<p>Earlier this week, my daughter’s best friend - a boy - was killed suddenly in a bus/bicycle collision. Needless to say it was a terrible, horrible shock. Just unreal, beyond belief. One minute he’s here and the next, gone.</p>
<p>She went back to school to be with her other friends, we have visited the boy’s family, visited his memorial site. We downloaded songs that she knew he loved, got a library book on dealing with teen grief. I’ve encouraged her to talk about him as much as she wants. He was her very best friend, they felt they were soulmates, and had many plans for the future together.</p>
<p>It breaks my heart to see her heart broken. What else can I do to help her? I know it will take a lot of time. My husband lost his younger (teenage) brother in an auto accident 23 years ago and he’ll never get over it. I’ve heard it said that you never get over it, but you do get used to it.</p>
<p>I wish I had some advice, but only just sorrow for your daughter. Encouraging her to write (or paint or draw), talking when she wants to, and just holding her close are things that come to mind for me, but I think you have started off on the right foot. You must miss him, too. It’s true that don’t “get over” it, but you do find a place for that treasured person in your heart.</p>
<p>There are no short cuts, as you know. The only suggestion I have to offer is that you remind her that there is no fixed time frame for grief, and that the only way is through it; we can’t go around it. </p>
<p>As the mom, you know how fortunate and rare it is that she had a friendship like hers with the young man. In time, she will treasure that. I hope that knowing this will make her pain a little easier for you to bear.</p>
<p>Our hospital sponsors free grief counseling. Here they meet for a certain number of weeks and are segregated into male and female groups and led by a social worker. At the one I attended most of the attendees were spouses, but there was also a young woman who had lost her father and a woman who had lost her brother. The meetings were very worthwhile. If there is something specifically for teens in your area that would be even better.</p>
<p>I am so sorry, OM. THe suggestion of grief counseling is a good one. Hospices often offer these, as well. Many groups are specific to children or teens. These are not just for family/friends of people who have died from cronic illness. The aftermath of grieving for those lost in tragic accidents or violence is also a hospice outreach.</p>
<p>The things you have already done sound very appropriate and thoughtful - it is obvious you are really looking out for your daughter and being there for her. My only advice would be to ask people who are close to her to be around her and there for her when she needs support. Some days she may need her mom, the next a girlfriend, the next a wise relative. Somedays she may need to be alone. </p>
<p>My heart goes out to you. DD lost 2 friends in 2 years to gun violence, one at VA Tech. What helped the most was the grief counseling at the school and the gathering of friends. The friends supported each other, did activities together, organized memorial events and kept the face book pages going. They watched out for each other, too, if one seemed to become too depressed. I am worried more since this year she is so far away from all the support systems as those “anniversaries” happen. Support her if she participates with her friends in any of these activities. Just be there and listen and provide the grief counseling.</p>
<p>I’m so sorry! Keep assuring your daughter that the friendship was real and nothing can ever take it away, and that in some sense they can never be parted – he will always be part of whatever she does from now on.</p>
<p>Grieving has seasons. Not for her, but for you, I recommend My Year of Magical Thinking by Joan Didion and Grief Observed by C.S. Lewis. Two of our greatest writers discussing their seasons of grief.</p>
<p>Oh, I wish I could give you both hugs because I know that for a mother watching your daughter hurt so much is agonizing too.</p>
<p>stickershock - you are correct about hospice agencies offering free grief counseling, and you don’t have to have had a loved one on their services to utilize them. FYI for parents and school administrators out there, whenever there is some sort of traumatic death involving school students (whether it be high school or college), hospice grief counselors are usually available to provide crisis counseling. Someone just needs to contact an agency and ask. However, in many cases, once an agency is aware of a school-related crisis, their bereavement department usually contacts the school first to let them know of their availabililty. I know that this last week with the NIU shooting, our agency was in contact with the school (I was actually out of town so I don’t know the extent of the involvement but there was something written up in the paper about our agency offering support).</p>
<p>To the OP, when D1 was at school her freshman year, less than a week into being gone, a good friend was killed in a car wreck. So we flew her home for a few days (thankfully it was over the long Labor Day weekend) to be with friends and attend the funeral. I was definitely worried about her going back, especially given she hadn’t really had time to make any new friends. But I will say to this day (she’s a senior), her best friends in college became those who, upon her return, helped her get through that difficult time. They stepped up to the plate and were there for her. Your daughter will get through this, and find her own way to grieve, and her own support system will unfold as it’s meant to be. I think sometimes we jump the gun too quickly when it comes to grief, and think when someone experiences a close loss that they immediately need professional help. Unless she’s expressing some pathological reaction, trust her that she will work through this with the support of many different people (yourself included) and that if she needs outside support, she will indicate that to you (or you will instinctively suspect it). If she were at home with her high school friends and they were all attending a group, she’d be more likely to participate. But she might not be as willing at school, where no one else knew the friend.</p>
