Helping forever-young kid become an adult

limabeans · February 13, 2011, 2:37pm

I need some advice about my son, a college grad. He has many issues. which reach all the way back to his birth, (premature, underweight, under stress in utero, etc.) He has ADD and Asperger’s, and very high anxiety level. He’s quite gifted, so I know he’s got the abilities, but his anxiety hinders him. He’s also very high maintainence, probably because he doesn’t care and I do.

Here’s the problem: even though he graduated last spring and has been bumping along with a part time job and he still needs to grow up, but how? when? Work is a step in the right direction, but he’s not so sure he wants more than P/T work. We know he needs to keep busy, but at the same time, he’ll need a nurturing work environment, which is hard to find in today’s world. At the same time, we pay for everything: car, gas, insurance (health and car), phone, food, haircuts, clothes. In fact, if we didn’t pay for these things, he says he’ll simply go without.

Right now, he has lost his glasses and refuses to pay for a replacement pair. My DS says he’ll do without, and if he can’t drive to his work (because he needs them to see distances), then he’ll quit. I’m going to guess some of you think we should charge him rent, or at least not pay for so much. We’re okay with these expenses, but my DH is drawing the line on paying for those glasses. We feel he has so many challenges and we just want to see that he’ll “go” in the right direction, but at the same time, we want him to start to grow up and take responsibility for his own needs.

How do you switch from being a nurturing parent to someone who gets your forever-young kid to become an adult? I’m not the tough0love, Tiget-mother kind, but is that what it takes? What should those ground rules be? What’s an appropriate time line for him? Is it me that needs changing or it is my son?

nysmile · February 13, 2011, 3:34pm

Look into getting him social security benefits and medicaid for his diagnosis of Asperger’s.

HImom · February 13, 2011, 3:50pm

Glasses, especially at a place like Costco can be extremely inexpensive. Since he needs the glasses to drive, you would probably need to go to a place like Lenscrafters that only takes about an hour. I pay for the glasses of our college grad (actually it was a condition of him getting our used car that he’d pay auto insurance, maintenance and gas). I do NOT pay for his clothing–if he wants, he purchases or does without (as your S suggests).

What is his current job? How far does it stretch compared with his expenses? What are the prospects for him to continue there or get to full time? What does our S see for HIMSELF? Is he content? What does he see for his future?

In what way is your S “high maintenance”? What happens if you and/or H decide to “stop maintaining” him?

Does the college he graduated from offer any suggestions? Help with placements? Is it that he CAN’T work full-time or he hasn’t found a job that offers it? Asperger’s is such a broad category, it needs to be more defined as to what for HIM it allows/prohibits and how much/little supervision he needs to function in society.

What does your state offer? Our state has very little that it offers most folks but some states do offer more outreach & help. Good luck!

Cardinal_Fang · February 13, 2011, 4:00pm

Yes, you do need to set ground rules. I suggest, if it’s at all possible, that you and he, or if necessary you alone, work with a cognitive behavior therapist to set up goals, rules, consequences and timelines.

With his deficits, he’ll take longer to fledge than a neurotypical kid, but he can still grow and develop. You have to set up the structure so he can make progress.

geogirl1 · February 13, 2011, 4:12pm

Just like everyone else in the world, kids with Aspergers have individual strengths and weaknesses. Your DS may be able to live by himself and learn to be self sufficiant, or he may not. I suggest finding a social worker or life coach that has experience working with Asperger’s kids. They can get to know your DS and help you both figure out what he is capable of. They may be able to help you and your DH get on the same page too.

I think it will be a lot of small baby steps that gets him from where he is today to where you all think he can get to. It will probably take years. Setting goals and being proactive will be much better than being responsive to negative situations (like the glasses thing). Being smart doesn’t mean much if you can’t show up to work everyday or if your job requires 10% brain power and 90% organization, communication, and busy work.

Good luck on this next step of your journey. I agree with a previous poster, apply for the federal aid your DS should receive (SSI?). Begin the transition from child to adult, but just be aware of what you are actually working toward and how long it will take.

