S1 has coverage through his job, but is faced with dental work (non elective) that amounts to half his monthly take-home. His insurance will cover almost half. He has asked if we will pay the bill, and the he’ll give us the insurance payment when it arrives in a month or so, and installments on the balance. DH will , I expect, say no way – cash flow problems are learning opportunities. S1 is terrified of drawing down his limited reserves, which I find understandable, but I can’t tell if he’s panicking unnecessarily. He pays rent, utilities, insurance, gas, food, etc for himself. I do pay his phone bc we’re all in a plan together, the deal was he’d owe me for overages. S2, btw, has enormous medical bills …to the extent that we have a savings account accruing funds for him for after age 26.
So, do you pay any of your 20-somethings bills? His request seems reasonable to me, but maybe there’s a life lesson of don’t buy too many dinners out, or movie rentals here.
I think your son’s plan sounds reasonable. Our D1 does not have dental coverage at all and we have told her that we will pay 1/2 of her dental bills. Otherwise, I’m not sure that she would even go to the dentist. We also have covered her major car repairs (she is repaying us). This may change in the future as her income goes up, but right now she is struggling just to pay her regular monthly bills.
S1 is in grad school, living on student loans. We definitely help him out, paying his med coverage and most out-of-pocket costs that he has. The last thing I want is for him not to seek care because of money, or for him to become destitute because of medical care.
I guess it depends. I do think it’s a good life lesson to feel the hurt, so to speak. If you are paying down your reserves so he doesn’t have to, well then no I wouldn’t lend him the money. If it doesn’t hurt you and you don’t have any pressing needs for that money, then it’s your call.
My ex keeps our olde D on his phone plan because it’s almost free to do so. Until she got her own medical plan through the Affordable Care Act, he kept her on his insurance, too (she is under 26). He paid for any higher cost medical/dental care because the alternative was what? Not going for help or risk the bills going to collections? We had my son on our insurance for the same reason. He luckily didn’t ever need expensive treatment, but we’d have covered it.
OP, I do just want to be clear-your other son has significant medical needs and you do pay for those, but you think your husband would be unwilling to help S1 with NECESSARY dental work? I think your son’s plan is a good one and I hope your husband will agree to it.
My S had dental work done, he didn’t ask. But he had plenty in savings to pay for it as he had few expenses at the time. D went to a specialist of my H’s and we paid. She has more expenses and not as much in savings. I do think that kids need to learn to have savings and then use them when things come up. It’s an important life lesson.
If your S has the savings to pay but doesn’t want to run his savings down but is happy to run your savings down, then I would let him suffer a bit. But with the caveat that if something else comes up, you will be glad to help at that point.
It depends somewhat on the circumstances. Without knowing what your financial situation is, I can’t say what I would do. You know your sons spending habits better than we do. If he is the type of kid who is responsible with money, pays his bills on time and tries to save for a rainy day, and you can afford it, then I think his request is very reasonable. He is not asking you to give him the money and has given you a plan to repay it. If he is the type who drives a brand new $60,000 car while owing money on credit cards, than I would have second thoughts. Our oldest had a 6-month gap in medical insurance between school and his first job. We paid for a basic plan aimed more at major coverage to get him through that gap. Our thought was that if something disasterous and expensive were to happen to him during that time, we would end up paying any expenses rather than letting him die-obviously. The potential impact on our finances made it worth the minimal cost of insurance. He did not ask us to do so, but I know he would not have spent the money and it could have ended up costing us plenty! Our youngest has huge monthly prescription costs and fortunately is still on our insurance for another 7 years. When the time comes, we will help him out with costs if he needs it, assuming that he is a responsible adult and working (he is so far so it’s looking good.) You said the dental work your son needs is necessary. I would guess that if he doesn’t get it done, he could end up paying far more in the future to correct damage. I say it is a good investment in your son’s health. There are better ways to teach fiscal responsibility than withholding medical treatment, as long as you can afford to help.
Yes, I would pay the medical/dental expenses. Your son has a plan to pay you back. That is good.
We covered D until she was 26 and plan to do that for S, too. A recent dental bill for S was $200 (the rest covered by insurance) and he said he would pay us $50 each month. I told him to forget it. We are not rich, but we have more money than he does. When I told H, he agreed.
@sseamon , my husband’s approach is that S1 has enough to cover the bill, the insurance payment of 40% will arrive by the month’s end, and life as an adult means you pay lots of money you’d rather spend on other things. It’s not about the money per se, it’s ownership of your life. We have supported S1 financially in other ways, at other times. S2’s bills are covered by our insurance as he is under 26; we have a savings account for him for when that is no longer the case since there’s no way to know what insurance he might have and the costs are significant. Our sons both understand this is not an area where a score can be kept.
