Holiday Gifting & Interfaith Families

Parent Cafe
1

Okay, I’m looking for other people’s opinions on this and whether I’m being too sensitive. Maybe someone here has been in this position.

My S/O and I grew up in two entirely different faiths (different religions), both of which have a winter holiday involving gift giving. Neither of us is particularly religious, but I guess you could say we still “practice.”

For years my family (& even extended family) have been incredibly sensitive to try to be inclusive and when they send us presents, are careful to send cards/gifts/wrapping paper/color schemes/holiday sayings for each of us representing each of our respective religions.

My S/O’s parents and siblings and extended family are completely opposite. They send us gifts (for which I am grateful - don’t get me wrong), including cards and presents, that are wrapped and include cards (addressed to each of us individually) representing their (which is also my S/O’s) religious holiday/recognizing that holiday. They know (and have known from the beginning of our relationship, years ago) that I don’t practice their religion, nor celebrate this holiday. These aren’t “joint” gifts, BTW…so it’s not like they just added my name onto a card or something. Nor are they generic “Happy Holidays” stuff (which would be fine with me!).

Would that bother you?

I guess I just don’t get it.

But maybe I’m too sensitive to these things? Are they, in a convoluted way, trying to “include” me in their faith? There’s actually been a subtle comments from them about whether I would consider converting to their religion over the years…is this stemming from that?

I’d like to believe they’re just naive and ignorant, but they are well-educated professionals who live in major US cities that have lots of religious diversity…in no way am I the first person they have given holiday gifts to who doesn’t practice their faith.

My S/O sees nothing wrong with the situation (yes, I know, that’s a whole other subject entirely).

Anyone else dealt with this? And did it bother you?

2

Are you complaining that they’re giving you gifts? I’m confused.

I’m an atheist, my in-laws know I’m not religious, and yet we still get stuff for Easter from them- a holiday I do not celebrate and never have. I just smile and say “thank you.”

3

Yes. I think you’re being too sensitive. They include you. It appears they care for you. Stop looking for trouble. My Inlaws send a gift only to my husband. I’ve stopped caring years ago. That’s just the way they do things. Count your blessings :slight_smile:

4

Yes, you are being too sensitive. The holidays for many have just become a gift giving, winter solstice decorating, family gathering and goodwill season. If someone gave me a gift wrapped in paper of their faith as they are passing them out to everyone else, it would make me feel very included and accepted. They are not trying to make a point.

We celebrate XMAS, and my Sons Muslim and Jewish girlfriends will be getting gifts wrapped in the paper I have downstairs like everyone else. Sure, I will probably choose the snowflake one if I have it over the manger scene, but I’m not running out to buy a different one.

They are not naive or ignorant and I agree you need to quit looking for trouble where there is none.

5

I agree that you just say thank you. D has long bought gifts for her BFF, at first the gifts were for Hanukkah and wrapped in blue paper, after awhile it was just whatever. Her friend’s family is Jewish but have Christian relatives they exchange gifts with.

6

I think you’re reading way too much into wrapping paper and holiday cards. If anything, they are just including you in the family. I would be more perturbed if everyone in the extended family had presents wrapped in the same paper and mine were wrapped differently.

7

If the gifts included pamphlets to try and convert your or their talk continually included their religious overtones then yes I would say be offended. Otherwise…it’s just wrapping paper. Maybe they just got tired of getting different wrapping paper and playing the whole PC game, you know?

8

It wouldn’t bother me.

9

“We celebrate XMAS, and my Sons Muslim and Jewish girlfriends will be getting gifts wrapped in the paper I have downstairs like everyone else. Sure, I will probably choose the snowflake one if I have it over the manger scene, but I’m not running out to buy a different one.”

Well, I think that’s the point. You’d choose snowflake paper, not a manger scene.

We have this issue in our family and we are all pretty good at matching the paper to the person - though frankly I avoid the whole issue by buying wrapping paper that works for everything. My current ,Christmas paper has stripes of all colors, so you could read it as red / green but you could also read it as generic. And of course gold and silver go for everything.

I understand how you feel but I’m also here to tell you that you have the choice to let things like this eat away at your soul or to say it’s just wrapping paper and move on. Once I was able to let go of this stuff, I became noticeably happier.

10

I think you also have to consider the people. There are people for whom MC truly is “just the phrase you use at this time of year” (akin to saying God bless you when someone sneezes) and people for whom MC is “because you’d darn well accept JC as your lord and savior.” It took my H a while to get that my mixed-and-no-faith family said MC to one another for the first reason and not the second.

11

Wouldn’t bother me. I don’t look gift wrapping paper in the mouth.

12

yes, sending the manger paper would be a bit much. But how about the Santa paper, or the dreidel paper? I gather from the OP’s post, that he/she expects the Santa family to buy one set of dreidel paper, or the dreidel family to buy a set of Santa paper (or whatever), that the paper is overly holiday even if not overtly religious. Though I might be wrong. So I think the consensus is that a Santa-themed person can handle dreidel paper, and vice versa (or pick your other similar holidays). Which I would agree with.

