<p>I bet we all have our hot buttons. There are situations where I would expect my kid to “respect my wishes.” Some of them might be things others don’t have an issue with, and think I’m silly for my rules. Yet, others forbid things that I don’t. A silly example is a friend who won’t let her kids leave in the morning if their beds aren’t made. I’m thrilled my D is awake, dressed, and at the bus stop at 6:30 a.m. If her room is a mess, it doesn’t really affect me. I choose not to make it an issue. </p>
<p>But of the things I DO expect, I still feel some right to expect them, as long as I’m paying the bills. I don’t mean that in a “I’m holding tuition over your head” kind of way. I mean it in a “we have a relationship where each is expected to give something, and you’re still rather dependent upon me, so I expect some things to go my way” kind of way.</p>
<p>Neighbor’s D had her eyebrow pierced (age 18 didn’t need consent) just before leaving for orientation week at a conservative southern LAC. Her Mom, a grad. of same school simply said “I don’t think you’ll see many of those walking around at ABC Univ. next week.” D left for Orientation with brow pierced and returned how without it. Sometimes they just have to figure it out for themselves.</p>
<p>DH and I talked about it a couple of times this weekend, and we both feel that really, it’s not such a big deal. I still don’t care for facial piercings, but as mentioned before, if this is the worst thing we have to worry about, what’s the big deal? That is so very true. She’s never given us a moment of trouble and if she wants a nose ring, woopty doo. If she decides to go through with it, maybe she’ll outgrow it before she graduates college. We’ve left her a message to call us when she gets a chance. We want her to know that we appreciate her asking our opinion on the matter, but she’s more than capable of deciding whether or not this is right for her.</p>
<p>garland, thanks for articulating what I was trying to convey.</p>
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<p>Having an opinion about something is not the same as expecting them to ‘respect my wishes.’ (As garland pointed out.) I mentioned the forked tongue as an example of more extreme fashions that some young people actually get into. The nose piercing is really tame by comparison. Nose and eyebrow piercings are not really that rare anymore.</p>
<p>Personally I don’t find nose and eyebrow piercings very attractive, but I consider them in the same category as long hair on guys in the 60s - frowned upon by those who tend to be conservative but considered hip by others. Whether I find them attractive is irrelevant, imo.</p>
<p>My son went thru a Goth phase 9th-11th grade. I explained to him that if he chose to dress in a way that drew attention to himself at the conservative Christian homeschool co-op he attended, there would likely be repercussions, and he needed to think about whether it was worth it to endure those repercussions in order to express himself. Then I stepped back and watched as the co-op director told him he couldn’t wear heavy-metal-style eyeliner to class.</p>
<p>My son obliged, but went all out elsewhere. The next year he decided, for a variety of reasons, to quit going to co-op and start dual-credit classes at the community college instead. It was a positive move. Then he got a job selling computers. I did not have to tell him put his long hair back in a ponytail. I did not have to tell him to not wear eyeliner. It was all very obvious. He quit the eyeliner altogether at that point, totally on his own, only because he says he got tired of the hassle of having to take it off at night. Maybe he had his fill of it. Maybe having the freedom to dress as he pleased was a positive thing and now he no longer needs to prove anything. Maybe he just got interested in a different look, just as he now wears a different style of jeans than he wore a couple of years ago. It really, really does not matter to me in the least since it was only a silly, harmless fashion! Who knows, if he goes to a ‘hip’ campus like Austin, it might come back! (There’s all kinds of weirdness in Austin.)</p>
<p>Overall, it just wasn’t worth making a big deal about. A friend once told me ‘I NEVER make a big deal out of anything that can be washed off or cut off.’</p>
<p>Body piercings, too, can be allowed to closed up. To a degree. Extreme body mutilations are in a different category because they CAN have serious repercussions in terms of health and bodily function. So I most definitely WOULD make my opinion known on such extremes. Same with tattoos, since they are permanent (unless very painfully removed).</p>
<p>But once the kid’s of age, all I would do is voice my opinion. I would not EXPECT the kid to adhere to it, any more than I would EXPECT my kid to break up with a girlfriend that I didn’t like or choose a different major. They have to make their own choices.</p>
<p>Splash: Sounds like you have a good perspective on it. With so many other, more serious things to be concerned about, it does seem rather trivial by comparison…</p>
<p>I guess what I was trying to underline is that when someone posts we sometimes overlook the point of their post and pick apart their words. I knew as soon as I saw the phrase, “respect my wishes” that people would think that meant something overbearing. As Splashmom explained in a couple of follow up posts she did know that it was her daughters decision and that it wasn’t a big deal, so that phrase was maybe a poor word choice. </p>
