Hello, parent of a D27, twice exceptional, with IEP for EF, and 504 for ADHD related issues since 6th grade (slow processing, anxiety etc.). She’s interested in STEM, and plays high level soccer that we may be exploring trying to continue playing in college. Other than soccer, she works part time and that’s about it for ECs. She has friends and is fairly social within a small group but disdains the larger high school experience. She is medicated for adhd, though not with our original formulation because we can’t get that, and has a medical team she sees regularly (psychiatrist and therapist). By end of sophomore year, will have 3.7 weighted and overall unweighted of 3.2ish. Took 3 APs because she loves what she loves, with an A in Honors Physics, B+ in AP Stat, B in AP Psyc, and B in AP Calc ABBC. She may fail Health and will probably have Cs in Honors English and History. Getting her to have regular work habits that have her coming home from school and just doing her homework has been a battle, not necessarily because she is opposed in theory, but because for one reason (adhd) or another (depression) she has low motivation. Her time blindness means that once she puts work in and succeeds, she forgets the next time around that she succeeded because she put work in, so is overly cavalier, and then she struggles. So her grades really vacillate between As and C/D/Fs. I call her the 100 or 0 kid, because if she does the work, she does well but she just doesn’t do a lot of assigned work. So, to my question. My impulse is to reveal this pattern to explain the lower grades and say “when she’s engaged in doing what she’s interested in doing, she does quite well” or "please discount this D/F in Health because look! She got a B as a sophomore in AP Calc ABBC!) BUT I am worried because I feel like a) the rule is not to disclose adhd; and b) the overall message there may be perceived as one of poor work ethic. So, my second, subquestion, is, if the answer is to disclose, are there schools that are more interested in overall ability rather than proven ability? Schools that would take a high test score and offset it against a B or B+ GPA to get to a “yes”? Trying to do research and start putting together lists - she’s at Smith this summer for a pre-college program in Science and Engineering, and we’ll be visiting Clark and WPI afterwards. Interested in everyone who has walked this walk’s thoughts/ideas/suggestions. Thank you!
I’d focus on her health. College will be there when she’s ready- and if she’s truly vacillating between “I can focus on this and do well” and “I don’t want to do what I don’t want to/can’t do” college is going to be an anxiety provoking experience for her all around.
There are all sorts of workarounds for kids like what you’ve described. I’ve seen kids take one class at a time at a community college, for example- while working and living at home- and after two semesters, are able to tackle full time college with much improved work habits, less scaffolding from the family, better appreciation for the reality that not every course is going to be totally absorbing all the time.
I don’t think there is a hard and fast rule about revealing ADHD, but no college wants to admit a kid who is going to struggle, for whatever reason.
How does her anxiety/depression manifest itself and what does her therapist think?
Yes there are schools - especially if you have the financial means. For $$, some schools can work with anything and even specialize in this.
When I read depression, I think there are bigger issues at play to get ahold of first.
In general, proven ability as you call it is what a school has to work with. They can’t measure potential.
So you’ll have to set your sights reasonably but there will absolutely be schools for your student.
Soccer, of course, is another boost but could be a life/study hinderance as being an athlete is surely something that requires discipline for academic success.
Best of luck.
Her depression is variable, and in many ways I believe is actually a manifestation of the struggle to be “gritty.” She experiences negative outcomes very poorly, and just deflates. Feels like she studies hard (even if really she mostly left it until the day before the test), and then gets a 70? That could have her bed rotting for days. It’s an energy thing - and it can vary in the same day much less the week. We kind of are never quite sure what we’re going to get. She does a lot of scrolling. We battle over the phone constantly and wanting her to put it down to achieve some measure of regularity over life and schedule. It’s soothing I think to her. Feels like “doing something” when she is unable to get moving. But of course likely makes things worse. I agree her health is paramount and on the table absolutely is a gap year – but I think we’ll do the app process first with that noted as a potential. Just starting to gather information and do the digging that is necessary to explore programs, and very interested in identifying schools, and an approach.
