<p>I agree. I think it is an issue with boundaries rather than someone with Asberger. The comment he made to the hostess of the first party about her “forgetting” to invite him so he showed up anyway seemed like a challenge to me. It’s as if he’s daring someone to try to keep him out.</p>
<p>“I would tell my daughter to be kind and welcome the kid because he probably is lonely.” - I agree (unless there is risk of danger/stalking). </p>
<p>Suggestion - Pair him up in conversation with a chatty aunt or somebody else that needs extra attention. If he gets annoying, assign some chores and hope he leaves.</p>
<p>Consolation in post #31 has the right answer. Deal with this beforehand with a kindly worded (yet clear and firm) message.</p>
<p>Since D evaded the issue when it recently came up, unless someone is going to contact him beforehand, I think this is the best response.</p>
<p>Suggestion - Pair him up in conversation with a chatty aunt or somebody else that needs extra attention. If he gets annoying, assign some chores and hope he leaves.</p>
<p>Get him in a corner with my FIL, and he would never try to come back.</p>
<p>^^^
Hahaha! I have a variety of choices in my family that I can use as guest repellents. The poor kid would think he was in grad party purgatory.</p>
<p>I vote with Consolation’s post #31. There’s no need to humiliate the kid in public.</p>
<p>Failing that, way back in the day at my college baccalaureate I learned that there are 3 things in life that are important:
- To be kind
- To be kind
- To be kind.</p>
<p>I’d limit parent involvement to preventing drinking or kids who present safety issues. If the kid’s just a “bore” and is harmless, as a parent I’d stay out of it except to make sure that my kid understood the importance of being polite and tactful, and that there are worse things in life than an unwanted “bore” at your party.</p>
<p>*Get him in a corner with my FIL, and he would never try to come back. *</p>
<p>LOL…If my FIL were still alive, I’d offer him up. My H actually got mad a ME once for leaving my H alone with his own dad for an hour and a half.</p>
<p>I love Consolations solution, this note is perfect;</p>
<p>
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<p>I’m somewhat in the minority on this, but I think there are certain joyous “end of an era” or “beginning of an era” celebrations, where it makes sense to invite old friends, for the sake of the old friendship, even if it has cooled in the interim. Joe was apparently a friend of the group from grades 1-8. Then he was sent to the Catholic school, so the friends parted ways to some extent. Perhaps Joe never felt as comfortable with the new crowd, as with the old. I feel sorry for Joe.</p>
<p>Would the people who think that Joe should be excluded feel the same way if most of the crowd had moved on to a private school, while Joe was left behind in the public school system?</p>
<p>Alternatively, suppose that at some point you are having a big party to celebrate your daughter’s Christening. You invite all the good fairies, but pointedly neglect to invite one, because she is <em>evil</em>–oh, wait, that’s Sleeping Beauty. But I think there might be a message there about excluding people.</p>
<p>My viewpoint on this is somewhat affected by an incident that happened to a friend in 7th grade (and I still remember it). A group of girls were having a party, and called my friend to tell her that she wasn’t invited, because she wasn’t mature enough. True story. I couldn’t make up this kind of thing.</p>
<p>If Joe showed up drunk, or if he was threatening in any way, that’s a whole different story. But if someone is just sort of boring . . .</p>
<p>Joe is certainly adding intrigue to the upcoming party! Will he show or won’t he? I’m siding with those who say that it is better to include than to exclude. As long as Joe is harmless, what’s the harm? Do you know Joe’s story? Ever met his parents? There must be more to Joe than an annoying personality and I would want to understand why Joe behaves this way.</p>
<p>I like the idea of having an older, verbose relative monopolize him all night - we have a few in my family who would love to have a fresh set of ears for all of their stories! At the very least, this would give Joe pause the next time he decides to crash a party. Your D could even Facebook message Joe, “My Aunt Rita is dying to see you - she remembers you from middle school and can’t wait to catch up.” Joe can stew for a few days wondering, “Who is Aunt Rita and why does she want to talk to me?”</p>
<p>“Would the people who think that Joe should be excluded feel the same way if most of the crowd had moved on to a private school, while Joe was left behind in the public school system?”</p>
<p>What does that have anything to do with anything?</p>
<p>I would welcome him in to the party and encourage D and friends to do the same. I see a lonely boy who has most likely not been invited to ANY parties and an opportunity to show some compassion here.</p>
<p>Pizzagirl, there are lots of bases for exclusion. In this case, Joe goes to the Catholic school, and his ex-friends go to the public school. We don’t know anything about the social dynamics in the city/town where the OP lives. </p>
