<p>A friend is in ICU, heavily sedated, on a vent, soon to be on an ECMO. We’ve known the family for 20 years - we’re friends but not “like family.” From the day of our friend’s hosptial admission, the family has said “no visitors.” There is not large waiting area in the ICU (I suppose because the hosptal doesn’t want to encourage visitors.) The latest post on the Caringbridge site said “please **no visitors **or cell phone calls.” (Yes, “no visitors” was bolded on the site.)</p>
<p>Despite all this, I think I could name 20 people who have gone to visit, most of whom are no closer to the family than we are. I’m hoping the family isn’t hurt that we haven’t come to visit because I am taking them at their word.</p>
<p>Doesn’t “no visitors” mean no visitors except family and the closest of friends?</p>
<p>I would NOT visit. I would send a card with a personal note written inside to let them know you are thinking of them. As an ICU nurse, I can tell you that intensive care units are not set up for lots of visitors. Too many visitors gets in the way of patient care and stresses out the family.</p>
<p>As a former ICU patient (8 days following surgery), I would say respect their wishes. When in ICU you are dealing with enough. Too many visitors really complicates things. You don’t feel like seeing anyone, except immediate family, and I do mean immediate. W was constantly turning people away at my request.</p>
<p>My best friend’s son just had a major heart surgery. As concerned as I was, I kept in touch with her daily by texting. It allowed her to text me back when she could. When she finally called me, she told me that it was good that I didn’t call because it would have just been a distraction in the hospital. I am inclined to respect hospital, patient and family’s wishes when it comes to visitation or communication.</p>
<p>You have good intentions, but don’t visit. All those other visitors are probably bothering the patient/staff–which is why the family has “no visitors” in bold. Send a card or email to let them know you’re thinking of them. Some hospitals have their own e-card systems where you can get on their website and send a message/card–which is then printed up and delivered to the patient. Check into that. . .</p>
<p>When my son was hospitalized, he was in a great deal of pain 24/7 and his father and I were exhausted and worn out with worry. Visitors (other than family) would have been a burden. Notes of support were greatly appreciated, as were small, routine items of food (e.g., a gallon of milk, a loaf of bread) delivered to the house for our (neglected :)) younger kids.</p>
<p>No visitors means no visitors. Nrdsb4 has the right idea- a personal note offering your support and continued friendship. Offer assistance when the crisis has passed. The family will be grateful that you actually respected their wishes. When my father was ill people came out of the woodwork to “visit”. I had the lucky privilege of barring visitors- to this day people still think of me as the witch that wouldn’t let them see Dr. X.</p>
<p>A note offering both psychological (“thinking of you”) and concrete support would probably be far better than cluttering up the ICU and getting in the way of medical staff.
If the family is with the patient much of the time, many household jobs are left undone. Some nice meals, offers to go shopping or something similar would probably be far more welcome.</p>
<p>DH had been a coach for more than twenty years when he had a heart attack and bypass surgery (over 13 years ago). You can imagine all the kids, friends, etc. who just wanted to see him. </p>
<p>In his case I was the witch who had to turn away people from visiting. I can tell you that at some point I no longer viewed the people who thought of themselves as the exceptions to the rule as well-intentioned, I thought of them as self-centered. </p>
<p>What he and I appreciated most were notes. I could read them to him when he was up to it and they were a source of great joy to know he meant a lot to people. </p>
<p>i know you are a superb writer - write and it will be treasured.</p>
<p>How about the potential for those 20 non welcome visitors to bring germs in and infect a person who is already struggling with serious illness? That is so thoughtless. I am surprised the hospital allows it. When I have visited a sick person in ICU there was a protocol to speak to the nurse on the phone, announce your relationship to the patient and get clearance before entering the locked ward. You couldn’t just march in whenever you pleased. That was in both a public hospital and a private one.</p>
<p>Thank you for all of your encouragement. The family has established a caringbridge web site and my husband and I post well wishes every few days. (The guestbook is amazing to read; I believe he has has friends praying for him on every continent but Australia!)</p>
