I was surprised recently to read that Miss Manners objects to wedding registries, and not just the honeymoon funding ones but any sort of gift registry. Apparently, they all scream gimme pig to her.
It’s still a thing where we live to see displays of fine china place settings (along with crystal stemware and sterling flatware in some cases) in certain stores with the bride’s name on a place card so that guests can see in person the gifts they’re going to give. It’s not as common as when dh and I got married, back in the Dark Ages, but it’s still done.
My D already has sterling flatware, thanks to her grandmother, but only Fiestaware dishes. I’ve encouraged her to select a china pattern and register just for the convenience of out of town relatives.
It seems to me that asking for money or trying to direct the gift-giving in any way is poor manners as stated above. You are inviting others to share your joy and witness your love. They don’t even need to give a gift. By setting up a go fund me page, you are not only requesting a gift but a particular one, cash to pay for a honeymoon that is your responsibility. I’m sure that there are many on the go fund me list who could also use a nice vacation. Not in good taste. You may think you are helping your guests, but its just plain selfish at best.
I’m not a huge fan of them, but over time my dislike has lessened.
My married kid had a traditional registery, but lots of people preferred to choose their own gift. That’s fine.
But nowadays, it seems people getting married seem to fall mostly into 2 groups: those who are getting married at 30+ who have all the basic stuff themselves and really do not want–or expect to use–china, silverware and crystal. You can, of course, just give money, but I think its kind of nicer to be able to remember that X&Y paid for the lovely dinner at special restaurant we went to on our honeymoon. Group 2 is made up of people still in transition. They may be living in a really, really tiny apartment and will be moving to a perhaps unknown place when law school, a judicial clerkship, med school, residency, military tour of duty is up, etc. Getting “stuff” is a hardship.
I come from the Miss Manners culture. However, I’m old enough and have lived enough that my kids and my friends’ kids have married outside the Miss Manners culture, and increasing outside western culture altogether. So I don’t believe in wedding rules any longer. But it took a while to get here. “Here” is a relief overall because there was no going back to Miss Manners lol.
However, we did give our son money to pay for their honeymoon to a spot of DIL’s choosing. (both still in grad school at that time)
adding:as an aside I’m hopeful eventually I’ll get beyond noticing table manners different from those which I was taught. I’m working on it! It’s all pretty arbitrary.
@Nrdsb4, that’s actually a very interesting idea. But they’re not hurting for money that badly (in fact, not really hurting at all). I was just using them as an example.
I think that most people like to give gifts that the recipient will really like. In some instances, what the recipient would like the most is a contribution toward the cost of something that is too expensive to be given as a single gift. It might be a honeymoon. It might be window treatments. Or a new car. Or furniture. Or paying off someone’s student loans. Whatever.
But our culture puts up barriers to that sort of gift-giving, at least in the context of weddings. And I think that’s a shame.
Take a step back. The gift culture is really overblown in our society. Gifts should be modest for a wedding esp if the bride and groom to be have everything. Are the expectations too/so high that guests are expected to give a gift large enough to put a dent in the honeymoon expense? That’s a pretty big ticket item.
What kills me is when a bride opens a gift that was bought from her registry and then exclaims “Oh, good! My China!!” As though I’m the UPS guy and not someone who just spent my hard earned money on a gift.
When we got married 31 years ago, we thought registries were tacky so didn’t have one. We felt we didn’t need anything. We were going on a very budget-conscious but long honeymoon cycling and camping all over Europe before starting grad school and didn;t have anywhere to put anything besides our parents’ homes for 3 months. I still think there is something bizarre about registries or anything that outwardly asks for gifts (Miss Manners agrees), but I did get criticized at the time we got married by my mom’s best friend that not having a registry made it difficult for people to know what to get us.
If one puts their registries on the wedding invitation, I can understand seeing that as a gift grab. But when a couple registers and doesn’t advertise it, I do not see the problem. I find it VERY helpful to google a couple at the typical stores and find out what they need or want. Particularly if I know the parent but not the couple very well, these come in very handy, and I have more confidence that I won’t be buying them the 10th crockpot or something that they will just have to take back. I see registries as something that are really helpful-it’s never required that one buy a gift period, but if you are looking for direction, a gift registry the BEST way to find it.
How silly to register for gifts and not tell people! Fortunately, today most couples have wedding websites where all that information can be found. I don’t mind honeymoon registries, having gotten all kinds of junk for our wedding that we gave to Goodwill or the church rummage sale (despite having registered). You may like that weird china figurine, but the bride may hate it!
There is no way to make everybody happy. My husband and I didn’t want a registry at all – we were in our 40s, my husband had been married before, and he had just downsized 2/3 of his possessions to move into my urban condo. Saying “no gifts” goes against the grain for a lot of people; they view this as a duty and a pleasure. My mother’s friends were calling her, frantic, before they were even invited, because they were determined to get us gifts and didn’t know what to buy. One insisted on giving me a shower, which I didn’t want because it’s all about gifts, so we compromised and had an engagement tea. We tried to accommodate everyone by not putting a gift directive on the invitations, but if you Googled us, you’d find both a honeymoon fund (what we actually wanted) and an old-school housewares/kitchen registry, so guests could choose whether to send a gift and what flavor of gift they preferred.
@mamabear1234, the last 5 or 6 weddings I have attended did not in any way announce their registries. But with a simple google, I was able to quickly locate their wedding web site or a link to any one of their registries. If you are invited to a wedding shower, yes, they are usually written on the invite, but if you are only invited to the wedding, there is really no way to communicate it without seeming kind of crass, imo. Nowadays it’s not really all that necessary to formally announce where a couple is registered, thanks to Google.
In my opinion…putting your places of registry on your wedding website IS how younlet folks know where you are registered.
Our DDs save the date will have the following.
Their names
Place, date and time of wedding
Wedding website
Contact info for the blocked hotel rooms...simply because...it's a holiday weekend...and sooner is better than laterif they want rooms. Our hotel place asks for a credit card to hold the room but doesn't charge at all...until check in time. One can cancel, up to 24 hours before with no charge.
I went to a wedding recently where the save-the-date listed a wedding website. When you went to the site included in all the information was a link for a honeymoon registry. It said the couple was going to Moscow and St Petersburg. There was a box where you could check the amount you wanted to give and then pay electronically. To me, this made more sense than the sites where it lists dinner for 2 at XX or an all-day tour of YY. What’s the point? I don’t care how they use the money–that is up to the couple.
My parents just celebrated 64 years, and still have some of their gifts. Things that probably seemed impractical then have become beloved family items, so much so that last Christmas Mom managed to find 3 items duplicating something we laughingly say we’re going to fight over (it’s an ugly but loveable platter) and gave each of us one. I’m sure whoever gave it didn’t know how it would become important, but it did.
I say…give the couple something they want…not something YOU want them to have,
The only wedding presents I remember at all are my crock pot (given to me by a bunch of coworkers…and we used it until we replaced it a few years ago)…the dreaded Orrefors Crystal (which is boxed up) and 12 Lenox dinner plates we use for holidays (we don’t have a set of China…just those plates).
We needed nothing as we both had lived in our own places…and had everything we needed.
But we would have loved a honeymoon…which was totally unaffordable to us at the time.
Curious about your kids used a honeymoon fund. Is the honeymoon planned for later on? Because how do you know how much you will receive? What if you don’t get enough to cover cost of hotel, etc? Seems you still have to have the ability to pay for the trip upfront. Or is is mostly just for add-on experiences like dinners and excursions?
