Having a child like S1, who has had to change schools multiple times and who presents challenges regularly, puts great stress of a family. I’ve been juggling parenting S1 and S2 while building my career and helping H build his for a decade now. I’m exhausted, completely out of shape, and have lost a lot of my spark.
H and I have been talking about what changes we can make to improve things. H travels a lot and that will not change, and has his star rises, his work becomes more intense.
We live in NYC. At one point we considered moving to a lower-cost area. However S1 is wrapping up his first successful year of school and we absolutely do not want to change schools at this point. He has never attend a school for more than a year or two before being asked to leave. So this is a promising start and in a school that goes through 12th grade; we hope has found his “forever school.” S2 also started a new school this year and is very happy, lots of BFFs. Again, we don’t want to upset the apple cart there.
H has done some financial modeling and projects that without giving up much, we could forgo my salary once he makes the next professional rung where he works (which he expects to do this or at the latest next year).
I’m not ready to stop working anytime soon; I just started a challenging new job, am doing very well (just got a unexpected bonus for an exemplary first six months). However, the idea of taking some time away from work when the S1 starts high school (in about 5 years) strongly appeals. I would be more available to help him navigate these critical years would have time for self-care. I do not expect these years to be easy for S1.
Does anyone have experience with this kind of arrangement? Obviously the more typical 4-5 year stretch of time to take off of work to raise kids full time is 0-5 or when the child starts full-day school be that K or 1st. I worked full time thorough those years. How unusual is it to take a hiatus from work for the high school years when a child has special needs particularly in the social/emotional domain?
One of my friends went from working full-time to contract work and remodeling her house when her kids were in HS, so she would be more flexible and available to them when they were in HS. After they graduated, one of the contracting clients hired her full-time. It has worked out very well for her and her family. I’d say that at this point, it’s tough to know what you will want in a few years, but I’d definitely want to have that as an option.
Maybe if your current workplace continues to really work out well, you and they may be able to work out some part-time consulting so that you can reduce your workload while your kids are in HS and then ramp it back up once they are done with HS and at the next stage of their life.
I am glad I was able to work part-time much of the time my kids were home and only ramp up to full-time when they were both in college and we needed the extra funds. Once H retired, I’ve gone back to part-time, which suits him and me nicely. Quitting entirely may make your re-entry into your career much more difficult then if you are able to consult and “keep you finger in the field,” so to speak. Job hunting after being totally away from the workforce for a number of years and being in your 40s or 50s is not a fun experience from all I’ve heard.
@HImom Yes I think it would be very, very doable for me to work PT those years in a consulting capacity. I’m working now in an emerging area of cancer research and am developing valuable skills and domain knowledge. The scientific understanding (I have a PhD) coupled with the ability to write and edit make me attractive as a contract worker.
I stopped working when I had my daughter. I went back to work part-time beginning when she was in first grade (full day of school). I took time off from part-time when we did some big house renovations (when she was in middle school). I then quit during her senior year of HS, when there was just too much happening (not only the senior year stress but a few ill family members.) It was definitely the right decision. I went back to working part-time again when she went off to college. Neither of these transitions back were seamless - after both breaks it took about a year to find another job again. Several of these jobs were in schools and I had summers off. Now that I am a true empty nester (daughter is launched and lives in another city), I have switched to a year-round position (still part-time) , so I an not tied to a school calendar.
I never stopped working nor did I have kids with special needs but I will say that I took more advantage of flexible hours and the ability to work at home while my kids were in middle school rather than high school. They needed more parent involvement with homework and peer group issues in middle school.
I never stopped working, but did turn down a big contract opportunity D2’s senior year of HS. I just didn’t want to work a lot and miss that year, and I’m glad I did it that way. It does sound from some of your other posts like things can be bumpy with your H. Something to keep in mind, that keeping your hand in the workplace somehow (even part time) is a good thing. It gives you options if you need them.
I worked at home part time a great deal when the kids were in HS. It was a perfect arrangement. I had a quite House to work In uninterrupted from 8 til at least 3. Then I would take a break when they “ downloaded “ their day and helped deal with issues. I could easily get in another hour in the evening when they did homework.
I wouldn’t make any major life changes when you’re exhausted. I think you need to address that first. If I’m understanding your posts correctly, even after counseling your husband refuses to make changes to help you. You’re physically and mentally exhausted and he won’t cut back on his running or nightly yoga to give you a break? His solution is for you to wait a year or 2 or 5 and then give up your career. I see how that helps him, but how does that help you?
I would think carefully before giving up or reducing your earning power. You have a spouse who seems to put his needs first and you derserve better. If he’s a financial wiz or you’re too exhausted to pay attention to finances, I’m concerned where you would end up financially in a divorce. I hope you’re making finances a priority and have a plan in place to protect yourself and your children if that happens.
A year is a long time to wait to get a break. Two or 5 isn’t doable, and you’ll be in no shape to help your sons if you don’t help yourself before then. I think you should decide what you need (rest, exercise, a break from caring for a child with high needs, the ability to come and go yourself when you want, etc.) and how to get it. It may mean your husband travels less, you hire staff, he cuts back on his marathon training, or a combination of the above. If he refuses to make changes to help you, then I think you need to take action yourself – join a gym, hire staff, get a private counselor – whatever it takes to get your physical and mental health back on track. But do it now. Don’t wait.
