Horrible fight with my parents...help please.

<p>I’m 18 years old, a good student, and a good kid overall. Leaving for Umass Amherst in a couple of months. I don’t drink/smoke, i don’t hang out during the weekdays because of schoolwork, and on weekends I only hang out on Fridays and Saturdays. I have all A’s and B’s, I do my household chores, and I am very respectful towards my parents. My curfew is 11 pm (used to be 9 but my parents extended it after an argument). Last night, i wanted to stay out until 10:45 with my boyfriend (we were eating our dinner and celebrating our 8 months) and my dad went into a rage. He told me to come home immediately. I became angry and told him my curfew was 11pm but he said that was only the case if ate dinner with the family every night. I was furious, but I came home immediately and I demanded angrily to my mother to speak to my father (he was not home when i got there). Her response? She slaps me across the face due to my tone of voice. Then proceeded to pull my hair, and in response I slapped her back across the face (mostly in fear she was going to keep hurting me). Then feeling bad, i began to cry and i tried to hug her to tell her I was sorry. In response, she pushed me away and essentially told me I was worthless. In anger, i told her “Fine, I’ll kill myself then.” to which she began to scratch, pinch, slap and push me. So i walked out of the house. I ended up going home, but i am still angry and hurt. </p>

<p>My parents are very controlling. I’m angry because a) my father is only allowing a 11 pm curfew if I eat dinner with them every day (unrealistic demand). My curfew is 10pm on a weekend night. And b) my mother hit me because she was angry. Violence is not how you respond. </p>

<p>I just dont know what to do…</p>

<p>get pictures of your marks, and report this to someone. you are not a minor, so you would be the one to report to the police</p>

<p>if i were you, i would lay low and fake it till you can get out of there</p>

<p>what are your financials re college, because at this point that is the only power they have</p>

<p>if they are paying, you need to just survive the next few months, if you are not needing them to pay, get out while you can</p>

<p>reason to document this NOW is if you need to get emancipated uo have a record of the abuse</p>

<p>this is not something you can ignore, but you need to also look long term</p>

<p>Is there a counselor you could talk to at school?</p>

<p>Judging by their actions, I doubt speaking to them, arguing and certainly fighting with them will make any difference. But being on your own as quickly as possible and as soon as possible will.</p>

<p>So first, cool off. </p>

<p>Second, go speak to your mother. Calmly. Tell her that you promise you will NEVER hit her again, and that you would like the same promise in return from her. Try to speak to her as one adult to another. It may not work, but it will send a specific signal to your mother. </p>

<p>Third, try not to antagonize your father. He and your mom are paying for your education, right? Don’t give them any reason to deny your financial support, since it’s certainly in their right to do so. </p>

<p>Once you get to school, start thinking about ways you can avoid going home for any meaningful period of time, including in the summer. Gaining physical and financial independence will be the best thing for you, and the easiest way to get out of this very unhealthy environment. Hugs, and good luck.</p>

<p>I am so sorry you are experiencing the worst of humanity from the people who are supposed to love you most. </p>

<p>I agree that you should document your injuries, and give evidence to a trusted friend, even if you choose not to report them right now.</p>

<p>Is it just your parents who are abnormally controlling, or is your family part of a culture that in general exerts more dominant control over children? If it is cultural, I imagine your extended family might likely side with your parents? Do you attend church, and is there anyone there who could help talk with you and discuss your options? A sports coach, a neighbor, your boyfriend’s parents? Anyone you can trust?</p>

<p>Options…if you ever feel your life is in danger, get out immediately. Do not think about your college future at that point…just get to a safe place.</p>

<p>If you think this incident will cause future violence to escalate, you will have to think carefully about how to proceed. Are there younger children in your household? If you decide to leave your parents’ home, will the younger siblings be put in danger?</p>

<p>If things calm down, you may choose to stay in the home, following the parents’ strict rules and staying silent. Count down the days til you are able to leave for college. Do you foresee some freedom in your college life, or will your parents be controlling such things as having to live at home and commute, requiring you to come home every weekend, etc?</p>

<p>Do you have a job, or can you find ways to make money babysitting, knitting and selling scarves, tutoring, etc? A source of money will help you if you need to get out quickly.</p>

<p>I don’t know what resources are available to you where you live, but the police can be of help in directing you to agencies that will help you find shelter if you need to escape.</p>

<p>Keep posting and let us know how you are doing…there are a lot of people here at CC who care.</p>

<p>My parents are normally pretty lax. They’re Indian, so it could be a cultural aspect. A 10 pm curfew for a college bound student is ridiculous in my opinion. And an extension to 11 pm ONLY if i eat dinner with the family is irrational. I don’t understand why they don’t trust me…I stay in on weekdays doing homework, and I don’t attend parties. They used to be quite controlling, but I believe they have let up a lot. They have come a long way.</p>

<p>Wait a minute…dad went berserk for some reason (not reasonably, I’ll grant that one up front)…mom reacted unreasonably also. Dad is using dinner as excuse to get you home…you’re with boyfriend celebrating 8 months together. they got worried. Just saying. They’re losing control and feel helpless. You’re growing up and there isn’t a thing they can do.
Violence (hair pulling etc) is not how to respond but is this a regular thing or just once? Is it a cultural thing? It sounds like a fearful reaction on their part (not reasonable but fear never is). You’re leaving the nest in a couple months and won’t be under their control–try to keep it sane until then.
Your walking out in the heat of the moment and subsequent coming home is a proper response. Just preface it with the “I’m going for a walk to cool off and I’ll be back”. Saying your coming back defuses another set of fears. Returning home–how did that go? Are things smoothing over (although uncomfortable)?</p>

