Help me out peeps.
S25 just got deferred from a top tier school. He is an amazing leader, organizer, has been asked to serve in positions by school leadership. 4 years of : speech and debate, (state awards), varsity cross Country (captain this year), 4 on school newspaper (became editor) and 4 years volunteering with an immigrant group. Great recs, great essay.
3.75 UW but from a very rigorous top tier HS in Michigan.
I’m trying to help him navigate all of this…
How does he get deferred while another local kid we’ve heard about from a very low ranked HS, No extracurriculars but 4.0 get in.
Both same race, I think similar SES
To be fair, I don’t know this kid other than reputation in the community is meh, drinks a lot, etc.
I don’t understand and am having a hard time supporting my kid in this besides the “it’s a lottery”/“you don’t know what they were looking for” argument.
In this case, the school just cares about stats and reporting its average gpa? I mean, what are they saying here? Help me not be such a pessimist that all they care about is a number and not actually building a community? It’s a small school that says it’s holistic review.
I know I know it’ll be ok and it will absolutely work out but man I am completely disillusioned. This feels completely business model all they care about is themselves. Just yuck.
Thanks in advance-
Do yourself a favor…don’t try and figure it out. Don’t dwell on it in front of your child either. I think everyone has a few of those. Scream into your pillow and smile in the morning. Your frustration is valid and ok but move on quickly. I have 3 kids…the first 2 had some ■■■ result comparisons but both ended up fine. Last one coming this year…
Don’t try to compare - you have no way of knowing the other student’s application details, LoRs, essays, etc……acknowledge the disappointment and then move on.
Make sure your student has a well balanced list with a sure thing that is exciting. If there is no safety school that he would like, get working on finding one as there is still time.
And, GPA matters. Often one of the most important metrics.
My generic advice is to use the weakest stats to determine the safety and match schools (compared to the common data sets) not the strongest. That way your student isnt over reaching and sure to have plenty of choices in the spring.
And lastly, a deferral isn’t a “no”. They may want to see first semester grades to make sure your student is a good fit. Make sure your son doesn’t take his foot off the gas senior year and is still trying for the highest grades possible.
PS. Even with a 4.0 he could still have been deferred. Mine was from UM many cycles ago. As was her school Val with perfect grades and test scores and amazing ECs. He’s there now getting a fully funded PhD . It does all work out in the end even if it’s a different path than expected.
Hang in there and hugs! It’s hard to see our kids disappointed!
Absent having a seat in the committee room as they are making these decisions, you will never really know why they make any given decision. And in this case, I will gently suggest you didn’t persuade me you really know enough about this other kid to even speculate.
But one thing we do know is they very likely did not do what you are doing, namely compare this one kid you know to this one other kid you have heard about. They are making these decisions with much larger pools in front of them, and that is all the more reason why it is pointless to speculate why the mix they put in the accept pile might contain one kid you know and the mix they put in the defer pile might contain a different kid you know. There are so, so many moving parts you are not seeing at all.
So personally, I find it useful to be a little bit of a realist about all this.
Admissions officers do in fact owe their primary duties to their institution, the institution that is in fact paying them. They are also supposed to behave ethically. But otherwise, their job is to ultimately enroll a class that best satisfies the various competing goals of their institution.
I don’t think that is quite the same thing as saying they don’t care about kids at all. But I think on a very basic level, their attitude tends to be that even if some great kid doesn’t end up at their college, they will surely end up at some other college that works for that kid. So they don’t really see it as doing a big injustice to some great kid when they don’t admit them because of some complicated decision involving institutional priorities. They are just doing their job for the institution that pays them, and they assume it will work out fine for that kid anyway.
And while you don’t have to love it when your kid doesn’t get something they want . . . in fairness, the colleges that do not accept your kid are usually going to be right about that. Meaning it is very likely that as long as your kid applies to a suitable list, they will get multiple good offers to consider. Even if not from this one specific college they like.
Again, I am not suggesting you or your kid has to like this outcome. But I think there is in fact some comfort in being realistic about all this.
Don’t waste the time or energy. You’ll drive yourself crazy. Going through this twice I learned that there’s always a curveball with decisions. Some good and some bad surprises.
S20 graduated from Georgia Tech. He was deferred EA and admitted RD. EA used to include OOS applicants. He said he knew at least a dozen kids that applied. Three were admitted EA. The rest denied. He was the only deferral. He said stats had nothing to do with it. No rhyme or reason.
I think his essay worked in his favor. It was the only one I really liked.
My son had a very top heavy list for colleges last year. We got a LOT of rejections. It was hard to watch those rejections come in. But my job as his mom was to be his biggest fan, his cheerleader and forever optimist (even if you don’t feel it on the inside). Our kids take a lot of their cues on how to handle these things from us. Our attitude can inspire the same in them.
My son also received 5 great offers and of course, accepted one of them. It wasn’t his top choice. In fact, it was one of the bottom on his list but he LOVES his school and even with a guaranteed transfer offer to a more prestigious school, he plans to stay where he is. Your child will be fine. Keep an optimistic attitude and let your kid know how proud you are and they will land in the right spot.
Remember, he will succeed no matter where he goes to college.
I agree with others who said that a deferral isn’t a final decision. He probably will experience some denials though, let him mourn for a day and then move on.
Tell him not to take the decisions personally, they aren’t a judgment on the person he is, his character, or potential. It’s hard for teens to understand that, but experienced adults do, so help him understand that.
