help me!

Parent Cafe
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<p>I, too, had a terrible childhood experience. I too didn’t tell and didn’t want a friend who suspected to tell. When I finally told a trusted adult, way after the fact, that adult did nothing. I don’t think he believed me. </p>

<p>Literally two decades later, apparently the guy was still at it and ultimately he went to prison after a trial that turned the girl we hope was his last victim inside out. I knew another girl he had hurt, and when I talked to her in adulthood, she knew yet another two girls. At some point, we had all told someone not to tell.</p>

<p>There are no words for the regret I feel for not having pursued this close to the time it happened. Clearly, the responsibility here lay with me, but I also wish that my internist, the person I told, had done something. (This was before the days of child abuse reporting.) And I wish that the friend who suspected and on some level knew what was happening had defied me and told someone who was trained to handle these things. Such as a school counselor. How many girls would have been saved? </p>

<p>These days, counselors who work with children are trained to sort out and deal with these issues. If it turns out that this was the kind of encounter InterestedDad suspects it was, the counselor’s reaction will be different than if Helphelp’s friend and the friend’s girl cousin and God knows how many other little girls were, in fact, molested.</p>

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<p>The problem is that no one here knows what the girl’s family is like and how they would react. I don’t think a 16-year old is in a position to make a good judgment for someone else.</p>

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<p>I am saying the friend should do what she can to get the girl to talk to someone. If she shared then she is probably ready to find a counselor to talk to. I did. And it helped me. I told know one and saw someone for another reason. It was all connected though. And I am saying the friend should ask the girl if she is sure the cousin isn’t hurting anyone else. Like another younger cousin. At some point this will affect both girls, and if one girl talks to someone, maybe she will be more help to the girl cousin.</p>

<p>And my point was that just because he isn’t touching s sister and his cousin anymore, itnis very likely he is touching someone else., and the cousin might want to keep her eye out for this cousin and if he is alone with other relatives.</p>

<p>Is that so damaging to say? There was a boy who was just a year or two older and he would try and fondle girls while at school while the kids were getting prepared to alter serve. He was just a grade aheD, but he was strong, sneaky, and a creep. One smallish girl he thought would be an easy target screamed at him to stop it and she told. Turns out this 12 year old boy had fondled at least three other girls who had said nothing. He was expelled and other things happened. The others girls parents had no clue but once it came out, it was a relief for everyone.</p>

<p>I am not saying the op should gombehind the girls back, or open a can of worms, but if the girl is sharing, then it seems to me she may be looking for a way to get help.</p>

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<p>

I agree that a good friend would encourage the other friend to speak to someone, but without knowing the context, we can’t know if the girl was looking for help or there was something else going on entirely. Unfortunately, there are some cultures (I live in an area with very large Egyptian and Liberian communities) in which the girl would be blamed and would be considered tainted. One must treat carefully, and I truly believe that a 16-year old isn’t in a good position to decide. The poster could speak to a counselor at school without naming names, that might be fine, but if the friend asked her not to say anything, the girls wishes should be respected absent imminent danger.</p>

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<p>This: * The poster could speak to a counselor at school without naming names, that might be fine, but if the friend asked her not to say anything, the girls wishes should be respected absent imminent danger. *</p>

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<p>And if her family is indeed that scary, gee, isn’t that a sign to try and get the girl talk to someone? If we told rape victims, and I am not saying that is the case here, but it’s the same idea, if we told them, don’t tell anyone because mom and dad might freak out, what kind of awful message are we telling young girls and women? Keep the secret? Don’t tell? It’s that kind of attitude that allows molesters to keep hurting. </p>

<p>I wish I had told my mom about my step father. I didn’t want to rock the boat. I was wrong to not tell.</p>

<p>Zoosermom, I think you are sending the wrong message. We can’t continue to say nothing.</p>

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<p>

Are you insane? Do you know what happens to girls who are tainted in certain communities? </p>

<p>Speaking up for someone else is not empowering. It’s just another form of abuse. You and the poster don’t have the right to ruin someone else’s life just because you think it’s the right thing to do. It’s also remarkable that people are so sure of their own principles that they don’t consider the fact that not every life is like theirs. We aren’t talking about an adult here, we are talking about a 16-year old girls who is old enough to know the dynamic of her own family but not old enough to be on her own.</p>

