I thought maybe we needed a thread about this…I’ll start.
My dad was terrific, and discussed his (small) estate with all of his kids (4 of us). When he wanted to deed his house to one sibling, the rest of us agreed (she had never lived anywhere else. And the house wasn’t worth a huge amount). When he wanted to title his car to one nephew, we all said it was fine. Very easy going.
My MIL, OTOH, refuses to discuss her will, estate, etc with anyone. One of her kids manages her bank accounts and pays the bills, so she knows the asset values. Everyone else is in the dark. Some of these kids have indicated that they would like rights of first refusal on some items, and the MIL has said NO. At this point, no one wants anything at all from her estate. She has been very difficult about this.
When her mom passed, she left 1/6 of the house each to my sister and myself.
The other 2/3 went to her daughter. And there was some small amount of cash as well - $10 or 20K.
My dad was upset because had my mom been alive, the split likely would have been 50/50 instead of my aunt getting, really more than 2/3 and my mom’s heirs less than 1/3.
I remember saying to my dad - it was her money and house and she could do with it what she wants.
And I think that’s true of anyone - including myself. If I/we wanted to balance one kid over another or give to nephews or the neighbor, it’s our right.
And I think the same about this situation.
If she doesn’t want to discuss it, why bring it up?
In the big picture, has MIL usually taken such an approach, not wanting to discuss end of life or financials?
Or is it a change in her behavior? Perhaps she is just keeping on with her financials as the FIL would have done?
I was lucky with my own parents as they had all their affairs in order and were pretty open with how they wanted things to go.
Had some issues recently with a family member with no children and no will who refused to discuss. It was a mess. People were left having to guess her wishes both for health care decisions and finances.
My approach typically tends to be: “This kind of planning is to just ensure that your wishes will be honored. Here’s the name of an attorney who can help you make sure things happen the way you want if you don’t want to talk to us about it.”
I also think stressing that no one needs to know the details of what’s in the estate can be important for someone who values their privacy. For someone who cares about $, reminding them that a good estate plan can also ensure less taxes to the government could be an extra incentive to plan ; )
In the end though, you can’t make someone do what they don’t want and while probate is a giant PIA, it’s not the end of the world either.
It’s always interesting how some people are one extreme or another - wanting to have everything in place, spelled out and nice and tidy - everything off the list as set! Others don’t want to deal with it, face the task or share with anyone their business.
Does she have a will and things in place but just doesn’t want to discuss it? I guess that’s a step forward than having nothing at all in place…
Fortunately most family has been agreeable to reviewing estate plans. One is somewhat evasive. My speech was along the lines of “You’re going to potentially dump a lot of work on someone without a plan. Help them out today while you can.”
Are our own actions affected when we do know what our parents’ estate plans are?
Human nature being what it is, wouldn’t it be hard not to get jealous or, feel entitled, or, want to turn a blind eye to avoid confrontation or avoid deciding?
Can we trust our parents are still of sound mind to do as they wish with their stuff?
I’m updating my own estate plans and trying to consider my family’s point of view.
Is a current plan good enough? Is intestate good enough if a will can’t be found?
My dad passed away in May and I am the “lucky” executor. Fortunately, he had his affairs in good order and I was aware of what accounts he had and how much they were worth. His papers were well organized and easily accessible. My sister and I were co-beneficiaries on his investment accounts so distributing the cash was straightforward. I am now just waiting for probate on his house and to access his bank account. I can’t imagine dealing with all of this if he hadn’t been organized. Even with the organization it is still a pain in the neck - hunting down and cancelling subscriptions etc. As my sister and I are close we haven’t had any issues with distributing belongings - if folks think that will/could be an issue it is better for the parent to spell out who gets what somewhere. If not, it could really engender some hard feelings.
In discussions with my siblings and elders, I find fear, trust, indecision, and contradictions are factors that shut down the updating of estate plans.
When I acknowledge the emotions, the ambivalence,and listen more without criticizing, then they may share their latest estate plans.
I’m sorry for your loss and the task. It is a kind of service to respectfully take care of one’s loved one’s things. I agree it can be so tedious, burdensome and bewildering.
