OP, my cousin (born Jewish) and her husband (not) didn’t have their son circumcised and they belong to a Reform congregation. FYI. The boy is 5 now.
Reform congregations aren’t doing undershorts inspections on their members. (Or, I guess, diapers.)
Probably not considered good form to lie to a rabbi one is asking to perform a ceremony for them.
@Pizzagirl, what it sounds like is insanity.
Nevertheless, I consider that a decision not to circumcise a male child is a perfectly reasonable one. If he grows up to be an observant Jew and wants to be circumcised, he can do it then.
If your D doesn’t want to circumcise her child, why have a bris? Perhaps what she really wants is some kind of naming ceremony. UUs have Child Dedication, which is NOT a christening, but it really is something that involves a family and their congregation. You could have a nice party and they could make up their own little ceremony/introduction of the child, that would be meaningful to them.
It all depends on what they actually want.
This thread confuses me. From a secular position, circumsion and vaccines or brushing your teeth are not even in the same ballpark, assuming the couple is living in a first world country.
As for kids deciding when they go to school…well, the Duggars are a pretty good example of how parental rights can absolutely cripple a child upon turning 18.
“Nevertheless, I consider that a decision not to circumcise a male child is a perfectly reasonable one. If he grows up to be an observant Jew and wants to be circumcised, he can do it then.”
Agree. Which is why I don’t get why it is the OP’s battle to fight. She’s concerned because the D wants a religious ceremony (I assume a brit milah) but doesn’t want the circ. OK, fine; but that then becomes between the D and the rabbi to work out or not. It simply doesn’t involve OP.
I’m confused as to what baby and what ceremony. She wants a religious wedding service in the US, but has no baby-? (“not happening yet.”) So what’s the rabbi asking? Or this is about a future baby, in which case you have plenty of time to see how things develop.
I think the difference between post 40 and the OP’s situation is that, in a typical Reform congregation, a couple has a boy baby, great – but no one really asks whether or not they are having the kid circ’ed, and if so, it might very well just happen in the hospital as opposed to a public ceremony. Here, the OP’s D seems to want some kind of public ceremony.
But she has no baby? So…?
So it’s overthinking. It’s borrowing trouble. It’s crossing the bridge before you come to it.
I just assumed the D was either pregnant or actively trying.
IMHO, as I suggested above, I think she and her H need to think about what they really WANT from this ceremony, instead of seizing on a known type of event that may be for another purpose.
I mean, isn’t a bris more or less confirming the pact of Abraham? (Please correct me if wrong!) If what they want is a naming, they might want to look at something else.
And of course, many if not most Jewish parents these days probably have it done in the hospital, not by a mohel.
What I get from the OP is that her D wants a religious wedding ceremony in the US for her side of the family. The rabbi wants to know if the future children will be raised Jewish, hence the circumcision question.
I agree that the D should find her own rabbi and answer the rabbi’s questions directly if she wants a religious ceremony. Mother should stay out of it.
^ What @cbreeze said
A purely practical suggestion, in terms of getting a rabbi: there’s a website that a couple of my friends have used called “UnOrthodox Celebrations.” It will ask you about your needs, and suggest a list of rabbis who can address them. The couple I know who used them to find their rabbi, for instance, were observant lesbians who wanted a rabbi on the traditional end (ie, would retain some of the precise language that more liberal rabbis typically dispense with) but who was willing to perform same-sex weddings. I don’t know how great their geographic range is – my guess is they don’t have rabbis in Sweden on board, although you never know – but they are worth checking out.
I know someone Jewish who didn’t have her son circumcised, but still had a baby-naming ceremony with a rabbi. And it’s not like when my son had his baby-naming ceremony, the rabbi did an inspection to make sure he’d been circumcised! Also, when my ex and I got married, I have no recollection that the rabbi asked us about our future plans in that regard. Of course, we were both Jewish.
OMDG, letting kids make decisions for themselves? Kids thrive on structure and routine. It gives them security. What a crock.
Rabbis ASK if male future children will be circumcised before they will do a wedding ceremony? Really?
Honestly…I’ve never heard of this. I was born and raised Jewish…conservative…and just asked a few friends who were married in the synagogue. They said they were never asked this question…ever before thy got married.
Speaking of which, apprentice prof - the only Brit Milah I’ve ever been to was this: our rabbi is a lesbian in a same sex marriage and she bore boy-boy twins. My H was her doctor throughout and delivered them. So naturally she had a public ceremony at the temple with hundreds of congregants, and my H was up on the bima doing the circ (with his back towards the audience so no one really could see what was going on) as she said the appropriate prayers. That was quite a high pressure performance! He does circs all the time in the hospital, of course, for Jews and non-Jews alike.
It’s the only time I’ve ever seen one, as my son had his done while he was already anesthesized for a surgery he had when he was a month old. He was in NICU for 2 months, and the requirement to circ within a certain time frame goes out the window if there is a medical complication. When you are 2 lb 5 oz every ounce counts! The surgeon did the circ but my H and FiL (also a physician) were in the OR and said the appropriate prayers.
I agree with the suggestions to find a rabbi who can compromise and do a blessing service rather than a bris. I have done blessing services for babies for whom baptism was inappropriate (ex if parents said they were not planning to fulfill the baptism vows).
If I understand correctly- there is NO BRIS- no baby, none on the horizon at this point. Rather, the rabbi was asking about the interfaith couple’s intentions as to whether they might follow Jewish tradition down the road, should they ever have a baby boy.