<p>I would also keep in mind that by not inviting Joe the girls by no means were excluding him, intentionally or otherwise. They had not even gone to school with him for four years.</p>
<p>In addition to the “Get out Y!” situation that I mentioned in #80, here’s another actual scenario, where I’m interested in the reactions of those who would have booted Joe: </p>
<p>High school drama club is having a cast party at the home of one of the cast members, a junior or senior. All are invited, if they have been working on the show. This is not a “wild” cast party, because the middle-aged woman teacher who is the sponsor of the Thespians is also invited, and she is coming. The make-up committee has been working right along with the cast. The committee consists entirely of freshman girls, who are friends with each other, but don’t normally move in the social circles with the host cast member. The makeup committee arrives at the house, and they ring the doorbell. Host opens door, and sounding disappointed says, “Oh. It’s you.” </p>
<p>Is it possible for a group of people who are not totally socially defective to be even less welcome at a cast party than the middle-aged teacher sponsor? (A fine person, but not exactly the life of any party.) Aside from leaving as soon as it wasn’t completely awkward to go, what should the makeup committee have done? Realize that the invitation wasn’t really intended? </p>
<p>I know that in adult life, some invitations aren’t.</p>
<p>This:
and this:
</p>
<p>I can’t be 100 percent sure but I interpret this behavior as someone who knows that he is not invited but shows up anyway…because he can. The fact that he would call the students from the public school and ask them to invite him to their proms and homecomings is bold. it doesn’t read, to me, as someone who is socially oblivious but rather, as someone who is just, well, rude. When he showed up for the friends party he said “I see you didn’t invite me to your party but here I am!” Does that sound like someone who doesn’t get social conventions or cues? I think it is someone who doesn’t care and crosses boundaries with the idea that others are going to be driven by their own good manners and not call him on it.</p>
<p>I do not, in any way, condone excluding people in situations like the ones mentioned (the cafeteria and the cast party). Those are very different situations. In the OPs daughters case we have no evidence that the other kids were cruel or mean. They were at a party taht they were invited to and an uninvited guest showed up.</p>
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<p>The OP is a SPED teacher. I would think she would pick up on a case of Autism.</p>
<p>My guess is that Joe feels a lot of resentment for being sent to the private school and being seperated from the kids that he felt was his peer group. He is, maybe, projecting this anger on those kids during a time that holds a lot of significance for them and would have for him had he stayed at the school. It is understandable taht he feels left out and it sounds to me that the other kids handled it as well as can be expected, the OPs daughter brilliantly. Again, i think he learned a lesson and i think that he left the OPs party early, in part, because he didn’t cause the stir that he thought he would.</p>
<p>I see your point, EPTR. On the other hand, I think it might have been brave of Joe, rather than bold, to ask the students to invite him to dances at the public high school.</p>
<p>In the area where I grew up, this whole scenario would have been accompanied by Joe’s parents telling him at the end of eighth grade: “Of course they will still be your friends! You’ve been together for 8 years. The fact that you are going to a different high school will not break up the friendship.” Wrong-o.</p>
<p>^^^
Right. It’s hard to know without asctually seeing this kid in action. It depends on how you visualize those events. I agree that the parents probably did take that approach with him and, let’s face it, even when kids stay in the same school there is no guarantee that they will remain friends. I feel sorry for him. But I do think he needs to learn some self-restraint so that he stands a chance of finding friends that will want him around.</p>
<p>I remember a situation when my D was in kindergarten and was the only girl in her class who was not invited to a little girls party. She was very upset because the girls mom chose to pass out the invitations at the preschool so my daughter was very aware that she was excluded. Of course it broke my heart and I was really angry with the mom. It is never easy to have that kind of thing happen to us but it is even harder when it happens to our kids.</p>