I wonder what’s the worst thing that could happen to the boys and the H if OP were not available for 2-3 days? I think they would still be alive when OP returns. 
The apartment may not look the same, boy’s homework may not be done, probably no baths or change of clothes, and the H may be really exhausted, but so what.
When our oldest was in 9th grade and struggling with a recent diagnosis of Asperger’s, we decided to close H’s small law office and move his practice into the house. He’s been working from home ever since. I crunched the numbers and decided we could save the overhead on his office and, basically, as long as he earns that much each year, I don’t complain. Some years, he does better, some not so much.
In our suburban NYC community, homes with no parents present in HS become party central, unless the parents can afford to have someone in the house. However, many families who have nannies give them up in HS. My H being home meant that my kids could not just go to some other kid’s house after school as he would know. Cell phones let a kid be anywhere and lie to you about it (I don’t track my kids). It also meant that kids could come to our house and be supervised.
It’s not a bad idea to think about having someone in the house when middle schoolers get home.
As for you @Aspieration, please plan well for your future. IF you choose to leave the workforce, make sure that your H funds a Roth for you (there are non working spousal versions) fully every year that you are not working. Figure out how much you would be spending on people or activities to supervise your kids, clean the house, etc. and that money is your salary.
Also, as the parent of an Aspie in his late 20’s, who is incredibly smart, please know that their paths don’t always go the way you hope. My son used to talk about going to Stanford, but in HS, he decided that English isn’t a real subject, it should be treated like a FL and he was taking Latin for his FL so English wasn’t necessary. Anyway, I sent him to CC because I wasn’t going to invest a ton of money in a kid who won’t even take an English class seriously. He failed English, despite reading at age 3, having a vocabulary in second grade that topped out the testing charts and having “the widest fund of general knowledge” a psychologist who tested him in 8th grade had ever seen in a kid his age, because he didn’t buy into it as a subject. I pulled him out of school after that. Fast forward 8 years. He’s employed, with health insurance, a car, etc. He works as a mailman for USPS and likes it. He still lives at home but he’s had the same gf for 10 years; she has her issues as well. He’s finally thinking about going back to college… He’s looking at SUNY Empire State. If I told you that it didn’t bother me that he isn’t successful and that he didn’t finish college, I would be lying. OTOH, he’s alive and mentally and physically healthy. His bf from middle school died of a drug OD the year after HS. After that, I decided my son could do and be whoever he is, as long as he is alive.
You know, well employed with a stable job and steady girlfriend…many people would consider that success, particularly if he’s happy. He may very well be doing better than someone with hundreds of thousands of dollars of debt and a low paying job after years of education and an advanced degree. Even though as cc parents, we might consider education to be an indication of success, sometimes it’s merely a barometer of debt.
I would consider that success and I totally agree with you busdriver11.
That you find a way to compliment something that deserves no such thing is…well, I am struggling to find a word for it.
I will only echo what has already been said. Don’t wait another day to start taking care of yourself. You will be no good to your kids if your health tanks, since your DH obviously doesn’t prioritize anyone’s needs but his own.
Your DH would be “infuriated” if something happened to you, not because he would be devastated at harm coming to the woman he loves, but because he might have to give up training for marathons. Sorry, I’m just flabbergasted at this.
After reading your own assessment of your DH, I would advise you to not quit working entirely, but maybe dial down your hours. You never know when you might be forced by circumstances you have not envisioned to go it alone financially. You need to preserve your ability to work and provide for yourself and your kids if it were to come to that.
I agree with @Nrdsb4’s excellent post. I wouldn’t become financially dependent on such a person or permit my children to either.
I’d also search for a different counselor. It’s great that s/he recognizes that your husband won’t trouble himself to help you, but I have to wonder why they aren’t asking you why you’re willing to accept it. Neither Ann Landers nor her sister, Dear Abby, had professional training as far as I know, but I think both would have at least asked if you’re better off with him or without him. You deserve better than someone who doesn’t care if your life sucks.
