A friend of mine got divorced about a month ago, after about a year of being “in the process.” I don’t get the impression that she or her ex-husband told many people, and if she hadn’t told me that they were getting divorced, I wouldn’t have guessed–she referred to him as “my husband” throughout the process, their FB statuses still show them as being married to each other, etc. As it was, they got along so well that I sometimes wondered if they had indeed called off the divorce, but they didn’t. I know that handling a the “telling” part of a divorce is probably incredibly tricky and maybe the less said, the better–heck, handling a non-divorce breakup is tricky enough–but is this level of “hiding” a divorce typical? I’m not yet 30, so I’ve only seen a small handful of people get divorced.
It’s not common from what I’ve seen but perhaps she’s still trying to process it emotionally. Divorce can be one of the biggest stressors people experience throughout their life. Although it is fairly common, it can still have some stigma in certain social circles/cultures/religions.
“Former spouse” is awfully wordy, and “ex” has such negativity. It differs from “ax” by only one letter.
@GMTplus7 , heh. They seem about as amicable as former spouses can be, thankfully.
@doschicos , I’ve considered that. On one hand, the divorce was entirely her idea–and was a bit of a shock–but on the other, she’s mentioned that she finds it to be really difficult and stressful anyway. I can’t say I entirely understand why she wanted to go through with it, but I want to support her emotionally, regardless, as much as I can. She’s been a really good friend to me, so it’s the least I can do. 
Re FB status, I think that for our generation, they simply don’t think to check up on it / change it. It’s not like the young ones who started on FB precisely when a big piece of it was communicating “in a relationship.”
I never put a relationship status on FB and I never will. Ugh.
If she wants to keep it to herself I would respect her wishes. She is probably going through a stressful time right now and probably doesn’t want people gossiping about her private business. It maybe a cultural thing but let her be the one communicating it to whomever she wants. If she hasn’t told anyone else I would assume she told you in confidence. Many times after a divorce the once good friends become distant strangers because people don’t want to get involved or have to choose which side they would like to keep up with. Divorce changes many relationships and it is quite stressful for this person trying to transition to being single again. I am a believer that many people don’t care when you are having problems and then there are others that get happiness from seeing others going through a difficult time. It is through difficult times you find out who your true friends are that will stick by you. The rest are just acquaintances. In some cultures divorce is frowned upon and maybe she is just not ready to come to terms with it and share her personal struggles with people. Simply put she is not ready to answer any personal questions people may ask. Some people get too nosy and ask very personal questions. Right now she probably needs a good friend that she can count on that will be there just to listen and provide moral support so that she can vent out her frustrations and concerns. Even if she was the one who initiated the divorce proceedings it is a very stressful experience and for some people comes a period of mourning. She needs time to emotionally recover and heal before she is ready to face people. She may fear being judged in a negative way. She may also have worries about her future. Just give her the time she needs to get her life back together again but let her know you are there for her if she ever needs to talk.
I know an older man who kept his separation private. They were snowbirds, and he would tell neighbors she went up North early. He was hurting, and didn’t feel like explaining anything to anybody. Six months later, he was ready.
I have an in-law who divorced and didn’t tell his siblings for more than a year after the fact.
I think he was embarrassed.
D babysits for a neighborhood family. She was over there a lot last summer. They didn’t call for a while. After a few months the dad called for a sitter,–btw, they got divorced, the sitting job is at his new house–miles away. The kids told D, oh, yeah, our parents got divorced a couple years ago. They were just living in the same house. (until the dad got serious with someone else. . .) Kinda weird, but whatever.
A co-worker of mine told me last week that she and her husband have been separated for nine months and are getting divorced. It seems like she’s taking her time telling people. She may be a bit embarrassed since it was a huge wedding and she invited the whole office.
I have a sibling and a few cousins who underwent divorce, and my aunts/uncles/parents (the older generation) were all very secretive about acknowledgement of it, like it was some dark, shameful topic for family gossip. I felt no embarrassment for my sib & cousins, only a desire to support them.
