why are the “selective” colleges selective? what are they selecting? My understanding is that they are selecting young adults who have strong potential to become the backbone of our society - responsible and capable (plus a long list of positive adjectives but I think these two the most important). These are characteristics that can only be evaluated both objectively and subjectively. How to weight the subjective perspectives is again subjective. So how much “bump” students from underprivileged population “deserve” is subjective; however, they do deserve a “bump” and that should be agreed upon.
Many of my current students are (in my eyes) no less (if not more) responsible than my own children, although they are (on paper) less capable (much less course rigor and lower test scores). I have three female students in my junior class, all will go to college and will be the first in their families. They didn’t know college was possible until middle school. They didn’t step on any college campus (there are several in our city) until 9th grade field trip ( still wouldn’t if they weren’t in our magnet program). They are not taking more rigorous courses because 1, those courses were not offered on our campus (few students would meet the prerequisites) and 2, they were never given the opportunity to prepare for rigorous learning. Ever since third grade they were the “good students” who did their assignments in time and had nothing more advanced to work on. The public school system failed to bring out their potentials. Some of their classmates in third grade could have been my own children, who had me to know better and to guide them forward. By 7th grade my children scored 1300 on SAT while these three girls first heard about magnet high schools and scholarships for college. The time my children spent reading, learning advanced math, playing sports and instruments, these girls spent taking care of their younger siblings, doing house chores, waiting for school buses and riding the ridiculously long routes, etc. Once they knew college was a real option, they put in all they have. They still take care of younger siblings, they do homework and/or read on school bus, they do every assignment perfectly, they figure out rides so they can stay after school to train for academic competitions, etc. One of them wants to apply to Rice next year and I will write a glowing rec letter for her. She asked me yesterday (after seeing PSAT score) “what if I’m not smart enough for Rice”. I told her that her PSAT is at 90% so that’s smart enough, and her work ethic will get her caught up in time.
Let’s return focus to OP’s question
Hi OP, I fully empathize with the gut punch of bad news/unexpected results. The process is so unpredictable and disorienting. First, I’d say, your kid sounds great and you are a wonderfully supportive parent only hoping for the best. It’s a crazy process, and when you have a few “anchor” numbers of GPA, SAT/ACT, it’s easy to have certain expectations, but the problem just tends to be one of space combined with tons of mysterious objectives that we are not privy to in advance. In a way, it would be easier to just admit by a certain cutoff number-- it would be more predictable; although there are countries where getting a certain university entrance test score (the more clear cut path) takes a level of grind I don’t envy either.
The first thing I’d say is – this was a deferral, not a denial. It’s time to reassess. If this school was an ED first choice or something, there may still be options open and you should explore them (LOCI) and connect with any counselors you have about likelihood of converting. I know a bunch of kids who did get admitted from deferrals, but it is very school and situation dependent – find out what this particular situation is. If it was a more casual EA/mid-list school, then I think you have cause to chat with a counselor or other expert about whether this means a list reevaluation or not. Some folks might recalibrate their lists with this new data point. At the least, since you seem surprised, make sure you have solid safe options available. Even if you don’t end up going to them, and your kid gets into a single target or reach later, it generally feels better to feel like they had choices/options and things THEY got to turn down. Finally, I’d say that you never know what the universe has in store. I have one kid who got rejected many places and is now at maybe a seriously great place for them. Too early to tell, but it seems to be turning out to be a very astute option with lower cost and more opportunity than others that said no. So, hang tight, keep going. You still might convert this early school, or maybe end up liking somewhere else better-- keep moving forward!
This is only OCT, still early. Don’t be me from last year. I was so upset S24 got rejected by all top UCs only got waitlist to UCD and accepted to UCR. I did not see all the other great options he had, OOS such as uDub, Ohio State, TAMU. Oregon State and in state such as UCR, CPP, SDSU. Fast forward now, he had the best time of his life in UCD (coming off waitlist). Still many results are coming, no need to be depressed so early. Good Luck.
Deferrals from ED or EA can mean different things depending on the school, resulting in different reassessments.
If a highly selective school rejects most ED or EA applicants and defers few, that suggests that the deferred applicant is close to the borderline of being admitted, unlike the many who got rejected.
If a highly selective school rejects few or no ED or EA applicants (deferring most or all non-admits), then that means that the deferred applicant is (from the school’s point of view) either in the small borderline group or the large obvious-reject group (though the school seems to consider it “polite” to defer the bad news until later). In this case, the school is now a much higher reach than it was when initially applying.
Not explicitly, but one can tell from admissions stats at the most prestigious privates that it is still being considered, most likely through the use of correlated proxy characteristics, such as first generation and SES.
Sample of one…I’m first generation and was low income. I am not a URM.
Many highly rejective schools are reporting that their numbers of URM students went DOWN this admissions cycle and some wonder if not using ethnicity in admissions had any impact on this.
