<p>^^^^
I agree with that. It’s not as if he’s a realtive.</p>
<p>OP here. This has been interesting to read, and I thank you all for your input. And to those who read carefully, you were right – d’s party was invitation only, and the FB invite was private, and in our community “open house” means you still need to be invited to come, but you can come and leave anytime between the specified hours (i.e. no dinner served, so show up, invited people, when you can). Although I don’t know “Joe” terribly well, I am a special educator of 20+ years, and really do not see him as on the spectrum or with other special needs. He’s just one of those kids who doesn’t get social cues…or doesn’t care to. There is no social divide between those who choose the parochial school versus those who attend the local public h.s. – we are a community with many families who choose either route, and both are fine. (We also had our share of kids who did K-8 at one of the local Catholic schools, then h.s. w/public school…not a big deal.) D and I discussed what she wanted to do about Joe potentially inviting himself to her party, and she decided if it was that important to him, she would do her best to say hi, then get busy with her other friends.</p>
<p>Anyway, the party was tonight. Kid guests included invited friends from h.s., her ballet class friends, some invited friends from church. Joe did show up early, walked right in. I said “Hello, Joe.” No response. He stepped away from the food area (of course, at that moment it was full of us boring adult-types). Hubbie said he spent a few minutes in the yard, then latched on to a couple of kids who were leaving (see definition of open house above) , saying that he really didn’t know a lot of the kids at d’s party, and he was moving on to something else. So thankfully it was really a non-issue. She had a fantastic time at her party, Joe was able to come and leave more gracefully than we had expected.</p>
<p>For his sake, I hope the kid learns about boundaries and social conventions when he goes to college. For my d, I am pleased with how the evening went.</p>
<p>Well! That was the best possible outcome! Maybe Joe realizes that he felt uncomfortable at the party because he was not, in fact, invited to the party. Probably not though. I have a feeling that he will crash more occasions before he figures it out. Poor kid! Good job, OP!!! Glad you had your D come up with the solution.</p>
<p>mommafrog, you and your D decided to take the high road. Congratulations to your D for deciding to be generous. Glad to hear it worked out well.</p>
<p>Although I probably shouldn’t be, I’m startled at Joe’s blatant rudeness to you.</p>
<p>
Great kid. I like her decision.</p>
<p>Thanks for the update OP!
I second the
</p>
<p>I am glad it turned out because this was one I could see both sides of the “issue” and I agreed with almost every post. Usually I can take a side :)</p>
<p>CONGRATULATIONS to you for raising a fine graduate!!!</p>
<p>Glad to hear that it worked out!</p>
<p>Maybe he didn’t answer you because he knew he wasn’t supposed to be there and thought he could read that in your greeting or the look on your face. But that presumes he is at least somewhat socially cued and there’s not much evidence to support that here. More likely, I think it is exactly what you said -it wasn’t what he was expecting in terms of the guest list and nobody was paying attention to him.</p>
<p>When your D goes away to college, and if she does not want to “defriend” him on FB it might be good timing for her to limit his access to her wall. </p>
<p>Open houses can be private and by invitation or widely advertised and to the public. It refers to the fact that people come and go at their leisure. If by invitation, it goes without saying that does not mean anyone is welcome to join in. Holiday parties and graduation parties are commonly open house because there are often many events scheduled simultaneously. Cocktail parties are often “open house” while a seated dinner calls for people to come at the specified time.</p>
<p>Also glad it all worked out!</p>
<p>Me too! (I prefer happy endings.)</p>
<p>One of my sons was always excluded from parties for some of the same reasons that Joe is. It was a tough go for him at high school since for him it was his own high school crowd that excluded him. Had nothing to do with being at another school. He was socially immature and a bore, and is probably still a bit that way. </p>
<p>But, you know, it’s been some years, and a lot of those kids who excluded him are finding him a truly fine young man and a good friend to have. He’s not cool. He’s boring. He’s not socially exciting. But he is an honest fellow who does what he says and is clear on what he will do. He will help you and do much for you. It’s taken a number of years, but these attributes have finally come home to a number of kids. </p>
