<p>I appreciate each and every response. It has given me a lot to think about.</p>
<p>I only started seeing a counselor about 4-5 months into the estrangement, when I spoke about it to my physical therapist and she suggested that a counselor could help me reach out appropriately. </p>
<p>It was his suggestion that he act as mediator or at least be available for her to talk to him, I had only seen him once when I contacted her to ask about it- so it wasnt that I had a long history with him. She initially responded to say that if she came up to meet, she wouldnt stay with us, but she was considering it.
But as she hadnt given me permission to give him her contact info, I asked her again about a month later. I only see him every two or three weeks as I only wanted help with this.
When she said she changed her mind & couldnt make time to come up, I offered to come down & to meet with & pay for any one she chose.
But she didnt respond & then I asked her again yesterday. I havent sent her anything since a card & money for her birthday in May, although Ive had a care box sitting on my desk for months that I had intended to send, and which my younger daughter keeps asking me f I am not going to send it, could she have whats inside? ;)</p>
<p>I dont really have anything from when I was little, my clothes were handme downs from a neighbor of my great aunts and I had very few books or toys. ( the highlight of my summer was to go to my great aunts where she had a box of 64 color crayons!!! - it was thrilling to have the sharpener right in the box!)
So…I went a little overboard when I had kids, especially my first. I have enough clothes, books & toys to open a boutique, and since her younger sister wouldnt wear a dress till she was 16, most everything ( except the books which are well loved) are in great shape.</p>
<p>I have to get a dog, that will keep me busy.</p>
<p>Omg.
I had a labrador puppy once. When my kids were 4 & 12. Some of my furniture was never the same. That green apple stuff just added FLAVOR!
She was an amazing, wonderful, fantastic dog, that was with us for 16 years, but i did not realize that dogs bred for hunting are extra * healthy/ energetic*.
She was a puppy till she was about 5.
This time I will probably get a rescue dog. And older.
:)</p>
<p>EK as someone watching my D and.her father going through this I’m just going to echo everyone else and tell you to LISTEN to your D and STOP contacting her! You are coming across as desperate and needy so no wonder she is throwing up walls. I suggest that you increase your therapy if you can afford it to help sort this out. Also, I’m wondering, as a former DV counselor, if something tipped for your D at Christmas going back to the abuse she saw in her early years. I worked with one woman who forgot childhood abuse until well after she had her own kids. Finally, since I know your deeply interested in Seattle’s schools, perhaps you can give back by tutoring in one of the neediest ones. They could all use someone so giving as you were with hour kids.</p>
<p>One last thing…do not take your anger at hour D’s rejection out on her by getting rid of her stuff or writing her out of your will. Let that all go for now and get more emotionally balanced before making such revisit.</p>
<p>Maybe sseamom is right. Except while I feel strongly about my kids getting exactly the same amount in my will, I’d be hard pressed to keep it equal when one child has treated me so unkindly, for so many years.</p>
<p>EK- sorry for how painful this is. Parenthood takes us many places we never thought we would be. I have someone close to me who is presently choosing not to see her mother (she is 32 and a mother herself). There is angst on both sides of the equation. It is so hard to shut off the part of ourselves that does the reaching out when things are tough. </p>
<p>Sometimes when we are not seeing someone, it is them we wish to avoid. Sometimes, it is a disavowed or unresolved part of our self that we are refusing to acknowledge. It is important that your respect for your daughter’s choices be evident to her. Like you, she is likely doing the best she can right now. </p>
<p>I am glad you can temper the hurt and inclination to cut her out in different ways. It doesn’t seem like the time for such decisions. Take care of your health, cherish those who can be actively part of your life now and keep engaged. You can offer your daughter a great gift over time by role modeling carrying on through the most difficult of times. </p>
<p>You are grieving, so try to be kind to yourself and seek out those who “get it”. This a big wound and the scab has had little time to form. </p>
<p>But I agree with the consensus here, that you need to leave your D alone, at least for now. Just keep saying to yourself, “Absence makes the heart grow fonder.” Perhaps after hearing nothing from you for a month or two your D will wonder how you are. Do not pester her – perhaps eventually she will reach out. Do not ask your H or your younger child to contact her. Allow your D to come to the conclusion that you have moved on and built a satisfying life – and make it true by doing so! Now you are simply pushing her away with your initiatives, well meant and purely supportive as they are. That is my opinion anyway.</p>
<p>I have a good friend going through something similar with one of her adult children, but she believes he will eventually appreciate her again. This is a passage she must accept for now. </p>
<p>Set goals for yourself, just like I do on a diet. Contacting your D in any way would be like an alcoholic having a drink. Be strong and resist!</p>
<p>We at CC are here for you.</p>
