<p>Rockvillemom, next weekend is the National Book Festival on the National Mall. :)</p>
<p>Kelsmom, I hear you. My husband and I earn a good living but it’s probably 1/2 (or less) than my siblings. They don’t say anything but it’s hard to see them renovate the entire house and we haven’t even touched the kitchen. That said, I know they worked hard and like you, saved for the renovation. Just wondering, what does one do with a 9000 sq retirement home? Who cleans it and maintains the upkeep? I can’t imagine using all the rooms. I would want a 900 sq house or better yet, apartment (no more lawn mowing).</p>
<p>I also wonder about a house that large (for retirement or otherwise!). Kids are gone, and H has health issues that prevent him from doing much physical labor. They are ex pats right now, enjoying life in a country with maid, cook, driver … the retirement home will be for visits back to the U.S. for the next 3-4 years. I imagine they will probably have “help.” Maybe H & I can be maid & gardener. ;)</p>
<p>Kelsmom, I can so relate to your post. Sometimes it seems that I should be doing more with my life, even though I have a great husband and family who are doing really well. And I’ve realized after feeling that I don’t quite measure up that others don’t perceive me the same way and that I do live a very blessed life. </p>
<p>My MIL said something to me this weekend and I can not get it out of my head. My kids are out of college and doing very well. They have jobs and are in great relationships with people I like. But I don’t get to see them very often, they live far away and are busy with jobs, SO’s and life. But my MIL made a derogatory comment how now I’m going to be a MIL and how my S’s GF will always put her family above mine. Now, I have tried to be a very good DIL and honestly I see her more than I see my own mother and my sibling as they live far away. In fact I see my MIL more than I see my children. And she went on and on about how she couldn’t go see her other grandchild when I haven’t been with my own children on their birthdays in a long time and she has missed most of my children’s birthday. So why is she telling me this. I think she wasn’t thinking. </p>
<p>But it has kept me up at night. I wake up and am so sad. I am having trouble getting back to sleep. I can’t bring it up with my H. He wants to pretend that everything is fine and his mother is perfect. And never, ever make waves. Not that it makes any difference. I should be so happy. My D is coming to visit. And I am thrilled. </p>
<p>deb, that would bother me a lot. That is so inconsiderate of your MIL. I really think you need to say something, to make yourself feel better. Not to involve your husband or be confrontational, but just to clear the air. It doesn’t have to be harsh. Just a comment about what you just said, that you visit her more than your side of the family, and in fact see her more than your own children! I know often when people get older, they say anything that’s on their mind…rude or not, or have a little dementia going on, so she might forget anyways, but at least you’d feel better.</p>
<p>Either that or decide to pull back and not invest yourself emotionally with her anymore.</p>
<p>Thanks busdriver, that helped a lot. I will try and say something to her and I do think that she has lost her “filter”. We notice it more and more and usually I try and ignore it. I know that there are some relatives who are avoiding my MIL because she seems to becoming mean lately. </p>
<p>Sometimes I forget and still get upset by my MIL’s behavior. </p>
<p>I think this is a hard age. I’m dealing with my kids growing up and becoming more independent while our parents age. The problem is that I don’t want to deal with the parents and wish the kids needed me more.</p>
<p>deb - very true - about the dynamic of needy elderly parents and increasingly independent kids. Some days it feels like the world is upside down.</p>
<p>I also have a m-i-l who cannot be pleased and I have elected to pull back and engage as little as possible. And if other family members are critical of me behind my back, so be it.</p>
<p>At least when the kids needed us, I think we got more out of it than they did. You got a hug or a kiss, or maybe a little sweet word out of them. Or even just the joy of looking at their adorable faces. I still get pleasure just looking at them, even though their sweet faces have a hint of beard. A cranky MIL that you’re doing everything you can for and it’s still not enough? That’s awful, not a good tradeoff at all. In my case, I can’t complain, my MIL lives a long ways away, is sweet and my H does all the work for her. But I can totally see the point, and I’m sure I’ll get my share of misery eventually.</p>
<p>I can relate to so many of these posts. I definitely feel the upside down of kids and parent, (mom moved in unexpectedly), blah job, emotions on the surface, needing a new goal to feel worthwhile. 51 has been challenging. I do have a friend that I see once a week for free mutual therapy and we laugh for hours. I do need to work on the sleep- I agree that it is a secret weapon that helps immensely.
Rvm, I hope you find a few things to try that help you feel yourself again. Meanwhile, you’re in good company here.</p>
<p>I really am looking at the sleep issue. I had the vague perception that I wasn’t sleeping well, but had not been keeping track. So, last night, I was more aware - and I noted that I woke up 4 times. And while I did fall back asleep the first 3 times, clearly this was not a good night of sleep. Have not tried the melatonin pills yet, I want to track it for a while first, and see what the patterns are and what I can adjust. </p>
<p>First adjustment - no electronic devices right before bed! Turning all gadgets and tv off now.</p>
<p>I really hope you try the melatonin, rockvillemom, when you figure out your sleep patterns. Sleep can change your life, and melatonin helps so much to keep you asleep (without drugging you or making you addicted, like many sleep aids). As a sleep deprived airline pilot who flies nights often, sadly watching people my age drop dead for no particular reason…I can tell you, sleep is EVERYTHING. And there is no reason to suffer.</p>
<p>But if you do try it, you have to take it the right way, or you might think it doesn’t work for you. Funny, a doctor told my husband that melatonin only worked for 20% of people. Well gee, maybe he didn’t realize that not everyone needs the same dose, perhaps only 20% of people get it right!</p>
<p>I have felt the same as many of you, especially 3-4 yrs ago when D was a Soph and Junior. I Felt my world was shrinking with loss of parents, friends and family moving away, D leaving home. I am better now. I’m 58. One thing that has helped me tremendously, is to be ENGAGED in meaningful work(not your 9-5 job) with people and interests. My H and I found a great Church, by accident, to be a part of, something that I had left many years ago. We have made many good friends and do many social activities, pot luck dinners, barbecue(love to cook and have reason to now) within the church. I have also joined a book club. I had to make the effort to enlarge my circle , step out of my comfort zone, and in doing so a whole new world opened up to me. I even teach at thevlocal community college now. Who would have thunk? Lol
You right, it is a rough patch, and it does get better. Sometime, I think sadness comes come to us as a way of forcing us rethink and make the changes needed . Best wishes.</p>