<p>He had a classmate over the other night and they were talking about social things, and my heart hurt at the mean things that were done to this kid by parents and classmates alike. The mean part of me was glad that many of those paid for the way they were in terms of being cool and exclusive. Mine is truly a late bloomer, but he is turning out wonderfully.</p>
<p>I have others who were ever so popular in high school but they never, never excluded kids like this. This thread really put the hurt on me that these things are still happening, though, yes, I know they are.</p>
<p>I have the same feeling. Joe seems like a nice kid. I would have told my kid to warmly greet him if he is not really a troublemaker (except for low social skill).</p>
<p>cpt - thanks for your post. That is exactly why I encouraged the OP and her D to welcome “Joe”.</p>
<p>Funny, this post, which I don’t think had any ill will to it probably hurt me more than any of the 100s of thousands of posts I’ve read on this forum. If the kid were a true trouble maker, I would have had no qualms kicking him out personally. But just a kid who doesn’t quite fit in, well, that’s my sweet son.</p>
<p>^ cpt- aww, your post about your son made me sad yet relieved. Sad because it’s sad how some high school students can act that way, and relieved that your son’s obviously turned out well. Great to hear! :)</p>
<p>Yes, and this is real life. I don’t bear resentment towards the OP and her kids. It’s the way things work. But, yes, it hurts. And so far, yes, my son is blossoming beautifully. Which gives me much joy, but all of this is a journey with a lot of painful parts to it. What I found great about going to class reunions, is that for the most part, we’ve all grown up and become much nicer, even some of the mean kids. </p>
<p>And you know, even if he were still having this issue, he’s still mine, still a good soul, and I love him so as do all of us who know him well. But it does my heart a lot of good seeing that he is learning to socialize a little better, and that his peers are beginning to appreciate the many very good things about him and recognizing that there aren’t a lot of bad things at all about him.</p>
<p>^ Was he on the autism spectrum, or simply wasn’t able to socialize well?</p>
<p>Just not good at socializing. But, I see this a lot with kid on the spectrum in the lower grades, and it is sad that the parents as well as the kids often turn on such kids. With my son, they just felt he was a bore and no fun. A nerd, but not a particularly brainy one. A bit less mature, not at all cool. He would have done just fine in a CAtholic all boys school, but he was accepted and wanted to go to a high powered private prep school. And I’m just not a cool and with it enough parent to help him in those areas.</p>
<p>It is so hard to watch your child struggle socially. I get the feeling, though, that the situation that the OPs daughter faced with Joe was not the same as what your child went through. I could be wrong, though. I got the sense that Joe set out to cause discomfort and to deliberately put himself in a situation where he was not welcome. I don’t think it is the same as someone who just doesn’t read social cues and shows up thinking he will be welcome. </p>
<p>Kindness should always prevail, first and foremost, but this kid seemed to be pushing the boundaries to me. Almost a “I dare you to tell me I’m not welcome here” sort of attitude.</p>
<p>I do still feel sorry for him even if this is the case as we can only guess as to why he acts this way and I’m guessing that it comes from a painful place. As is usually the case, however, the solution is in the consequences. Nobody is being done any favors if he is allowed to plow his way into a social situation. Quite the contrary, IMO. I think he learned a valuable lesson on the night of he OPs party.</p>
<p>EPTR, what is it in your reading of this situation that causes you to think that Joe was “out to cause discomfort?” It seems to me more likely that he was unable to detect discomfort.</p>
<p>This thread made me think about an event that happened years and years ago in my (public) high school. A male student Y sat down at the lunch table in the cafeteria where the popular, athletic boys generally sat. Y was a senior at the time. The boys broke out into chants of “Get out Y!” while pounding the table. Y moved from the table. For the posters who think that Joe needed to learn boundaries, do you see this as another case of someone putting “himself in a situation where he was not welcome?”</p>
<p>I am not suggesting that this is analogous to the OP’s D’s case. I am just curious where you draw the line about being inclusive/exclusive, and what factors make excluding someone acceptable/unacceptable?</p>