My immediate response is “don’t talk to ME like that”. Followed by a NO and raised finger thereafter. It generally works, even on Deans.
Maybe she’s bipolar?
I’ve had to talk to my dd about people who come in miserable to work and try to take it out on her because she’s young. I pity these people because I really don’t envy their position. What do they go home to? They’re unhappy; you’re not.
She appears to be jealous of you because you have demonstrated skills and the co-workers already like you. I agree that you may be the female threat.
When she’s miserable towards you, remember that it’s her problem that’s she’s trying to drag you into. You’re better than that, so think of something positive for you and something that may be bugging her. Maybe her bra is cutting into her? Panties riding up her butt?
You can sympathize, but there is only so much you can do. You can’t fix her.
Start looking for another position, quietly.
Your boss said she has a chip on her shoulder with everyone. I wonder what’s currently going on in her life, or what went on in her life in the past, that’s made her this way. I wouldn’t want to be a punching bag or put up with Ms Sourface either, but maybe she might actually need a little compassion.
In regards to the “killing her with kindness” method, I would love to know how those of you who have used it have been successful with it. I had a situation with a snarky neighbor who inserted herself with my walking buddy, and I attempted to handle her unacceptable demeanor with that method, but it just became worse. When I finally decided I’d had enough, and completely ignored her, not even acknowledging her when she joined us, the situation became resolved.
Since I’ve been successful in removing her from my morning walk, other neighbors have volunteered that they’ve been attacked by her on their walks, and they’ve become masters at taking a different route if they see her coming.
Well the opposite of killing with kindness is as abasket said— freeze her out.
It is an art to do it well. You act as if there is no one there. No good mornings or goodbye’s.
Nothing. It is odd for a day or so but it does work. You keep it up until the person is acting pleasant.
It has to be a total ignore. Nothing directly unkind. I have never know it to not work.
Right now she has your “power”. Silence is one way to get it back.
I can’t ignore her, I have to ask her questions, I have to find out job #’s, get things from the office that she only has access to. I typically walk in and say good morning, and that’s that unless I need something. If I need something, I don’t start with pleasantries, just ask what I need, but I’m not over friendly, just polite and professional. I’m sure that irritates her more than anything. I feel,she tries to goad me, or sometimes” show her power”, over small things. I have some decisions to weigh. I wish I had chimed in when he brought her up, like @doschicos mentioned, but I didn’t want to appear gossipy. I don’t know how he truly feels about her, if he is loyal and was just venting. I thought caution was better.
I’d say a cheerful hello when I came in and then keep to myself.
For the questions, I would gather them and ask her when you can meet to go over them. She sounds like a pill, but she also may struggle with interruptions. It’s not clear what she’s doing when you ask, but some people are less flexible in that regard. I have colleagues who are much more receptive to being interrupted than I am (for example!)
If you cut flowers from your garden or have food from a party or baking flurry, just bring in some for her. Not nice people are rarely treated nicely (for a reason), but you may be able to change her outlook, ever so slightly. I am guessing that in addition to just having a sour disposition, she’s jealous of you.
If you need things from the office to do your job, why does she have access to them but you don’t? Is she your supervisor?If not, your boss should give you direct access to the tools you need to do your job.
You’re in a hostile working environment because your boss allows it. I’d speak friendly, but frankly, with him and tell him you enjoy your job, but you’ve noticed he’s right about her attitude and you’d like him to correct it. If she treats everyone that way, the problem is with her, and only her direct supervisor can fix it.
Set boundaries, and then just do you. There’s something unknown going on in this situation that’s outside of your job description. Eventually, if you choose to remain in place, the something unknown will be revealed.
Two thoughts - One, I am with @dadx that she may be skimming or two, she is going through a difficult menopause, which could explain mood swings that come and go and last differing amounts of time.
Is there any way that you could work remotely and come into the office less?
Did she have your duties before he hired you? Have you tried nicely confronting her about her attitude? If she is bullying you, she might back down. If something’s up, maybe she will share. It sounds like it’s not you if she is like that to the other staff.
If you don’t want to completely call her out, then maybe ask if there is anything going on then lay out your expectations, reassure her you don’t intend to replace her, and see if anything changes.
It sounds like a great situation other than her so its worth it to try and clear the air.
You are allowed to bring this up to your boss again. Just tell him you’ve been thinking about what he said, noticing her behavior toward you, and you’d like his advice about how you can deal with her. See what he says, and use the opportunity to gently mention that if it weren’t for her behavior toward you, you’d love the job.