<p>Better days are ahead, I hope, but it may be a good while.</p>
<p>I would say - give the carebox to younger D. Get a dog for YOU - the size and type you want for the next 15 years, and what a great idea to volunteer at a school. I haven’t packed up my D’s stuff either. It’s hard to do. And make that quilt for younger D, not for grandchildren that may never arrive, that will just make you feel old - and you’re not old!!!</p>
<p>EK, I just wanted to send you my best. I always look forward to your posts here. As a relative newcomer, I hadn’t read your whole story before now.</p>
<p>I agree you have to leave your older daughter alone.</p>
<p>I am a mom by adoption and I know several families that had a break with their kids when said kids were in their late teens or 20s. The kids just couldn’t bear the intimacy of family life, and it seemed to come out of the blue. Not saying that your daughter’s estrangement comes from the same place, but if she perceives any neediness from you, my guess is that she won’t be able to tolerate it.</p>
<p>So yes, get that dog, do some volunteering, work with your therapist or counselor to help you be your own person. Of course my wish for you is that your daughter will return to your life, but you have to accept the fact that, for whatever reason and you will never figure it out exactly, she can’t do that at this stage in her life. Please don’t change your will or throw her stuff away. But if some of it is not really hers, but your own reminders of the little kid she was, that stuff is yours to decide to keep or not.</p>
<p>Again, I am so sorry and hope you are feeling better soon. Meditation may be a good idea; I am seeing a therapist who uses some meditation techniques and they have helped me immensely. Google mindful meditation. Check out local yoga studios and see if any of them have classes. Or send me a message or email and I will send you the links I have collected. When I feel like I can’t concentrate on anything because too many thoughts are racing through my head, I set my cell phone alarm for 10 or 15 minutes, get comfortable, and just breathe and concentrate on my breathing. When the alarm buzzes, I feel much better and in control of my thoughts.</p>
<p>The only thing I can think of is at Christmas I again proved I have difficulty with boundaries, but that concerned myself and my younger daughter- although we worked through that at the time.
Older D was privy to it, & it could have been a trigger however.
I will not contact her - but in order to handle it, I am just telling myself I will not contact her for one month at a time.
Ive thought about getting certificated for respite care, I have several friends with really high needs kids, and I know there is a big need.
I am probably not going to change the beneficiary, but since my grandma gave me money with the intent of the older sister helping the younger, and since older sister attended very expensive private schools including college, while her sister attended inner city public high school & public instate U, it gives me a little stabbing pain to think of how much we could have paid down our mortgage with that.
:p</p>
<p>EK, major hugs to you. I am sure this is very difficult.</p>
<p>Is it possible that your daughter has some mental health issues of her own to work through? In other words, maybe it’s not you; it’s her. It appears that you aren’t doing anything particularly offensive, but perhaps she has some sort of distorted filter that perceives what you’re doing as offensive. That doesn’t change the facts of the situation, but it might take the pressure off you a bit.</p>
<p>I’m really sorry you are going through this. I know it’s not nearly as serious as your situation, but when my son started college, he really didn’t talk to me much. I’ve learned that he especially doesn’t like to be asked questions, and he holds things very close. I’ve had to change what I’d like to be “rules” to meet him where he is. For example, I could say “I am paying for college and if you don’t call or text at least once a week I will stop paying,” but that wouldn’t go far with him. I’d like to know where he’s going when he drives MY car, but he often simply won’t tell me. Fortunately he’s a very good kid…just has his quirks. I really think you need to leave your daughter alone, for months at least. Don’t invent reasons to get in touch with her. Her dad can assure you she’s alive and well (enough). My son once made a profound statement, and it was actually true. He said “I told you what I wanted but you didn’t listen.” I think us moms sometimes assume we know better than they do what they want, so we don’t hear them/pay enough attention to what they say. Good luck. When you feel the need to make contact, come back to this thread and make contact here instead. Hopefully at some point this will be a small blip on the screen.</p>
<p>EK - I have been thinking about you ever since I read your original post. In one of my many part-time positions, I work with young adults and I was trying to think about your situation from their perspective and my advice echoes much of what others have said. </p>
<p>First, I think Very Happy is right - in all likelihood your daughter has some mental health issues of her own. She may be at a stage where she is blaming you for all that she feels is wrong in her life. </p>
<p>Look, from what I know of you from your posts, you are an amazingly honest person. You don’t make excuses for yourself, you recognize your weaknesses and strengths. You are a loving and generous person to those of us who seek advice. If you sometimes miss a cue IRL, well, you are the first to take responsibility. </p>
