances, although I agree with cheers on the part about the benefits of breathing space and self-discovery. I just think it is up to the people involved to decide if (and when) they view the break up as “a good thing.”</p>

<p>My Dad once mentioned that the fastest way to say “father-in law” was to criticize one’s child’s choice of dating partners. And before the barrage of posts starts, I think there are exceptions if the dating partner is a real threat to the child.</p>

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<p>about basketball-- D should also be aware that intense physical activity has been demonstrated to be an effective way to decrease (mild) depression for physiological reasons.</p>

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<p>Citygirlsmom - i think you hit the nail on the head in that I do believe the breakup has caused some reevaluation for her. She has been playing basketball since the 3rd grade (the last 4 years on a very intense level both in HS and Nike sponsored team) so if she does not want to do it anymore it is fine by her Dad and me.</p>

<p>Christcorp - no money involved as she chose to go to college for the school not for the basketball (where money was offered).</p>

<p>pyewacket - she and I have talked at length about the need for her to exercise and she signed up a yoga class, is running and weightlifting. I hope the endorphins she gets from that continue to help.</p>

<p>Again…thank you all for your suggestions!</p>

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<p>Well, she went to PumpinFest this weekend and saw the ex. She said she just said hello and made small talk with him. They did hang out in the same group all weekend and when she was driving home her best friend called her and said the ex called her and told her “I made the biggest mistake of my life breaking up with her.” The ex then called my daughter and said he wanted to get together and talk. Well, they met up last night and he told my daughter he had so much to say but then said all of the same things he said when he broke up with her. She is SO confused right now. Any ideas???</p>

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<p>Tell your daughter to just move on. His motivation is that he isn’t happy with his current situation. He’s rather have his old girlfriend than nothing at all. Especially something he has some control over.</p>

<p>Tell he to not just leave, but to run. She’s too young with too much ahead of her to let this be a distraction. She needs to move on. Things like this are meant for a reason. She has no reason to be dating this guy. I don’t care if he’s a “Nice” guy or not. She’s got a great opportunity here to move on with her life. To meet new friends. Get involved with clubs and organizations. So on.</p>

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<p>She’s 18, he’s 22.
She just started in a 4-year college, he just finished a 2-yr. tech program.
She has everything ahead of her.
He has no idea what to do next with his life.</p>

<p>Sounds like the best thing for her would be to immerse herself in schoolwork, friends, activities at her college, and not come home for a while.</p>

39

<p>She needs to get over this guy - easier said than done I know. He is obviously confused and perhaps wants to keep her interested while he decides how iinterested he is. He’s young - that happens - but she doesn’t need to come along for the ride because it will clearly be a bumpy one.</p>

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<p>So he wants to get back together? Or not? Sounds like he doesn’t know what he wants, which means not. (Sort of like being pregnant, no middle ground.)</p>

<p>I’d stay away from him for a while. There is nothing wrong with taking a little break, it doesn’t have to be forever, but long enough for both of them to examine themselves. Staying in contact with someone who is jumping in and out of the box is just torturing youself.</p>

<p>If it were me, I’d tell him that I’d like to stay apart for a month, then if we both agree we can get back together and talk. That will give them both a chance to reboot themselves. If it’s meant to be, a month apart will not kill them.</p>