“Shifting social norms abound with weddings. I am trying to keep an open mind.”
Exactly! 40 years ago, wedding and baby registries were considered tacky as well. It was supposed to be word of mouth. Ask the mother of the bride kind of stuff. Preprinted reply cards were tacky back then as well. It was engraved invitations with folks knowing they should RSVP by writing a note of their own indicating whether or not they would attend. No pre-addressed stamped envelope - definitely no evite or wedding website. Practices change.
I just bought a wedding gift from a gift registry. The couple had registered for VERY practical things from inexpensive places like Target and Bed, Bath & Beyond. My opinion of them increased a lot.
My only concern would be providing a credit card to yet another website. I think I’d rather just hand the couple a check (or mail it) than enter my credit card on a website I’ll never use again.
I’d rather give money towards a trip than give a gift the couple doesn’t want.
When we got married, we didn’t have enough money to go on a honeymoon. My inlaws gave us 12 each of Orrefors wine and water goblets. Do the math…36 years ago, that would have given us a nice honeymoon.
We didn’t want the crystal, and most of it still has the little stickers on it. It’s all in a box in my basement.
I wish Honeymoon gifts had been in vogue when we got married.
When my friends got married 20 years ago, they didn’t need another tea towel or serving platter. They were in their 40’s and he’d been married before, lived in his grandmother’s house (with 100 years of tea towels and serving platters and dishes) and she’d inherited a lot of stuff from her mother, including silver services (2 of them) that she really didn’t need.
They registered for a new china (Italian pottery) setting, but it was VERY expensive and they didn’t expect to get much. They also registered at a nursery as they wanted to plant a row a trees as a brace from highway noise. And they set up a place to donate to a couple of their favorite charities. They really didn’t care which way guests chose to go, or if no gift was given at all.
I don’t think I’d like to broadcast how much my honeymoon was costing, that the ziplining was $85 or the dinner on the third night was $122. And I don’t think I’d pick one item to buy. I’d rather just contribute to pot, and at that point probably would just give a check to the couple directly.
40+ years ago my cousin was married and ask that everyone just contribute to their fund to buy a mobile home. Relatives were appalled.
I’m with greenbutton - to me these things just seem like another money grab. That said, MIL insisted I register for china and glassware, as some of their hoity friends who had never even met us would want something easy to do for gifts. Apparently quite a few of them, as we got 11 settings of the expensive china, and numerous accessory pieces, which we DO use reasonably often. The crystal was very fragile and has not fared so well. We have lost a lot of that over the years :(.
Niece is getting married next year, and has chosen such an expensive venue that they can only invite 100 people, most of whom will have significant travel expenses, which apparently means not inviting some of those one might reasonably expect would otherwise be asked, like D’s boyfriend of (by then) 5.5 years. Fortunately D doesn’t give a carp even whether she herself goes.
Back when I got married (37 years ago) there wasn’t anything like this; so when I first encountered one of these I thought it was tacky. Now, it seems like every couple has one. This year, I have been to 3 weddings (all folks in their late 20s); all of the couples had a honeymoon funding type thing. I just followed the links and gave money. I am going to a wedding at the end of the month where the couple requested that in lieu of gifts invitees donate to a charity where one of them is on the board. Again, there was a link and I made a donation. I actually like shopping for wedding gifts, but I think that is a practice going the way of dinosaurs.
I couldn’t bring myself to register 32 years ago. My daughter went further; they went to the courthouse to get married and did not have a reception. I’m always happy to shop for a wedding present. I’ll give money if I think the couple needs it. I don’t know, does anyone need to go to Tahiti or wherever on a honeymoon?
Yeah, I kind of agree with this. I never had any gift registries either. It all seems like asking for money. The crowdfunding honeymoons certainly make it easier for me as a guest, but I think it misses the point of giving the gift. I’m happy to do something easy at any point, but shoot, how about if we just throw money into a pot at the wedding? I don’t mind when the couples friends/family advises us to give them money (or we don’t know what to get so we give them a check), but setting up a fund for you to donate to seems a little crass.
I have wedding gifts around the house that we still use, and I think about the person who gave it to us. We didn’t have a whole lot of nice things when we got married, and the things friends gave us were highly appreciated. I didn’t hold it against people who didn’t give a gift, nor did I even remember. But if we couldn’t have afforded a honeymoon, we wouldn’t have gone, and it would never have occurred to me to ask for donations for an expensive vacation.
For older people who already have what they need, I would specify “no gifts”. Some people we know got married in their fifties, and the wife laughed when I asked her where she was registered, saying, “I only want you to show up and celebrate with us if you can, that’s all!” We gave them something anyways. I’m not going to think badly of anyone who goes the money request route, but I would not, and I hope my kids don’t do it. I tend to think that much of the wedding is about the friends and family, not just the two getting married.