There will be schools of all shapes and sizes that offer supports of varying levels - from
A U of Arizona to Marist to U Denver to small schools like Landmark.
You really need to figure out what the student wants environment wise - size, distance to hike and other variables. Then find schools that meet the needs she has. There’s many schools on line.
Once you have some you can interview them.
The soccer, of course, will be another issue because if she wants to play, how do you now add recruiting into that mix ?
My feelings about the soccer are these: if we can find the right fit school, it will be an organizing principle for her. Regular exercise in a small community and an instant “mini” universe of folks in common is an instant dopamine boost and a support system. She’ll have a coach as another interested adult wanting her to keep academics going well. We are not D1 or die but rather, good schools for her, and then investigate whether soccer there will be a good fit. It could tip us in one direction or another, possibly, but not sure. What it does do is affect the discussion about gap years. . . because I think she’d have to go straight.
I think you avoid revealing the ADHD.
I think you schedule a sit-down for her with her therapist to discuss what the healthy milestones would need to be before deciding to go to college. And if she hasn’t had a physical workup in a while- get that on the calendar just to make sure there’s no wonky thyroid type thing going on to increase the “can’t get out of bed” issue.
I think over the summer you work on appropriate guidelines for senior year-- no phone after 9 pm? Or no phone UNTIL 9 pm, leaving her time to finish her work? or whatever you guys agree on.
I’m pulling for her. But just a note of caution- most kids I know who couldn’t handle freshman year were absolutely capable students. It was always the lifestyle stuff-- not able to get up for an 8 am lab; couldn’t sequence a paper and a midterm and a review session for the same week; didn’t recognize they were drowning in a particular class until the drop deadline had passed.
So setting her up for success by dealing with all of this NOW would be a real gift for her.
Does she handle all communication with her school by herself right now? That’s a good start and a low bar.
In our experience, with school, it’s teacher by teacher. Some teachers she did great with, advocated wonderfully for herself with, and thrived in their classrooms. Others she had daily struggle “want to” show up, do the work and deal with them in any way. I’m leaning toward unconventional learning arrangements like a one class at a time, or a quarter system with 3 classes at a time situation. She handled 3 pretty serious APs this year pretty OK but tipping point “extra” classes were murder. She is pretty autonomous with physical routine and taking medicine in the am for example, but the “can’t get out of beds” are really just low mood crashing after working so hard (i think) and being upset with herself. Lots of self-loathing I think…but she’ll say it’s because of expectations not because of who she is. Her therapist is onboard working on EF skills because when she is in a groove with schedule and working out regularly, she is aces. It’s just how easily she can be knocked off-kilter by the stuff she doesn’t want to do. She’s doing a few weeks away from home studying novel biophages and I’m so excited to see how she does in a “learning to learn” but not for grades environment…having to be self-sufficient and so on. Interested to see what kind of communication we have with her as well. Could very easily see her as a kid who goes to school and only grudgingly calls home as required for minimal updates/support. Also, she’s a rising junior not a current junior so we have a little time still. 
I am going to echo @blossom’s excellent posts. There is not any hard and fast rule about whether to disclose ADHD on college applications. It’s a very personal decision and in some circumstances it might be helpful and in others it won’t be. Your daughter just finished her sophomore year, it’s way too early to be contemplating this. A lot can change over the course of her junior year
Both of my kids are 2E, and I certainly understand your concerns… but quite honestly I think your priorities right now are a bit misplaced. The question shouldn’t be which colleges will overlook her c’s, d’s and f’s. The question should be how do you get her the help she needs to succeed in those classes that don’t interest her. You need to focus on getting your daughter to the point where she will be ready for college. That means getting help with her executive functioning. She needs to be able to function in classes she doesn’t find interesting. She needs be able to structure her time and not leave assignments to the last minute. You need to work with her medical team to make sure you have her on the right medication and dosage. If you haven’t already, you might want to have a full Neuro psych eval done to make sure you haven’t missed any other possible LDs. My younger son was diagnosed with dyslexia at 16. He had been diagnosed as ADD at age 9 but he completely slipped through the cracks because he was bright enough to compensate for it
Agree with Greatpyrmom about resetting objectives-- and it’s great she’s only now finishing sophomore year, you’ve got time on your side.