Everything is an option, and it is okay to look ahead and imagine the various paths you might travel in the future. It might be unsettling to step out of the workforce and rely solely on your H’s employment income. It might also feel freeing to be able to focus on your children (both of them).
There are no guarantees, and a previous poster made a great point about not postponing whatever YOU need right now. I see your heart, I know you want the best for your children. Work and motherhood are complicated, and I encourage you to drill down (with help from your therapist) to make sure YOUR needs are being considered right now.
H sounds like he has no problem taking time/money/energy to care for himself and his needs and hobbies. Please do whatever it takes to do the same for yourself. NOW. Not in 2-5 years.
In an airplane emergency, a good mom makes sure she breathes in the oxygen mask first, so she is still able to care for her kids.
Translated to a more serious tone, if you go down, seriously down, for whatever reason…can you imagine H taking your place and caring for your kids without you? If that thought scares you, I apologize. But I wanted you to see how important taking good care of yourself NOW is to your children’s futures.
Sending more Hugs your way. You are an incredible person/parent and what you are doing in your kids’ lives really matters.
This is really all about S1. I will be honest here (because I can). A big driver is that I feel like the pre-college years for S1 will make or break him. That is, right now it is unclear if he will be able to go to college. He is not really able to manage being in 3rd grade and needs tons of supports, even in a special needs school. And he is so, so bright. I’ve seen the power of intervention and therapy. I do not want S1 to struggle though his teen years and fail to launch or launch but then bounce back home. (Of course this happens with typically developing kids, and is very common among kids with his profile who are smart - sometimes very smart - but get tripped by by social stuff and managing emotions.) I basically want to devote myself to making sure we do everything we can to help him build all of the skills he needs to leave the nest as a 19 yo (the age he will be when he graduates hs) and have as typical a college experience as possible and NOT as a 20-something going an alternative route. (Not that that would be the end of the world, but it is not the preferred scenario.) Helping S1 is a PT job I do alongside my FT job while raising my S2 (mercifully and easy kid). I just want to give S1 my full mothering power, as only I can. If that makes sense…
My H took the work hiatus when our kids were in high school. We both felt it was more important to be “around” during those formative high school years than when they were babies plus he was totally burned out with his job, needed to get back in physical peak performance etc. so for us he took the break. It doesn’t need to be the mom.
Your older son is in third grade, and you’re seriously thinking about high school, and whether he’ll be able to attend college? A lot of changes between now and then coming. I don’t think I would label him as someone who will always have problems and always require your every waking minute to attend to. There are many kids on the spectrum who learn to function very well as they get older. He may not need (nor want) as much attention as you think as a teenager.
Are you worrying about things way into the future because everything is going so well now, and the mind needs something to worry about? Or does it comfort you to do this long range planning? I suggest you consider not thinking and planning things so far in the future, and do what needs to be done to take care of yourself right now. Sleep, relax, exercise. Focus on staying healthy. And alive. That’s the best thing you can do for your family.
Agree it is a bit too early to make a decision on this. TBS, my good friend did what you are thinking about doing. It had been her plan all along to stop working once her youngest entered middle school (she had one in 6th and one in 8th at the time.) She felt (kids that age had bigger needs (and bigger problems.)
I understand your thinking and planning, I have a 19 yo son with about the same special needs as your son. I would suggest that for now you continue down the path you have just started of taking care of yourself. Continue the walking to work, the therapy, any other healthier habits you have started. Also start socking away some money in case you do decide to quit or cut back on work hours. Plan for several years of lesser income without deciding to actually do it. That way you are prepared for any decision you may make in a few years.
@powercropper I shutter to think of what would happen to S1 and S2 if I went seriously down. His life would briefly grind to a halt before he hired a replacement me (ie live-in nanny to cover his travel). The brief (a few months?) lack of cover for travel and marathons would be infuriating to him. But he is a go-getter and well organized and he’d solve this problem and move on. That sounds awful but work and running are really H’s alpha and omega.
@busdriver11 I missed years of early intervention with S1 because I was in denial about his issues, chalking them up to everything from having a closely-spaced sibling, to being ‘so smart his peers don’t get him’ to just being a boy. I’m now a firm believer in loading up on interventions, therapies, supports and rewarding the heck out of skills achieved and independence gained. I would not say everything is going well right now, but we are not in crisis. We were in crisis for about four years including one exceptionally bad year when H and I teetered close to divorce over how to help S1 (H wanted to medicate him into a manageable state, I wanted extra therapeutic supports. I won.)
My therapist’s big message to me is “H is not going to change” so I should stop putting energy into trying to “persuade him” (or guilt him or beg him) to take on more a more active parenting role. That has opened up my mind to say, “OK, where is this train going because I’m on my own here.”
H gets that my life sucks. His attitude is “do what you need to do to be happy, but I’m not changing my life.” Which is at least honest.