At our local HS ( nationally ranked) a student with straight A’s (not even one A-) in all high honors classes through six semesters was not accepted to all their schools last year. They also had high test scores and fine ECs. Maybe 2% of this class has straight A’s in all high honors, most students aren’t even allowed to take all high honors level courses.
You will never know why a given student is denied. In the case of your S’s deferral it could be too many B’s/class rank issue. Maybe they need more females for whatever major he applied to. Maybe he would have needed too much financial aid. Could be many things and/or a combo of things. Schools have institutional priorities that change from year to year and we aren’t privy to them.
It still does…EA1 is for in-state students, EA2 for OOS.
And one more piece of free advice…make sure your son is applying to two sure things for admission, that he likes, that are affordable. If it comes to that, it’s nice to have choices.
This sure thing school is THE most important one for the application list.
Please read this thread I’m linking. This was a tippy top student who really didn’t have a sure thing…and was rejected everywhere his senior year of high school. This thread highlights the need for that sure thing school. This student was a NMF, class Val, excellent ECs, etc. and this was in 2005 so admissions to these schools has only gotten more competitive.
P.S. Race can no longer be considered in college admissions.
You don’t know what qualities this student has on their application that meets institutional needs. You just don’t, and I wouldn’t rely on “reputation in the community” to make judgments about another student you don’t know.
I would suggest NOT including discussions about any other students with your son.
Do not allow your child’s self-worth be influenced by an admission officer he never met and who reviewed his application for probably 10-15 minutes.
It is pointless to try to compare applications with another student – especially one you only know by reputation. Many factors go into an admission decision and you don’t know the details of another person’s application.
Sorry your son was disappointed – he sounds wonderful. But top tier schools should be considered reaches for all unhooked applicants. Assuming he has a well balanced application list, I expect he will have a nice outcome.
First, be optimistic: it’s a deferral, not a denial. That’s awesome right there at a top tier that probably rejects a lot of students.
Second, help him prepare for actual rejections.
He is a terrific kid and his worth doesn’t depend on acceptances although that’s how it may feel. He’s probably among the top 4-5 kids around. The issue is that of the “average exceptional” (@Lindagaf tm) kid: every community has exceptional kids. That’s thousands and thousands of exceptional kids nationally. And 90% or more are rejected from highly selective colleges. However most of them end up at a good college for them (and there’s more than one - we can suggest colleges that are similar to that college he got deferred from but less selective id you let us know).
So, you can help him find two colleges he likes and that you can afford where you’re almost certain he’ll get in (in fact, apply EA and/or to the Honors college.)
Then, help him find about 5 colleges he likes where his odds are 60-40, 50-50 at worst (that would be colleges where he’s on the threshold of the top 25% mark and which admit 30-40% applicants).
These categories are both the most important and the hardest.
Reach and dream schools are easy because they’re typically colleges everyone’s heard of so finding the others is much harder.
Ideally include a couple colleges where acceptances are announced in Nov-Dec.
Do not try and figure out why the other student was accepted, for all of the reasons noted above.
We visited one particular “highly rejective” school where a parent asked if it is better to get an A in honors or a B in AP. The answer: it is better to get the A in AP. Then this parent asked how they can expect students to get A’s in the most rigorous classes while also being active in ECs, etc. The answer: that’s what we expect. Now (my words here)- does this mean all schools expect this? No, but this one clearly values GPA in addition to everything else. Schools look for different things.
My D actually had a chance to read the notes that were written on her application. They wrote a lot of comments about her essays and LORs.
Swinging back to number 1, you do not know about this student (and you should not know), their life experiences, essays etc. This does not take anything away from your child….who sounds amazing! His deferral proves the point. As long as he has a well balanced list he will succeed.
One of my daughter’s closest college friends came from a home that struggled to pay their electric bill- and spent time with no electricity. You really do not know what experiences others have.
He was deferred, not rejected, although if he was, so what.
I disagree it’s a lottery. But it is an unknown.
And I’m always weary of we heard about another local kid not as accomplished. Stop. You don’t know the other student, don’t anything about them, and I heard means nothing.
If your student builds a balanced list, they’ll find a great home. There’s many like schools out there to find a similar fit. And deferred means you still have a chance.
A rejection, if it happens, in many ways, is a good thing. It shows the student stretched. Both mine had rejections and I’m glad.
This is a sting - I get it - but not a big deal. Gotta keep the focus on more apps, not dwelling on this minor speed bump.
The applicant from a lower ranked school may have been considered “less privileged” or maybe had higher test scores. Not something to dwell on for sure.
You just don’t know. Too many moving parts. My D19 got accepted at a college one of her classmates was rejected from. On paper, he should have been the choice (he was a friend of hers so she knew details) - higher gpa, better rigor, more ECs… what was different? Personal essays, why us essay, LORs, what they were looking for in balancing a class? Even when you know enough to compare two applicants in a lot more detail than you seem to have, you still don’t know everything the adcom sees and what they are weighing up.
This was obviously a reach school and a reach is always uncertain. Hope the deferral turns into an acceptance and meanwhile hopefully he has a good spread of other schools on his list.
Thank you to all. I really appreciate the individual anecdotes.
I know much of what was said here, it’s just hard to absorb when you’re in lizard brain. I listened to a podcast about the Stoics today and am confident we will work through it. #beagoldfish - IYKYK-
Highly, HIGHLY recommend that everyone read Jeff Selingo’s book, “Who Gets In and Why” as we begin the season of thrills and disappointments. It’s a great narrative about the lack of control we all have in the vast majority of this process. Some of the text is a bit dated but the premise is sound and I feel like it was super helpful. Who Gets in and Why
. It does all work out in the end even if it’s a different path than expected.