I think the message is clear. Her Husband has told her to do whatever she wants. I think that’s a gift. It’s basically the exact same words I told my husband when he was contemplating taking a very early retirement. I didn’t want him to, because it put extreme financial pressure on me, so yes, it’s a gift from one spouse to another. No one can predict how one spouse will react if another spouse is seriously ill or worse. There is simply no strong case for “projecting” what the OPs husband “will do” if she were faced with a serious illness or worse let alone denigrate her spouse by presuming he will be devastated primarily by having to change up his marathon schedule more than the OPs potential illness or worse or that he wouldn’t step up with the kids if she were incapacitated. I know two couples with severely handicapped and mentally challenged children (who are in reality in their mid-twenties) and those couples often don’t agree on how they want to treat and handle those children/adults, but then marriage is always give and take and compromise and things don’t always go the way one or the another might like. But you simply can’t project and need to take it one day or one week at a time in my opinion.
She’s already said her spouse would go a different way in the treatment of the child. That isn’t going to change one way or another at this point in time. That’s not to say that the OP or her spouse would not change their mind somewhere down the line. And since they are following her desires, her husband has said, do what you want. That seems like a pretty clear answer to me for now. Maybe she wanted more from him, but sounds like he’s been pretty upfront. Better being straightforward than playing games in my opinion.
A complaining spouse is complaining. It doesn’t mean that he can’t handle the kids alone. It means that he doesn’t want to. Want and can’t should not be confused.
Yes and there are always two sides to every story. The OP has put a stake in and said taking care of challenging kids is her number one priority and she wants to do it her way possibly changing up her employment to give her more time with the kids. Her husband said to go for it. Neither is a victim or a bad person.
The sense I’m getting is that OP is considering a job change because, even after direct requests and therapy, her husband refuses to give her any help and she’s exhausted. Posters aren’t projecting how her husband would deal with her incapacitation. Those are her words. “I agree your life sucks but I’m not changing my life to help you” aren’t the words of a supporting spouse trying to empower his wife.
I believe from previous posts that the spouse does not support the path the OP chose with regard to one if the childten’s issues. He is saying that he supports her if she wants to change up her work situation to follow through on the path she chose. Subtle but important distinction within a marriage in my opinion. When my husband retired I told him in numerous conversations I wasn’t going to give him his spending money since he could have looked for another job and worked 10 more years. I supported his decision to retire at 50 but had zero plans to fund his fun money until he could collect social security or we could tap retirement funds. My H figured it out and what he would do and I am sure the OP can also. I still think through the OPs post that the husband has been transparent. She may not be happy about the trajectory of her original choice but that choice was on the table and had been made for the immediate future. It sounds like she has good counsel with her therapist.
@busdriver11 and @momofthreeboys -
Thank you.
This is what I came up with, too. From prior posts, it does not seem to me like this is the selfish, uncaring husband that others are seeing. It sounds like he works hard and pays expensive bills so the kids can do activities, live where they need to for schools, and S1 can have the treatment the OP thinks he needs, even though he disagrees with it. He will pay for household help, support the OP to do (or not do) whatever work she chooses. He does help around the house and watches the kids.
It seems that he may not be the parent the OP wishes he would be, but she is a more dedicated parent than any other I have heard about. Maybe he is just a normal person and thinks she is going over the top for the kids. But that’s what she thinks is needed. So who is to say what’s right? I can’t see begrudging him job related travel and fitness training. Not everyone is capable of giving up every second of their life to be the perfect parent. Sometimes you need to take what you can get, and not expect someone to be what you wish they’d be. I agree there are two sides to every story.
When I read what the OP does for her kids (and I have an Aspie), I realize that I must have really sucked. But despite my complete suckinesss as a parent, he is doing great!
I doubt you sucked! Everyone approaches issues both from an emotional and intellectual position and the position and balance between the two at any given point can be akin to a seesaw!