The problem with paying us back is that S1 is very, very bad at that sort of organizational task. And I don’t want it to be my job to nag him. But over the course of the day he has decided that maybe it would be easier to pay the bill, have us loan him 15% or so, wait for the insurance and “grit my teeth”.
If you think he may not repay you on time, I completely understand your reluctance. But if his paying would mean he’d be in danger of not meeting his rent or utilities, I would help out. You say that he has limited reserves and that the bill will be half his take home pay. Rent is usually half of one’s take home pay (as a guideline) so once he pays this bill, he may have nothing in the tank for other expenses. That would terrify me as well, and I have helped my kids with a small loan at time to stave off exactly that problem. I’d rather do that than have a kid skip needed medical care.
I think you’ve answered your own question. He’s bad at paying you back and you don’t want to nag. Let him figure it out.
Personally I think this is something as parents we need to get better at. At letting our kids become adults. It sounds like he makes plenty of money and it would be uncomfortable not impossible.
I’ve had expenses that were unexpected and painful at the time. Ive had to make changes to my spending habits to cover them.
^^^me, too. If it were up to me, I’d just pay the whole thing and be done!! It’s only money. But I am trying to learn how to be the best parent for my grown-ups, and my impulse to just do it myself, for them, isn’t always going to be right. I liked this parenting gig better when I could carry them under my arm and fix everything with a batman bandaid!
I don’t want my kids to postpone medical or dental work or care. We have offered to cover this. S doesn’t take us up in this as he has a great income and savings. D has no income, but pays out of savings.
I am sure we would pay as long as we were paid back. I would hate to think a kid who needed dental work might postpone the work because of the cost.
My S is graduating at the end of May and has taken a nice job with good salary & benefits. We are planning on keeping him on our health insurance but need to see what his company’s insurance plan is first. We have also decided to pay for his car insurance for awhile since it’s already budgeted for and his cell phone. H still wants to give him x amount of $'s a month just because he is our only and we can afford it. I think we should wait and see what his expenses are first. My son isn’t even the type of kid who asks for money very often now!
Fortunately, we don’t have to pay medical expenses for our Ds because we are all covered by universal healthcare. However, if we weren’t, I’m sure that we would pay for something like this. I wouldn’t want them postponing any type of healthcare issue.
@Greenbutton, I so agree about those Batman bandage days! Parenting was much simpler for me then.
In our case, we have paid for medical care for one of our adult kids and we’ve offered to cover some very costly treatments if the employer’s medical policy won’t pay for them. With serious health issues, the consequences of not taking advantage of the best possible treatment options are too dire. We’re fortunate that we can now afford to do this without compromising our retirement savings. It does make a difference in other spending; my clothes are old, we rarely go out and we economize in other ways. My DiL doesn’t seem to feel any compunction to restrain spending on shoes, purses, spa treatments, etc., and we’re aware that’s a source of conflict in their relationship. Dh doesn’t appreciate her attitude, but he still wants to pay for necessary health care.
One alternative in the case of the dental bill would be for S1 to put it on a credit card, paying off whatever the insurance reimburses and then paying the balance as quickly as possible in monthly installments. Yes, it will cost some interest but it will also help build a credit record. Seeing that bill each month until it’s been paid will be a reminder not to spend on non-necessities and will keep you from being a bill collector.
Assuming you can afford it, I’d definitely pay. Maybe remind him that it’s his obligation to remember the payments, and if he doesn’t, the next time you may say no. But anything health related is an easy decision for me.
This thread is very timely for me. D texted this afternoon to say that she was at the dentist with what she thought was a chipped tooth. Turns out its more than a chip - she needs a root canal and a crown. The dentist also thinks she’s got the same problem with another tooth. D is an inner city teacher and isn’t exactly raking it in. She has dental insurance, but it will only make a dent in her bill. I’ve been debating if we should offer to help her. She never asks for money. Part of me thinks this is a life lesson and she’ll have to work out her own payment schedule. In the meantime, her phone is also dying and she wanted to replace it. That’s not a real option now because of the dental work. However, her birthday is in a few weeks. I might offer her a phone for her birthday - so I guess I’d be helping with her dental bill - in a roundabout way.
Please remind your adult children to keep up with their regular dental visits and exams. D, who is 29, sheepishly admitted that she can’t remember when she was last at the dentist. I think it was when she was in college. She’s never needed more than a cleaning and I guess she figured she really didn’t need to go. If she had gone in the past several years, this problem could have been resolved when it was a small cavity. Its been an expensive (and painful) lesson for her to learn.
^ When I recently needed a crown (no root canal, thankfully) my out of pocket was a little more than $200. I have been told I have good dental insurance. If you can, Mansfield, I would offer to help. I have a really soft spot for young people working hard and trying to make it all work and a really soft spot for young teachers. They work so hard and their pay is usually quite low.