Help parenting an Aspie

Parent Cafe
1

So I don’t know how to be a good parent right now.

I have an 8yo, autism diagnosis, in a special needs program (public school) who needs an adult nearby to complete simple school work. He requires many, many prompts to do math. He refuses to write.

He also reads voraciously (and I mean VORACIOUSLY) and is constantly thinking, bubbling with ideas and building things (either with paper or wood or cardboard or whatever he can get his paws on). He builds cardboard “exhibits” with a drawing of a fossil, data showing how the animal lived, it’s place in the food chain. He builds devices for breathing underwater. Yesterday he built model of a cricket out of planks of wood. Took up half the dining room.

Just tonight he we staring at his math homework. When I call his name he said, “polar bears have black skin under translucent hair but humans who migrated north from Africa, the cradle of civilization, have lighter skin.”

I said, that’s amazing… can you work out how many baskets Annie will need to carry 53 apples?

In addition to perpetual interests in nature and science he is currently interested in the Vietnam War and symbolism in art. Tonight he copied a series symbols from a books he’s reading and tried to get his grandfather to decode them to test their effectiveness.

I get a daily report from his 2nd grade teachers. They record how much time is spent on task vs off task and whether or not he had a safe body. He is off task about half of the day, on average. Some days are better.

He had a mark for unsafe body in science today. I asked why. He said he was given a worksheet that asked, “What is your favorite rock.” And? I asked. He said he took a crayon and scribbled out the question which he thought was “dumb.” Then when he was reprimanded he ripped up the paper. He told me he was made to write an apology.

He needs to learn to comply with his school work. He needs to be respectful in school. I get that. Ripping up work is unacceptable behavior for an 8yo. The school is pressuring us to pull him out immediately and place him in a fully special needs school (his current program is a mix of autistic kids and mainstream kids).

We applied to a few “2e” (twice exceptional aka gifted with issues) and were rejected because he has a history of aggressive behaviors (not just ripping up work but having meltdowns and for example tipping his desk).

He was proscribed prozac but refused to take it and is working with a therapist to talk though his concerns. One of them: “Anger is important. If it wasn’t for anger the scientists wouldn’t have been motivated during the Manhattan Project to defeat the Nazis.” He is also afraid of losing control of his mind and feelings.

We have another, younger, son who has zero issues. In fact he’s a model student. Strong academically. Sporty. Popular. Social. I always feel compelled to point to EXHIBIT B to prove I’m not a bad mother.

I just don’t know what to do with this kid. I get that he has major issues.

He’s the most intellectually alive child I’ve ever met in my life. But he failing. I’m failing him.

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His interests seem to be a lot more interesting than anything he’s being offered in school. I’d recommend homeschooling.

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@FrancescaBennett This is the plan of last resort. I worry about creating a highly artificial environment for him… Doesn’t he need to learn basic coping skills?

4

Have you followed up on the suggestion made in other threads to check out the online forum run by the Davidson Institute? They honestly seem like a more suitable forum for the issues and questions you have been asking.

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@intparent I’m there in another tab now figuring out if he qualifies. I’m reading from the neuropsychological evaluation he took last month. “On the WISC-V, verbal comprehension was in the superior range overall. did best on measures of vocabulary (word definition; 99th %ile) and fund of information (98th %ile); these results were in the very superior range. For example, he offered excellent definitions of words including precise, transparent, and entice, and correctly identified Isaac Newton.” Now I think Davison is looking for 99.9% (?). And anyway in other areas he performed poorly.

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I don’t think intparent is telling you to make him part of the program or anything like that but to check out THEIR forum where you’re more likely to have people who have been through this. I just checked out the forum and I think int might be right.

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@intparent @romanigypsyeyes It took me only a few minutes to find posts that sounds like S1. Oh wow. WOW.

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They are a pretty helpful group with issues like these. And have kids closer in age to yours than most parents out here.

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It is very helpful to find online forums grappling with similar issues. Hope it provides you with some new thoughts and support.

Online health forums have been invaluable to me and my family in dealing with our issues. Good luck!

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Probably the biggest knife in my heart is handing him over to adults (teachers, administrators) who ONLY see the worse parts of him. Only speak about him in terms of shortcomings, soaked in exasperation and disappointment.

Because while I fully get and agree that his behavior - when triggered - is unacceptable, how on earth can people not see that he is trying and help me help him? I really thought that’s what “teaching” is all about. It is completely not our experience.

AND YET he has to learn how to get by in the wide world. I would love to homeschool him, but worry that he won’t learn to develop a thick skin and coping skills. I would create a too-perfect world for him.

Anyway… Thanks for the feedback. So helpful.

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If the teachers and administrators only see the worst parts of him and speak in negative terms there needs to be a meeting of the minds. It is their JOB to see the strengths and positive sides of your son! A good team is sensitive to the fact that a parent needs to know that they can see the good as well as the bad. Yes, these kids can be frustrating to have in class. I live with that every day. In the midst of a meltdown I remind myself that this is someone’s beloved child, and years from now I don’t want him to remember me as one of the big meanies of his childhood.