This is what’s bothering me…
I think her therapist and medical team should be weighing in here; your D wouldn’t be the first person who is not an accurate historian of her mood swings. And if the self-loathing is due to “expectations” than the fix (at least in the near term) is likely to change the expectations, NOT to start charging down the college thruway.
Again, all of this is completely independent of her being a good student and capable of doing HS and college work. Anxiety and depression can make the college experience very, very difficult for myriad reasons. You probably know more kids than you think you came home, dropped out, took time off, taking a break, or whatever. And I’m guessing that exactly ZERO of these kids discovered that “The history of Anarchy” or “Macroeconomics” was too hard for them…
A few different things - but first hugs. I’ve been there. Both my kids have ADHD, with the second one (who just graduated HS) sounding very similar to your daughter (does great in the things he cares about, is awful about turning in routine or not interesting homework, hates himself when he fails or does poorly because of just not turning things in, but is an otherwise bright and motivated kid).
I think you don’t need to reveal the ADHD, unless, as she’s finished junior year and is working to figure out her essays, it makes sense to do it. Like there’s usually a “is there anything else you want to tell us” type prompt where she could say - particularly if she improved over junior year - “this is something I struggled with in HS, which explains my poor health grade. It was always easier to do what I loved, and I’m looking forward to focusing on that at [school] but I’ve also learned how to better manage my time and have made great strides, even in areas that aren’t as innately exciting to me. Learning to find the thing that catches my interest has made every subject more interesting and surmountable.” But really, only if you feel like it tells a needed story.
I’d also suggest that she work hard junior year to make some good connections with her teachers. Her self advocacy, and showing that she’s an interested and involved student will let their recommendations tell her story.
Finally, I noted you mentioned WPI earlier. My older son is a rising senior at WPI. I’m happy to answer any questions you might have about it. Personally, we’ve found the short seven week terms to actually work great with his ADHD - because it goes fast, there’s no putting off an assignment for a few days or until just before it’s due. It’s due tomorrow, so you do it tonight. It also means that there are only three academic classes at a time - that’s been really really helpful for him - much less to juggle and much easier to prioritize what needs focus. He’s finding that’s he’s less overwhelmed with scheduling and trying to plan out assignments for classes and when to do what than he was in HS, because there’s fewer classes, and the tighter time frames mean that there’s less debating when to do something.
Finally, if she does play soccer in college for the school (not club or rec) she’ll need to fill out a bunch of forms re: her meds. My son rowed for a year, and had to do the same. It was easy and not a problem. There are lots of kids at WPI who are on ADHD meds, and the teams, office of accessibility services, and health center are very familiar with how to help and support these students.