<p>Just like the phrase, “my father has an obligation to make me happy” on the thread about the girl that wanted to transfer to Columbia or WashU from a reasonably priced California College. I knew that would trigger a quick response! I’d like a kinder, nicer board sometimes. Maybe I’ll make that a New Year’s resolution for myself to be a nicer poster. It’s so much trickier to quickly write what you mean then it is to say it aloud.</p>
<p>Kathiep–I totally agree with you for the need for civility here on these boards. When I first responded, I tried to clarify that there was a “possible” underlying feeling coming from the OP, which seemed at odds with Splashmom’s overall approach in that post and elsewhere. I strived to say that I didn’t know if that “overbearing” slant was interpreted by me accurately, just that it had seemed present, and possibly worth pondering.</p>
<p>My subsequent posts were more in answer to posts that seemed to say that raising the question of that hint was totally out of place. Unfortunately, I think that SM’s sincere quandary did get buried in my “word parsing” which was meant to explain myself, not keep harping at her. SM has shown extremely admirable grace in first encountering the situation and then continuing to sincerely seek a thoughtful response for herself.</p>
<p>Alas, you are very right about boards! I wouldn’t want to feel at all at odds with either her or you! :)</p>
<p>^^^You’re right, LHOD. I love it too because it reminds me of something that my dad might have said. He and my mom were horrified when I wanted to get my ears pierced in the mid-60s. He kept saying that he could do it for me with his leather punch and put one in my nose too while he was at it. My parents considered pierced ears rather “exotic,” but 20 years later my mom got her ears pierced too.</p>
<p>I didn’t read this whole thread, so excuse me if I repeat or don’t follow the flow well. My oldest son came home in high school with an ear pierced. He was 16 and knew we didn’t want anything pierced. We told him that to be fair he could keep the earring, but as long as he had the earring–we kept the car keys. The earring was out within 30 minutes ;). </p>
<p>The point of this comment is that he is now 25 and has had repeated minor surgeries on that earlobe due to a cyst that gets large and infected. The dermatologist says that it is due to the piercing and that some people’s bodies just react that way. I would sure hate to have that happen on my nose.</p>
<p>My D., now 21, doesn’t even have her ears pierced (her choice), but she mentioned that several of her friends have their tongues pierced and she was considering that. I emailed her terrible pictures of infected tongues, deformed tongues, and chipped teeth due to tongue piercings – I hope that is enough to dissuade her.</p>
<p>So, you imposed your beliefs upon another by threatening to take away his possessions? According to your logic, it would be more prudent, considering the child’s best interest, to allow him to have the piercing instead of the car keys. Unless of course, piercings somehow result in more deaths annually than automobile accidents.</p>
<p>Well, I personally hate nose piercings, tongue piercings, navel piercings, eyebrow piercings…basically if it’s anything besides one or two per ear I don’t like it! And I hate tattoos!</p>
<p>As a college student that means only one thing to these girls out there–I won’t find them attractive.</p>
<p>Looking at it from the perspective of a parent, I’d punish the girl severely if she ever got one. Having an awful looking and tacky piercing like that would bring down my name (her last name), which has long been associated with not looking tacky like that. I come from a long line of very conservative people and nobody in my family would ever call those piercings or tattoos attractive.</p>
<p>qwilde, the car was not his possession–it was ours. You are right about auto accidents, but I haven’t figured out a way yet to avoid riding or driving in cars.</p>
<p>Personally, I don’t like piercings. I think they look revolting, but that is my personal opinion and I respect those who think otherwise and opt for a piercing. My point is that, as long as they are not harming others and they are not harming themselves (which they are not and there is a small risk invovled with all matters), then they should be allowed to express themselves freely without their parent’s condescension.</p>
<p>A car is not required. It is definitely beneficial in our society, but not required.</p>
<p>I didn’t ask my parents, I just informed them. </p>
<p>I already knew what my mother’s opinion would be (she hates facial piercings) so there was no reason to bother to ask and give her the opportunity to hold the disrespectful, disobedient child guilt trip over me. I didn’t get it to be ‘different’, or to be the same as all the other girls that have them, or both at once…I just thought it would look nice on me. If I ever get tired of it, I’ll just take it out. I am going to be working in a creative field, and probably with mostly people on the younger side, so I don’t think it would be a huge issue job-wise (and I am not sure I’d want to work in an environment where it would be).</p>
<p>qwilde, don’t know where you live, but here a car is a necessity–no public transportation. So unless you have time to walk hours along highways or have room to keep a horse and try to ride it among the traffic–you are stuck with a car.:)</p>
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