13

What do they write in the cards? I admit I’d find it odd if they wrote Merry Christmas and you are Jewish, for example, (or vice versa). Even if it’s a Christmas theme card, if they wrote Happy Hanukkah in it, I’d be okay with it. I personally would choose to send a more generic card, but I would not raise a stink about it.

14

I try to be careful with wrapping paper and cards. This year, my Xmas wrapping was silver with holly motif. I try to find prettiest cards I can, but always have a box of UNICEF cards that are non-religious.

Even so, I did wrap all my office gifts in the holly paper, though one person is Jewish. I meant no harm, just tired.

15

We are definitely outliers but what we are trying to do this year (and in recent years also) is to get rid of the whole idea of holiday gifting altogether. (Won’t be able to avoid doing this in the past when we served the roles of the “younger relatives.” Now that we serve the roles of the “elders” and we think we are empowered to make this change.)

Considering the fact that, in our culture, many parents, parents-in-law and sometimes even extended family members give so much stress to their son/daughter/SIL/DIL/relatives during holiday (The perceived obligation of “you must come home for holiday” is one of the sources of stress), we think that by not doing holiday gifting/visiting, we will give break and peace to everybody. If we want exchange presents or visit each other, we could do it not necessarily during holiday seasons.

We do send care packages to our loved one whenever there is such a need (but not necessarily before holidays.)

A potential problem is that the young may not have a long break except for holiday. But if we are retired, it can be arranged that we fly to them during non-holiday season if we have retired and have plenty of time.

God bless me that this will not be perceived as “being cold to whomever we love.”)

Recently read an article like this: (the beginning part):

"Several times a year, I suffer from various kinds of symptoms such as headaches, backache, gastritis and temporary depression: the typical symptoms of holiday syndrome.

I am the eldest daughter-in-law who has to prepare the ancestral ritual four times a year. As my husband has many siblings, almost 20 people get together in my house to attend the ritual. For the two major holidays they come over to my place one day before. That means I, as the hostess, have to prepare accommodation and three meals for the guests.

A few weeks before the holiday, I have to be ready to welcome them. I wash the bedding and clean every corner of my house on weekends. One week before D-day, I have to start to get busy…

On the eves of holiday, when my two younger sisters-in-law come with their family members, our holiday work starts in earnest. The three of us go to the street market after lunch. The food for the ritual must be immaculately fresh. Following my grandmother`s imprecations, we pick out the best of everything: fruit, meat, fish and vegetables."

16

I have always matched the paper and cards to the person’s celebration. Wrapping paper is cheap enough, especially when all the schools sell wrapping paper for fund raising! While we are Jewish, I keep a few rolls of Christmas paper on hand; usually snowflakes or something similar that can go either way if needed. Both my children are married/engaged to someone that is not Jewish so the kids luck out; they receive both a Hannukah present and a Christmas present! In the past I have made the Hanukkah present personal for each and then the Christmas present is a couples present; usually something for the house or a gift certificate for a restaurant or event they want to attend.

17

I think people are much more observant than me. I barely even notice the paper and most of the cards I get are religious themed.

All 4 of my grandparents were different faiths- 1 Jewish, 2 Christian-ish (now 1 Buddhist), and 1 not religious so I’m used to having a mismatch of different holiday traditions. Maybe that’s why I’m numb to it.

In general though, I was taught to appreciate the thought rather than the actual whatever itself. Appreciate the gift, ignore the wrapping. Appreciate the thought of the card, rather than what is depicted on it. They remembered me in their celebration- why take offense at that?

18

"yes, sending the manger paper would be a bit much. But how about the Santa paper, or the dreidel paper? I gather from the OP’s post, that he/she expects the Santa family to buy one set of dreidel paper, or the dreidel family to buy a set of Santa paper (or whatever), that the paper is overly holiday even if not overtly religious. "

As a “dreidel family” who celebrates Christmas at the home of my mother and sister, of COURSE I’d have another paper. I think it would be extremely odd for me to hand my sister and her family gifts wrapped in dreidel paper or when for crying out loud, they aren’t Jewish and don’t celebrate Hanukah.

But honestly people are making this more difficult than it needs to be. Every single store sells plenty of festive all-purpose wrapping paper. It’s just common sense to have some of that on hand. Good lord, again it’s the typical late December OMG-it’s-just-come-to-my-attention-that-not-everyone-is-Christian silliness that normal people figured out how to handle years ago.

Re the OP: it is thoughtless; the question is, is it malicious or just thoughtless. If It’s just thoughtless, let it go,

19

Deleted, posted twice

20

As a giver I would probably try to match gift to someone’s celebration.
As a receiver I’d be happy to be included in someone else’s celebration. And I certainly wouldn’t take offence.