Horrible fight with my parents...help please.

Parent Cafe
41

<p>chixtwix, I wouldn’t worry too much right now about what your mom said. She is probably still angry. You can’t raise a kid with so much love and care and then all of a sudden, the relationship is over. Not happening, these are just angry words.</p>

<p>Your story is so familiar to me, I have a mom who was erratic, with a hot temper, and could hold a grudge forever! She was abused as a child very badly, and still struggles with some mental issues. So does my dad. But when you’re young, you think that your parents problems and moods, and how they react to you are completely related to your actions, but they’re not. It wasn’t until I was WAY older that I realized that parents have all sorts of stresses and problems, both physical and mental, that had nothing to do with me and my sister. But sometimes we just ended up in the line of fire. They can’t stand to think that they did anything wrong, now that we’re older, and I get a really terrible reaction if I bring up something negative that they did. Parents just don’t like to face that. I don’t dwell over it, because I feel that I turned out very motivated, responsible and mentally healthy…so whatever they did was just fine.</p>

<p>I think that you also sound very mentally healthy and responsible. If you can feel compassion towards her, and don’t let how she’s acting now bother you too much…that would be perfect. Go about your life, respect whatever ridiculous rules that your parents have deemed essential (it won’t be too much longer that you have to follow them), and if you get an opportunity to say thanks to your mom for some little reason, and treat her kindly, that would be enough. She’ll get over it, so don’t let emotional blackmail bring you down. This won’t last forever, and chances are this ordeal actually had nothing to do with your actions in the first place.</p>

<p>My mom used to hold grudges for weeks, sometimes even ignoring my dad for that long. One time she was angry and screaming at me, and I saw her tears, but instead of saying something snarky, I said, “I’m sorry mom, I love you.” At that point she hugged me, and it was all over. Had I waited, she would have been angry forever. It is best to deflate the situation at the time, but it’s hard to do when you know you’ve been wronged and are upset yourself. Just don’t let this keep bothering you anymore, go on and enjoy your senior spring.</p>

42

<p>chixtwix45-I’m so sorry your mom reacted like that! But I’m very encouraged that your dad comforted you. Maybe he can (eventually) help you and your mother get to the point of communicating. I think it says a lot about your strength and maturity that you apologized even though you still felt hurt and angry. Hopefully your counseling appointment will help you move forward.</p>

<p>I do hope your mom talks to you. I have friends whose mother and/or father do not. They DO sometimes make the horrible decision not to have a relationship with their children, but I hope that’s not the case for you. Cyber hugs.</p>

43

<p>I think I’ll take @busdriver11’s advice and let her alone. I’ve done my best, and my dad’s there to support me. Let my mom battle her own demons. I hope that when I leave for college, she’ll rethink things over and feel a bit of remorse. She still believes that she has a right to hit me because she’s my mother and has raised me, and that I had no right to hit her because I’m her daughter. Bit twisted values in my opinion. I’m more hurt than angry by what she said to me yesterday, so I’m basically done trying. If she wants a relationship with me, its on her from now on. I’ve done my best.</p>

44

<p>Sounds like my parents before my mom realized I could probably knock her out with one punch and my dad basically gave up on me</p>

45

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<p>Clearly she’s got plenty. Your job as a child is not to be there for your mother; her job as a mother is to be there for you. She’s not very good at it. Don’t waste your energy hoping she will feel remorse because she probably won’t. Her appalling behavior is about her loss of control and feelings of inadequacy. It’s not even about you.</p>

46

<p>chixtwix-my heart aches for you. I am also sad for you mother, as she is unable to recognize how lucky she is to have the daughter you are, you are a teen, you will be emotional, it is up to us, the parents, to not behave like a teen. I hope she realizes this before you leave, because despite her tough words, she is hurting too.</p>

47

<p>Posts 45 and 46 - both great comments.</p>

<p>Chixtwix, I wish you all the best. I can’t say it any better than the last two posts, but just wanted to add my cyber hugs to the pile.</p>

48

<p>Thanks for all the great advice and comfort. It still hurts though. </p>

<p>I just want to save our relationship, but she won’t even talk to me :’(. She even refuses to come & speak with my therapist for a family session this Thursday. I guess I’ll just have to cope with how things are now… It’s so depressing, and I feel like such a fool for getting mad over a stupid curfew. I can’t help but blame myself, since if I hadn’t screamed and gotten so angry, none of this would have happened. But I’ll think I’ll be able to handle the consequences…I’ll have to.</p>

49

<p>chixtwix, you sound like you are taking responsibility for what is really not your fault. It sounds like you’re assuming that since you are the more mature person, that you should have reacted better, and compensated for your mother. Even though YOU are the child.</p>

<p>But I ask you, does your mother get angry at people, and hold grudges for a long time? Is this merely a pattern of what has already happened to others, but not usually to you?</p>