<p>I raised the question about private vs. public schools in post #49 because the public/private split is a significant indicator of socio-economic status. Although the specifics don’t apply to Joe, I wonder whether there is a status differential between Joe and his old friends-- well, clearly there is a social status difference, but it’s not clear that it’s exclusively based on Joe’s personality. </p>
<p>(I realize that there are scholarships to private schools, etc. and not everyone who attends a private school is wealthier than those who go to public schools.)</p>
<p>QuantMech, the OP did state that Joe was never a friend of D’s, merely an annoying acquaintance, even back when they were in elementary school together.</p>
<p>Personally, I would err on the side of kindness, even though he does seem to have significant boundary issues, but as I said upthread, if the D <em>really</em> doesn’t want him to come she should send a kind but firm note privately and well in advance. He opened the door by asking her about her party, and she failed to deal with it at that time by being “evasive.” </p>
<p>And I <strong>really</strong> do not think the OP should call Joe’s parents! Think of their humiliation, and conversation they would be forced to have with him, and the pain that would inflict on the family! NO!!</p>
<p>I’m in the camp of those who think this boy doesn’t respect boundaries. I also think the fact that he noted that he wasn’t invited to the other party is a tip-off that he really knew he wasn’t wanted.</p>
<p>I know this may sound harsh, but I feel sorry for a lot of people, but I’m not going to make my kids let them all into their graduation parties. Now, if the D gave some hint that he would be invited or welcome, that’s a different story.</p>
<p>“Be kind. Be kind. Be kind.”</p>
<p>Well yeah … unless Joe has some issues appropriately dealt with NOW. We don’t know whether Joe has an invite, formal or informal, for the daughter’s party. What we do know is that Joe crashed the previous party, and may be crashing this one. Perhaps the naysayers (like me) are all wrong about this fine young lad. In that case mea culpa. But after rereading the OP and follow up posts, the dark side of me is envisioning Joe crashing this party, Joe crashing the next party, Joe “friending” girls while they’re at college, Joe crashing the daughter’s college graduation party, Joe crashing the daughter’s wedding reception … Exactly when is Joe going to be “called” on his behavior?</p>
<p>I do understand the “be kind” mantra. I might as well have it tattooed on my arm. I’m going to make one last suggestion, then I really honestly will butt out. The OPs daughter should make a clear decision to include this young man or not and then either formally extend an invitation to him or politely contact him and ask him not to attend (I think Colsolation’s idea was great). There should be no in between. </p>
<p>The boundaries are an issue, not only for the young man but for the OPs daughter. We should empower young women to make their wishes very clear when they encounter people who do not respect boundaries. I can not stress this enough. Call me an alarmist, say this is just an awkward kid, whatever, fine. She should make her wishes known. I am not faulting her for being evasive earlier. It’s hard to find the right balance. There is nothing wrong with telling him ‘yes’ via a formal invitation if she’s willing to include him. I do think there is potential (future) harm in allowing him to come in if he shows up uninvited. This would simply reinforce the behavior.</p>
<p>I might have misinterpreted the OP’s first sentence: D and friends were together grades 1-8, then “Joe” went to the local Catholic high school . . .
From the OP’s post, I understood that Joe was considered annoying (at least part of the time) in grades 1-8, but I thought the intro meant that Joe actually was part of their crowd, before high school. If not, why would he even call them or drop by?</p>
<p>To Joe: Dude, you need new friends. Seriously.</p>
<p>I think everyone needs to go back and read the OP. </p>
<p>He was not really a friend. </p>
<p>He was not invited to either the first party he crashed or to the OPs daughter’s party. </p>
<p>He made it known that he was well aware that he was not invited but showed up anyway.</p>
<p>There is no indication that he has Asberger Syndrome but rather is just plain obnoxious and, in a way, a bully.</p>
<p>I would be polite but firm with him and would abandon polite if need be.</p>
<p>I’ll weigh in from the perspective of the girl.</p>
<p>If I were her, and I quite clearly didn’t get along with/didn’t enjoy his company/whatever, disinvite Joe. I am all about including vs excluding, as a general rule, but this is the D’s graduation party. This should be about her, and her accomplishments and her enjoyment, and it should only include people she wants. It shouldn’t include someone just because it’s the nice thing to do. If the D is uncomfortable with Joe coming then contact him in advance. </p>
<p>It seems like at the friend’s party, he made himself a nuisance and contributed to awkward situations that lessened the enjoyment of the party. This is your D’s day to shine; as long as you’re kind and avoid humiliating him, I don’t see any reason to include him just to be ‘nice’.</p>