Thanks for your thoughtful reply. She’s had numerous neuro-psychs, including just recently in support of her IEP. In addition to a very high IQ, it noted significant EF deficits that she will be getting support with in the form of a structured class at school (using SMART program) to help with. I am 100% on board, and recognize the prematurity given that she is only part way through her HS career. Not looking for magic, but just starting to research various schools/programs and hoping to not reinvent the wheel as relates to ADHD STEM kiddos. She very likely won’t want a Landmark, because she’ll want a more normative experience. But I’m interested in learning about the nooks and crannies of the school search space that hold gems like UCONN’s INCLUDE program for Engineering (i just discovered this today, and it inspired me to dig a little more). Many known schools for ADHD seem to just have been first to market with supportive accommodations/student disabilities offices, which many schools have now. They keep being cited/re-cited as ADHD friendly schools but don’t seem like good fits to me when I look deeper. So again, hoping not to reinvent the wheel if there are programs that aren’t the “Univ of AZ or American” list. I feel like open curriculum will be a necessity, to permit more of what she wants to study while avoiding the pain of those things she does not want to have to do. I also think small to medium sized schools will be her focus, and that a unique semester approach could also be intriguing to permit more focus on fewer things. 1000% agree about getting improvement with study skills onboard; it’s the goal of this coming year. D27 is an exceptional thinker, and from her work experience, a very hard worker who is well-regarded. Trying to actually take pressure off of her by helping her understand that there is a “perfect” school for her (which will be one that wants her, for starters), even if she doesn’t have straight As, where she can blossom and grow. She’s feeling a lot of pressure from peers who are taking less rigorous courses but doing better overall. And yes, comparison is the thief of joy, but it is also inevitable when you are a 16 year old.
I love hearing that about WPI - we are visiting in July when we go to pick her up from her pre-college program. I like a lot of what I see, and will definitely follow up with you if I have specific questions! So good to know!
Confused by what you are looking for.
U Conn is not a small school. And if she’s ultimately interested in some sort of STEM (did I get that wrong?) there is NO way around taking courses that she won’t be interested in. That’s the nature of the beast. Majoring in math? You may need more chem and bio than you’d like. Majoring in engineering- those ABET requirements in writing are going to stink!
I get looking down the road. But maybe just reassuring her that there are colleges that will meet her needs is the appropriate step for now… and that the older we all get, the less useful it is to look over our shoulders at other people. Someone’s always prettier, makes more money, lives in a nicer house, has better hair, has hipper friends.
Maybe focusing on “running your own race” will be more helpful than parsing the differences in various academic programs for now?
I don’t want to sidetrack your general discussion too much, but WPI has really been a great experience for him, and I’m always happy to talk it up to anyone who might have a student for whom it would be a good fit.
You are not sidetracking at ALL. This is exactly what I am looking for - ideas, and the “why it has been great” of it all!
I’m linking you to a comment I wrote in another thread, and I’d also encourage you to read all the different comments in that thread as well:
The EF stuff can also mean that these kids often forecast for themselves with a lot of subconscious assumptions in mind: I like the teacher and they like me—they’re easy to contact and I get everything I need from them in just the way that I prefer to work; the class is interesting every minute of each session; the reading is all engaging and not long; the assignments are broken down into segments for me and there are daily deadlines so that keeps me on track; I have a whole semester to get the major project done which is 5x more time than it will actually take; I will be best friends with my roommate, I will be healthy and happy every day, I will eat well, I will get exercise 5x a week, I will self care in exactly the way I need.
So if everything goes according to that plan? They’ll be fine. Of course they’ve budgeted enough time for studying, they made a plan!
But then the dream of the new, perfect type of planner, or app, or new organization method isn’t the miracle they thought it would be. They get sick the third week of school and miss classes and fall behind. They actually don’t like one of their professors and in some of the classes they zone out because they’re tired, or it’s not super engaging all the time and they lost the thread for awhile. They work out for a few weeks but then one day they don’t feel like it, and then they stop going because inertia, and then that affects their mental health. The food isn’t as good as they thought it would be and they end up eating bagels and cream cheese for most meals and that affects them, too. Their roommate is ok, but not great, and sometimes stays up late, and the dorm is loud, and so they don’t sleep well and that has a snowball effect. They have a long term assignment that’s due in 6 weeks, and after 4 weeks they don’t have any ideas or they haven’t started and they’re too overwhelmed and embarrassed to go to the professor.
And Mom or Dad are not in person giving the nudges to wake up, or to see that they actually haven’t started that paper (but on the phone they are saying they did), and the subtle scaffolding and the guardrails that help them handle things and stay on track are back at home.
