<p>@Nrdsb4 I haven’t forgotten every time my parents have hit me either. And I know I will NEVER raise a hand to my future children. </p>
<p>@VeryHappy Makes sense. I have a family therapist appointment on Thursday and I’m hoping my family will be able to work things out. Especially on the trust and control issues.</p>
<p>Chix–yes, she was scared. Her response was most likely out of fear to the “kill myself” statement.<br>
Do your parents normally support you? It sounds like they do.
Only you can interpret your parents reactions. I totally leave that to you. I have one response and I have foreign friends (your case sounds very familiar to me) who have totally different reactions and ideas based on the upbringing in different cultures depending on their own experiences. But we all love our kids.
If you can find it possible, stop the not talking…don’t prolong the tension between you. In the long run, it’s the only way to mend fences and you only have two months left living with them full time. Make it better sooner than later for all concerned so the send-off is on a good note.</p>
<p>@cptofthehouse - I would never report them to the police unless I was severely harmed. I know my parents well, and they made a mistake. I did too. I’m hoping i’ll eventually be able to work things out with them.</p>
<p>My suggestion to take pictures was just so you have them. Chances are this will never happen again. but if it does, or if it escalates, it won’t hurt to have the photos in a safe place.</p>
<p>I do not know what state you are in but the family therapist may be required to report. I understand that you are not a minor but again depending on the circumstances and ethics of the therapist, she may report. I am a clinical SW and families divulge things and do not quite understand reporting criteria. We are required to advise our clients of confidentiality limits.</p>
<p>“my mom responded that way when I said I would kill myself (said it in rage). Perhaps she was scared(?). I doubt her reaction to that was about control.” This part was left out for a reason! Like I suspected, I dont feel like the whole story is being told about the situation. Has anyone asked: is there something about the “boyfriend” that the parents dislike? such as…saggy pants, too old, sleezy, bad rep, etc… Is there something in the past she did that may have caused the parents not to trust her and as a result is now this strict?? Like I said, I have 4 daughters ages 9-23, all drama queens…and they have definetly twisted stories a time or two for sympathy, attention and dramatics. The girl has said several times that her parents aren’t abusive. I believe her. Although I am not agreeing with the curfew…I think its ridiculous but she wont have to live under their roof forever, she wont have a curfew forever, pretty soon she will and can date whoever she wants ~when~ she moves out. So my advice will be to just suck it up for now (meaning the strictness)… she is almost home free! To advise the girl to call the authourities and all of that is “doing too much”. Are you trying to get the girl disowned? Who knows what will happen if she actually reported something like that to the authorities? That’s serious. I am sure her parents love her and only wants whats best for her, which she has admitted in so many words. Bottom line, she may feel frustrated today about the situation, but maybe, just maybe she will look back on this and see that her parents may have just saved her behind from a lot of heartache and stress…at the end of the day, a strict curfew is really not the end of the world. Be appreciative that you have parents that care.</p>
<p>@harrvd - I agree. I actually just printed out this entire post and handed it to my parents so they could read over it. I trust my parents and i know them well, I just want them to be aware that its not okay for them to hit me. They actually adore my boyfriend, but they have strict cultural values and only want to keep me safe.</p>
<p>Even from the perspective of Indian parents, the reaction to your late return is very unusual. In fact, hitting a teenage girl is unheard of in educated middle class families. I am not too sure, whether your narration of the events is complete in all respects. My suggestion as a parent would be to allow more time to the on-going healing process. Also, think about the whole incident as a ‘bad dream’ and try to forget.</p>
<p>I must admit most of the suggestions made by the other posters seem to me very genuine and caring. Take all the suggestions into account and decide on the steps you should take to avoid recurrence of the very unfortunate encounter with your mother. Take care!</p>
<p>@Rintu - Mom probably responded in that manner because I was yelling disrespectfully.</p>
<p>Anyone have an idea on how i could possibly go about talking to my parents about this incident? And how long i should wait before doing so? </p>
<p>Im glad my dad was able to come and talk to me about it, and im still waiting for my mom to apologize/talk to me. Doubt she will though.</p>
<p>When to talk to your parents?
