He even says he doesn’t want to go to college. When he pays attention and studies, he grasps the work, but getting him to do that has been a struggle. Should i let him take a year off, but to do what? Just looking to see if anyone has had the same experience and what they did. Thank you for any info.
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Perhaps explore other more hands on careers with him. College isn’t necessary for an abundance of careers.
What does he enjoy doing? Start there.
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Has he tried meds? Why does he refuse to take them?
I know everyone has different experiences, but meds were a game changer for my now 16 yo. (Started about 18 months ago.) also went from no interest in college (partly because school seemed so tough to get things handed in/completed etc) to doing much better and excited about it. I would encourage you to explore these alternatives a bit more. Beyond meds, does he have any assistance with executive function skills?
Does he have an idea of what he would like to do after school, if not college?
If he does graduate without intending to go to college and and later changes his mind about that - as some do after confronting the reality of minimum wage jobs or not enjoying the type of work that pays higher - he can always do a CC-4 year college route. There are many ways to a destination, and different routes and different destinations work for different people.
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IS there another school option? Something more experiential? The typical high school schedule is awful for a kid with ADHD.
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I definitely would not push college until your son’s adhd issues are worked out so you believe he would do well in college.
If he took a year off, I would think a job, or volunteer opportunity, would make sense.
Has he had neuropsych testing?
My son also did a sort of biofeedback program for adhd, and also a memory program with a psychologist (It’s 10+ years ago so I don’t remember the details). Those are some non medication interventions. I will say neither made a single bit of difference (the biofeedback was a recommendation of the American Pediatric Association) and they were expensive.
Has your son tried meds at all? Because although all are stimuants, people tolerate some better than others.
Adhd is tough!
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If your son is 2e and cannot take medication due to other medical restrictions you may try the following:
- Identify areas that your son likes (Math, History, or smth).
- Convert him to homeschooling - fighting with school is not worth your and his mental breakdown. You will need to show that you are “educating” him to the school system.
- Try to enroll him in local CC as homeschooler only for 1 class that you know he would pass with nagging. Try to supplement other areas with some online or face to face programs (look at libraries, bookclubs, youtube series, after school sport activities, online schools. )
- Continue with max 2 classes a semester until Associate degree will be completed. It does not matter how many years it will take.
- Find something exciting and interesting for him outside of house to stay busy. Anything will do. Volunteering in shelter. Menoring young kids (robotics clubs?)
It is a lot of energy and efforts but better than one size fits all education system that does not work for your son.
Omg, that would drive me to drink, or worse!!!
(Though, not a bad suggestion, it might work for someone else)
My son had executive function coaching by an outside tutor starting in 6th grade, when he was first diagnosed, and continuing through junior year of high school, tapering in frequency as time went on).
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For clarity, are you referring to taking a year off during high school or a year off after high school?
College isn’t for everybody, and that’s 100% okay. And there are people who graduate from high school and don’t go on to college, and then further down the line they change their minds and end up earning their degree. There are lots of options for him.
One thing I might do is have some career exploration type of activities. Let him see what options are available and what kind of education and training is needed for them. He might then be able to start working toward that in high school or create a plan for what to do after graduation. Alternatively, he may find that the careers he finds most interesting are those that require a college degree and, potentially, a certain level of success in college. That might help provide the motivation he needs to do the work he needs to be academically successful.
Many students (with or without ADHD) don’t see the purpose in their academic classes and are reluctant to do much for something they view as pointless. If he can see the purpose in his classes, then it may help his motivation.
Seconding, by the way, executive function coaching and the possibility of exploring meds he hasn’t already tried to see if there’s something that might work for him. Additionally, is he getting enough physical activity? Getting a lot of physical exercise can sometimes be helpful as well.
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Some alternatives to medicine that can help include walking in places where the eye can see far and preferably see green; coffee; exercise.
Just be careful with coffee. It may have an opposite effect. I have a family member who is literally falls asleep from it.
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Academics can be not only challenging but boring for some ADHD folks who don’t have the sustained attention needed to study, attend carefully in class (and that gets harder when classes are many hours long in college) so he may be wise to pursue a different type of career. Even separate from careers that require training and licensure (plumbing, electrician, mechanic, etc) is he artistic? Does he like to cook? Garden? Landscape? Fitness? There can be options outside of college… or until he feels ready to try college. good luck.
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My relative had her oldest S (whom preschool suspected to have ADHD) enroll in “Brain Gym,” which seemed a bit unorthodox to us but really helped him focus. It was “physical exercises to help connect left side of his brain to the right side.
The family made sure he did all the exercises regularly and on schedule. They weren’t onerous.
He’s now doing his MD residency in neonatology and never needed ADHD meds.
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I’d listen to this.
Your son may not need college. Or maybe he will decide to go after all. Maybe he just needs a year off, working at McDonalds perhaps, to realize that he does want higher education. I would discuss various options with him, and set some expectations too.
There are many options.
Tell him he doesn’t have to go to college but will have to work and pay some rent or similar.
Or, if he does go to college, you will fund it. Or, if he wants to go to trade school, you will fund that. Lots of other ways to make clear to him that college isn’t the only choice once he graduates from high school.
I have a few stories, but these two stand out to me. My good friend’s son had/has ADHD. He said from a young age that he wanted to be a plumber, but my friend and her husband insisted he go to college. To no one’s surprise, it was a disaster. They wasted so much money and he was very unhappy. He did a year long road trip in a van, worked various jobs, floundered around for a while. Today, this young man earns okay money managing a wine supplier. He is engaged to be married and is happy. That is success.
Another very good friend’s son lasted for about a year of college. It was not for him. He desperately wanted to fly helicopters. As there was still money for college, his parents paid for flight school and that’s what he does today. He is happily married and has all kinds of interesting work as a helicopter pilot. He doesn’t regret not going to college.
Not everyone needs to go to college, and your son will discover is path.
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Agree with @Lindagaf my nephew had/has learning disabilities. Finished at an alternative hs but never passed the state test so technically never graduated.
No way he was going to college.
Bounced through 5 or 6 jobs - restaurant, retail and not customer facing.
Realized to have the life he wanted (grew up with), he’d likely need an education.
Afraid of dealing with people, he decided to start at a cc and took online classes.
5 or 6 years later he earned an accounting degree.
Now 32 he starts a six figure accounting job Monday in rural Minnesota, about $35k more than the job he just left.
Often in these cases, success will come but it won’t be in the timeline or via the process you hoped and dreamed of.
Your son will have a journey - whether it’s work, military or something else - and he’ll create his own, hopefully successful, path.
But you can’t force something upon that they are adamantly against.
I probably wouldn’t even discuss with him til the Fall when it’s app time.
No reason to create friction.
Good luck.
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Nothing to add to this. Just hugs. My son, even on his meds, still struggles to get his work done - he’s just not motivated to do homework. I wish you luck finding a good path, but I just wanted to let you know that you aren’t alone.
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While it’s wonderful that this young man has done so well, amongst neuroscientists it’s generally noted that there is no valid research to support Brain Gym’s claims. It’s considered pseudoscience. Google Search
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We are surprised and thrilled it worked for him. He was never formally diagnosed with ADHD but his preschool staff was very concerned about his behavior.
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I doubt he had adhd then. He never was diagnosed, and he never needed meds . . . Just because he was a little hyper when he was three, his experience does not really apply to kids that actually do have adhd.
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We will never know — I did mention that it was unconventional how they chose to address it. His mom has a master’s in special ed and has taught it her entire career of >30 years.
For what it’s worth, I’m sure his very young age and anxiousness to please were also factors for this young child.
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However it happened, it happened and that’s great for the young man.