Horrid coworker, should I say something?

Parent Cafe
1

I started a new PT job 2 months ago, although it’s closer to FT as I’m helping him get things going. It’s a 15 person HVAC company, and boy…this is NOT Corporate America. The owner is a great guy, but not a great businessman. He also has what I think is adult ADHD hyperactivity, which I find a bit stressful. Anyway, all the the techs and supervisors are very nice guys. There is one front office woman, about 51. Rough around the edges to put it mildly, a former factory worker. She got her sssociates degree and started working there 3 years ago.

She’s not a nice person. Starting about 3 weeks in, she started being very defensive with me, not talking, looking at me mean. There are times where she’s fine, but that lasts about 10 seconds. I didn’t come out of retirement for this. I’m an easy going office, friendly co-worker. I’ve been holding her at arms length since then, not giving her the opportunity to jump down my throat. I act friendly, polite but no small talk like I did the first week or so. Yesterday, the owner made some comment to me that “S has a great big chip on her shoulder and it’s not just you, it’s me and all the other guys”. I think she must have complained about me, for him to say something like that to me.

It’s hard to ask her questions or for help, which she has to do things for me. She’s snarky.

So, I like the job itself, 10 minutes from home, pays very well for a bookkeeping job (although way below my career salary). He needs help, I like the work, keeping busy and the money.

But she is wearing on me, and I don’t know whether to say something to him or not. He needs her, he’s on a skeleton crew. I don’t want to talk to her directly because I think she’s looking for the opportunities to jump down my throat, why I don’t know. Plus, I don’t think people really change. You’re either nice or your not. He would say something to her and I think things would be worse perhaps.

DH says I should just look for another job, but I don’t want FT and these PT jobs aren’t easy to find. It took awhile to get a call back on this one. Plus, it was so stressful those first few weeks starting a new job I said this would be my last. I’m not starting a new job ever again! Haha!

What to do, what to do?

2

““S has a great big chip on her shoulder and it’s not just you, it’s me and all the other guys””

Would have been the perfect time to ask him why he keeps her on board.

Does she interact with customers at all?

What are you hoping for? That she’ll leave, get fired, or change her demeanor?

3

You can start looking for a new gig without quitting this one. I would.

4

She answers the phones, but doesn’t really deal with customers much. I’d love it if she left, but I doubt that will happen. She makes excellent money for an associates degree with only 3 years experience. Like I said, very nice owner. But he has no one else to do what she does and she works hard. Opens up the office, sort of like an office manager, but not quite.

I guess those are good questions to ask myself. She’s not going to change, he’s not going to fire her. (Although I think he really would like to). I’ll probably have to leave at some point. I’d like to stick it out another few months at least. Got some unexpected expenses and it’s nice to be able to help out with those. I really enjoy making money again and it’s the best office ever! Great windows, lots of space. There’s a learning curve with the job, but it’s not hard, just super busy. The day flies by.

5

If you’re not going to quit, just treat her with extreme kindness. You can’t control her attitude but you can control your behavior.

6

Yeah, pretty much kill her with kindness. You really can’t go wrong with that approach. Let things roll off of you. She may have never worked around women in an office environment (if she came from a factory) so she may not know how to behave.

Smile when she scowls. Not in a passive aggressive way- just smile. Thank her often, even for the little stuff.

7

Some people just have a mean face. Resting mean face!

8

Would you consider sitting her down and saying “I feel like I’ve done something to offend you; what can I do to fix the situation?”

9

In my old age, with experience, I’ve become much more suspicious than I was in my younger years.

Does she have any control over money flows? Check writing? Cash? Is there any remote chance that her gruff presentation is a means to intimidate others into steering clear of her territory? Just thinking out loud. If you’re the bookkeeper, you’d be a threat if she was helping herself somehow.

10

Given that you don’t think she will be fired and you don’t want to leave, the only options that remain are to try to win her over or to ignore it.

In similar circumstances in the past, I’ve used the “kill them with kindness” approach and turn it into a mental challenge for myself - to win that person over. Surprisingly, it often works.