I’m going through a divorce (which I initiated), and I’ve discovered that it’s difficult to decide who, when, and how to reveal it. I thought the hardest thing would be telling my adult children, but I guess that isn’t true, because they and I survived me telling them, but I haven’t told my mom yet. I told some people at work (people I consider good friends). I told my siblings. Once I had told my own children, I told my sibs they could tell their kids, too. I don’t know if my husband has told his siblings, but it’s not my place to ask them or him. I haven’t told neighbors. On one hand, they’ve noticed that he is almost never at our house; on the other hand, he started with the almost never being at the house several years ago, and I filed for divorce only in December.
As much as I think the divorce is the right thing to do, I’m sad and embarrassed and ashamed about it. I decided to get a divorce because my husband in essence abandoned me and even if I don’t tell people anything about the reasons, I feel, irrational though it might be, that they know I wasn’t wanted.
I have an, ex-first and former husband and I get why some people don’t openly share that news. Sometimes couples remain married for financial reasons, particularly when it comes to their children and college expenses . Even in the most amicable divorces, it is very difficult to go through the emotions that you face.
I was married to my first husband rather young and we were married for 10 years, 8 of which were together. I consider myself very lucky to have the relationship with him that I do, and even luckier that he and my current husband get along great.
It made it a lot easier for our children. We both remain close to each other’s families as well , although it wasn’t so rosy in the beginning. It was particularly difficult to tell my parents and I lost some people in my life because of it…people may keep it quiet because they just cannot deal with other’s reactions when they are dealing with their own pain and keeping things together for their children as much as possible
Thanks for all the replies–and my sympathy (and empathy, to the degree that a rough breakup is similar to a divorce) to those of you who have gone through it. Calling it rough and complicated seems like an understatement.
Update: I find that it’s kind of weird talking to our mutual friends, as I don’t know whether or not they know about the divorce, and I don’t want to “out” it if they don’t. For example, I went to visit the friend recently–she and her ex both moved to the same, new town after the divorce–and one of our mutual friends asked how her pets were. I was like “oh, I saw the dog she kept, and he was good,” and I wasn’t sure if that was saying too much.
Adding to this is that I don’t think any of our mutual friends think that we’re close at all. I’ve had people say “You visited her? Why?” or people come up to her parties–including one she only had for "close friends:–and ask me why I was there. So, I don’t think anyone would think that I would know much of anything about her personal life at all (I do think she thinks of us as fairly close; she’s told me that she “loves me a lot” and that she’ll “be my friend forever, no mater what.”).
She is lucky to have your friendship and obviously values you as a dear and loyal friend. 
A friend divorcing is talking about the difficulty of telling people. When I asked if I could mentioned it to friends in our very social neighborhood, she said that people knowing without having to tell them herself was a relief.
As I was subject to a lot of terrible behavior during my marriage, combined with hm being a rat in the leaving, I was happy to tell people I was separating, though I knew it was permanent. The divorce was a few years later. Though I also wished him no community ill will, either and we stayed relatively amicable for many years.
Perhaps you could ask if you are close, if she minds you telling at this late point, when such questions arise? It sounds very awkward for you with mutual friends.
She tends to be selective about who she tells what in general, so I kind of feel like she told the people here who she wanted to tell (I have no idea why I was one of them). I remember once when I was with her, her best friend, and another person she knew less well, and she was kind of half-joking about something that happened with a family member. When the person she knew less well left, she was like “no, seriously, the thing with my family member actually really hurt me.” There’s been another instance or two of things like that that makes me think that she’s very methodical about how and with whom she shares information. I figure she has her reasons.
Awww, thanks! Ironically, I often fell like she would probably be better off we hadn’t become friends–she’s helped me through some stressful things in my life since we’ve become friends, and I feel kind of guilty for that.
I am a fairly private person. I didn’t openly talk about my divorce with people in general, especially at work. It wasn’t because I was ashamed, but felt it was no one’s business. If it should come up in my conversation (rarely), I would refer to my former husband as Ex. If my kids were around I would refer to him as their dad. This weekend my kids and I went to a restaurant we used to go to as a family. A waiter asked where was their dad, I just said he was busy and couldn’t come. The girls were happy with that response.
I knew a couple who were separated for a year before they told their closest friends. We socialized with them for a whole year without a clue. They looked perfectly happy together. It took them another 5+ years before they were legally divorced. They waited until their kids left the house. They are still friends with separate SO now.
She probably feels the same way? It sounds like you’re helping her through a stressful period in her life and maybe she feels a little, kind of guilty burdening you with this. You are a good friend.