How can I do this?

Parent Cafe
1

<p>As I posted a while ago, I haven’t seen or spoken to my oldest daughter since Christmas of 2012. In January she asked me not to contact her in anyway, although I continued to periodically ( every couple weeks- I would do one of these things) send her a brief card saying I was thinking of her, send her an email asking her to explain to me how I could make amends for what ever I did, or send her a package with treats for her dog. She responded neutrally once for every five or six attempts at contact. </p>

<p>She still will talk to her dad, but she usually leaves it up to him to contact her, which he does with my prompt every few weeks. ( This is quite puzzling to me, as he was verbally and physically abusive to me when he was drinking while she was growing up, but it is possible she sees that as my fault) </p>

<p>Knowing that her younger sister has been trying to get a family trip together after she finishes summer qtr- and frustrated & confused by what I thought was progress ( older D & I had quite a long text message conversation a few weeks ago), I contacted my oldest daughter by email yesterday asking for clarification ( as according to H she was interested in the trip) for permission ( my third request as the other times I did not receive a response) to give her contact info to my therapist who has been helping me through this.</p>

<p>She responded by saying that she was unsure if she ever wanted to resume our relationship and that while I could give my therapist her email- she did not want me to contact her in any way again. But that I should keep working on myself. :confused:</p>

<p>Its already been six months with little contact and I feel like I am going out of my mind.
I seriously do not know how I can continue this for an unknown period of time.</p>

<p>She has not really lived here since she went off to college in 2001, and as she was such an easy child & teen, I used to boast that I didn’t learn any parenting skills with her that could have been useful when her more challenging sister came along 8 years later. So this rift came as a total surprise.
But then again as an Aspie, Im sure there was alot that I’ve missed- I might be wise enough to give advice to strangers, but when it comes to my own family, we are far apart in understanding. :(</p>

<p>Even my own H has admitted that logically he understands that my reactions to things may be different than he expects, but emotionally, he often still expects me to behave as if I am neurotypical.</p>

<p>I need advice on how to proceed. I am angry & hurt that she is calling the shots, but resigned.
I am also recovering from a total knee replacement two months ago, which is made more difficult by fibromyalgia and osteo & rheumatoid arthritis which does not help in trying to keep the pain level down to a mild roar.</p>

<p>My younger daughter has been encouraging me to meditate, which helps, but Im not very good at it. But I don’t know what I would do without her, she checks in on me everyday( she is away at school) although it is a struggle to keep a brave face.</p>

<p>I could really use more suggestions on how to stay positive and strong for the people who still care about me - even silly or outlandish ones.</p>

2

<p>I don’t have any suggestions on how to stay positive or strong but wonder if you have ever heard of attachment styles? Perhaps your therapist mentioned it? </p>

<p>Essentially, there is a continium of people who are “anxious” attachers on one end and “avoidant” on the other. The idea is that anxious attachers, when worried about a relationship (any relationship) need reinforcement from those they are close to…they will ask for reassurance, ask to talk about it, what can I do to make it up to you, send presents etc. The avoidant people when under stress need to be left alone to sort themselves out first…they cave or avoid others. Both are coping mechanisms. </p>

<p>Your situation with your daughter made me think of this. It is a hard thing when one person is avoidant and one is anxious. The avoidant person can easily feel smothered by the anxious person. The anxious person feels pushed away. BOTH lead to more of the same. The more the anxious person pesters…the further the avoidant will go and the less likely you are to hear from her. </p>

<p>Edited to add: if is likely you feel you have had “no contact” and she feels like you are in “constant contact” because every two weeks you send something or otherwise “intrude”…I know that this must be very hard on you but thought I’d add some context as an avoidant person myownself. </p>

<p>Just a thought…best to you.</p>

3

<p>That is helpful and could explain her reaction.
I was feeling like it was my job as her mom to remind her that I was there for her unconditionally, although others have pointed out to me, that likely she already had internalized this & that is why she is able to push me away so hard.</p>

<p>But if she is avoidant, any contact at all, (even though it is hard for me to understand how a card with money could be perceived as an attack), could make her feel like she was starting all over again at sorting things out.</p>

<p>( however, I still don’t understand what prompted it in the first place, especially after such a long time )</p>