<p>I agree with mythmom that you, too, also need to be aware of how you process your own grief of this tragedy. If your daughter was that close to this young man, then it’s most likely you felt a strong attachment to him, too, and you will grieve his loss. Find someone to process your feelings with, too, so that you’re available for your daughter when she needs you.</p>
<p>My friend’s daughter went through a similar experience. She felt very alone, while surrounded by friends. I would suggest your daughter not wait to get some sort of grief counseling.</p>
<p>Oh Oregonianmom - it brought tears to my eyes just reading your post. When my daughter was 16 her boyfriend, who had also been her best friend before they started dating, was killed in an accident at the place they both worked at. It was her first experience of death and she had a terrible time dealing with it. We too struggled with how to help her through it. She was due to start at a state math/science boarding school 4 weeks later which she insisted on doing - something I still think was a mistake as she was separated from those that cared about her…</p>
<p>First I would second the advice of getting her to go to some sort of grief counseling. My daughter was quite resistant to this idea. In her case after 6 months she was still having problems sleeping and we sent her to a child psychiatrist who specialized in grief counseling. We were away on vacation when the accident happened and there was a lot of guilt - if she had been there something different might have happened etc. When she tried to sleep she would constantly dream of the accident - sometimes she would be herself just watching, sometimes trying to help, sometimes she was actually her friend going through it. She was terrified of going to sleep because the nightmares would start. The counseling really helped her start to deal with it and move on.</p>
<p>As far as friends are concerned it is very difficult. She had friends who really reached out to her and helped her cope. She had others, some very close, that avoided her like the plague. That hurt incredibly and to this day she has not been able to be close to those friends. The biggest thing you can do is be available to talk whenever she needs you. But she does need someone who is not family and who did not know her friend. As my daughter told us later she found it hard to talk to us because she knew she was upsetting us. She could be completely open with the counselor because she knew revealing the depths of her despair did not hurt him.</p>
<p>I remember wishing and wishing for time to fly by quickly because I knew it was really the only thing that would ease her pain. We were talking the other day and she admits that, 2 1/2 years later, she still thinks about him every day. Even if they had not still been together as boyfriend/girlfriend he should be at college and 19 years old and enjoying his life. He was the kindest sweetest boy and I still think of him frequently as well. I don’t think the sadness ever quite goes away but it does ease and is not the constant companion it currently is. She actually went lap swimming the other day for the first time since he died (they were on the swim team together) and she said it actually felt the most at peace she had been in two years.</p>
<p>I wish I could reach through the computer and give you and your daughter a big hug. Please persuade her to find someone to talk to. And let her know you are there even at 3 in the morning if she needs you. And look after yourself too. It hurts like heck to see your child in so much pain.</p>
<p>I heard someone on NPR who said recently the most helpful thing anyone said when his Dad died was “You will never get over it, but you will get used to it.” </p>
<p>I agree with the thought that she need someone who is removed from the situation to talk to. She needs to be able to express all her feelings- as much as she is ready to- even if they are negative or strong.</p>
<p>If she isn’t ready- that is fine- but I would still suggest that she meet with someone and periodically touch base with them.</p>
<p>It may take a while before she is ready- particulary since this was a friend who left suddenly & she has had zero time to prepare for it.</p>
<p>Death also seems at least for me to have a snowball effect. With every new death of distant acquaintances or close relative- all the other deaths are remembered and mourned. Which can be hard to deal with- but I am trying to get to a place where that means that I appreciate the people that are here more.</p>
<p>In grief counseling one of the things they suggest is to remember the good times, the good memories. Try not to focus on the loss itself. If you can help your daughter focus on the wonderful times she and her friend had, perhaps it will help.</p>
<p>Thank you for your messages and ideas. My daughter is 14 and her friend was 15. I did not know him very well, since most of the time they spent together was during school and hanging out together after school. She talked about him to me constantly, so I feel like I knew him through her, and he was a remarkable young man. On top of this, her grandpa (my father-in-law) died a few days later. He had been ill for quite some time, so it was not a shock, but the timing was rough.</p>
<p>Edit to add: my original post almost sounds like my D was in college when I said she “went back to school.” What I meant was she immediately went to school the next day and for the rest of the week after the accident on Monday. She didn’t want to stay home and cry. The school counselors have been trying to talk to her, but she doesn’t want to talk to them yet.</p>
<p>Then she IS with her friends, who can be a good support system for her. Sometimes it’s hard to let our kids’ friends be their support system because we’ve always been it. But it’s a positive experience for learning that people other than our parents can be there for us. Also, given you were not that close with him, she may prefer to talk and be with kids who did know him. I say give her space initially and let her find her own inner resources for dealing with it. Being at school, with others who knew him was probably the best place for her to be.</p>