I’m trying to find a pt bookkeeper, so you’re pretty valuable whether you recognize that or not.
He’s a no conflict kinda guy who probably knows how to do his job, but not how to manage or run a business.
I’m of the thought that you’re accepting her behavior teaches her how to treat you. Instead I’d give it back a little. Wow, looks like someone woke up on the wrong side of the bed, do you kiss your kids with that mouth, etc. I’d call her on how she treated me every single time. Not her general attitude but how she interacted with me. She can act like a miserable b word all day long, but not to me.
I agree with being kind and trying to win her over, but at some point if you wish to continue this job you need to play hardball. I know that’s hard, I have only done it a handful of times, but it worked.
In one case I had a coworker who was fine with me until I was selected to fill in for a manager who was on maternity leave. Then she started treated me rudely as well as not giving me reports I needed ( excuses such as " I don’t have that" and “I don’t know what you are talking about”). One day I walked into her office very calmly , shut the door and called her out. I told her I didn’t care if she liked me or not , but that she was going to work with me. I was calm and controlled. She at first denied what she had been doing but I did not back down. I simply stated firmly that yes, she was doing this stuff and it was going to stop.
She immediately started cooperating with me. She never liked me, but she worked with me from then on.
Sometimes you need to take the bull(y) by the horns.
Something that seems to me to be missing from the discussion so far is the possibility that the other woman is facing some kind of serious challenge in her life. People often have problems that they are unwilling to mention to anyone else, even with people with whom they have worked for three years (so the manager and other co-workers might not know).
Difficulties with a husband, ranging up to substance abuse and worse. Difficulties with children, who might have serious health or emotional problems, or difficulty finding or keeping a job. Difficulties in helping aging parents who are wonderful people, but who are suffering from near-end-of-life problems.
My father was in good health, declining slightly yet detectably, until he was 90 years and 6 months old. Then he developed a very serious health problem. My equally aged step-mother was not able to care for him at home, post hospitalization, so he went to a nursing home for rehab. But then he was in and out of the hospital, back and forth to different nursing homes, and never did get to return home. I took 10-hour round trips to visit him every other weekend, and now wish that I had gone every weekend. I don’t think I was “mean” to people because of this, but there is no question that it took a toll on me. If an elderly relative has Alzheimer’s, the relative can have problems for many years, not just the six months that my dad was terminally ill.
This is what I would suspect first from the description. Some people are just “mean,” I know, and some people’s life experiences have caused them to become bullies pretty early on in life. But in my experience generally, these people are suffering from hardship or ill treatment of some kind, which has caused their attitudes.
I would be as pleasant as possible, and limit interactions to the minimum that is needed to do the work. Perhaps occasionally bring in something to share with the other woman–pastries, smoothies, flowers on a 2-for-one sale, or something?
Unless you are a total, irreplaceable rock star, you probably still need to establish yourself and not be creating discord. You’ve only been there 2 months.
I fully agree in setting boundaries. But if this is a person who prefers to deal in snark and meanness, you are not going to establish yourself as a professional by “going there”. Your boundaries need to be ones that do not invite nasty responses. That is what it means to be professional.
If you want the boss to be more fully aware that she is not giving you info, I’d give him status reports showing what you are waiting for. But if he doesn’t like conflict, he’s not going to like it with you either.
This is a small company and his priority is his customers. He wants his back office to hum without him thinking about it. You need to be savvy.
I took a part time job that paid well and was in the same situation. Another employee started sabotaging everything I did from the get go. And everyone around me confirmed they knew what was going on.
In the end I left within a few months. They begged me to stay. My response to them was that I did not come here to change her world but she sure as hell wasn’t going to change mine.
The job and the great pay just was not worth the stress. I moved on.
She’s a bully. She won’t change until you confront her. You don’t have to cause a scene. When she says something snarky, make a general statement. “Menopause is/was awful for me. Do you have hot flashes, too?” Or “I had a friend who was cranky all the time; turned out she had a brain tumor.” Leave her guessing what you meant by that. If you say something after every snarky interaction, she will eventually get the idea. Like potty training a puppy.
It’s very interesting. Our responses are all over the place, from Be nice, to Confront her/Call her out, to Maybe she’s got some stuff she’s dealing with, to Get your boss involved, to Keep your head down and don’t make waves.
I don’t condone responding to snark with snark, no matter how tempting it might be. Sounds like it would make a hostile work environment even worse. Too much agita for me. I always find being direct and just getting the issue out in the open to be the best response. If you don’t want to try bending over backwards being nice to try to convert her, just have an honest conversation with her. What do you have to lose?