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<p>I second Zooser and dad. We don’t know enough and a 6th grader is a lot different from an older person. Support your friend. Be there to talk to. Encourage her to talk to an adult but don’t go to anyone yourself. Unless you have more information than what you have shared, there is not enough information to potentially damage one or more lives.</p>

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<p>The OP should talk to the guidance counselor, preferrably today or tomorrow. She has been shouldered with a burden that is not reasonable, and she should talk to someone who is skilled and knowledgable who let her know what the proper thing for her to do is.</p>

<p>If she doesn’t want to tattle, she doens’t need to name names. She can simply say “my friend told me this and doesn’t want me to tell, but it is an uncomfortable situation.” If the guidance counselor feels that the situation is serious and something needs to be raised, she can advise the OP of that, and they can decide to go there. Or if she feels that an isolated incident five years ago isn’t a big deal, she can say that as well.</p>

<p>One thing I will say is that neither us, nor the OP, know what happened…it’s all heresay.</p>

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<p>^^I think that’s an excellent idea. A professional will know how to sort things out and would have a good idea of the school’s cultural community.</p>

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<p>I tend to agree talking to a professional anonymously would be a good idea. There could be consequences if the OP tells on her friend, no matter how well meaning, and while I understand people’s outrage I think it is wise to tread lightly. While this could have been experimentation, the fact that the girl still remembers it (and the fact as posted that it happened multiple times) makes me think it could be something stronger. I understand others outrage, unfortunately in this day and age there are still too many people, even after the horrific abuse cases like Sandusky and the Priest abuse scandal, who dismiss those who allege abuse or with younger kids, in effect laugh and say “kids will be kids”…and in this day and age, when they have 9 year olds arrested for molesting classmates, we can’t assume innocence any more (I am talking in general, not this specific case since I don’t know)</p>

<p>I also wouldn’t make the argument that because the boy was 11 or 12 at the time that it was automatically ‘experimentation’, which holds the aura of innocence around it. Some kids that age are highly sexualized these days, I have seen and heard things from well off kids from “good homes” that really troubled me and if in fact there was some sort of sexualized activity here it also is not unlikely, as others have posted, that the behavior continued, if someone abuses, it is likely they will continue doing so.</p>

<p>Hopefully the girl in question can find a way to speak up for herself if she feels like what happened was truly abuse, maybe get the sister to speak up as well, if this really was abuse then it is not unlikely that the person accused did it to more then them.</p>

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<p>I think that the problem is that while no one has in fact argued that whatever happened with the 11 or 12 years old kids years ago “was automatically ‘experimentation’” a number of folks seem to be confident in assuming that

and

and projecting from bad personal experiences which may - or may not - be relevant. Interesteddad is correct that we don’t have enough information to provide advice that is likely to be genuinely helpful. Zoosermom is also right that the advice being urged could have unintended negative consequences the advisors haven’t thought through. I recognize that the internet is a medium of freely offered and poorly analyzed opinions and advice. This is not, in my opinion, a good opportunity for adults to jump in based on assumptions about what the friend said and/or what actually happened 5 years ago.</p>

<p>My advice to helphelphelphelp? If this is bothering you think through exactly what you were told by your friend. “Molested” is a term with many meanings and nuances, and precision here makes a difference. Tell an appropriate adult what she told you - exactly, but without identifying your friend. An appropriate adult might be a school counselor, religious advisor, a parent - someone who is a responsible adult who you trust, who would not be personally involved in the matter in any way. Answer any questions the adult asks you, but don’t embellish or fill in things you think are true if your friend didn’t specifically say so. </p>

<p>Then let that adult advise you. Don’t take advice from random strangers on the internet who may be reliving personal experiences which may not be at all like what happened to your friend.</p>

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<p>

I think this is truly excellent advice and I hope you will take it for your sake, as well as the other girls.</p>

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<p>So you think the girl shouldn’t talk to a counselor? That her friend shouldnt say, friend, there is a women place down the road and you can safely with no fear share your story and get some help for yourself. I didn’t say tell the parents, I didn’t say go to the cops, I said that the girl should find someone to share her story to get it out to start healing if that is what she needs.</p>