I don’t know. I sure haven’t done every possible thing and taken care of every possible need for my kids like the OP has. I feel like I did my best, but I was gone a lot with my job and did 21 years of opposite schedules with my husband so someone could always be home. And when I came home, I was often tired. I avoided many opportunities to help out at school because I didn’t care for dealing with kids other than my own, or their friends. I’m pretty sure I would have been a disappointing spouse for the OP (if I was a dude, that is). But things seemed to have worked out pretty well for my kids so far, in spite of my imperfections.
I believe that instead of wanting to have the perfect spouse and parent, sometimes you just have to work with what you got. Some people get closer to their kids as they get older, and have more common interests. I don’t think it’s good to focus on people’s weaknesses, but better to play on their strengths. Better to have some of Dad’s attention, than none of it at all. And a husband who will pay for and support your choices for the children, even when he doesn’t agree, is not that common.
I don’t think the OP is expecting perfect. There is a whole lot of middle ground between perfect and what the OP is getting. She’s so worn out that she is just becoming resigned to what she is getting from her spouse.
I would caution people in this thread against piling up harsh words against OP’s husband or advising divorce. We don’t know the family and all the circumstances, and it’s not a good idea to try and poison their relationship. I’ve been in a somewhat similar situation.
I don’t recall anyone advising divorce, but if that happened, I agree that that’s going too far. However, I do think it’s wise for her to not do anything to put her ability to work in the future at risk. I sat out of nursing for 10 years in order to parent my middle school/high schoolers, and I am lucky the wisdom of that was not tested. In retrospect, I should have kept my nursing license at least minimally active.
I agree with keeping a hand in one’s job, and that sounds very possible in the OP’s occupation. From other threads, though, I have not gotten the takeaway that the H is a bad guy at all. Just someone who has a successful and fulfilling career, has taken up marathon training and does not have the same parenting style and is not willing to put in the same energy as the OP.
The kids are at school all day. S1 is much easier to handle, H said he would do more in the morning so the OP could exercise, and hire household help. This sounds like a lull. Maybe now is the time to take up something for yourself and stop worrying about everything, though I’m sure it’s now a habit. Instead of being resentful of H’s hobbies and contentment,find something for yourself. That sounds like what he is saying, also. You’re already doing walking, why not do it with a friend you can talk to, and move up to slow jogging. Besides being healthful for you, it’s a stress reliever and will help your fatigue.
With $$$, there are so many things you can hire out to make your life less stressful. Even an afternoon of someone else watching your kids so you can do XYZ.
It was my experience that our kids needed LESS of my time as they got older and were in high school. That doesn’t mean we didn’t spend time together, but unlike the younger years where nearly everything required a parent going with or a parent providing transportation, the high school years gave me a lot of freedom I simply did not experience when they were younger.
The amount of parental duties slid off my plate dramatically. The kids were driving and getting themselves around. The kids had their own money and were learning to manage it by purchasing their own clothes etc. The kids ate at home less often and so I was shopping & cooking less often. I mean, there were a whole host of tasks, and decisions that I was not involved in more than observer and “I’m here if you need me”.
All of this to say, by time HS and then college rolled around, I was leaning into work more and more. With both kids out of the house, I’ve jumped ship from the family-friendly job I had for 17 years, to something new. Sure, I’m in touch with both kids by text and phone calls, but one lives on the other side of the country now and the other 8 hours away.
I’m not sure @Aspieration can “see” how quickly this can happen, seemingly overnight – going from a hands-on parent, often overwhelmed with too much to do and too many decisions to make re: the children-- to POOF – just you & your life.
I’ve asked @Aspieration in other threads, who are you going to be when parenting is not your primary job? Don’t wait to think about it. I’d be very wary of scaling back at work, thinking the kids are going to need you “more”. That has not been my experience at all (again, just my experience), and work has been an anchor during the craziness of the teen years.
Post #52 @busdriver11 makes important points and I wish I could like it with an exclamation point. A good therapist should be able to help the OP with all sorts of things that are pressing on her mind.