The EF and mental health aspects really need to be at a level where the student is steady, and is able to seek out and use the resources that are available, as in college the resources don’t seek you out. The RA doesn’t wake you up or make sure that you’re eating well. The disability support office isn’t there to call you up and walk you through your classes, they work with you for documented accommodations. The mental health counselors don’t roam campus looking for kids that look sad, you have to initiate contact and fill out paperwork and make appointments and keep them. And on and on. It’s a huge amount of independence and freedom and resources, but the students must be able to access and use those resources on their own. Unlike high school, Mom or Dad can’t call and talk to their advisor.
Helping her learn how to help herself and work in a way that works best with her brain is one of the biggest things I can recommend to you in her remaining time in high school. It’s a lot to make plans for, and I understand where you’re coming from as a parent, my student just finished his sophomore year in college and it’s been a journey
I am looking for suggestions/ideas of programs that have been helpful for students with ADHD who are very bright, interested in STEM, and neurodistinct. All the rest is noise for us to sift through and evaluate - in terms of size, you are right that UCONN is big, but if they have a program that is incredible, maybe that factor slides down the ladder. This is not an exact science but really an exercise in sifting and sorting to try to figure out what is the best fit. And, again, she very well may elect to take a gap year doing service somewhere outside the US (she has expressed an interest). But I"m just gathering info for her to sort and evaluate. So I very much genuinely appreciate the “you are taking the wrong approach” notes - I really am just looking for people similarly situated who found institutions that worked for them (and why). The rest will sort itself because my D27 is an incredible advocate for herself with us - and has a very strong ability to say no.
One of my sons has adhd – and I can SO relate to everything you’ve written! For those who don’t know, anxiety/depression have a high correlation with adhd.
I only have a few minor points –
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My son wrote about his adhd in his common app essay. It was in the context of his summer job on a farm making hay, which is brutally hard – he wrote about how he always thought he was lazy due to his adhd, but his job showed him that he was actually an incredibly hard worker. The essay also talked about the ways his adhd helped him, for example he spotted and rescued a choking calf that no one else noticed. Not to say your daughter should write about adhd, just to say it can be done, and done successfully. I would note, though, that he didn’t write about the adhd as an explanation for low grades.
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He played soccer in college and it was one of the best things he ever did.
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Your daughter is only halfway through high school. My son was NOT ready for college at the end of 10th grade, but was on graduation. So where she is now is unlikely to be where she is in 2 years.
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We found small schools to be the best fit – less bureaucracy, more interactions with profs, easier to navigate. I actually can compare the small v large settings with this same kid because he started at Emory’s Oxford campus and then moved to the main campus where he fell through the cracks a bit.
As to where he is now: he is a teacher! He finds the structure of the day suits him, he loves being around people, and loves working closely with people. He has empathy for his students, and doesn’t get mad at them when they don’t turn in homework (or whatever). Only 3 months into his first year teaching, he told me two parents cried in his office during parent teacher conferences. “Why???!!!” I asked him. “Because they said I changed their child’s life”.
So – there is hope!!
(But also – he still struggles more with “life” than his neurotypical brothers, though I believe he will get there, it will just take him longer).
Thank you for this - I love that your son is a teacher and putting out into the universe what he probably would have loved to have when he was in school. My daughter has thrived as a server with a catering company as her part time job - she loves working and has worked in some form or fashion since she could get a work permit at 14. It provides structure and purpose, and the urgency of it is really well suited to her. I really appreciate your point about maturity during HS and how we still have some growing years ahead. That really resonates. Your son’s essay sounds like it was wonderful and an indirect way to let the readers know that was something they carried but without directly asking for accommodation for it in his evaluation. My D27 had the idea of writing an essay about how the rigor and discipline of Calc BC helped her ADHD overall - it was a kind of brain training that she felt the benefit of outside of class. I thought that was an interesting idea to get her talking about her love of math and her difference as well. Thanks @cinnamon1212!