<p>Who knows who is in the right with any family situation, but my kids do need to follow my rules when under my roof.</p>
<p>No one suggested you call the mom, but please don’t treat her like she’s stupid if she calls you. I have to say I welcome any parent checking in with me when bad behavior has taken place within a group. The fact that this is a thread seems to have been based on that this event was an issue to all the families involved.</p>
<p>I know I said they would be dumb to call me, and really I did not mean it in any way, other than if they were calling me to point a finger. I guess I should have been specific. If they were calling to let me know that their son was not supposed to go, but he still went, well, nothing for me to say or do in response. If they just want to inform me, well, okay, cool.</p>
<p>See, Suze, I did not call the kid trustworthy. I just said that I would not call him untrustworthy, based on this.</p>
<p>Nor did his parents NOT trust him. In fact they trusted him to stay home. </p>
<p>Kirmum, no bad behavior took place “within the group” as you put it. That is way off. The way you word it, it seems like 4 boys did something bad. One kid decided to go against his parents wishes/instructions, and seriously, none of the others knew about it, other than his parents did not want him to be the driver.</p>
<p>Obviously if the boys did something unacceptable on the trip, I would get involved.</p>
<p>Sorry to rain on this parade. Anyone here happen to follow the “post prom all night party” thread about 10 days ago? In it I mentioned this event that had happened (to friends of some of our party’s attendees) the day before:
</p>
<p>They were on their way to an Allman Brothers concert. Perhaps it was because I was responsible for 28 very typical HS juniors the night after this awful tragedy happened that I feel strongly that the parents should communicate with each other if there is knowledge of deceit. Stuff like this accident happens.</p>
<p>That is tragic Jym. It’s too bad if the parents did not know where the kids were headed, or that were driving through the night. Teens usually think they are invincible, and that they would never fall asleep at the wheel.</p>
<p>It’s fine to communicate if there is knowledge of deceit. And I have certainly called parents with info. that I would have wanted to have about my child. And lost some friends in the bargain. But perhaps saved a kid from self-destruction.</p>
<p>OK, keep your eyes closed really tight.</p>
<p>Is that directed at me? ^^^^^</p>
<p>Chocoholic, you’ve questioned your son’s judgement in other posts. You really believe his friend who lies to his parents may be trustworthy and your son didn’t know he wasn’t supposed to go???</p>
<p>Once again, I did not call the boy 'trustworthy. I said that he is the last person I would call untrustworthy. I also said I did not defend anything the boy did.
My son, when he came home, said, “hey mom, Jeff just mentioned that his parents wanted him to not attend the concert”. So, yes, my son knew afterwards. AND he told me.</p>
<p>My only conclusion from reading this thread is that no two families share the same dynamics.</p>
<p>My thoughts went to a cousin in my family whose son was killed while driving others home from a rock concert in another city. It was one of those horrific accidents, nobody’s fault, but a tractor trailor had just jacknifed itself on the highway a moment before somehow, and in the darkness the truck driver was setting up flares, but our cousin’s car was the very next one to arrive. He and another boy were killedinstantly. My poor cousin said the hardest part was when the police told her consolingly, “We want you to know your son tested completely negatively for substances in his system.” She took offense, understandable in her grief, and said “Of COURSE there were none…” He WAS one of those trustworthy, good drivers.</p>
<p>The hard, hard part was the decisions she then had to make for his younger brother. You can only imagine everyone’s grief, including the younger brother.</p>
<p>Now I’m throwing this out as a true, if extreme example to make a point. LET’S JUST SUPPOSE that the lesser known child who had been forbidden to go off in choco’s son’s car while parents were away was someone for whom tragedy had recently occurred in the family. And the parents simply could not take the additional stress of wondering about their second and now only child driving with others. Maybe they’d be in their right minds to ask him to not drive with groups, or not to rock concerts, until they could recover their equilibrium. I know that when I’m out of town I make some different rules than when I’m home, actually a combination of more and less restriction, so I can travel without additional worry and build up maturity within a basically very trustworthy son. </p>
<p>It’s just that you NEVER KNOW what’s going on in another person’s home and why another set of parents make restricting rules that you would not (even at age 18).</p>
<p>Since this is CC, let me salve the broken hearts from hearing our sad story by telling you that the remaining son has gone on to a brilliant career in an advanced medical science, is working on his post-doctorate, married wonderfully (if late) and I hope will be a dad someday. Mom reconnected with
a long-lost passion in photography that she (not I) called “therapeutic.” Dad’s divorced (and was long before this accident) so I don’t know him as well but I think he remarried okay somehow, not sure. We named our newborn baby after the deceased cousin (with Mom’s permission, and she wanted it only as a middle name, too painful to hear it always mentioned). She was a terrific godfather to him, and of course raised her younger son with balances and wisdom I can only admire forever.
But we all miss that boy. </p>
<p>I guess this shows that every family is not only about the usual “teens want to break the rules and we can’t let them.” Sometimes there are extraordinary stories behind closed doors. Not to speculate about another family, just to say that you don’t know and can’t assume it’s the usual teen/parent merry-go-round, especially when car keys are involved. </p>
<p>When I weigh that humility (every family has private agonies) against my socially upbeat/busybody instinct (“it takes a village”) I often don’t know which way to turn. </p>
<p>I have recently encountered a family in my S’s circle of friends where I perceive the girl as quite trustworthy but the parents don’t, so am treading very carefully that she can come here to visit but I make sure she calls them to check in MUCH more often than I’d ever require of my own kid (ages 16,17…). </p>
<p>Not easy.</p>
<p>AND STILL, I"M GLAD FOR THE OP’s SON, because he had a blast and was worthy of some good fun. He followed his own family’s rules, brightly mentioned the other boy’s subterfuge which BTW demonstrates some good communication in OP’s home, doesn’t it! Every family is so different.</p>