I once convinced someone to get rid of a problem employee. The boss was acknowledging the person’s bad behavior but emphasized how good the problem employee was at her job. I agreed with him, and then followed up with, “But she’s not unique.” You could see the lightbulb go on in the boss’s head. Two months later, the problem employee was gone.
There are just some bad apples in the workplace. Why the owner keeps her on, who knows?
My H manages a few sites where he has direct reports and others at that site report to another boss. He has one toxic person on a site who doesn’t report to him and their boss is not inclined to do anything about it. This person does everything they can to divide and create atmosphere of chaos. It makes for a stressful work environment.
The boss knows what is going on, is not confrontational and lets this person do whatever they want.
My H handles this by being very, very careful with this person. They will do everything they can to keep their job and if you cross them, they will do everything they can to get you out of your job. They are all about self preservation.
H doesn’t engage and crosses every t and dots every i.
My advice: not everyone likes you and some people like no one. They might feel threatened and they might just be a very unpleasant person. I personally wouldn’t say anything to the boss, he knows and has probably gone through this with other employees.
Only you can decide if it bothers you enough to leave. But accept that it probably won’t change and the only thing you can do is how you react.
^^^ Agree that if she is like that to the other staff then it’s not just a “you” problem.
You know, sometimes you just have to be frank. You can be professional and still be frank and firm. I think over time you might find out more about why she is the way she is - there are so many ways this could go. In the meantime I wouldn’t get caddy but if you ask her a question and she is snippy back I would just calmly but firmly say something like “You seem a little irritated when I ask you questions about our work here. Please realize I’m just trying to complete what I’m responsible for.” Or whatever the situation calls for to point out to her that her mood is recognized and not appreciated or helpful in the realm of getting office work done and keeping office etiquette.
I’m more of the direct type. I’d flat out ask her if she has an issue. You can be nice about it or no nonsense direct. I feel if you don’t just do it you’re going to just keep being stressed and that just doesn’t seem like it’s worth it.
I think you should politely ask if you have offended her or if you are questions disrupt her workflow. That way, she will either provide you with an actual answer you can deal with (perhaps there is something in the background that she thinks you know), or she will be unable to answer, in which case you will have an opening to tell her going forward that you would appreciate it if she would extend the same courtesy to you that you do to her.
He isn’t going to fire her. As PT, you are more easily replaceable. So if you do not want to leave you need to figure out a way to deal with her that does not stress you out too much. Try treating her as a problem to solve, not a headache to avoid. I know you rejected the “kill her with kindness” advice. Perhaps think of her as a Rubik’s Cube. What sets her off? Is there a time of the day she is more pleasant than others? Is there part of your job that makes her more defensive when you interact with her? Make it a bit of a game. Did you get one nice comment from her today? How many this week? Did you set a PR this week of nice comments from her? Lots of ways to do it. And I know you shouldn’t have to play games to deal with someone at work. But if you want to stretch this out for a few more months it may help to get creative.
I honestly can see value in both approaches…kindness and boundaries. She obviously has some kind of problems that are not your fault and not of your making that calls for compassion, but doesn’t call for you to be abused because of it. I’d try the “nice” approach first, (i.e. bringing in treats or flowers) then gentle confrontation (“I feel like I’m bothering you…is there something I could do differently here?”). That may disarm her, but it could cause her to escalate as well, as bullies often take kindness as some kind of weakness to exploit. At that point you will have a good conscience that you’ve done everything possible. At that point I would set the boundaries. Look her firmly in the eye, as another poster said, and say something like “It’s not appropriate to talk to me like that. If you have a problem with anything I’m doing, then let’s talk it over it directly and solve the problem.” Then freeze her out except to be professionally cordial. And talk to the boss. However, I have a feeling he’s one of those people who can’t handle confrontatlon, since he and the others have put up with it this long. .
Just a thought. Who was doing your current tasks before you came on board? Any chance she wanted to do what you’re doing but was told no?
Or, was she alone in the office working for the past three years and now another person in her space is being seen as invading or just a big change - someone is now watching over her???
Interesting to read the range of responses.
From the OP’s description, my guess is this business is highly unlikely to function in a “proper” & “professional” way.
I may be very jaded, but after years of working in hospitality and witnessing all manner of misbehavior, bullying, hazing, & a shocking tolerance for highly unprofessional & dishonest behavior…I would be wary of thinking this situation can be fixed & wary of believing that all parties will behave in a rational professional manner — including expecting the boss to be interested in acting upon this grouchy unfriendly employee’s behavior towards you.
Maybe you’ll find a much better PT gig, or maybe with time, the situation will become more tolerable.
I guess, based on my own experience, I’d avoid throwing too much mental & emotional energy into this & focus on doing your job the best you can, even when others are making doing your job more difficult.
Been there!