<p>I appreciate the explanation.</p>

4

<p>In addition to Tempemom’s explanation, there’s also the possibility that what parents may view as helpful parental reminders may be taken by some late teen/young adult children as calling their competence/independence into question. </p>

<p>I speak not only as someone with that tendency who is working to improve this aspect with my mother<em>, but also having been in educational/work environments filled with folks with this tendency</em>*. </p>

<ul>
<li>I now am happy to let it go in one ear and out the other whereas I used to take great offense in HS/early college. I probably inherited this from both my father and grandmother.</li>
</ul>

<p>** This is somewhat pervasive in the engineering/CS field…especially among the most hardcore STEM nerds in the field.</p>

5

<p>She may have felt pushed. From your first post it looked like she was making effort to resume a relationship ( thinking about participating in the trip your younger daughter was planning). But then you asked for permission for your therapist to contact her, and that tripped her buttons, so to say.</p>

<p>In my opinion, your timing was way off. I would have waited until after the trip before making that request. You seemed to be moving too quickly for her.</p>

<p>My story is similar to yours. My oldest daughter and I are partially estranged, and our relationship is very difficult. I had postnatal depression for the first several years of her life and no one pushed me for treatment, and I was too ill to seek help. As a result I was sometimes emotionally and physically abusive (hitting, but never enough to cause physical damage). As a result, she moved as far away from me as she could as an adult. She knows I love her, and she loves me, and we speak from time to time (she’s been visiting over the summer) but words that I say innocently can trip her buttons, and she still wants to see an insult in everything I say.</p>

<p>I will never have the relationship with her that I have with her sister. </p>

<p>My advice is to try to get over your expectations of what the relationship SHOULD be, and see what kind of relationship you both can live with, hoping that it may gradually evolve into something better.
We can be getting along great for a day or two, and then off she goes.</p>

6

<p>I’m with TempeMom on this. Your daughter has told you that she doesn’t want to communicated directly with you, but you are giving her no peace. Every couple of weeks you come up with some excuse to send her a note, or an email, or dog treats, or cash. Stop it. Stop all of it. </p>

<p>You do know that she is fine because she is in communication with her sister, and her father. Accept that. Anything that you truly need to know you can find out from one of them. Anything that she truly needs to know about you she can find out from them.</p>

<p>If neither your second daughter nor your husband has been told why your first daughter doesn’t want direct contact with you, then that is her business. Granted, it would be nice if you could find out what you have done that is so wrong, but oh well. If they have been told but have been sworn to secrecy, then that is their business and they have their reasons. Again, it would be nice if you could be told, but oh well.</p>

<p>Clearly this bothers you, but you have to find a way to just let it go. Ask your therapist for help in identifying some other activity to expend your energy on. Your daughter won’t initiate contact with you in the future unless and until she is ready, willing, and able to do so on her own terms. You have to stand back completely. And yes, standing back completely when she needs you to do so is indeed a way of acting out your responsibilities as a loving, caring mother who is fully supportive of her child.</p>

7

<p>Since I haven’t even seen her for now, seven months, it felt like it was moving veerry slowly- but in January she began her first job after grad school and it seems to be quite exhausting and stressful for her.</p>

<p>She has had a much different life than her younger sister, while she was born ten weeks early, she was the center of our- (especially my) universe. I worked as a nanny so I could be with her all the time since she came home from the hospital, she attended " the best" private schools in Seattle ( by “best” I mean most appropriate, not ones a tiger mom would love) and she was an only child until her sister was born when she was eight. </p>

<p>I paid for her private schools through high school with my inheritance from my grandparents, as I did not have a good educational background and had that as a priority for her. However her sister attended public schools.
Her sister also had " special needs" and things became much more tense and difficult with four instead of three of us, but the oldest seemed to have a very happy and positive upbringing- at least from what I remember. </p>

<p>If the youngest had become estranged, because of her difficulties, I wouldn’t have been as surprised- but Im wondering if the oldest, in witnessing some of the altercations with her sister, remembers them as actually happening * to her<a href=“her%20sister%20has%20sensory%20integration%20problems%20and%20had%20frequent%20meltdowns”>/i</a></p>

<p>Some of the the statements the oldest has made to me make me wonder, because for instance I was forced to commit myself to the psych floor in the local hospital twice over a ten year period ( for three days at a time, when I was emotionally exhausted from lack of sleep & my H would not help), however she thinks that happened shortly after her sister was born.</p>