Have you listened to the Adam Grant work/life podcasts? They are in the usual podcast places and on TED too. He’s big on removing the toxic people, so maybe it’s your boss who really needs to listen, but I find them always helpful to listen to because he strategizes way to solve problems at work.
Yeah, I agree with not responding to snark with snark. Too much snark as a new person and you might be shown the door. Be the bigger person.
I work with a large group of mostly women. Many conflicting personalities. I found being nice just led to more issues. I said I don’t bother to confront people because it doesn’t end up productively. I always want a “quality conversation” but people who act like that don’t want a resolution , they are upset and want to act that way. Then someone gave me good advice, they said " why do you care how they take it ? " as long as you are professional. This really helped. Setting boundries on behavior often stops the behavior. I cant be responsible how they manage the conversation.
I have had my share of problems but don’t act nasty but many people do for a variety of reasons. Although I have compassion, I also have compassion for myself too. I should be treated with respect. I may not end up their best friend but I am more comfortable.
So I would have the calm conversation, noting the behavior, expressing concern. If nothing changes then move on. This is your retirement. You don’t need to be aggravated.
“So I would have the calm conversation”
Part of the calm conversation can include setting boundaries. 
Just ask her with a pamphlet or two in hand: “Have you heard the good news?”
The reason our suggestions are all over the map is because we all have different personalities- I could never try the kindness method because it just isn’t my way if someone is being a bully. My H, on the other hand, would not even be bothered by this woman. I think OP has great suggestions here, but it will come down to what she sees as the least uncomfortable solution.
I really do wonder about the possibility of her skimming. My DH does work that brings him into small businesses. More than once he has an ad hoc bookkeeper or inventory control person just up and quit because they knew he had figured out or as about to figure it out that they were stealing.
Seems like a leap to make from an unpleasant coworker to skimming the books.
Ok…I had a conversation with the owner this morning. I went into her office in the morning and asked for her help. I was polite and nice. She was snappy and mean from the get go. I left and was so mad I was shaking. I waited until the boss got in, closed the door and told him all about it. He acknowledged whole heartedly he was aware of her attitude and said he had mentioned it to her. You could tell he was mad at her and frustrated. He said other things about her, I think he’d like to get rid of her. But I chimed in and said, “but you can’t right? You don’t have anyone else”. He said I need you here, are you leaving? I said no, but she’s created a hostile environment.
I said that this was supposed to be my fun retirement job. I like him, the job, getting this system up and running, etc. but I can’t work in this unpleasantness. He said he’d talk to her, but I said that would make it worse. I want no more interaction with her, and how about if there is anything I need I’ll give to him. He said “give it to me!”. We will see how long that lasts. He’ll get tired of doing that and being the go between.
My job was created, she had the opportunity to have it and she didn’t want it. He thinks, as do I and many if you, that she feels threatened by me and she’s not the sun and everyone else the moon encircling her anymore. He also said he thinks she likes attention, and does little crying spells (she did that once to pass some work off on me).
Anyway, I still see this at this point as a short lived thing. I don’t think anything really knows how to conduct themselves proper and professionally as someone mentioned. Good guys, but poorly run business. He saw me as someone to help him turn it around. Plus…as someone else said, I’m The dispensable one as a PT newbie.
So, I feel better getting it off my chest. If I do leave, at least he will know why. He needs to figure out how to replace her. But that’s his problem.
Thanks for all the responses, I enjoyed reading every single one of them,
Of course the woman can be replaced, if he wanted to do so.
I also don’t think that having the two of you not interacting in such a small office is feasible long term.
Sorry you had such a stressful day. Sounds like you need some ice cream.
Wow @conmama, your situation is identical to mine right down to the conversations I had with the boss.
Unfortunately, things did not change, and I’m guessing they won’t in your situation either.
I went in one day and no matter how I dealt with her (and I tried almost all of the suggestions here) she still managed to find ways to sabotage, even stealing things off my desk and then telling others I couldn’t handle the work. As you said, the job was created for me because I had some credentials that she did not have. She was threatened by me because others kept requesting me for important things and not her.
I went in one day, and once again she started in and tried giving me all of her work. I had had it!
This was no longer my fun retirement job, although I loved what I was doing. I went in right then and gave my two weeks notice. They begged me to stay but I knew that the personality issues were never going to change.
My husband had already commented several times how much my stress level and disposition had changed since I started that job. Not worth it.
The boss needs to deal with this, and he isn’t doing it well, as the OP stated “good guys but poorly run business”. It seems like this woman has carved out her fiefdom, and wants to drive away anyone who threatens it. The boss is too nice, and she uses that against him.
It’s a shame, because no one is really threatening her except her own bad behavior. She could have more positive interactions with the people around her, and things would only get better for her.