Yes. But for elders who might want some guidance, well-meaning children need to be careful about the extent of their involvement in the process. Here in Tennessee, for example, one of the indicia of undue influence in the preparation of a Last Will and Testament is whether a beneficiary was involved in getting the decedent to/from a lawyer who prepared the LWT, and whether the beneficiary was present when the terms of a potential LWT were discussed with the lawyer. Even if the elder parent might say, “Oh, they can just sit in while we discuss it,” this is something that could come out in a will contest and potentially be a factor in getting the LWT set aside.
When it came time for my mother-in-law (the only surviving parent on either side) to update her estate plans, my wife gave her the name of a lawyer whom we knew who had an estate planning practice; my mother-in-law drove herself to the lawyer, and my wife and I stayed away and stayed out of that process. (Although I am a lawyer, I completely stayed out of my MIL’s estate planning – I had no idea what was in her LWT, nor did I care; I just wanted to avoid anyone accusing me or my wife of undue influence in the preparation of the LWT). Fortunately my MIL was sufficiently able, both physically and mentally, to get to/from the lawyer who prepared her LWT, and to execute everything without assistance from me or my wife. I did encourage my MIL to share copies of her LWT with my wife and her sister, so that everything was above-board and there was no reason for anyone to later point fingers.
Now, if my MIL had elected to disregard the advice about updating her LWT or what to do with it once executed, then I would have simply kept my mouth shut and let the chips fall however they would. It might make more work down the road for someone else, but that’s life.
You are indeed fortunate in how your late father arranged his affairs! There was a recent article in the Wall Street Journal from a few weeks back about the difficulties that people who are named as executors may face in estate administration.
Today I’m at Moms organizing and packing for auction house pickup tomorrow.
My sibling predeceased Mom and my nieces inherited her share. I have no relationship with them and I am executor/trustee. They’ve acted like vultures picking at a carcass. Mom wanted her grandchildren to have certain items and it’s been painful to listen to these entitled brats laugh at these sentimental gifts. One took a crockpot I’d loaned Mom and an 8 track player that I know doesn’t work and I’m not sure why mom kept it.
I took care of Mom in the sense I helped her with her finances, estate planning, home maintenance, driving her - for 17 years after Dad died. It’s hard not to feel bitter about an even split, but I am trying very hard to remind myself of everything my parents did for me during their lives. I never interfered in Moms plans and have a clear conscience and no regrets for the time I spent with her and they didn’t.
In my experience, there’s a difference between getting involved with urging them to get things set and organized BEFORE they pass and wanting to know how they choose to distribute assets. The latter is, as others point out, is none of anyone’s business.
The former, however (again, in my experience with both my parents, and now my MIL) is imperative in order to avoid the red tape and hassles involved with going through a loved one’s estate. The path to distributing assets (regardless of how they are distributed) should be as clean cut as possible. Naming beneficiaries, putting assets into family trusts, adding children to bank accounts, having comprehensive lists with account info - all these things should be done ahead of time. Sometimes you have to push a parent to do it but it eliminates any hard feelings afterward, of having to deal with a big mess after that person is gone.
@sabaray I’m sorry for what you are going through - I can totally relate. My mom passed in March and specifically disinherited me (no hard feelings, according to her will, she just felt that my step-sibling needed it more). She did however name my husband as executor - so while I was cut out, my husband has to do the work of closing everything down and distributing. It’s hard not to be bitter - I agree - especially when the step-sibling is making she gets every last thing - even my mother’s jewelry. She doesn’t even have the moral decency to let me choose one thing. I have a box of random pictures that my aunt sent me - that’s it. She also regularly harasses my husband about when she’s going to get all the money. I hope he decides to take a fee for being executor.
MIL doesn’t like to talk about it but at least we gotten her to form a trust and move assets into it. My husband will be the executor and trustee. His brothers are extremely financially irresponsible and will blow through their inheritances quickly. He talked about setting up the trust to issue smaller regular payments to his brothers, but they balked at that - so he’ll just give them their lump sum and they can have at it.
I’m sorry you’re having to go through this. Your husband absolutely needs to take whatever fee is allowed for being the executor, or I’m going to come right out of this computer screen and bite him!
everything off the list as set! Others don’t want to deal with it, face the task or share with anyone their business.