<p>She also has accused me of calling her names, fairly recently ( since her college graduation) which I know I did not do- I barely have even spent time with her, let alone get in an argument so emotional that there was name calling. That is one thing I pride myself on- I am very careful to never use blaming & to always use " I" statements. </p>

<p>Since she has not been to a Dr. for years to my knowledge, ( she worked as a independent contractor without insurance since college & as she currently is technically a temp worker, she still doesn’t have insurance), & because there is genetic predisposition to mental illness in our family, ( and addiction on her dads side) that is an additional worry, but again not one I can do anything about.</p>

8

<p>emeraldkity - my heart breaks for you. :(</p>

<p>You have to leave her alone.</p>

<p>I know it’s got to be the hardest thing in the world - I can’t even imagine - but if there is going to be a recovered relationship ever, then you have to respect her wishes right now.</p>

<p>Therapist and meditation, and your other daughter and husband…prayer if you do that…</p>

<p>That’s the remedy right now. So sorry. :(</p>

9

<p>I realize I have to leave her alone, especially since she has said she doesn’t know if she ever wants to resume contact.
But how do I do that? How do I expend some of this nurturing energy?
I have boxed up some of her things, but we don’t have room to keep all of her books and things indefinitely.
I also feel inclined to have just my younger daughter as beneficiary on my investment accts, instead of both of them.( I doubt I will change it however)
I have also been the one that facilitates her relationship with her dad and to a smaller extent with her sister.
When I went out of town a few years ago, I arranged for her dad to go visit her, something he wouldn’t have done himself. I also have done the same for her to come up and visit her sister and for her sister to go visit her at least once a year.
Although since younger D did that for one night during her spring break, perhaps that counts for this year.</p>

<p>I realize that to many of you I just " dont get it". As an Aspie, I know I am incredibly egocentric & self absorbed- that is why I am asking for help.
However I was not diagnosed as a child or even young adult, ( I attended school too early for even a diagnosis of Adhd, although they did pull me out for " resource" occasionally.)
Women often have much better adaptive skills( although still not " good") but we also fall between the cracks and beat ourselves up trying to meet a very high bar of being successful in the workplace, at home and in the community.
I was never very successful academically, despite being told constantly how smart I was, and because of my husbands hours, ( & my quirks) I wasnt able to keep a job for very long. Parenting was the only thing I knew how to do, but I threw myself into it. To learn that I was so damaging that one of my children doesnt know if she ever wants to see me again, is more than I can bear.</p>

<p>Even if I had been aware earlier of my diagnosis, there are few supports for adults on the spectrum, especially those who superficially can " pass".</p>

<p>[Parents</a> with Aspergers](<a href=“http://www.theneurotypical.com/parents-with-aspergers.html]Parents”>http://www.theneurotypical.com/parents-with-aspergers.html)</p>

10

<p>Wow, I don’t have ANY easy answers for you that won’t sound glib or just completely inadequate.</p>

<p>I would leave them both as beneficiaries if I were you. She’s still your baby. You just can’t have that relationship right now that you want so badly.</p>

<p>I would move her things into the attic or basement and let her know, through her Dad or sister, that you need to reclaim the space and ask her what should be done.</p>

<p>I would STOP facilitating the relationship with her dad. They are both adults. Let them sort out their own relationship. Likewise with her sister.</p>

<p>ANYONE would have trouble “getting it”, emeraldkity. Aspie or no.</p>

<p>So sorry you’re going through this!</p>

11

<p>I am so sorry for what you’re going through, EK. My own daughter said to me “I don’t want to have anything to do with you”. I responded, “But it’s ok if I pay tuition, right?”</p>

<p>And guess what? It was! It was ok!</p>

<p>Seriously though – when you asked:

</p>

<p>These are two separate concerns – one emotional, the other practical. My suggestion for the first one is to make a quilt. Or a blanket. That someday may warm your daughter or your daughter’s daughter (yes, the best revenge is when she has her own child – join me in peals of wicked laughter). </p>

<p>On the second one, give that task to your husband to worry about. You know her things mean a lot to her, but if she isn’t talking to you, you can’t ask her about them. Detach. Let go. Let your husband or her sister ask her if she’s going to get her stuff. If not, you’re not running a free storage facility. Let them give her a reasonable time to respond and after a certain point, start donating things. Holding on to them is not going to bring her back.</p>