^^ cross posted with CF. What he said!

lookingforward · February 13, 2011, 4:18pm

At a certain point, every kid needs to learn life skills. You may decide to gain him these skills gradually, but it’s needed. With one of mine, still incollege, we had to ask for 1/2 her summer paychecks. We carefully set the money aside in an account she couldn’t touch for movies, clothes, pizza. Then, when she needed to replace glases, pay for some extra, it came from that. She had the chance to see the funds grow and know they would go to her use. We had taken away her freedom of choice, to force the lesson. She doesn’t have Asperger’s, but may have mild ADD. I see this as an example of backwards-training. She could not have forward planned to set aside funds- and maintained that- but once she saw the actual results, she was able to incorporate the saving on her own.

The knowledge that you are always there to cover expenses, provide shelter, etc, is comforting- but doesn’t encourage positive steps. Try something small, to start.

nysmile · February 13, 2011, 4:20pm

Seriously look into whether or not he qualifies for SS benefits and medicaid. He won’t be able to live off of the SS benefits, but it will help subsidize some of his expenses. My friend’s son (Aspie) was recently approved and is now receiving these benefits. His mother has been assigned to oversee the money and must meet with SS once in a while to show them documentation of expenses paid through the account.

Tough love isn’t going to make him grow up any faster. Issues related to his Asperger’s are going to be lifelong, but he can learn skills to manage many of them. You do need to set boundaries and reasonable expectations for him. He will gain many skills needed for independent living, but he may always need someone to make sure he’s on track.

ldinct · February 13, 2011, 5:36pm

I have two thoughts-

eyeglassfactoryoutlet.com $40 for single vision glasses (if that’s what he needs) I use them all the time for my add H

ADD & anxiety meds can be incredibly useful for these type of kids, not to suggest anything to you.

Some kids have the capabilities to make it on their own, others do not. It would be good to know what is possible.

My heart goes out to you. It is a long road.

limabeans · February 13, 2011, 8:29pm

Thanks all for your suggestions.

nysmile: We would not ever file for medicaid or SS benefits. He’s quite capable to work and he needs work to get himself out of the house and relating to people. In fact, if he ever found out he “could” do this, he’d never work, but he’d also never get out of the house or ever do anything productive with his life.

HImom: I call my son “high maintenance” because he’s so darn needy. He’d forget to shower, and recently when he went on a job interview, I had to remind him to shave too. And yes, I tied his tie. But, he’s also so depressed that I often checking in on him. He gets grumpy and tell me to go away, but I know he needs that people interaction. About getting a job: his small college doesn’t have a Guidance Center. What he struggles with most is advocating for himself. So imagine him on an interview. He has a hard time talking about himself. The job he has now is way below what he is capable of doing, but it’s at least something.

CF: he sees a therapist. Actually he and I go together, in part, because he’s so reluctant to talk.

geogirl: showing up to work is one of his strengths. He likes routine and structure, so he’s terrific about always getting to work on time (regardless of the snow!)

idinct: he’s on all sorts of meds, which have helped to some extent. Years ago, he also saw a cognitive behavior therapist, but that was a waste of money. Thanks for the eyeglass site. That cheered him up. This is a long road, I know. But somehow I keep thinking that if he could only find some full time job, he could start to settle into his next phase of life. This time of uncertainty makes it so hard.

HImom · February 13, 2011, 8:43pm

My limited understanding is that there are HUGE difference among counselors and perhaps it would be worthwhile to look for a counselor/coach that has experience with children like your S. Perhaps you can ask around for referrals. What state/area of the country do you live in? Is there a nearby CC or U that has a placement department where he can consider some of the jobs they have advertised? How about your department of labor?

I don’t know how much good or harm a full-time job would be for your S, but if he is very depressed, it might be better for him to work on that while he works full time instead of expecting a full-time job which it doesn’t sound like he’s held before to help work out his other issues.