I would fight to keep him out of a more restrictive environment. He doesn’t sound like he needs to be around more kids with issues. I have found the middle school years to be transformational for a lot of these kids. They come in as sixth graders acting a lot as you described your son. In regular classes, they get feedback from other kids about their behaviors and peer pressure such that even the aspies catch on that some things are just not cool.

What are you supposed to do with the daily report? Do they expect you to reward or discipline, or is it simply informational? In second grade I think it’s best just to inform you if there was a problem or a really great moment. I understand they need to collect their data and you should have access to it, but daily reports seem exhausting to me- for both you and the teachers.

Best of luck to you!

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@Aspieration – hugs – you are not failing your child. Question – has he had any male teachers yet? DS had ADHD (not Asperger’s) and he did much better with male teachers than female. They “got” him. The female teachers seemed to think any boy who got out of his chair should be sedated. Is writing hard for him? I used to tell DS “you talk and I’ll type”. He would free associate while walking around the room throwing a ball in the air and kicking another one off the wall while I tried to type as fast as I could to get it all down. Then he had something he could edit.

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“AND YET he has to learn how to get by in the wide world. I would love to homeschool him, but worry that he won’t learn to develop a thick skin and coping skills. I would create a too-perfect world for him.”

As a mom who has homeschooled 4 kids for 18 years (my oldest is a sophomore in college), who has led 2 homeschool groups, and who signs assessments for people across the state to satisfy the state’s requirements (so, basically, I know a lot of homeschoolers), I believe your fears about homeschooling, while understandable at first, are unfounded.

I don’t want this to become a homeschooling thread, so I’ll keep it brief here (and invite you to PM me if you have further questions), but homeschooling provides a great opportunity to get your son out into the real, wide world, and to learn how to cope with that world with your guidance. You would not be creating a too-perfect world because the world is not perfect; he would still have to deal with situations, but, again, you can guide him in those to the extent you’d like and he needs.

As far as thick skin, he’s so young still. He will develop eventually it no matter what environment he is in, especially since it is something you are concerned about.

Your son’s interests and his insatiable curiosity sound wonderful and, IMO, should be completely encouraged and fully supported! Homeschooling can do that as well as provide a way to individualize his education (to those interests and his abilities) and development.

14

I believe the OP’s concern about creating a too-perfect world without as much opportunity to learn coping skills relates to her son being on the autistism spectrum and not home schooling in general. It’s really a different ballgame with unique challenges that are difficult for anyone to relate to who hasn’t dealt with them personally. For instance . . . . . .

Not necessarily true for those on the spectrum. We often take these things for granted. They can’t.

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Another homeschooler here: Homeschooling does not mean you have to wrap your child in bubble wrap. You could choose do do so, but more likely you will sign up for enrichment classes at the museum, swim class, field trips to see exhibits and performances, library runs, shopping runs, family vacations to unfamiliar places, etc. at the pace at which he is ready for such things.

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Rather than helping your son develop those skills, the school just seems to be complaining that he doesn’t already have them. Homeschooling would allow your son to develop at the pace that suits him. He has such a curious mind and so many interests, I’m sure you could find ways for him to explore those interests–while interacting with the real world. Learning doesn’t have to look anything like school!

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Your son sounds like my nephew. DSis homeschooled around 2nd grade-that didn’t work. Without the social cues from the classroom, he just didn’t want to do anything he wasn’t interested in. It mentally and physically exhausted DSis. Back to public school he went. There were no autism programs so he was placed in a full time program for kids with learning disabilities. He spent about 3rd grade to 8th grade in that program. He came out barely able to read and doing math at a 3rd grade level. Finally near the end of high school, his social skills improved, but it was too late for his academic career.

Many boys his age and into middle school, especially gifted ones, don’t like to sit when working. A lot of elementary teachers don’t get that.

I would work on the meds. Perhaps tell him to try it for a period of time and if he doesn’t like it, he can stop. Hopefully he would be able to see an improvement in how his school day goes and would continue on it.

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Have you looked into Sudbury school (child-lead learning at a school)? We didn’t do this personally and I don’t know anyone who did, but the concept intrigued me.

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@Aspieration - You are a wonderful advocate for you son because you see so many of his positive points. However keep in mind that home schooling may wear you down. Not sure the right answer here. but I’m glad you are looking into a variety of resources.

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@colorado_mom I think homeschooling could remediate any and all academic issues (because we would simply work on them until they improved) and could help DS really shine where he already has nascent talent. Homeschooling would also provide ds with oodles of time to read which is all he really wants to do. Right now he’s sunk his teeth into the global history of medicine. Last night he was so excited about an explorer named Zheng He that he read parts of his book aloud to us. He loves reading aloud, pausing, discussing. This morning it was about the history of cod fish (more fascinating than it sounds!).

But what good will all of this spark of intellect, interest and enthusiasm about ideas and the world do if he can’t “deal” with being a regular 2nd grade kid? So I think of school as a laboratory where we learn to deal with the world. With lining up and waiting, with having to start and stop things when someone says so, with having to do as he’s told, no negotiation.

I don’t know if what we’re doing is the best thing for him. Right now I’m going for the path that will give him the best chance of a normal life. I’m assuming that his autism will mean that he will do a job below his abilities, probably involving a lot of dull, tedious work. And so he better get used to it.