You’re lucky to have that option and it’s good that you don’t have to make the decision now. It also sounds like your gut is telling you to do it, and I’m a proponent of listening to your gut.
That said, don’t underestimate the difficulty you may experience when you decide to return to the marketplace. Middle aged women are easily disposable in this society, employers often want cheaper younger workers, there will be plenty of freshly minted PhDs with cutting edge skills competing with you for jobs.
If you decide on a hiatus, be smart about it. Keep your skills updated; stay in touch with employers, colleagues; keep the resume fresh with occasional contract projects.
Remember, it’s not just a hiatus from work: it’s a hiatus from contributing into your 401K & into social security. The money repercussions can be significant. In effect you will be putting greater financial burden on your husband – expect to see less of him than you currently do – and make sure you have savings should something happen to his job.
Finally – you’ve worked smart and hard for many years. You can probably allow yourself a break especially since it sounds like your son will need you. Just do it with your eyes wide open, and with the long-term financial security of your family firmly in mind.
I think I said a similar thing to my husband. At least you have support to do what makes you happy. That is big. Giving up current and future earnings when as a family you’ve been running with it is no small thing. My H didn’t see less of me because my life didn’t change since I continued my work situation. I did expect him to pick up the housecleaning and some errands as paying someone didn’t make financial sense with the diminished income. Something to think about if you have been paying for services because you both worked.
When my kids wear going into 5th and 7th grades, I did not quit, but I took myself off the fast track and got a job where I could be home soon after they were in the afternoon. I believe it’s as important or more important to have someone home after school during the tween and teen years as it is when they are younger.
That said, I haven’t received anything more than a small raise each year since then.
Having been divorced, I would also advise you to keep up your skills in some form, even if you cut back to part time or do volunteer work.
I’m a planner and if I know I’m leaving the ‘regular job’ arrangement in 2022ish, I can start thinking now about what kind of part time or contract work I could pursue during those years. Given how my family life has turned out I would want to explore a considering a different return on investment than just income (the driving force, together with flexibility, behind why I took my current role).
I have years to think about what those new pathways might be. A few ideas include working on early interventions for kids like S1, teaching gifted kids, YA writing… My work BFF and I had coffee. I asked her about her day and she said she was having her ‘favorite day’ which involved putting data into figures for a new research paper. She said that she enjoys thinking about how to convey ‘the story that data wants to tell.’ She further noted that carefully-constructed figures makes the paper practically write itself. When I tried to come up with my own version of her favorite day, I found that I could not. I do my job well and completely mechanically (which is, I appreciate, the norm).
I think I have a decent enough mix of skills, experience, network and education to find and do more rewarding work. What that might be I do not yet know, but even having this internal dialogue feels like what self care is for me right now.
I stopped working outside the house when my D was born (I was a single parent). Started back p/t when she was 3 (pre-school), f/t when she started 1st grade (full day school & after school at the Y). My career built steadily. When she turned 15, I went into retirement (still single), as I’d hit an emotional wall & wasn’t loving my work anymore (national revenue manager for a Fortune 100 company). I was 48. I went back to school p/t (I love school) and studied filmmaking. Was fairly successful producing short films (festival circuit success) and loving life. Once my D went off to college I went back to work p/t exclusively in a creative field (landscape architecture and urban design). It’s been 12 years and I never look back. I love my p/t (paid) work & my p/t (not always paid) film work. Financially I REALLY had to adjust, but once I did I’ve done just fine. Will I “retire” wealthy. Nope. Will I have to work (paid) for the rest of my life? Probably. But I get to travel, go to live theater, concerts, and I have a decent social life. I’m happy.
@Aspieration – Having read your post #23, I can only add: you go, girl! It will be OK. You’ll figure it out and do the best for yourself and your family.
So my therapist is suggesting a different approach. Rather than a full hiatus with contract work years down the line, she is suggesting looking for another role now. Not in an ‘emergency’ mode aka I’ll just take the first thing I can get. But putting out feelers, having conversations, and actively looking for the RIGHT thing for me now.
I think the right thing for me would involve work that involves deep, uninterrupted thinking (is not management which is juggling lots of projects and people) with deadlines but flexibility so that I could work around family (and self!) needs. Probably writing in life or medical sciences ie for a foundation, university or research institute. Bonus points if it is my field (neuroscience).
This biggest gift she gave to me this morning was to say that it IS ambitious to do this. To work, use my brain, my skills, my talent, my experience – on terms that work for me. And to push until I get what I want - now - not down the line.
In the last 2 years I’ve seen a lot of my very high earning (big title) friends getting laid off. Many of their wives haven’t had to work. They thought they would be able to get another job fairly fast because they were always in very high demand when younger. Most of them have teenagers who are just about ready to go to college. I would think hard before you rely on one income. If you can take a part time or less demanding job while your kids are in high school, but I wouldn’t completely leave a profession. My ex decided he wasn’t getting much meaning out of life by having a full time job when kids were in high school, and it put a lot of stress on me. I was killing myself at my job and I became very resentful. Kids grow up and they leave, may not seen like that now, but you still need a life of your own.
You are not the only one to consider changing your work situation for a teen. I dropped from full-time to part-time when my teen developed some mental and physical health problems in HS. Juggling a full-time job, my usual "mom’ duties, figuring out supervision for her when she did not go to school and being case manager for her (keeping up with a variety of appointments, medications, and dealing with the insurance co) was too much. I am much happier in my new part-time role, and so is the rest of the family.