I’d say when/if you truly feel like you can offer an apology and a conversation (while controlling any rage). Wait till you feel like you can say sorry even if they can’t. Are you expecting an apology…what if they don’t offer one?</p>
<p>You can start with a smile… or a short sweet note (with your true sentiment)…</p>
<p>I hope your day goes well. I’m a parent and I remember arguing with my parents like it was just yesterday. And I have teenage daughters.</p>
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<p>It’s obvious you love your parents very much because at the first hint of criticism you rushed back to defend them. </p>
<p>However, there is never, not ever, never a valid reason for a parent to hit a child as your mother did you. I am troubled that you continue to defend it. You say you would never hit your own child, but the fact that you have defended the behavior multiple times on this thread does make me wonder if you would defend your actions if your own child yelled disrespectfully. I’m not saying you would, I’m just asking you to try to analyze your own reactions: are you defending them only because you love them, or because deep down you believe their violence as acceptable? </p>
<p>As far as your question about how to go about talking to your parents about this incident, didn’t you say you shared this thread with them? It seems to me that was a plea from you to talk about it. How did they react?</p>
<p>I’m glad you’re going to a family counseling session. Best of luck to all of you. Since you do love each other, the counselor has a good foundation to work with.</p>
<p>While I certainly understand your concerns and the concerns of everybody else on this thread (as an aside, I am an Indian parent who grew up in this country), my only additional thought is that if you were to report this to the authorities, your mother could also report that you threatened to kill yourself. This could potentially cause problems down the line, although this certainly does not absolve your mother of the responsibility in terms of hitting you. You probably need to sit down with your parents and have a very long talk about this occurrence and expectations for the future.</p>
<p>Hello Chix-- I am 43 and I am Indian too. I have a 20 year old daughter. She is away at school. Love her to death. She too was acting out but when she was in high school. I am not controlling but we had the same situation… She never comes home on time. If you leave the house saying you will be home at a certain time then that should be so. Instead you should have talk to them before hand. It doesn’t seem like they are too controlling if you have a boyfriend. They probably feel like they are losing you some how…go talk to your mom.</p>
<p>I am an Indian mother myself-- raise here since I was five. I have a 20 year old daughter. I love her to death but she makes me crazy too. With her, we had a situation when she was a teenager. I feel for you and your mom. I don’t think you see how she is bound by the culture. You should go talk to her an I am sure it will work out. Explain to her that you just want to talk and tell her that its not okay for her to hit you. I was in that situation a long time ago. My daughter threaten to run away and I am not even a controlling parent. As for the staying out, did you talk to them before hand?? Maybe that’s why they are mad. My daughter still doesn’t come home when she says she will</p>
<p>Dear future college student, your time is short. Soon you will be out of the house and far more independent. Please consider keeping your curfew as a kindness to Mom and Dad, so they don’t worry so much. They want you to grow up wise and caring for others. That’s a good thing.</p>
<p>As an aside, we were talking about how much physical hitting, etc. went on in the generations that preceded us. I think today’s kids, those who aren’t in an abusive situation, would truly be shocked to hear some of the stories, from our own parent mouths in many cases, and even more so from their parents. We got slapped, hit, etc. Our parents were hit and slapped too. We - my dad and his sister - were discussing it recently. My dad would come home from school and his mom would just start hitting him. He didn’t even know why she was mad at him. She’s say ‘you know why I am mad at you’ and whack away. She was a good person, who never struck me or expressed any anger to me (granddaughter). I asked my aunt when was the last time she struck you, and she said when she was 18 and she caught aunt smoking her one and only cigarette. She then recalled the time that her mom threw something at her and she ducked, and the thing struck her own mother (my great grandma). My grandma adored her own mother.</p>
<p>I think people can take generations to unlearn the hitting response. I have not hit my kid, except for noisy spankings when she was very little, but I have felt that impulse to respond to anger in that way, as that’s what I experienced. It takes time. Give them time. Hopefully this is the last time you will experience this. In the meantime, you’re living in their house so respect their rules. It won’t kill you, and you’ll be gone soon.</p>
<p>@Chix…this is what you do… Sit down and write a long letter to your mother about how hurt you were when she hit you. Also express that you feel that they are smothering you and if possible, you would appreciate a little more leniency. (now only you know if their reasons for being so strict in the first place is due to something you did in the past…but thats between you and them-if you did cause distrust between you two maybe ensure them that you have learned from your mistake and has grown since then). Lets face it, your mother may never apologize or initiate a talk about what just happened. If you truly need this talk with your mom, then be the bigger person and reach out to her. Who knows? she may feel justified for what she did because…like you said, you were yelling and being disrespectful and talking about killing yourself…thats too much. It should have never gotten to that level of intensity…all behind a curfew? Listen, its still time to fix this…write Mom a letter and I truly think you owe your parents an apology for talking about killing yourself. Thats very hurtful and scary to hear coming from your child’s mouth. You will have kids one day and I promise you that is the last thing you ever wanna hear coming from their mouth. As far as the curfew thing…ugh! just ride it out for a little bit. What I would do is try to incorporate the boyfriend in more family time stuff, you know? See if it is OK to invite him to family dinner sometime. Like all of the other posters said: this is a small case of them knowing and realizing that they are losing their little girl. I cant lie. I went thru it a little with my oldest. You just want to feel “included” you know? They know they dont have much time left and it sounds like to me that they dont know how to go about it except for pulling the control card and they really need to be careful. If they were able to spend more time with you and boyfriend, more than likely they will, return the favor by relaxing some on that stupid curfew! I really hope this works. You sound like a very bright young lady. Sending peace and positive vibes~+~+~+~ your way…good luck.</p>
<p>I’m planning on waiting until Thursday to talk to them. Thanks everyone! This was all very helpful. :-)</p>
<p>Actually…I went to talk to her today and to apologize. She basically told me to never call her mom again and that our relationship was essentially over. She’s been there for me all my life and I’ve never been there for her. And that I don’t really love or respect her. She said she’ll be here if I need her, but she’s putting herself first from now on and that she has nothing more to give. </p>
<p>My dad and I made up and he comforted me when she told me that, because I just broke down. I’ve never been so depressed in my life.</p>
<p>Have you asked your father to speak to your mother about her feelings? You have mended one fence- now you need to try to mend the other. I can’t imagine a mother holding this one isolated event against you forever. I hope it all works out for you. I was estranged from my parents for three years because of many nasty and false things my father said about my wife (typical Indian father from India who believes in the family hierarchy). My parents realized that if they didn’t fix things that they would never see my children (and they didn’t in that three year period). Everything was fixed in the end.</p>