<p>I am not insane, in fact I am very rational. If her family is the type to shun her, marry her off, stone her, whatever, and the girl did feel it was molesting, and it is hurting her pysche, the. If she can get some help for herself with it not going back to mom and dad, then why not? </p>

<p>It’s this attitude of shaming the victim, that makes the victims feel ashamed. </p>

<p>I just know this, if a person tells me, I was molested as a child, i don’t question her or his interpretation of the events. I don’t go, well, he thought it was experimentation so it ,it be. If it feels like you were molested, who are we to say, gee, no, it was a kids will be kids thing. If the ops friend said I was molested, she was molested, it wasn’t mutual play. </p>

<p>We empower rapists molesters, etc by saying, shh don’t tell even if it was years ago. As for cultural differences, it’s time we said no more. </p>

<p>Yes, I am angry. Not at the op, but at those that think, up gee, it might have been playing doctor. If it was the op wasn’t worried and didn’t understand what she was told,e then she wouldn’t have posted. </p>

<p>If your daughter came to you and said, so and so molested me, would you immeidaelty say gee, you sure it wasn’t mutual?</p>

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<p>seahorserock:</p>

<p>We don’t even know what the girl told the OP. Or if the OP even asked any questions or has any idea what did or did not happen. Lacking even the slightest bit of relevant information, and being aware of the possibility of misinterpretations several layers removed, I think it is unwarranted for any of us to jump immediately to a recommendation of action, against the friend’s specific request, that could have dire consequences for everyone involved.</p>

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<p>

Unfortunately, this sort of “zero tolerance” approach to life invariably leads to unanticipated bad results. I have known many people - particularly, but not exclusively, young people - who have seized on a dramatic but not actually accurate characterization of events as a means of obtaining sympathy, attention, etc. I’m not saying that’s the case here - as Interesteddad correctly observed, even the second-hand description we’re getting isn’t very informative - but it could be. If it is, reacting as if this is a case of bona fide sexual abuse would have all sorts of adverse consequences to a number of young people - not least of whom would be the OP and her friend. In this instance we have one young person’s characterization of another young person’s narrative - and either one could be factually inaccurate for lots of reasons. There are lots of reasons to counsel caution.</p>

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<p>Thanks for all the replies, guys. My friend is a very small girl, so I can see how someone of even average size could overpower her. Apparently, she doesnt like to think about it or tell what happened because it was so bad she never wants to think about it…which doesnt seem healthy at all. I think ill go with zoosermom’s point of view…i had doubts about telling adults the explicit truth in the beginning anyways.</p>

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<p>I guess I trust most girls have enough smarts to know when they have been touched, molested, raped, etc. They may not tell, but they know. Others seem to believe us poor female types get confused and golly gee, don’t know when someone has hurt us. </p>

<p>Most people don’t make this stuff up, most hide it because people don’t believe them. And I would bet most downplay the incidents. And a vast number never even tell anyone at all. Seeing from some of the posts here, whose first assumption was mutual play, as opposed to unwanted molesting, I can see why so many never tell.</p>

<p>Any boy who experiments with his younger sister has a problem, but guess some here think that’s okay.</p>

<p>Help, you are a good friend. I am sure you will usengood judgement, but please talk to an adult.</p>

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<p>One of the best books written on this topic is called “The Courage to Heal” by Bass and Davis. Read page 25 for an excellent definition of experiences that meet criteria for sexual abuse <a href=“http://www.amazon.com/Courage-Heal-Revised-Expanded-Survivors/dp/0060950668[/url]”>http://www.amazon.com/Courage-Heal-Revised-Expanded-Survivors/dp/0060950668&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;

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<p>

Yes they do. And they also have the smarts to understand the family dynamic they are faced with at a time they are not self-supporting. The victim asked the friend not to say anything, and the OP made mention of cultural differences. Which means that the friend should tread lightly. Speaking to a counselor anonymously or helping the friend to speak to a professional would be excellent things. But without more information, the friend shouldn’t tell the parents or set the wheels in motion for them to be told without the victim’s consent. That would be just another form of victimization and it’s not ok.</p>