What are his strengths? Could he volunteer in something he is interested in? Does he like computers? Tech? Libraries? They could all probably use volunteers in connection with these areas at HS/CC and other areas; they sometimes hire from their volunteer staff when there is funding and it would help keep him in touch with others.

nysmile · February 13, 2011, 8:51pm

OP–Please don’t take offense at the idea of looking into SS benefits and medicaid. These programs are in place to help adults with disabilities who have a very difficult time getting hired, maintaining a job, earning enough money to cover basic living expenses, and affording medical care. He may need these services once he transitions to living in his own apartment and it takes time and paperwork to get these services in place.

limabeans · February 13, 2011, 10:01pm

^ I didn’t even realize this was available to someone like my son. He is, after all, a college graduate and aren’t many kids struggling to find a job? (Besides, he doesn’t have debt and we pay for everything.) I guess what worries me more is that he’d forever live on a welfare system, allowing someone else to care for him (in this case, the government) rather than growing up and taking care of himself. I work for many people who are the edge of poverty and it’s not a happy place.

HImom · February 13, 2011, 10:46pm

Yes, I serve a lot of people who have to balance their need for medication vs. their other necessities–food, rent & other essentials. It is tough. I agree that it would be good to inquire about what is available for your S as it can take some time to get him to qualify and set things up i the event that anything ever happens to you & your H.

Do you have other family members that can/will look after your S? It might be good to consider some estate planning as well. Our neighbor has a S with MDystrophy & they have set up a trust and given all their property to that S so he can care from his disabled brother after they are gone. They have protected the assets in case the non-disabled brother marries. It is something to consider as well. As time goes on, the disabled brother needs increasing amounts of care & both currently live with their parents.

The MD neighbor has taken & continues to take art courses and paints & used to sculpt. The other S works part-time at 7-11 and helps with the care of his brother (Medicaid/SS reimburses him some for his care of his disabled brother, so he can remain living at his home rather than being institutionalized.)

Another friend bought a very large home that she currently rents out the bottom floor to students. She plans in the near future to convert it into a group home that her disabled S that has Downs Syndrome can live while working part-time with other well-functioning disabled adults and perhaps a couple that checks up on the them and sets up a few social activities. She also wants to be sure he has a good living situation and isn’t a burden on his adult sibblings and has a good quality of life while she can live elsewhere and visit often. This is also something to investigate and consider.

oldfort · February 13, 2011, 10:48pm

limabeans - Please don’t think I am putting your son in the category as this example I am going to tell you.

A very good friend of mine has an older brother who has a disability. He seems to be very bright, but he can’t take care of himself or hold down a real job. Their parents are fairly well off. They could easily have the son live at home and support him for most of his life. Instead, they moved him out to a nice apartment close by. Because of his disability (I am not sure what it is), he is able to have a social worker check on him on a regular basis, and they were able to to get a part time job for him at a store. He also goes to a center to socialize when he is not working. His parents pay for most of his expenses. They also have a trust fund set up for him to support him when they are no longer around.

The reason our friend’s parents decided to set him up at his own apartment, even though it would be easier for him to live at home is they don’t want the son to be a burden to their daughters someday. They want to know that he could live on his own before they move on.

They’ve had few mishaps over the years with the son (my friend was called at work one time when her brother walked off the job and they had to look for him, and they also found out that he couldn’t clean his apartment so they got a cleaning service for him), but he is working, he has his own circle of friends, and he is basically happy.

limabeans - I am not sure where your son is on a scale of being self reliant. Whether he is able to pay for everything himself or need some help from you, you may want to consider in moving him to his own place, so he could start living on his own. You could monitor how he is doing, and also allow him to grow up to be self sufficient. By living at home, with you paying for everything, there is no need for him to grow up.

limabeans · February 14, 2011, 12:04am

Thanks oldfort for your post. I just can’t figure out where this kid fits in. We never thought of our son as so disabled. As I wrote, he’s a college graduate with a 3.5 gpa and a “superior IQ”. He struggled during college because it seemed too overwhelming, but eventually he settled into a small LAC and all was fine.

He doesn’t think like the rest of us. For instance, I remember he thought that once he went away to college, he wasn’t expected to return. He used to say he was planning on living in a homeless shelter after college. More recently, we had him attend a support group that had young adults who had issues, mostly bipolar, but he just didn’t relate to the group at all. He doesn’t mesh with either side of the coin: he’s too immature to make it on his own, but he’s too able to be monitored by a social worker.

One big fear I have is that he’s incredibly vulnerable. If someone told him he’s incapable to doing something, he’d accept that. So if he was only working a part time retail job, and we had paid for his apartment, he’d accept that. But, if we tell him he belongs out in the “real world” getting a “real” job, he’d probably do that.