<p>I try to put myself in his wife’s position. If I were on Day 7 of husband-in-ICU, I’d find chit chat a chore and would only want to be around those people who are so close that I could sit in a room with without talking. I know that a few neighbors and very close friends are taking care of the family’s physical needs (food, laundry, etc.)</p>
<p>Missypie, you are spot on with your thoughts above. Caringbridge web sites are a great way for the family to keep in touch with concerned relatives/friends. But they are also a stress-free way for the family to know that others are thinking of them and supporting them. I encourage you to continue posting your thoughts and prayers for the family. The family can read these at their leisure, when they have time, when they need a boost. Speaking from experience, your well wishes posted there will mean the world to the family during this stressful time.</p>
<p>Missypie: last summer a childhood friend went to a major medical center with her sister to support her and her H while the H had open heart surgery. I also know the sister from our childhood days and our mothers are also friends. I sent the two sisters a joint gift bag to take with them to the hotel and hospital and it was a huge hit. Everyone was trying to do things for the patient, but not so much for the wife and sister-in-law. </p>
<p>Could you deliver a treat bag to your friend at the hospital or her house? I put in magazines, hand lotion, hand sanitizer, snack foods, cookies, notepads, pens, and so on. My two friends just loved it and I don’t think they will ever forget the kindness. It was well worth the effort on my part.</p>
<p>Good idea bookiemom, but the many visitors have reported all the things they have brought for the family…probably more than they know what to do with.</p>
<p>If they live local and go home at night I would make them a nice homecooked meal with plenty of left overs. You get pretty tired of hospital cafeteria food and can only eat so many cookies and candy. I have also offered to spend the night or day in the waiting room for them while they went home to sleep or take a shower so someone is there if they need to be contacted.</p>
<p>Bookiemom, the treat bag idea is a good one. A couple of years ago a close friend was in a similar position with a family member in ICU for several weeks. I took a treat bag each time I went to visit her (not the patient) and she, her family, and even the families of other ICU patients were appreciative. At that hospital, the staff strictly controlled who was allowed in to visit but there was a very large lounge at the end of the ICU ward where you could meet the family members. I would take in coffee, lunch, snacks, fruit. Nearby there was a lovely Italian bakery so I would buy a large box of delicious Italian cookies which I’d leave out on the table in the lounge so that other patients’ families could also take a break and enjoy a snack. There isn’t a lot you can do when a family is in a situation like this but sometimes the small things are so important in helping them cope. If you can put a smile on a face, even once, it’s a positive thing, and I know that it’s very much appreciated. This is why I can’t imagine why anyone would think it was appropriate to visit when a no visitors policy is clearly stated. It’s terribly inconsiderate and can even be dangerous to patients who are already in tenuous health, with the current flu season in full swing.</p>
<p>The family is blessed with many friends. There is a young woman who has all but moved in with them to take care of cooking, cleaning, etc. Truly, their physical needs are being met. No one is allowed in to see the patient - “visiting” is just seeing the family and there is not adequate space in the ward to do that. All the family needs at this point is for their husband/dad/brother to recover.</p>
<p>Missypie - a big hug to you as well. I have found it is difficult when a friend is very ill and although you are not family, you feel so sad as well. You know your anxiety or grief is nothing compared to the family’s, but you feel shaken just the same. So, for what it is worth, I am so sorry you are also going through this.</p>
<p>Missypie,
Maybe you could take the family something to eat in the hospital. When my S is in the hospital, I always stay with him. And let me tell you, the hospital food is not that great. So, my H always makes sure to bring me something yummy to eat. I always say, “no don’t bother I am too upset”. He persists anyway and it usually looks pretty good and I feel much better after I eat it. Try a salad and a piece of cheesecake from the Cheesecake Factory, or sushi from a good sushi joint or even chinese or pasta. You could offer to pick something up and meet them in the lobby so that you won’t disturb anyone in the ICU. You could add a little gift bag of thank you note cards if you wished. </p>