I also taught many years ago in a school where 2 teachers were job-sharing a class. One was the mom of an infant and the other was the mom of a teen who needed more support and supervision than he had for the first 10 years of his schooling.
With plenty of time, I’m sure you’ll find a solution that will work for you.
I quit my job(at the company 11 years) once oldest was in the 7th grade as we had moved to a new district and I had to give up my aftercare. I asked my job to either let me work from home a few days or job share and and I got a big fat no, so I resigned, with no plan B. Fortunately another dept heard I was leaving and I’ve been doing contract work for the company ever since. As long as my husband keeps a job with benefits we are okay. It works out because I’ve been there so long, they know I can pretty much handle any assignment and what I don’t know I will figure it out since I know who has the knowledge.
Now that my last is in college I feel like I should go to work full time but this contract gig is SO flexible I don’t want to give it up! As long as I have a secure connection I can work from anywhere. I’m definitely missing my company match, bonus and profit sharing contributions.
I love working part time and have mostly done that since I quit full time work in 1988. I love having flexible hours and lots of control over the pace of my work.
Sounds like you’re carefully sifting ideas to find what you’d love. Sounds great to me!
Right now I’d say I’m lost. It actually feels scary but authentic to admit that. I’ve lost the thread of my life. (I do have a handle on my kids’ lives. I’m ‘on’ their needs and goals, managing serious curveballs. And I watch, kind of on the sidelines now as he no longer needs my support, as H drives his life forward into new vistas.)
I have some ideas about what could be my next steps, but what I really need take a few days off – really off ie no kid duty – and deeply think.
Can you make a deal with your H to have those days off or hire someone to watch the kids while you take that time for yourself? It sounds like you have some interesting possibilities and options. Since you have financial resources, hiring help may be a useful option to consider.
H could manage one overnight stay in a nice hotel with a pool in a nice town with lots of dining options with the boys. He could manage one boy for a much longer period of time… but the two together… different story. His nerves get frayed and he has a hard time de-escalating.
My father once upon a time was a HUGE help, but he has a new girlfriend (my mother died three years ago) and she occupies his time and attention. He is also 72 and understandably needs breaks.
On the other side, H is not speaking to his parents at the moment. They have not been great about S1’s quirky behavior. H’s mother once asked me to consider priest-led exorcism. Not joking.
We have a new babysitter, still too green to take on more than up to a half-day of coverage.
H is taking S1 on a week-long trip in August. I think that’s my chance to see if I can get the sitter, less green by then, to wrangle S2 for a day or two…
I support your need to have break time and thinking time. While I know you would benefit from a “me, myself and I weekend” if that just isn’t feasible don’t let it be the only solution. A babysitter for a 1/2 day and maybe your H for a couple of designated hours would still be “time”.
You’re therapist gave great advice about exploring job options. Does the therapist have advice about leaving your kids with your husband? For example… is it safe to leave kids with husband? If he can provide for their emotional and physical safety for one evening, maybe it’s time for him to step up to the plate?
I may be out of line because I’ve not read all your posts but I remember I time when I thought my parenting techniques were the only correct ones. I had to learn that husband’s techniques were different but not harmful to my kids or our special needs foster kids. He certainly wouldn’t have prepared a homemade meal, put the kids to bed on time or followed “my guidelines” but the kids would have something to eat and be safe.
I may have said this earlier but you can’t have it all. You can have everything but perhaps not at the same time. I downshifted my career when one of my kids had some issues (nothing nearly as challenging as you are facing).
Do I wonder where I’d be now if I’d stayed on the corporate track? Sure. But I also know I have no regrets about being able to help my child.
I have a very rewarding job now that is technically only part time, at a non profit. I am able to do the extra work needed for my aging parents and it’s a great job for me now. I’m making much less money but have a good quality of life.
Twice in the past few years I have gotten a call that one of my parents is in crisis in the hospital. I’ve had to literally grab a toothbrush and yoga pants and run out the door. Both times I did not get home for almost a week.
What would your DH do if that happened to you? Or what would he do if you came down with appendicitis and needed to be in the hospital for a couple of days. Odds are good that something like that may happen some day. I’d start operating like DH needs to be the primary parent so you can attend to something overnight. He’s not “babysitting,” they are his children.
I can tell you from experience that leaving the workforce for a significant period of time makes it difficult to find employment when you are ready to return. You will be older and face age discrimination as well as employers who will assume you haven’t kept up in your field. After being out of the workforce for 8 years, I ended up doing contract work for a publishing company, which was fine with me. If you understand the tradeoffs then go with your gut and do what you feel your son needs.
FWIW—I have a grandson who my stepdaughter/son-in-law adopted from a Russian orphanage. He was diagnosed with RAD (something common among children adopted from orphanages). He is extremely smart but suffers from anxiety and hyperactivity and he often acts out in inappropriate ways. He has been in 6 different schools (he is 15 years old).
My stepdaughter finally found some peace of mind when grandson’s therapist suggested that in addition to his individual therapy, the whole family would benefit from family therapy (they all go together). My stepdaughter’s situation sounds somewhat similar to yours—husband who travels often and an older child who is bright and easy, but has a love/hate relationship with her younger brother. (She will go to college in August.) The family therapy has made for a more peaceful family life.
I would guess it is safe to leave the kids with the H LOL. His nerves might get frayed but every parent has days when their nerves get frayed. I would guess he can manage and think of enough stuff to do to do to keep the house from burning down or bones getting broken. But if he is taking one on a trip it might be a perfect time to stash the second and have some alone time.
It will be OK. You’ll figure it out and do the best for yourself and your family.