11

Find something to compliment her a couple times a week and mix it up a bit. Like something she is wearing or how neat she keeps her office space. Or, if she has done a project that it is in your purview to see the final product, then tell her it was a job well done.

Find something you need help with or need clarification on, then ask her for what it is you need.

She may just be intimidated by you and her behaviour is a coping mechanism. She may back down if she feels valued or needed.

12

Tell her you would like to show her how to do some parts of your job. “As it will be important for someone like you who’ll be here long after me to have an idea”. Then explain that you’re only there for a period time as a part time, retirement type job.

Even if the mentoring doesn’t actually happen, it may help.

She probably sees you as competition and perhaps is intimidated by your experience and professionalism.

It also tells her you don’t think she’s uneducated with “only an associates degree” or “rough around the edges”. The “former factory worker” might sense a little bit of condescension.

It might be a big insecurity thing for her.

It won’t make her suddenly a ball of sunshine but manageable for you.

13

@conmama, I hope you take this as a compliment, but after “getting to know you” here on CC, I think you are the EXACT opposite of this woman! You seem polished, cheery, chatty, and helpful. You may well be what drives HER crazy or she may be a little jealous of your polish. Are there other women or just you two?

I would try and find out a little bit more about her interests/likes. I mean basic things like does she like donuts? Bring a few in one morning! What is something she is skilled at that you could ask for advice on - something to build her up - I wonder if she feels threatened by you.

14

When she was in a normal mood for 10 minutes last week, I took the opportunity to ask her something about her job (I actually needed to know). She was actually friendly that day. Monday morning I come in and she’s practically snarling at me. You know, being the new person, friendly with her especially since we are the only 2 women, I’m pretty ticked at the way I’ve been treated. I know you all mean well with the kill her with kindness scenarios, and Ive tried to do that somewhat. But I’ve taken what she’s dished out almost the entire time I’ve been there as quietly as I can…and now I’m in no mood to kiss up to her. I’m about ready to blow, is more like it.

15

Well your anger doesn’t sound healthy for you nor does it bode well for this being a job you can stay at with that anger.

You are the new kid in town - and while what she doing is not ok, she apparently does get away with it and has for did you say 3 years? They aren’t likely to get rid of her or change her.

If you really like the job (and not just the $$$ or the type of work cause that can be found elsewhere I imagine) then if you find yourself at the end of your ropes you might need to have a sit down with the boss and share all the wonderful things about the job and staff but that you are finding it difficult day to day dealing with Ms. Moody. See what he says. That may give you a sense of where you stand - or where they stand in making any changes.

I don’t consider bringing in a donuts or asking for her experienced opinion kissing up - it’s trying to break down walls and find a place to fit in. Two months isn’t that long to break a tough cookie.

16

Thanks @abasket. Yes, this anger isn’t healthy and not what I want to deal with. I need to talk to the boss, just need to get my courage up. If I had only had a crystal ball…

17

Well, sounds like you can’t keep working in an environment that ticks you off so much. It’s a part time job, the economy is good, and jobs are replaceable. Your health and mental well-being are not. You can look for a new job but before you do, why not talk to the boss or to the woman herself or both? What do you have to lose, really?

18

If you’re truly ready to blow, maybe take the suggestions of @MaryBarbara58, and ask her (as kindly as you can muster without seeming obsequious, either) if you’ve done something to offend her and how/whether you can fix it. Of course, you’ve done nothing wrong, but It will kind of force her to face (at least to herself) her behavior. Then if she continues in the same vein for the next several days you can evaluate whether to stay, quit or confront her a little more firmly. But saying something while you’re still able to do it calmly is better than blowing up (which is what she may want or expect you to do).

19

I agree with post #7 and 17. Go to work, be pleasant, speak to her civilly and the first time she is snarky, look at her and ask- have I offended you in some way?

20

You’re the new “guy,” Give it time and don’t sweat the small stuff. Get friendly with the techs and others. Engage with the owner. Eventually, you get the story on her. But if it gets too bad, then quit. Give the owner plenty of notice and tell him why your leaving. Offer to train your replacement. He’ll either fix it or won’t care. Good luck.