How do you gift your kid’s spouses? I have a brand new SIL. Not sure how to proceed. If I treat him like I treat my kid, he will be overwhelmed. I give many gifts to my kid. I am trying to tone it down. I am wondering how others do gifting kids’ SO. TIA
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If one of mine is DATING someone that we have met (at least a couple/few) times I will get a gift. If they are going to be here when we are unwrapping ours (this will be the case with one this year) I will probably get 2 items - one being a food gift card.
Once married I will do a couple/few individual gifts to the new spouse. But I also do a couple of couple gifts. Like my D1 and her H love to cook - cookbooks go addressed to both of them.
We do a fairly extensive gift giving still even though they are adults. I know for others this would be uncomfortable to have it be a 1:1 situation. But gifting couple gifts feels right to me.
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I get both of my SILs a gift suggested by their wives. I get my daughters more gifts. I don’t treat my SILs the same as my own kids. I assume they have their own traditions with their own families.
My sister likes to tell people that she treats her kids’ spouses as her own kids. I treat them like my kids’ spouses. We are all good with it.
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I am done with my xmas shopping. It was a bit of a “one for you and two for me.” My place looks like a store now.
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Once my son married, I started treating his wife as one of my kids (often joke she is my favorite since she has never argued with me, rolled her eyes at me, or trashed my house. 
) She got the same college graduation gift (got doctorate after they were married) and the same level of birthday and Christmas gifts. I know both she and my son are very grateful for the she’s-my-kid-too attitude. DS has been similarly embraced by her parents. My parents and grandparents, I realize, set the example we follow with respect to in-law children and gifts. So, imo, the practical and thoughtful thing to do is to either scale back on gifts for your son so that you can give an equal amount which is comfortable for each of them, OR give them couples gifts together.
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When we were young, we lived near the original Crate & Barrel store in Old Town Chicago. Whenever we needed to buy a wedding gift, we’d end up with their gift - and better stuff for ourselves!
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Different situation, but my daughter’s boyfriend of 7 years has been living with us since June. His parents live 2 hours away and we have yet to discuss Christmas plans. Another son who doesn’t live here is moving in with his girlfriend of over 4 years in January. In the past I bought each SO a gift and a joint couple present. This year cooking class gc for my daughter/bf, wayfair gc for my son/gc. I also got the SO’s matching Christmas pajamas (my kids have been getting them for 27 years). I don’t like doing stockings so I don’t think my daughter’s bf us getting one.
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I don’t know DIL as well but do give her a stocking when she’s in HI with us, as well as similar gifts as D—one year both of pearl Costco earrings. It’s tough figuring all of this stuff out.
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When mine were dating, I would give less than my own kids. I would ask my kids for suggestions. FDIL1 was pretty easy. In their family, they make a Google document of their wish list. S gave me some items from the list, and I’d pick.
Once they got engaged, they got/get the same amount as my kids. This year, the primary Xmas gift is money. And then just odds and ends little things, stockings and such. I don’t keep exact track money/number of presents. They know I do my best
And their bday is always a multiple of their age in “cash” (Zelle). I made sure FDIL1 knew that this was my plan, and I’m sorry since she’s a year younger she will always get slightly less, but it doesn’t mean I think any less of her! (She laughed)
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Do you get not necessarily serious boyfriends/girlfriends gifts? Wondering about whether we should give my daughter’s girlfriend something. I don’t think she will be here on Christmas Day but not sure.
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I did stocking stuffer gifts for not serious boyfriends if they were with us around the holidays, nicer gifts for serious bfs, and if there is ever a spouse, they will be treated equally. That’s what our parents did for us!
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It seems that once they are engaged, they get treated like family, and get a similar number/dollar amount of gifts. We’ve kind of evolved to this. When we’ve given cash, we’ve given it to our kids, not the SO, but at this point I’m not sure how we will handle cash.
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I don’t buy a lot of gifts for either of my kids because the main gift is money. For D and Sil the money is for both. I do stockings for all (nice stuff) and buy each a book.
I would err on the side of treating your SIL like one of your kids. My parents did but H’s parents (really his mother) did not. Most years it was fine, but one year when he got an expensive, newly released game system as well as some other nice things, I got 2 inexpensive gifts. H was actually embarrassed about that, although he would never say “boo” to his mother about that. Another year when H, his siblings and their spouses all received matching sweatshirts I did not get one. That was also embarrassing as well as hurtful.
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I would get a not serious SO a gift or 2, but certainly not equal to others. I met one of my son’s GFs when she came to spend 2 weeks with us at Christmas (she lived a 13 hour plane ride away). She’d never experienced Christmas, and we made it pretty wonderful for her, including a stocking and multiple presents. I guess that set the expectation for others. Our kids would say we are very inclusive/the appreciate we try to include SOs.
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We gift our DIL equally to our son, but my question is how do you handle the increased family size. If one or more kids are married with kids and others are not, do you give equally to each individual or do you just give equal amount to each family unit? This has bothered me way more than it should this year, but I’ve always aimed to be fair with my kids. Giving equally at my current spending is going to get unaffordable if the family keeps expanding.
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When my son had a fiance, and my step-d did not, we got equal (ish) presents for the 3 of them. But we then gave cash to son and step-d, an equal amount to each. Son could choose to share with wife or not. If one has kids and the other doesn’t we will not give extra to the one without kids.
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Equal to kids irrespective of family size.
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We give the same cash amount to D/SIL (who have 2 kids) and to S (who is single).
Obviously I spend more on D’s family because I get the grandkids gifts.
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My daughters give me ideas. I have a SIL and a long-time BF. Both are super grateful for whatever I gift them. I include receipts on any clothing so there is no pressure to keep something they don’t like.
I would get something just in case. Ask your D for ideas.
I don’t keep a running dollar total. I try to be as equal as possible but I think that focusing too much on being equal takes away from the joy of gift-giving. My daughters have never expressed to me that they feel one got more than the other. They give me lists, which makes it easier. If one’s list has pricier than the other’s I make adjustments - or, since it’s usually my married daughter who has expensive items on her list, I tell my son-in-law that some of those items are on him 
When families get too large and everyone has kids of their own, some resort to picking a name or only buying for the children.
I will say that my son-in-law gets more gifts than my younger daughter’s BF. I do stockings for both.
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Serious SO that I spent some part of the holiday with, got something to open - often a similar something the siblings also received. Once engaged, they got a stocking too. Once married, they were on a par with the siblings.
Grandkids are a whole other category and get several gifts as their parents, aunts, and uncles get fewer things to open but always some $$. Sometimes I gift the cash individually, sometimes to the couple. In recent years, after all are married, I also ask each to identify a charity that I will gift to in their honor. I am always touched by the variety and rationale for their choices.
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