Or maybe, I haven’t given up the hope that one day he’ll grow up.

emeraldkity4 · February 14, 2011, 1:52am

Oh darn- I thought this thread was going to be about how to finally get husbands to grow up once & for all.

HImom · February 14, 2011, 1:52am

Might he fit in to a semi-college type living situation? I have a friend who rents out rooms to college students (& would probably rent to other young adults). It’s slightly more structured than living on their own, as she’s there & the other young adults are around, they share some kitchen space but are more autonomous than in a dorm setting but less than in an apartment. I believe there are other similar living situations – perhaps one of those might be suitable for your S, as long as you vet the landlady/landlord so s/he can keep her eyes & ears open.

How did he manage in college and not be hampered by other’s expectations of him? I know college is a somewhat protected environment, but it is still semi-independent.

Emaheevul07 · February 14, 2011, 2:39am

I am an aspie in my last year of college myself, and I could relate to this. We had no idea I even had autism until last year, but as soon as I had to go off on my own we started to realize how disabled I really am. It is still something I grapple with, and my mom even more so. It never occurred to us that I would have any problem jetting off across the ocean to live and work alone, or do whatever I wanted, I was always so smart and independent-- nobody saw it until I actually tried it, and now it is trial and error to find my limits. I still don’t know what they are. I am intellectually brilliant (contrary to popular opinion :P) but you can’t use your intelligence to circumvent every obstacle in life, certainly not autism. You can’t let yourself get into the rut of thinking “well he’s so smart, how disabled can he be?” I also have a “superior” IQ, many aspies have GENIUS IQs-- that has /nothing/ to do with it, and the sooner you can understand that the easier it will be to help him. You need to look at what’s really in front of you and work from there, not from expectations based on how smart he is or what you THOUGHT he could do. That doesn’t mean give up, far from it, but just to attack it from a different direction. It’s much more effective than clinging to expectations that you don’t know yet whether or not he can meet, best to focus on what you know he can do at the present and build on those skills step by step, and then see how high he can reach as you go. It’s a self-defeating process otherwise. Comparing him to some imaginary standard you held in your head before you got to this point isn’t what is going to get him to the finish line.

I don’t know what advice to give you since I am the kid in this situation and I am just trying to figure out where /I/ fit, but it makes me cringe to hear you say he needs to “grow up.” It’s a lot deeper than that, and when my mom says that to me it’s extremely patronizing. I try really, really hard but there are some issues that I just deeply struggle with no matter how hard I try, and if I were a normal kid it would look like immaturity, but I am not normal and even though it doesn’t always look like it to my mom I work REALLY hard to cling to what progress I can make. Aspies are just as capable of being truly immature as a neurotypical child, it could be that your S is just immature, but do consider these sorts of things. It is hard to keep pushing yourself when your parents minimize your struggle to “childishness.” That right now is the NUMBER ONE barrier to my success. I need my mother’s help and she can’t stop reducing my problems to, “God, when are you going to grow up?”

HImom · February 14, 2011, 2:52am

Just wondering if it might be helpful for an objective source, such as a counselor who specializes in working with kids/families with aspergers to talk with the young adult and family involved to help work on a plan to help increase the young adult’s independence step by step, to help provide opportunties for increasing success for both sides. That might help lower the frustration level for the family and young adults, so that expectations of everyone will be reasonable and realistic.

It can be hard for parents and loved ones to know what IS and IS NOT realistic and reasonable if they don’t have enough experience and knowledge. It’s hard to help if loved ones don’t know how much to help and how much to encourage the young person to do unaided for him/her self.

limabeans · February 14, 2011, 1:44pm

Emaheevul07, thanks for your post. I don’t say to my son things like, “When are you going to grow up?” because that’s retorical question. How can he answer that? How does he feel when I say that to him?

But I do know he needs to grow up. I know he needs to see that part of growing up is paying for his necessities in life, like a haircut, that I pay for now. But here, we do things in tiny steps. I don’t scold him if he forgets to shower before going off to work, but instead, commend him for thinking about others and not just himself when he does it without being told.

Helping forever-young kid become an adult

CONNECT WITH US