<p>Thank you, woprknprogress. So many people think the world of him, and there is nothing we can do for him but pray. I don’t know what athiests do…maybe just wear a hole in the carpet from pacing?</p>
<p>So it sounds as if some of you would go to the hospital to see the family (but not the patient). This is a quote from last night’s Caringbridge journal update:</p>
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<p>To me that sounds like “don’t take this the wrong way but we really don’t want you here.”</p>
<p>Missypie - I think you read that correctly. I think what is difficult is how much friends want to do something, see the family, etc., however, the most generous thing is to curb what would make you feel good and instead do what the family has said they want. I don’t think they are being coy.</p>
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<p>Yeah, I think that if they weren’t such nice people they would have added, “YES THIS MEANS YOU!”</p>
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<p>Missy, just to clarify my earlier post. I would only do that if the family okayed it. In my situation with my friend, she is my oldest and dearest friend, we are like sisters and I still asked her prior to the small efforts that I made. It sounds like your friend’s family has made it crystal clear that people are overstepping their bounds and being a nuisance.</p>
<p>Missypie - I hesitated to write about this because I will start to cry, but here goes. DH and I have been friends with another couple for over 25 years. The four of us were more like siblings than friends. We all got along with each other. “Lance” had battled cancer for a number of years and several months ago he passed away. I was with his wife a lot over the last months and I know that when families say these things, they mean it. What they (my friends) appreciated the most was hearing what Lance meant to people in his life. When you are very ill, you want to know that your life meant something, that if you are facing the end of your time on this earth, that you made a difference. I know the website is great, but actually writing from your heart what they have meant to you as friends and putting it on paper to hold and to treasure, is so meaningful. </p>
<p>I know my dear friend actually was overwhelmed with the goodies that people sent. She would sometimes ask me if I wanted latest thing that had arrived (and could I write the darn thank you note - actually note cards and stamps are a thoughtful gift). </p>
<p>Anyway, I am back to my original suggestion - write to them from the heart. Not just how sorry you are that this is happening, but what they mean to you. You will never regret it.</p>
<p>Here’s one suggestion: send a note, and in it say: “Please let us know when Joe can have visitors; we’d love to come see him when it’s appropriate.” This will give them the chance to tell you to come now if you are the exception to the rule.</p>
<p>Alwaysamom, that makes more sense if you were terribly close to the family. I think that everyone has friends/family who “of course” would be there. </p>
<p>Interestingly, I’ve heard that the ICU only allows even the family to be there from 8:30 am to 6:30 pm. They understand that the family needs rest.</p>
<p>They probably bolded “no visitors” at the behest of the hospital staff.</p>
<p>Too many outside germs for ALL the patients in the ICU</p>
<p>Do the old fashioned thing and write; your thoughfulness will be appreciated</p>
<p>Kei</p>
<p>My mom was in and out of ICU (on and off a ventilator) quite a few times in the last years of her life and I spent many hours there with her.
I am surprised these people were let in.
If the family says “no visitors” I think it is disrespectful to not honor that. Some people just don’t want casual friends to see them in that condition.
I think sending a card and gift basket is a fabulous idea. There are many long and lonely hours in an ICU. If you are nearby perhaps you could offer to pick up a family member and take them to lunch. Getting out of the hospital is important too.
Even though folks want to care for the patient, that is being done by the hospital staff. Caregivers need caring for more at this point.</p>
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<p>I don’t think they were let in - I think the family has to “come out” to see people. The family has said from day 1 that there is no place to “be.” The wife spends all of her time by the bedside, watching the monitors. To accept a visitor, she has to leave the room and go be somewhere else.</p>
<p>At about the same time this morning that the family updated the website with the note “please do not come to the hospital today” I received an email update from someone who was there visiting.</p>
<p>Ick - how stressful for the family. That is awful.</p>
<p>I would honor their wishes. The world is full of people who think they are ‘special’, meaning rules/requests like this one, etc don’t apply to them! It’s easy to understand why the family has requested no visitors and friends should honor that request. Certainly a card/note is in order–Just to let them know you’re thinking of them.</p>
<p>There’s nothing as exhausting as hanging out in a hospital–it’s SO stressful.</p>
<p>As this family is spending so much time at the hospital, would it be possible for you to help with everyday needs/errands, etc.? I’m thinking of shopping, laundry, cleaning–this kind of thing. During my dad’s extended hospital stay, Mom hated stopping at the convenience store for milk and coffee cream and would’ve been so grateful if someone had done that for her. IF you are very close to this family, could you do a load of laundry for them or do some light cleaning? I’m a very practical person and often try to find something constructive to do— to genuinely help out…</p>
<p>Please don’t visit. But (like many others have said) please write a note. A handwritten note is always appreciated.</p>
<p>Agree with those who say don’t visit, send a note. Re: post 33 above, running simple errands for this family also a good idea.</p>
<p>Latest update included the plea, “Please don’t call the ICU and ask about his condition. The doctors and nurses are very busy with the patients.”</p>
<p>Jeez, the family is updating the caringbridge site 2-4 times a day and people are still calling the ICU to ask about him?</p>
<p>Missypie: After your friend is out of the hospital, then I bet much of this attention will be swindling. Perhaps then you could do something really nice for the family, such as bring them dinner, an assortment of homemade soup, or something to help with the holidays.</p>
<p>Our family has dealt with long hospitalizations on two occasions. The first time, we welcomed visitors (not too many at one time) as they broke up the day and it was supportive to know that people were thinking of us. The second time though, we did NOT want visitors. And we resented the people who did not abide by our wishes.</p>
<p>One reason the wife may not want visitors is because she wants to be available when the doctor stops by. This can be very random, and if you miss him/her, you may not get another chance to talk to the doctor until the next day. I hated even running down to the cafeteria if it meant I might miss a chance to get an update from my husband’s physician. And I certainly would not have wanted to be making idle chit chat in the hospital lobby while the doctor was in the room with my husband.</p>
<p>I guess I don’t understand why this is an issue for the family. If the wife/family is back behind the ICU door, and if visitors are only in the lounge then the family is not intruded upon. Unwanted guest in the lounge sends back a message they they are there to “visit”. In short order they are told by the staff that “the family is taking no visitors”. It seems that one or two times of sitting in the visitor lounge and then wandering off should dissuade visitors in the future. Now if the family is actually in the lounge (shift change, taking turns) and they don’t want to talk to unwanted visitors that’s another matter (I vote for headphones and a sleep mask during this time). But if the issue is that they feel pulled away from the bedside, JUST DON’T GO. Good grief. Who cares if the visitor feels unwanted. They ARE unwanted.</p>
<p>Sometimes you just have to be brutal in this old world and stick to your priorities.</p>
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<p>True. But it is a very sweet family and they don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings.</p>