I appreciate all of the discussion. This has been very therapeutic to read (you can send me your bill everyone). I’ve been AWOL because S1 had a downward spiral at the end of the academic year. Meltdowns, toxic words and the resurgence of some mildly aggressive behavior (think intentionally stomping on a foot) which I thought we had long moved past. So far school has been understanding (not kicking him out - yet). On top of that, he has become restrictive about food – he now has maybe a dozen foods that are acceptable. (Luckily all good: fruit, lentil soup, yogurt, almond butter – but nothing frozen (must be fresh), no meats or cheeses, nothing from a can or tetra box). His CBT therapist is setting up an appointment with a dietician who specializes in kids with issues around eating/foods. I’ve also asked her to set-up an appointment with a psychiatrist. I’m not fcking around with eating (pardon my french). If he wakes up one day and will only eat one thing we may need to act aggressively, and despite all of my fears, YES that may mean medication. So my whole ‘what am I doing with my life’ thing is completely on hold. My boss has said “please dial down your commitment to whatever you need (e.g. 50% time) but don’t quit. I don’t want to lose you and you deserve a career.” H is suggesting quit rather than go 50% time because it will be more than 50% time (that’s the kind of person I am). Back to S1 - he is also fixated on fitness in general. He briefly wore a step tracker (that H bought for me) but said that the thing stressed him out too much. Then S2 went for it and started announcing his steps, calories burned, etc. S1 said that THAT was stressing him out because he maybe was getting less exercise than S2. S1 also worries about getting less flexible when he does yoga. We got his pediatrician to write a script for OT so he can talk to a pro about physical health, fitness etc. My head is started to explode. You know how CBT is all about working through distortions we have in our minds? Like phobias? The goal is to see (through controlled exposure and affirmation but gentle challenge to feelings) that things are not as bad/scary as you think. I’m beginning to wonder if my whole mental model of S1 is a giant distortion. That this kid *I see - with all these incredible strengths and so much potential - is a total mirage. AND WORSE that I project that mirage to S1. So S1’s sense of self is fed by his mother’s hallucination about who he is, his potential. S1 is home this week, a few days with a sitter, a few days with me. He starts a therapeutic special needs camp Monday for 5 weeks. I have no idea how it will go. Could be a complete catastrophe. I don’t know what happens then. He can’t sit with a babysitter all summer. H has been helping me set everything into motion. The camp is part of the same center where he receives CBT. We have parent orientation tomorrow and will attend weekly in-person parent training sessions for the next 5 weeks. Date night, special needs edition. Sorry for the wall of text - the enter key on this laptop is broken.
I’m so glad you and your H and S2 will have a 5 week respite while your S1 is at camp! It sounds like a win/win and time to get your bearings.
I’d strongly encourage you NOT to act in haste regarding quitting your job or anything similar. It sounds like you’re excellent at your job AND appreciated and have the flexibility to dial back as desired (work with therapist to help you learn to REALLY dial back).
S1’s camp is a day camp with hours similar to school (not sleep away which would be unfathomable for S1). Agree not quitting in haste.
I recently discussed eating disorder with a friend. Her very young daughter is in treatment now for this disorder, and the symptoms my friend described are alarmingly similar to those you describe. I am glad you are paying attention and jumping in to get help.
Yes. Immediately. H is super alarmed. Thanks for sharing about your friend’s D.
H took S1 on a fun run this morning. 1.5 miles on the Hudson riverfront.
Could H be woke?!?
Eating disorder? Let the pros make that diagnosis. I have a friend with an autistic son, and he went through periods of eating just a few foods then changing his mind. Just because.
Whatever you do, I highly recommend not expressing your concerns anout nutrition in front of your kid. Does not want anything but green peas for dinner? Terrific. Wants ice cream for breakfast? Ok. Keep an eye on it, but whatever you do, do not show that you are concerned TO THE KID. Your son knows how to get your attention away from work or his brother… by doing something that sends mom in a near heart attack mode.
I’m so sorry you have new issues to deal with, after things were going so well with S1. Though a fixation on exercise and healthy foods might not be so bad, as long as it doesn’t get crazy. Hopefully running with H is a positive experience for both of them, as something to share together.
I agree with not showing too much concern over food, if you think this is for attention getting. We had plenty of food issues at my house…only certain foods would be eaten. I gave up on the food wars, I lost. I settled on providing a good assortment of healthy foods I knew he might eat, and just put them on his plate and brought it to him. Sometimes he ate them, sometimes he didn’t. I regret trying to fill in the missing calories with sugar.
It sounds like you have a wonderful boss.
Maybe I’m missing something but be careful you don’t jump to conclusions about the focus on “healthy” to be a problem.
If organized sports are not this thing becoming aware of his movement (steps) and maybe even taking up short runs with your H seems…normal and happily healthful! Maybe it will be a short lived interest, maybe not.
Be careful you’re not over monitoring or over examining all space of his life. Let some things play out a little while monitoring from a distance.
I work with kids in a health care setting and using a Fitbit has been a popular activity for many kids. It’s like a math game. Kids like games and personal challenges. Be aware if things get out of control but don’t predict they will get out of control from the start.
I hear all that are cautioning me not to over-react or over-analyze. I let many things go, filed under quirky. Eating is just not one of them. I want a pair of professional eyes on that.
S1 vehemently hated camp at orientation tonight. Is worried about “summer slump” unless he does academic work and exercising. This camp is staffed with psychologists and so they were not daunted by his meltdown. I talked him into giving it a try if they added in some academic work. He drew up a list of five topics (e.g. math) and about 25 sub-topics (e.g. genetics) he wanted to cover. The head psychologist took his list and convinced him to add a few group games (e.g. tag). We shall see how this plays out. I’m predicting a bust after 2 days… maybe 1.
I hope there’s no meltdown. He seems awfully young to be worried about “summer slump”. And the reality is, he can study and read whatever he wants at night and on weekends, can’t he? Same with exercising, and no doubt there will be plenty of chances to do that at camp. If those are his two problems with the camp, it sounds like he’s looking for reasons to object to the camp. I could believe many objections to a camp, but those two sound like manufactured reasons designed to appeal to an adult. I hope he gives it a chance. What do you think of the camp when you look around, is it his type of place, his people?
Hmmm . . .I know it’s not really good to armchair diagnose, but some of what @Aspieration is describing with her son sound a bit like OCD. Very compulsive behaviors - does that sound right to OP?
This is why we’re bringing in more experts: dietician, OT and a psychiatrist. I really don’t know what is at the bottom of it.
@Aspieration, how is the start of the school year going for you and your family? I hope the changes have worked out well for everyone.