<p>NONE of us are perfect parents. We all have situations we would have handled differently, words we would like to take back, etc. Some kids survive lousy parenting and other kids pick at imagined or slight wounds inflicted that have occurred from otherwise excellent parenting. The difference is often the child. </p>
<p>Let her go for awhile. Right now she is in charge. She can tell you to stay away but she KNOWS you are just waiting for a morsel of acknowledgement. You need to give her time to actually realize what it would be like NOT to have you in her life or standing by waiting for her to beckon you. She has dismissed you. Those words can have consequences and she needs to realize that. </p>
<p>So, how do you stop? It will be the hardest piece of mothering you will ever do - but the only way you will ever have her back in your life is if she fears losing you forever. </p>
<p>Take care, dear CC friend. You don’t deserve this and I am hoping that she grows up or gets help and comes to realize how lucky she is to have you as a mom.</p>
<p>First off, hugs to you for what you’re going through. </p>
<p>Second, I just wanted to offer the perspective of my family’s experiences with my sister. I will say that our childhood was certainly far from ideal, as our parents struggled with substance abuse (alcohol) and we were always pretty poor. However, generally my brothers and I remember our childhood in a mostly positive light, and have maintained a good relationship with our parents in spite of the things that were pretty messed up.</p>
<p>What has always struck me as odd, however, is how differently our sister has experienced the same childhood. My sister recalls her childhood as pretty neglectful and abusive, and many of her recollections that support this interpretation are dubious at best. At one point, my sister ran away from home, and although she now has a relationship with our parents, it is very clear in private conversation that she does think her childhood was awful. Whenever my brother and I mention that this was not our experience of events, she says that we simply don’t remember and that we as the younger siblings (by 6 and 8 years, respectively) had such an easier go of things. </p>
<p>Another issue is that of perspective. You mentioned that your older daughter attended private schools for high school and college, whereas your younger daughter attended public schools. I would say of my siblings, I probably have the most positive recollection of my childhood because of the friends I had in school. While my parents had their vices and our family struggled, my friends came from truly broken homes and horrendous circumstances (I would often get tearful calls from my best friend after school because her father had sold her belongings for crack). On the other hand, my brother had friends who lived in really nice houses, and were provided for in every aspect. Comparatively, his childhood seemed worse because his friends were much better off; on the other hand, mine seemed better because my friends were much worse off. Maybe that could be part of the explanation for why your older daughter perceives events as much worse than your younger daughter. </p>
<p>I can’t really offer much perspective beyond that, but I echo other posters’ sentiments that it would be best to wait for your daughter to contact you. When and if she feels she needs you, the ball will be in her court. I wish you the best of luck in finding other means of expressing your need to nurture, and I’m sure there’s a lovely, older, mellow dog that will benefit greatly from your caring affection. :)</p>
<p>Just a note from some personal experience on the inheritance. DH lost his mom a few years back. She left everything to him. It was a terrible burden, the thought of his sister, who was struggling with unfinished business related to her mom, being left out of the will. He split the money. He said he could not live with that for the rest of his life. Sometimes it’s merciful to be “fair”, even when others are not.</p>
<p>So many great posts here. I think that VeryHappy, worknprogress2, and others are on to something in suggesting that ek’s oldest d sees her relationship with her mom through a distorted filter. I’ve seen this happen in my own family. The memories my mother and aunt have of their upbringing are poles apart, and it has affected their relationship for more than 70 years. Happily, they’ve worked through the differences and are close friends today, but even allowing for different parent-child relationships, there’s no way they’re both right about their parents.</p>
<p>An extreme example that comes to mind is that of Roseanne Barr. Do you remember the accusations of sexual/physical abuse she made against her parents back in the 1990s? Her parents and sibs vehemently denied her claims. 20 years later, she admitted that the accusations were greatly exaggerated as the result of her own mental illness.
<p>Cromette, I just read your message about the inheritance and I shuddered. I am the executor in the same situation, and I am not looking forward to seeing my excluded sibling’s old age and financial needs!</p>
<p>EK, I think that it is much, much too early to think about changing your will, and even if this estrangement continues, you may be able to compensate your younger daughter during your lifetime. Respectfully, I think you might need to look at this from a longer perspective.</p>
<p>My daughter (17) knows how to hurt me, and that’s when she zings me about my parenting skills. She doesn’t do it often, but it’s almost always when she’s very stressed about something else. Since raising her feels like my life’s mission, my big success, of course it really hurts. Ouch! I really feel for you.</p>