But back to the OP…they really need to help their kid move on to completing other applications, and not speculate on why the kid wasn’t accepted. Fact is…there is no way to know.
First of all, an acceptance to a top school should never be “expected”, so perhaps your title (and your s’s perspective) would be better seen as “disappointing”, not “unexpected”. Secondly, as other have said, its a deferral, not a denial. Still opportunity to punch up information to them, grades, any additional awards, etc. Hope he is able to change his perspective. Good luck.
Other things being equal it is generally easier to earn a high grade at low-ranked school than at a more competitive, high-ranked one. Lower ranked schools have lower academic quality in general, that is an unfortunate fact. Test scores would be an objective criteria but the OP didn’t mention those.
If that was true, colleges would be full of 4.0 graduates from these schools. Clearly all other things are not equal. Again, college adcom has a lot more insight into that student than OP and certainly than we do. OP may not have mentioned test scores because she really doesn’t know much about this kid.
Ultimately, OP is best served not comparing her kid to other people of whom she only has passing, second hand knowledge.
OP It’s rough - I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this. I always felt that we were really lucky that a kid a few years ahead of ours experienced the reality of just how tough the admissions game can be. The 4.0 1600 valedictorian really helped my kids realize you can do everything right- and schools can still choose other kids. We also watched for 4 years a certain school take our athletes and no one else. Neither of our kids applied - it’s rough out there. I hope your son ends up where they will thrive.
OP- hugs to you. I’m sure by now you guys have dusted yourselves off and are on to the next stage of finishing up applications for RD, etc.
Wanted to offer a different perspective- I WAS the kid who got accepted to a highly rejective school (less rejective “back in the day”, but still-- many of my classmates were rejected; even a few of my teachers were astonished). At my very big and diverse HS class rank was known and published; other students with much higher ranks were rejected. Other students with “leadership” ( club presidents, etc.) were rejected. I was not a joiner and so I had none of these things on my application.
I had a few out of school activities, EC’s, etc. which demonstrated something that this college wanted- longstanding volunteer commitments (which my HS knew nothing about), out of classroom intellectual activities/engagements (which my HS knew nothing about) and off-beat academic interests inline with my activities but had nothing to do with my HS. I also had-- miraculously- sky high test scores-- which my classmates knew nothing about since I didn’t talk about them.
One classmate actually said “A dumb&*(% like YOU got into college XYZ?” and I had to grit my teeth and respond “well maybe they made a mistake”.
My point? Nobody knows what another kid’s application looks like. Nobody knows what teachers say about another kid (or about their own kid, but that’s a different story).
Best to move on, recognize that an acceptance rate of 10% (or whatever the number is) means a rejection rate of 90%-- and that most of those rejected will have applications equal to or superior to those who get accepted. That’s how the numbers break down.
I hope you guys are eating a lot of ice cream and feeling better about the process…
I think this is probably the best advice offered. We are only in the phase of selecting colleges to visit. D will start college Fall 2026. But she and I have already had these conversations. We are considering applying to some very competitive schools and with that comes the knowledge that she most likely won’t get in to them. I have told her (and myself) to trust the process. To trust the admissions committees ability to determine best fit. That’s their job. I believe they know better than we do.
Now, that’s very easy to say when we are still 10 months away from submitting applications. I can promise you I will feel (“feel”is the key word here) differently when we are all emotionally invested in the outcomes. I know I will feel anger and bitterness and disappointment. I’m trying to anticipate that now and really hope I’m able to dig into a more rational mindset during that time. Much easier said than done!!!
I do want to say congrats on all your son has accomplished. Best of luck to you both!
Kindly keep the discussion focused on the OP. Thank you for your understanding.
To be clear, we’re not asking.
If you want to start a tread in the cafe for your off-topic conversations, feel free. But such posts are subject to deletion without comment on this thread.
You can’t compare your child’s HS to a very low ranked HS. Or any other, for that matter. Each school is unique. College admissions officer get a school profile, which indicates how many AP courses are offered, how many kids take them, percentage of students who graduate, go to college, etc… The 4.0 kid from the “very low ranked” school might be facing difficulties your average excellent kid might never encounter. Getting a 4.0 might be a great achievement there. So maybe flip it around and tell your son to be happy for that kid.
We see posts like this every year. Our kids become adults. At this stage, they need to accept that disappointment is part of life.
Edit: Yes, all the college cares about is itself. That’s the whole point. If they are super selective, they are going to choose whoever they feels best reflects their values and fills gaps they are looking to fill.
Another perspective…
Almost any student applying to tippy top colleges can expect disappointment. These colleges reject 90%+ of applicants. So the correct header should be “helping child deal with expected results.” The unexpected result is getting in.
Trust me, many of us on this forum have been in your shoes.