<p>My daughter de-thawed about 3 months later, but she’s still prickly with me. Dad is her hero. Until she had a major meltdown at 3 am. She called me and we talked for hours.</p>

12

<p>Em, I’m with you in this. I haven’t seen my D in 2 years. I call her on holidays and her birthday. She is mentally ill and takes it out on her family. What do you do to fill the void? Get a pet and dote on it. Dote on your husband. Give the second D your best without smothering her. If you don’t work, get a job. Reach out to other people who are also hurting - like I am to you now. Pray a lot and ask others to pray for you. And don’t contact her again until Christmas. At all. Period.</p>

13

<p>Who knows what is going on in her head/what her complaints are…all young people feel to some extent that their parents don’t get them or screwed up…so much so that it’s part of an old joke e.g “when I was six, I thought my dad knew everything, …when I was sixteen I swore he knew nothing…at forty, I discover he was right after all…”</p>

<p>All I can say as someone who is sensitive to being “smothered” (whether objectively true or not)…if you normally contact her every two weeks, then in three or four weeks she will start to notice you aren’t. It may take six or eight or twenty weeks, but she will start to wonder and maybe check on you through others…only after that time can she consider reaching out. Leaving her to her own timeline is the best thing.</p>

14

<p>Emerald, please give her space. Eventually she will more then likely miss her mom and contract you. That being said, if you need someone to nurture you are welcome to send me cash, cookies, or take me on vacation. :)</p>

<p>(thought you could use a smile!)</p>

15

<p>Yes - EK, baking is actually a good thing! :smiley: I’m sure there’s someone around you that needs nurturing. (And you could still send some to fendergirl)</p>

16

<p>Ditto what cromette wrote. You have to stop contacting/emailing/mailing your daughter. She is clearly angered by it. Just let her be and hope that in the future, something will change.
So sorry about this.</p>

17

<p>I triple everyone’s advice to you. Embroider a quilt for a future grandchild, get a job, but do not contact dd in any way shape or form. Please do continue to store her stuff, though perhaps in the attic. You need to leave the door open to her to connnect with you in the future, and throwing out her stuff or taking her off your will is just mean-spirited. Just WAIt this all out. Sending good thoughts your way!</p>

18

<p>I’m so sorry for this, emerald. You are obviously a wonderful person, so there can be no true justification for her treatment of you. I have no useful advice, but I wonder if her avoidance now is because she is ashamed for acting this way for so long.</p>

19

<p>I doubt she will have kids, she is 31, & has always said she didnt want kids ( possibly because she remembers me in labor for three days with her sister).
( I wasnt going to throw out all her stuff, but as she has never given any indication what she wants & doesn’t want- it feels ridiculous to keep holding onto every single clay piece, paper mache dragon and baby diaper cover)</p>

<p>I do have a related question though since I obviously have a distorted idea of appropriate involvement with adult children.</p>

<p>Both my mother & my Hs parents lived in the Seattle area when we were expecting her & she was the first grandchild for both sides. I ended up having an emergency c-section 10 weeks early- my mother was also concurrently hospitalized for a psychotic break & I didn’t contact anyone in my family that night but my husband asked his parents to bring his camera to the hospital- which they did meeting him in the parking lot, but they did not come in, nor did they come visit her during the eight weeks she was there.
( my grandparents came the first week, as did my friends).</p>

<p>I always thought it was disconnected for my inlaws not to be interested in their first grandchild, but I guess I have to reassess what I think is " normal"?
This is hard to get my head around.</p>

20

<p>sounds so heartbreaking and confusing, since your d hasn’t identified what her issues are.</p>

<p>as far as “normal” communication with adult children, I am blessed with strong relationships with my adult (post college) kids, and one practice I almost always follow is letting them determine the frequency and manner of communication. It may be true that you mentioning your own therapist was a trigger for her, perhaps she felt you were focusing on your own needs, and not hers. I’m not saying you were wrong to have those needs, mind you, but think that could have had that inadvertent effect.</p>

<p>my heart goes out to you, I would probably make many mistakes, as it would be hard for me to not understand and to be patient and have faith…</p>