Hello, I’m 20, will be in 21 years old in the end of August and I’m in a relationship with a guy whose 20 years older than me. I already met his parents and one of his kids( he has 4 total: ranges from 17-4yr) and I hanged out with his family a couple of times. I seriously need help, because I really do like the guy, but I don’t know how to tell my family, especially my mom and dad that he’s 20 year older than me. My boyfriend keeps bringing up the fact that he hasn’t met my mom and he already began to plan future events with us together. ( EX He wanted to take me to Cancun after I graduate college and family/marriage). A part of me wants to wait a little bit longer before I tell my parents, but it will be kind of hard to sneak around with my boyfriend.
Don’t wait. Your parents may be happy that they don’t have to pay for your college anymore.
There doesn’t seem to be any benefit to putting off introducing your bf to your family. At 20, I wouldn’t be in a hurry to marry someone with 4 kids, even if he were closer to your own age.
OP, do you have student loans debt?
He’s 20 years older than me, what I should do?
Run.
Quit now while you are at least relatively ahead
Not that you aren’t a probably lovely young lady, but I would expect that a 40 yo man who wants to date and marry a 20/21 year old has his own issues. Presumably he had a relationship with a similarly aged person which resulted in the 17 yo and 4 yo child. He may feel that a younger woman will not be as jaded or as demanding.
I am sure you are more attractive than many middle aged ladies! But, of course, that is not what solid long term relationships are built on.
More concerning is that he is trying to lock you down so quickly. If he is truly in love with you, he should be happy for you to grow up naturally without pushing it. I wonder if he is concerned about you going out once you get to be 21 and feels threatened.
Please talk to your parents and best to you.
^ and ^^ and ^^^ agree. My college roommate married her professor at age 22 and 43. Thirty years later on Facebook they look like someone’s cute mom and a grumpy grandpa. She posts a lot about her many activities that don’t seem to include the old guy.
Of course you don’t want to tell your parents. If your parents care about your well-being they will probably be VERY against this relationship!
Whoa, slow down. You’re 20. He’s 40 (with 4 kids). He’s talking about marriage/family?? Your parents are going to be opposed to this for good reason.
This situation has bad news written all over it. Your too young and naive to see it and he’s manipulative enough to keep you from seeing it. I can’t imagine what on earth a 40+ yo man with 4 children has in common with a 20 yo fledgling adult. There is a reason he is 40+ with 4 kids and chasing 20 year olds and it isn’t one to brag about.
Thank you everyone that as respond! Your answers has really helped me a lot. I’m about to be going back to college soon in August ( I’m alike 1 1/2-2hrs away) so I’ll let just see if the long distance between will make us quit
And no I don’t need him to pay for my college, I’m not using my mom’s benefits from the military
I have three children: 26, 22, and 21. Two have graduated. One more to go.
I keep telling them to live life to the fullest: travel, spend time with friends, explore. I want my children to experience life.
At your age you are a baby, and I don’t mean any disrespect. You have just started your voyage into adulthood.
He seems to have corralled you and that makes me really suspicious and sad. Either he’s really immature, or you aren’t seeing it. Is this your first serious relationship?
So this is what I think:
You don’t need another Daddy; you already got one.
What 40 year old father of 4, has the TIME to be dating a 20 year old?
While he’s futzing around with a 20 year old, what’s he doing with and for his own 4 children? Is he supporting them by working? Is he making their dinners? Is he setting up tents at the scout camp? Is he reading stories or helping with homework every night? Is he coaching their games? Yes, you can do the previous things being divorced. If he’s not taking care of his own (which I suspect he isn’t), then he’s not fulfilling his responsibilities as a father and needs your butt as a full time babysitter.
One: Tell momma and daddy, now! You may not believe how much THEY LOVE YOU, but the DO!
Two: Finish school first. If he REALLY loves you, he’ll wait. If you begin to do part time schooling, for his needs, you will never graduate.
Three: Use contraception. Use contraception. Use contraception. Do not buy into: " If you really love me, we don’t need that, our love is forever" BS
Four: Be aware that if he tries to keep you away from friends, roommates, family that this is a warning sign for an abusive relationship.
What happens when the next 19 year old comes along?
Sorry to be so harsh. There’s something rotten in Denmark.
What he probably wants is a new mom for his four kids and someone to care for him as he ages. Do not marry a father figure. Of course you’re attracted to him! But do yourself a favor and bow out of this relationship now. You do not want to be a stepmom at your age. No way. No how. Believe you me. Call me opinionated but that is just how I feel. I’ve seen this time and again: No. Do not do this.
My personal metric is no more than 7 years older. That’s already a huge difference in ages as you grow older. Adopting this or a similar metric will keep you from the aging people who are probably blind to their own desires to have someone care for them in their old age, care for their kids, and keep them happy um . . . otherwise.
Thank you for responding and for everyone else! It means a lot. He has joint custody of his kids and he gets one or all three of them every summer. I find it funny that you said don’t do part time schooling because the college I go to is about 1 1/2-2 hrs away and he wanted me to transfer to another college that was closer. I actually met his oldest son, he turned 17, and I thought that he would hate me but he seemed to be pretty chill and nice to me.
The 17 year old son is chill because he is probably used to meeting all the girls his dad brings around. He’s used to women coming and going from his life. If your a high priority, he will want you to do what is best for you (like staying at your college and finishing). If he wants what is best for him, he will ask you to transfer closer.
You’re flattered that a grown man digs you. But you really need to get that that is not normal. He is either the mental age of a 20 year old (not good for a 40 year old man) or he’s in to your inexperience and are easy to manipulate. You have not seen around corners and have had the life experiences he has.
And what Aunt Bea says. Actually, use many forms of contraception.
My husband and I were similar ages when we were dating and we have a similar age difference, and we’ve been married over 20 years. HOWEVER, he did not have any children. Taking on four stepchildren at your age is a huge burden. Its time to seriously visualize how your life will look one year down the road and five years down the road. Have you met the ex-partner that you would be raising his kids with?
Its not easy to be a stepmother at any age, and you would be a stepmother to four. Think carefully.
That’s how it starts.
It starts small. “I’m sorry’s” start to increase. That’s one of the first signs. They want you closer.
I’ve had lots of training in abusive relationships. I have a number of DV clients, and they all say it starts “small” like that. The kids, yes there are innocent victims, are really impacted. Yes, you can “finish school, just come closer” to a local school. Then, for some reason, there’s another hurdle that prevents you from continuing classes. I’ve had at least 100 clients like this.
Please listen to your gut.
You have to talk to Mom and Dad.
You have to finish school. Finishing school makes you employable, and you can make your own money, which makes you less “controllable” by others. If you don’t finish school, you have to rely on another adult for your needs. That’s what abusers want, and that’s how you’ll always be in need. I agree with @Wien2NC, RUN!
I’m not your Mom, but I’m going to talk to you as I would to my two girls:
Does it make sense???
Why is there such a hurry? If it’s such a good thing, it will be a good thing in 5 years.
Do you think that I would want anything less than the best for you??
Be careful. Think of your needs first! You come first and always have!
So @ovoash, watch out, there are bogeymen out there.
Don’t change your educational plans for any guy. If he’s for real, he can wait to make things more serious until you finish school. If he can’t wait for that, he doesn’t have your best interests at heart.