I asked D1 how she read “no box gifts.” She said it meant money, gift card, or send the gift to home, but do not bring it to the event. They probably do not want to bring boxes of gifts home. We must all admit, even when host says, “No gift,” people still bring gifts.
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This is making more sense as the thread moves on…cultural differences and language can make a big difference. I’d go with oldfort’s D’s interpretation. Give a gift card (or anything else you’d like), dress up for a fancy party but not a ball gown and go have a good time. Life is too short.
Honestly after reading all of your feedback I am not going to worry about it. I can understand “no boxed gifts” for a wedding for example the couple is living out of town. How would they carry all those gifts back home?
In this situation it is just a graduation celebration where the college is only 1/2 hour away. I had never heard of this being done for a graduation. Maybe it is just a new trend. For other graduation celebration invites I will buy a gift with a gift receipt that way the item can be returned or exchanged. Thanks everyone for all your input.
FWIW (and with the caveat that haven’t read the whole thread), here’s my reaction:
- It means "give cash."
- It's tacky.
- "Dress to impress" is consistent.
I have to say…it would be an issue to schlep boxed gifts from a lot of people. I think a gift card to the school bookstore would be useful, or Amazon…where you can buy everything. And regarding dress…I think the “dress to impress” really means, dress nicely…no jeans.
It sounds like this family is also inviting whole families. While I think the party is big…if we invited the families of all of our kids friends, we would have had a couple hundred as well. People add up when you consider that each friend could actually net 4 or more people.
It could mean that they do not want to worry about transporting the boxes back home. Seems simple but you never know. For the holidays, I ask family to please not wrap gifts in boxes, especially since we make rounds with our own gifts. For my SIL’s baby shower we needed three cars to transport those large baby items that they picked from the registry. Nowadays, if we attend one of these events that require a box gift, i,e, showers, we send the gift to the house.
Frankly, if I do not have to go out and shop for a gift that might end up in a box forever, I am happy to give a gift card or a check. It saves me time. I throw it in a cute bag with a card and a ribbon. Done.
Personally, I would not put this on my invitations but I guess it depends on the host’s past experience with their guest list. There are certain things I would love to put on my invitations given my guest list ; ) but that could be another thread.
Dress to impress means dress nicely. Look at the venue and see what is appropriate, cocktail dress or if daytime, a dress you might wear to a day time wedding. No sneakers, jeans, t-shirts, flip flops.
I went to a desi wedding recently where the invite did mention “no boxed gifts” because in that culture it is custom to gift money, not things. Especially with large events, the chances of getting duplicated, things you didn’t want, things you don’t need, are pretty high and the money is instead used for what the couple wants. The wording on the invite was to help out the non-desi folk who wouldn’t already know this. In this case it wasn’t tacky. But I don’t know if this extends to other events or if the graduate is of this culture.
Give a gift that you feel comfortable giving. And go and enjoy the party.
I think any mention of gifts at all on any invitation is in bad taste. You are extending an invitation to friends and family to come together to celebrate an event that is important to you. Guests should have the freedom do whatever they choose to do as far as a gift is concerned or nothing at all. Direction from the host is not warranted or needed in this regard. Extending an invitation and referencing a gift at the same time does not seem very gracious to me.
If I were OP I would simply do whoever I customarily do for a graduation party, but if I was going to give a gift that was not monetary, I would have it sent directly to the graduates home. Which I might mention could have been their intent - meaning they would prefer any boxed gifts not be brought to the venue but perhaps sent or given at an alternate time.
As far as the attire is concerned I have no problem with them adding the “dress to impress”, though perhaps many of us would not choose that particular wording. I am always grateful when an invitation makes some mention of attire so I am not left guessing.
Any mention of gifts on an invitation at all is incorrect. " No boxed gifts"is almost always a way of dictating that the greedy people in question want cash, check or gift cards. It’s self serving and rude. Gifts are supposed to be voluntary.
The term “formal evite” is an oxymoron.
The only reference to attire on an invitation is “black tie” which refers to the overall formality of the event, not just the clothing. “Dress to impress” is meaningless, but no doubt means dress up, don’t wear jeans.
I’m in India now and asked my co-workers about it. It appears to be an Indian/Pakistani expression, so wouldn’t be considered tacky in their culture. Did the OP ever clarify whether this was an Indian or Pakistani family?
So if it is tacky to mention gifts, how do engaged couples suggest that they are registered?
