<p>Ok, my patience has been tested and I’m seeking refuge in the CC community. Son is a college freshman who has had an on-again, off-again relationship since summer. Long story short, GF is a HS senior who simply cannot handle him being away, has ‘broken up’ with him, yet continues to text him incessantly (all day and night) with cat and mouse games. Grades haven’t suffered so far but we’re getting concerned. He’s miserable both with her and without her, but seems hell-bent on trying to ‘make things better.’ …give me strength 
We try to listen (when he feels like sharing) and help guide him through this with a lot of tongue biting, hoping and praying that he will wise up and end it! Who has survived the dreaded HMGF/lovesick son?? Do the boys finally ‘get it’ and ditch 'em, or do they (gasp) stick it out for far too long??? The drama is hard to watch…sooo prefer comedies ;)</p>
<p>Never been there, but as a Mom, I feel for you and your son. I’ve heard a lot about the Turkey Drop which typically takes place at the end of the month. Maybe he will tire of the drama and see he has other options. best of luck!</p>
<p>I have 2 girls, and both of them are rather high maintenance. BUT once there is a break up (doesn’t matter who did the break up), it is done. I am actually quite surprise by that, and both of them are like that. We are talking about nada. </p>
<p>D1 likes to tell me everything that goes on with her life, D2 not so much. I am currently in the midst with all the ups and downs of her current boyfriend. I know better by now not to bad mouth the bf, no matter what. </p>
<p>When she complains, I ask her what is really bothering her about his actions. With this current bf, she has come up with few reasons why he is not behaving the way she would like him to behave. I said to her, “If you didn’t know the reasons, would his behavior be acceptable? If the answer is no, then you need to move on. His reasons are his personal problem.”</p>
<p>It’s so painful, but truth be told, there’s little you can do, or should try, to help. Some boys just take a bit longer to figure things out.</p>
<p>I think the answer is both. They finally get it AND they stick it out too long. My S is still a high school senior but I was afraid that his HMGF was going to pick his college. Finally, she texted another guy while they were at a concert and he couldn’t take it any more. It was so, so hard for him for weeks. Now, with a little distance, he says that he learned a lot from her and they talk some at school. </p>
<p>I tried to stress text-free periods of study with checking his phone on breaks but I know that won’t work in college. Also, he had a friend with a low maintenance girlfriend and it was good for him to see the difference. I think you are smart not try to tell him what to do. If I were you, I would try to stress enjoying college and turning off the phone during some activities. Also, if you think he is going to spend the whole Thanksgiving holiday at her house, I would plan a short family day-trip or at least a family meal in a restaurant. During my daughter’s freshman-year Thanksgiving, she spent most of the time off with high school friends. Good luck!</p>
<p>Would it be better if he was at home, (not) doing college applications and she was at college? </p>
<p>Their relationship will get resolved, it’ll just take time. I suggest you stay out of it, and maybe even discover it wasn’t meant to be. Just curious: how is it that you’re involved? I assumed your son lived at school, but maybe not. And also, do you have any daughters?</p>
<p>He sounds so earnest! If your couple relationship is tight and close, your S might be channeling you and your mate’s loyalty at an age when it’s not yet called for. This might be a great time – for no particular reason or reference to her – to both tell him stories of all the ditched girlfriends and boyfriends from each of your past, and the times you were ditched. It will let him know that it’s okay.</p>
<p>Would he be willing to get a new cellphone number? It would pretty much stop the text messages cold.</p>
<p>Ahem! As a HMW myself, I would recommend you stay out of it. As other threads have pointed out, your S’s HMGF may someday become your HMDIL. Also, it’s been my observation that our children pick G/B friends that follow a familial model. Anyway, this is all good – how will he recognize and appreciate the great girl if he hasn’t been through something like this?</p>
<p>My older s dated a high maintenance girlfriend (long distance, no less) for 2 1/2 years. There was one break-up and reunite before the final break-up. She also had a very toxic, controlling mother. They do wise up. I tried to stay out of it for the most part, though was a sympathetic ear when he asked and wanted to talk. One thing I said early on to him something that he said stuck with him and resonated. I said something like “it feels good to be needed, but eventually it gets old”. The neediness finally grated on him enough that he broke it off. It was the right thing to do.