This is an interesting discussion. H mentioned the other night that this very plain stainless steel platter–
now 35 years old–is the best wedding gift we received. We also still love the wooden handled steak knives
use nearly daily, and a cooking knife that was OK but the sharpener is used every few days.
I have wondered what the next group of married for 35 years are going to say to each other.
I have always knocked myself out buying thoughtful unique wedding gifts and 99% of the time have later
been told my the MIL or FIL that it was the couples favorite gift.
The last one I goofed. It just was not a wonderful gift. I was feeling cheap and I really do not like the
bride (my GF’s D). This is what made me realize that I am done and so going forward–whatever they want on their
registry is OK with me and I will no longer stress.
My own D and FSIL are struggling with their registry. D could care less. FSIL wants really good
kitchen stuff. They asked me to go on their sites and show them what I would register for –
I think this on Zola?
Anyway, I had fun for about 15 minutes and then it was just boring and work!
This shocked me. I thought finding cool things for your life would be fun. It really is not as my D told me.
I chose really high quality cookware and such. Then I added vases and serving dishes and a couple of
lamps and a small side table. I have not even looked to see what they chose but the did appreciate m
fuel for the endevor.
I just don’t like (despise) the idea of under 25s getting married period. How about they don’t get married but ask for cash for a nice holiday anyway? Would that work LOL?
Those sites (Honeyfund, etc.) do take both a percentage cut and a charge per person who gives money, so if money is the only gift the couple wants they could save a lot by collecting cash gifts themselves instead of relying on the site.
Would I personally do a “HoneyFund” registry? No. Would I recommend that my D or S do one? No, although I would respect whatever they and their future spouse decided. Would I contribute to one for a wedding I was attending? Yes, it does make some sense. I don’t have to waste time hunting for a gift and I know what I give will be appreciated. Having said that a traditional registry serves the same purpose and I might prefer to choose from that list.
I tend to lean toward traditional weddings and the honeymoon is something that is traditionally paid for by the groom. I know things have very much changed in this regard so I am not going to judge those who prefer more contemporary choices.
You never know what situation an about-to-be-married couple is in.
My daughter is getting married in September, and she and her soon-to-be-husband just bought a house. A brand-new, just-built house. With 23 naked windows.
They would have loved to crowdfund 23 window treatments instead of having a conventional wedding registry, but they couldn’t figure out a tactful way to do it.
Yes agree we never know the situation of each couple and what makes sense can vary. But don’t you take things like “23 naked windows” into account when you make the decision to purchase a house?
And I do think one could reasonably work window treatments into a registry – they are after all a household necessity. Many stores sell window treatments and if they were going custom then I think fabric from the usual suspects could reasonably be included.
@HarvestMoon1, yes, of course, they did take the 23 naked windows into account when choosing the house. (They also took into account the fact that they couldn’t be naked in the house themselves until something was done about the windows.)
Their feeling was more like “Gee. We have some significant expenses right now – like all those window treatments. And we know people will be sending us wedding presents. What a shame that there isn’t a way for them to give us what we would appreciate the most – which is some money to offset the cost of buying window blinds and the other things that we need because we’re new homeowners. We would really rather have that money than any of the things we’ve put in our registry.”
My daughter did this for a few reasons- Most of her guest were from the US where the wedding was held, but she lives in the UK. There was no way for her to ship gifts back to the UK without incurring large charges for shipping. She did register for some dishes and small kitchen items in the UK for those that wanted to buy an item and not give money. As her flat is tiny, she didn’t need more “stuff”; they are minimalist!
Why the website was easy, many family members gave checks which she deposited into her US checking account and transferred the money later. Her wedding was 10 months ago, and they just left for their honeymoon yesterday!
If it is a close family friend or relative, I still prefer to buy a gift that I know they will love and remember me by; otherwise, I will go with whatever that register for. I do not think of a registry as asking for gifts, just a suggestion of what they would like if one wanted to purchase.
It’s asking for money. I think it’s in poor taste asking for someone to fund your honeymoon. Let your guests give whatever gift they want and if its cash, you can put it toward your honeymoon expenses, but setting up a fund for others to pay for your honeymoon seems uncouth and gauche. Gifts shouldn’t be dictated.
I actually don’t have a problem with giving a gift of money if I get the sense that is what is preferred. But usually that sense comes from a side conversation with a family member not a straightforward request for cash or the funding of a trip. Or if I see a sparsely populated gift registry with just a few items I conclude they would prefer a check.
But I know many people who just make it a hard and fast rule that cash is not an appropriate gift so for their own children they would actually be insulted if cash was given. You have to navigate these things carefully these days.
I would be most concerned about my S and a potential HoneyFund. It might appear as if he were attempting to offload his funding of a honeymoon. Many of our friends/family are not real contemporary when it comes to these sorts of things.