Or do you wait for the guests to call and ask?
I think the only time that you mention gifts, is when you say, “NO GIFTS.” Anything else is completely tacky. If someone calls or emails to ask the parent about what type of gift, I think it is fine for them to be specific about what type of gift they’d like (or cash). Otherwise, not acceptable. They can get off their butts and cart gifts into the car, please. This is purely a request for money, and they have asked a lot of people. Must be expecting a big score. I think I would only have my kid go if he or she REALLY wanted to go, and bring a card with $20 bucks or so. I wouldn’t have them go just because it’s too early to come up with an excuse, but only if they really wanted to go.
Thank you for the cultural information - I hadn’t considered that. I do not think the OP said this. Maybe I was too harsh…
emeraldkity - I have received bridal shower invitations that state where the bride and groom are registered. I appreciate that. Many brides/grooms have entire websites with hotel information for out of town guests, directions, things to do in town if you get there early, photos, and registry information. I would rather buy a young couple something they need/want or just give them money.
http://www.nytimes.com/2011/12/11/fashion/weddings/the-well-mannered-wedding.html?_r=0
A Peggy Post column addressed this question. Just as here, gifts are considered voluntary in Indian culture. There was never an Indian practice of saying “No Boxed Gifts” or anything about gifts at all on an invitation. In any event it’s redundant since people from within the culture already know about this practice or could easily find out on their own. “No boxed gifts” probably got started when someone wanted to be sure that people unfamiliar with the money giving tradition did not show up with toasters and blenders. It’s not advised just because a lot of people seem to be doing it.
@roshke Very nice article with a clear explanation.
Maybe we should start a new thread on wedding do’s/don’ts.
I too felt that this is a new trend.
Exactly, @roshke. Plenty of other groups have the custom of giving money instead of physical gifts at weddings, but I’ve never received an invitation from a Jewish family, for example, specifying “no boxed gifts.” People from within the culture are supposed to know. Other types of gifts from people outside the culture should be received graciously. Anything else is unacceptable.
As to the registry question, @emeraldkty4, the invitees are supposed to be sufficiently close to the couple or one of the families that IF they wish to give a gift from the registry they simply ask where the couple is registered. If the couple has a wedding website or FB page, they can discreetly put the information there. It isn’t that big a deal.
I thought everyone knew by now that taking a wedding present to the reception site, unless it was at home, was inconsiderate.
We’ve only ever given graduation presents to relatives, and S only received graduation presents from a few relatives. Well, I can think of one exception: a friend’s D, of whom I was very fond, was going to my alma mater, and I had been involved in her decision to apply. I gave her a set of 4 Spode mugs.
I’ve rarely given grad gifts for my kids’ peers. As I said before, it would be crazy if they were all giving each other gifts at graduation. I give as a relative and an interested adult, a friend. I will be giving some gift cards to some kids I’ve known for years, not necessarily DS’s friends either, for graduation, but I don’t foresee buying grad gifts for DS to take for parties.
I’m stumped as to what to give some dear ones as college grad gifts as I don’t think boxed gifts of most items are going to be anything more than an albatross around their necks, given the prospects in the next year, and though I will give a check or gift cards, I want to also give something physical with some meaning to it. I got my son a class ring, and will add a framed diploma to that but for cousins, that has already be covered. In the electronic age, alot of options have disappeared.
I confess that we put “no gifts, please” on an invitation to a high school graduation party. We invited a lot of people, including many who didn’t have parties for their kids, and we really didn’t want anybody to think they should bring a gift. A few did so anyway.
I agree in principle with the idea that it is always up to the giver to decide whether to give a gift, or what to give. Nevertheless, people really don’t know what to do, and don’t know what is customary in different cultures. I also react to “no boxed gifts, please” as tacky (as I said upthread), but I would revise my view if it is a common thing in some particular subculture (and the people in question are part of that subculture). You may not like the customs of another group, but they aren’t “rude,” by definition.
Not meaning to be culturally insensitive, but my first thought about “no boxed gifts” was: Do not bring wine in boxes. We drink better stuff. From bottles.
I have used “no gifts, please” on invitations from time to time–for example, when we were in a new area, and we knew the people we were inviting somewhat (as in seeing them and their children daily or weekly, at kids’ events), but did not know them that well. Mainly we just wanted them to come to the party! (No wine was served, boxed or bottled.)