Good luck!</p>
<p>lol I hear you mousegray. And jym626…you sound like a wise mom. Thanks for the input! To answer some questions, yes he is away at school and we are only ‘involved’ to the extent that he has been coming home on the train on weekends (at his own expense) to attempt to make their relationship work (paying3…I think you hit the nail on the head.) But he always returns to school feeling somewhat down and deflated. We actually really like the girlfriend (she had always been pleasant and friendly to us) but now with the separation, see a pattern of manipulation that seems to be affecting him. We do know that he will work through it on his own, our only concern is the distraction with school. Such is life! But thanks again for the venting platform and your thoughtful feedback :)</p>
<p>My daughter is in a relationship with her boyfriend from highschool so this makes about 5 years that they know each other and about four years that they have been a “couple”. It is hard to watch when you can see the problems with a relationship but my rule of thumb is that I point out the concerning issues and than I keep my mouth shut. The annoying BF or GF may end up be the annoying DIL or SIL.</p>
<p>My advice: do something with your son that he enjoys but the GF does not like to do…then tell him, “Wasn’t that fun? I really enjoyed doing that with you!” You are not saying anything against the GF, but he may realize that she does not have as much in common with him.
Hopefully, you can find something like this that is free or nominal in cost!
If he is down or deflated, you can say, “You seem down and deflated today.” Maybe, through gentle questioning (not negative comments about GF, just questioning about how HE feels), you can get him to see what the problem is.
Good luck!</p>
<p>I’m a college student. This is how I see it. I would LOVE for my parents to let me know if they feel like they see something bad going on in my relationship. I would also LOVE for them to tell me when they see something good. Some parents are too involved; some parents are too hands off. Some parents are hands off until they see something bad (not good). Personally, though, I’d like to see more involvement or thoughts from my own parents about my relationship, in a logical and non judgmental way, of course. </p>
<p>That said, parents must know their kids are taking this advice with a (justified) grain of salt. We know we are your “baby” and you often turn a blind eye to our own faults. We know that you are not inside SO’s head. We know that you are biased, essentially. </p>
<p>But a healthy skepticism of parent’s advice doesn’t mean it is not wanted…as long as involvement is non judgmental and logical.</p>
<p>In the girlfriend’s defense, I’d mention that she IS going through the difficult college application season, and may be very stressed because of it. I’d add that this is actually a good thing for their relationship, and for your son’s future relationships. He can see what she is like during difficult times, and he can learn the clues about being used, and where limits need to be set. You can’t teach these things, and you can’t protect him from them. But I do feel your pain, seeing him unhappy and suspecting there is too much manipulation going on. Think of this phase as a necessary part of his education, and try to stay detached.</p>
<p>It really is all about perspective isn’t it. Thanks for offering new and insightful ones. Relationships truly are a part of their education and, to be honest, we’re very proud of how he is handling it on top of his schoolwork and other commitments. A valuable ‘lesson in life.’</p>
<p>Sometimes you just have to sit back, be a good listener and wait until they have had enough to stand-up for themselves. My daughter recently ended a very long-term (3 1/2 year) relationship. Because she is still very much in-love and hope they will work things out and get back together, she entertained a lot of attention from her ex who keeps telling her he wants to get back with her, but he needs to date others to make sure he is sure she is the one. Now, he hasn’t started dating anyone else and is actually obsessing over my daughter and the fear that someone else will win her heart before he is “ready” to recommit. </p>
<p>The background: shortly after they left for separate colleges he emotionally pulled away from her and always had an excuse for not having time to talk, text or Skype with her. During the few conversations they had he was rather cold and non-supportive. After she had had enough, she broke-up with him. It was like a slap to his face and he immediately apologized and accepted all of the blame for the break-up and agreed that he wasn’t able to be in a committed relationship right now.</p>
<p>Immediately, he started contacting her all of the time, making sure he said all of the right things. He visited her last weekend and they got along great. The problem is, all of this “perfect” behavior gave my daughter hope they will reunite, but he keeps telling her that he loves her and thinks she is the one, but he needs to make sure, so he won’t recommit, but he also won’t leave her alone. Finally, yesterday, she had enough and the light bulb went off in her head and realized he was keeping her on a string and she had to make a clean break. She made it clear to him to stop contacting her constantly and move on. It is hard for her, but she is handling it and she has a cute chemistry lab partner who appears to be interested, so maybe he will help her with this. </p>
<p>I wanted her to make a clean break right after the break-up, but she needed time. Give your son time, the light bulb will probably go off soon.</p>
<p>How does he even have this problem? He’s in college, what is it all male? hahaha</p>
<p>umcp11, your lips to God’s ears. Although I have not had this experience with my son, I have watched both my brother’s go through this. The end result for both of them has not been good.</p>
<p>“I would LOVE for my parents to let me know if they feel like they see something bad going on in my relationship. I would also LOVE for them to tell me when they see something good.”</p>
<p>Me too! In my observation, once the kids marry with parental approval, the parents need to step back and hush up, because their involvement usually makes things more difficult. But when we’re talking about candidates for marriage, their advice/opinion is priceless to me.</p>