<p>There are no injuries. Just slight pain and bruising. Nothing severe. </p>

<p>My household is extremely safe. My parents are warm, compassionate, caring individuals. Especially my mother. She is hot tempered like me and we both reacted rashly. Laying a hand on me, though is UNACCEPTABLE. I refuse to speak to her. Her hurtful words have cut me deeply and I hope that I will be able to forgive her. </p>

<p>At the moment, I do not have a job. But I am searching for a summer job! </p>

<p>I know my parents love me and care about me. They support me and want me to be safe and happy.</p>

<p>I do not agree that basically sucking up abusive parents to get your education paid for is the way to go. Get photos of your injuries and report this to an adult who is a “mandated reporter”. That means they must report the abuse you endured whether you want them to or not. </p>

<p>I have to say I would be shocked if my own kids demanded anything or slapped me-but I also know that scratching and other physical attacks are not the way to respond. The emotional toll is real as well.</p>

<p>I used to work with abused women and children and I second what another poster said-if you feel unsafe, get out now-there are teen shelters, friends, you could even call around to some churches-many keep a list of resources.</p>

<p>If you feel you can talk to your parents, ask calmly to talk to them and talk about renegotiating the house rules. And apologize. But do this only if you think you will not be hit, slapped, scratched, etc. </p>

<p>Good luck.</p>

<p>Edited tp add: “Just slight pain and bruising.” Those ARE injuries! You WERE hurt! Please, when you talk to your parents, tell them that it is not legal in this country (if you are in the US) and that you will help them find a better way to enforce rules. That “help” might mean calling in another trusted adult.</p>

<p>Violence is a cultural thing since both my parents received severe beatings when they were younger. I have it easy. My parents haven’t touched me in years until now.</p>

<p>Edit: Things are a bit uncomfortable at the moment. My dad came to speak to me last night, but my mom hasn’t. I’ve been avoiding them.</p>

<p>@sseamom I am certain that they are not abusive parents! They love me way too much! It’s just my mother’s temper, when paired with mine, sets her off. </p>

<p>I will try to talk to them about the physical violence and the house rules. They NEED to be addressed.</p>

<p>It’s their house, rules and tradition, and it’s likely that your mom is passing on the cycle of abuse that she learned from her mother or father. She will not change so expecting her to do so is illogical. But you can change and that’s the most important thing.</p>

<p>Step by step you must extricate your self from the household. It may take four years of college and a lot of pain but you can do it. Time is on your side, intelligence is on your side, right is on your side. Go to college and become educated. In four years, hopefully you can control the situation through financial independence. But remember that the cycle of abuse must be broken. The true victory is to never heap such abuse on your daughter/son. God Bless.</p>

<p>I have four daughters and all I can say is there is two sides to every story…period. Good luck to you.</p>

<p>Are they afraid you are having, or shortly will have, sex with your boyfriend? That could be the reason for their suddenly pulling tight on the leash. </p>

<p>Their way of handling it is inappropriate, but that might be the reason.</p>

<p>@VeryHappy I’m smart enough to be safe. They should know that.</p>

<p>chixtwix45-believe me when I tell you this isn’t about love. It’s about control. And they are losing that as you get older and ready to leave for college. It IS abusive to hit, scratch, pinch, etc. I’m sure they believe they are being lenient because they are not beating you as they were. They probably think there’s no abuse, as you do. I once believed my former husband had the right to “correct” me since I was not doing as I should. People believe what they hear for years.</p>

<p>Please be careful.</p>

<p>@sseamom - my mom responded that way when I said I would kill myself (said it in rage). Perhaps she was scared(?). I doubt her reaction to that was about control. But when she first hit me and pulled my hair, it was in anger.</p>

<p>^^^^I’m so sorry. I was slapped in the face on a couple of occasions as a teen. I’ve never forgotten it, and I vowed I would NEVER do the same to my kids, and I haven’t. You said you responded in kind, and I know you feel regret for that. Try not to get caught up in that cycle, or you will repeat that behavior in the future. And you really don’t want to do that.</p>

<p>The best thing you can do for yourself is gain financial independence. Good luck.</p>

<p>I’m sure you are smart enough to be safe. That’s not what I meant.</p>

<p>If they think you are having sex – even safe sex – they think you are out of control. Their conservative background makes them think that way. You could be the best student in the world, your BF could be the best person in the world, but they think they are losing control because you might be having sex.</p>

<p>Regardless – their reason doesn’t matter. Their behavior does. I agree with those who advise getting photos taken, even if you have to take them yourself.</p>

<p>Unless there is truly an unsafe situation, I do NOT recommend reporting this sort of thing to the authorities. I can say this as I am not a doctor, police officer, teacher, etc, and people in that position of authority are required by law to report such things to social services when they occur to minor. You are not a minor, but an adult and should think this through. The consequences can be permanent and severe when you follow through on something like this. I’ve seen permanent breaches, and frankly, I think we are in a period of overreactions for much of this.</p>

<p>You are going to be out of there soon enough, so take it easy, and try to keep things from going haywire. You parents are nervous as you are now an adult, and there is always some tension that come with these mileposts. They were wrong, most likely, to have acted and reacted the way they did, if you aren’t leaving out major parts of the story or lying, but I can tell you that these panic attacks happen a lot when parents can sense that their kids are on the verge of doing as they please in terms of recreation, sex, contraband, etc. One great break those who get to go away for college get is the distance and the independence. But, yes, I know many, one cousin, in fact, who lost out on going away to state u do to behavior mere months before his scheduled departure date. it does happen.</p>

<p>I’m sorry. Hugs.</p>